Hey guys, it has come to my attention that it is suicide awareness month rn and I just wanted to talk about this a little bit.

This is a topic that really affects me heavily and if you cannot tell, I have mental health issues. I have severe anxiety and depression. I tend to gravitate towards writing and reading these topics (if you cannot tell by this book already) and its just something that has been going on my entire life. I have never really been liked by people because of my identities (I only just started accepting them) and it made me super depressed.

If you can't tell, I will be sharing some of my own experiences so if you get triggered or anything like that, please click off for your own mental health.

Anyways, I started considering killing myself back when I was in middle school. Before that, I always dreamed of dying because I didn't know you could even kill yourself. It all started around when I was in 3rd or 4th grade. It didn't affect me outwardly until I was in 8th grade and seriously considering attempting. I had told my friend in a joking manner and it spiralled into emergency therapy sessions and people looking at me differently. I have written about this before but I made a fanfic out of it.

After that, I was spiralling into depression as I tried to get my reputation to stay but it never did. Friends saw me as a danger to myself, they were concerned and worried. I ended up self harming with a pencil. I only touched a blade once but I will never purposefully do it again.

When I was a freshman, I committed suicide. I was tired from constant all nighters to losing friends that I tried to. I failed and I am still here.

Covid hit and I believe it was an answer to everything. It gave me my much deserved and needed break and let me wind down. It made my depression increase but I stopped having suicidal thoughts temporarily.

I have been on and off but I have always had suicidal thoughts. To put it simply, I just am a suicidal person. I cannot go a day without thinking about it once. I look at things with the intention of seeing if it could kill me.

It sucks. I understand how mind numbing it can be, tainting every little thought and dream until you are barely able to grip to the edges. It becomes your personality to the point it overshadows your depression and you are scared of people even saying the word "suicide" in fear of what they would say if they found out.

I want to let you all know that I have been doing better but it never just goes away. I hadn't had a suicidal thought in weeks until just now. My depression is hitting a low at the moment because my dog's health is declining and I know I will have to say goodbye to her soon. It is bad to the point my stomach is growling right now and I am starving but i cant get up from bed. I have considered it but I realized that I cant let everything go to waste and I have all my new friends I cant disappoint.

So to all of you: I read all your comments, I know some of you quite well and it has come to my attention that some of you are having suicidal thoughts or have attempted. I just want you to know that it does get better and that it isn't worth it. If I had died my freshman year from my attempt, I wouldn't have moved into college or realized my dream of teaching. I wouldn't have become the person I am right now. It is never worth it. If you ever need to talk, I am here for you and will try to make time for you.

I also want to take a moment and talk about my stories. They have a lot of suicidal themes in them, stemming from my own mental illness. Something about me likes to write and vent in a way that I know can be harmful to others. I think it is genuinely horrible that I write and read these types of stories. I feel like it makes me spiral more and it might be the same for you all. Stop reading if you get worse from reading my stuff. If it isn't safe for you, dont read. It is that simple. I won't be mad, I wouldn't want to read this either. I stopped reading fanfics because they are toxic in general but also because of many of the suicidal themes that draw me in.

I have started to read books and it has been enjoyable and i feel good for my health. Here are some suggestions if you ever want to try out:

The Martian
The Sun Bearer Trials
Percy Jackson series
The Outsiders
The School for Good and Evil

There are other coping habits like drawing, painting, making art, sewing, listening to music, and just giving yourself time to dwell in the moment. I just wanted to give you some suggestions to try.

So yeah. Let me know if you need anything and I just wanted to say all of that for you guys. I know how much thos would have meant to me when I was younger.

Anyways, im gonna go get lunch before i starve, see you all later -B