I'll show you gay!
Chapter Seven
October 18, 2012

I'll show you gay!
Chapter Seven

"I'll tell you what is cowardly; treating people so badly that they want to end their lives." - Ashley Purdy

"So Kriss how was your day today?"

I glared at the woman in front of me.

Beth looked younger than she was. She was quite pretty with her blonde hair in a bun and caring, brown eyes.

"I'm sorry Ryder, how was your day?"

This is how we started most sessions, she would say something just to get a rise out of me. She was really good at figuring out what made me tick and how to hone in and fix it.

"It was fine, how was yours?" I answered politely.

"I've had better" she sighed dramatically "So you started school again!"

"I never stopped"

"Always with the sarcasm" She rolled her eyes.

"You know what I mean, your back in public school!"

"Yeah, I started a couple of days ago"

"How are you liking it?"

"It's the same as when I left it..."

"Oh come on Ryder! You started a new school with new people!"

"What do you mean new school?"

"You started a new school...right?"

"No"

Beth was silent, but only for a moment.

"Ryder, you didn't transfer to a new school?"

"No?"

"I thought you wanted to start fresh! We talked about this, even your mother agreed" Beth sighed rubbing her temple.

"I did start fresh" I muttered.

"You started your senior year at the same school, with the same people... what part of that creates a new beginning?"

"I'm different now, I've changed"

"Ryder?"

"What?" I growled

"Why are you doing this to yourself? You've made so much progress over the past few years!"

"I'm not doing anything"

She sighed and grabbed my hand gently.

"You are purposely re-opening wounds that are now just starting to heal." she closed her eyes and regained her composure. "Kriss-"

"Stop calling me that!"

"There is no way that this is even remotely healthy or helping your situation. How can you honestly tell yourself that this is okay? We had an agreement, we made a plan and now you're going rogue on me... I'm just here to help you."

"I am following the plan. I just made a few adjustments is all."

She sat quietly trying to find all the right words to say.

"You've created this facade as 'Ryder' as a way to mask all the pain and hurt you feel and that is okay. We all have to find a way to cope with the conditions life hands us, the good and the bad... But, you can't keep it up forever. You won't truly be able to overcome all of these adversities until you are honest with yourself on who you truly are and that includes the people you surround yourself with."

Beth sighed, I could see the concern all over her face. She didn't even bother hiding it. I know she means well but, she knows how to get under my skin. She's seen me at my worst and has never held any judgment. She's been there every step of the way helping pick up the pieces of my shattered life.

***

I parked in front of the high school ten minutes early as usual.

Grabbing a cigarette from my pack I lit it up and leaned on my hood.

I blew the warm smoke out watching as the student parking lot slowly filled with cars. One car caught my attention, it was Axel's car.

I watched him exit the four-door and greet his friends with a nod. He didn't stay and chat like he normally would instead he began walking toward me.

"We need to talk"

I looked down at him and smiled.

"Good morning Axel. How have you been?"

"I really need to talk to you"

He was getting a little too close to me.

I inhaled a breath of smoke and blew it in his face.

Axel began to cough and his eyes watered.

"What you've never smoked?" I laughed

He didn't answer.

"When I ask you a question I expect you to answer it"

"I'm not a smoker" He scowled

"Good, smoking is gross"

I dropped the cigarette butt on the ground and stomped it out.

"You're a hypocrite"

I shrugged not truly caring.

"So what did you want?"

"About the bathroom I-"

"I'm not going to tell anyone you cried" I rolled my eyes

He sighed frustrated.

"No! I just wanted to say that I meant it."

Axel turned to leave.

"Where are you going?"

"School is about to start"

He continued to walk away.

"Did I say you could leave?"

"Uh...No?"

"Exactly, get back here"

He awkwardly walked back toward me.

I took the time to look him over. He was wearing a plain black t-shirt that wrapped around his toned arms perfectly and a pair of light-wash, slim-fit jeans. All of his clothes always clung to him in all the right spots, like they were tailored specifically for him.

"Ryder?"

"Hmm?"

"Why are you doing this to me?"

I cocked my head and clicked my tongue.

"You had your own letter"

"What letter?"

"Kriss' letter"

--

I'm not okay. I haven't been for a while.

Have you ever felt so hopeless and empty that breathing was hard? I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore.

I miss my dad and Nix so much. Why was it them and not me? It should have been me.

The walls feel like their closing in around me and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

I just want it to stop.

I can't live like this anymore.

I'm sorry.

I folded the letter with care. I made sure each fold was even and straight. This is the last thing they will get from me.

It has to be perfect.

I grabbed another sheet of paper and began writing one more letter.

Dear Axel,

I hate you.

I crumpled the paper up.

I don't hate him, that'd be lying.

Dear Axel,

Why?

What did I do?

I can't seem to understand what made you hate me so much. I think you might hate me more than I hate myself.

I just can't do it anymore. I can't handle another day with you in my life. I'm already surrounded by misery and you make it so much worse.

You were right, I am better off dead.