Happy John Laurens Day everybody!
Now before I give you joy because of today, let's have some angst.

I'm sorry, not sorry.
But I did cry throughout writing this. 

TW: depressing thoughts, self harm. I will put a sign in case you're too sensitive in this topic. It goes on until the end of this chapter. :)

John's POV

The night after we forgave Thomas, I didn't sleep.

I couldn't sleep.

I wept and wept and cried all night.
I checked my digital clock. The red numbers illuminated my face slightly.
It read, 12:09AM.

Today is now officially January 9.

I sighed.
You may be wondering right now, why am I crying?

Funny question. Last chapter answered it.

No?

I'm heartbroken.

Alex likes Thomas.

And not me.

I learnt to not get too attached to people.

But now, I forgot about that.

I love Alexander.

Holy macaroni and cheese-

No, I'm in love with him.

I let out a quiet sob. My sheets were already damp with sweat and tears.

Why Alexander?

Why do you like Thomas?

Why are you so beautiful, and fragile? Why are you so determined? Why are you so small? Why is your life so hard yet you always know how to climb up again? Why do you have such intelligent eyes that always gets filled with curiosity? Why does your laugh make me want to smile forever? Why does your smile make my frown turn upside-down?

Why do you have to be so... perfect?

Why did you make me fall in love with you?

That's it.

I felt hopeless.

Nothing but sorrow and dread is in my mind. Nothing but hurt and...

And love.

Thomas must be lucky to be liked, maybe even loved, by such a perfect boy named Alexander Hamilton.

What if he doesn't love James anymore?

What if he turns down James and be with Alexander?

What if they start dating?
What if they marry?

But I'll always love him.

I'll always be there for him.

Even if I'm nothing more than a best friend.

As long as I see him for the rest of my life.

Damn, that sounded so cliché.

That night I cried and cried.

When I already fell asleep, the first streaks of dawn already filled my room.

And I woke up a minute after with my alarm blaring in my ears.

"John, get up!" Herc pounded at my door.

"Okay. Gimme a few minutes! " I shouted, my voice raspy from all the crying. I walked towards the bathroom. Once my eyes fixed on the mirrors, a pair of sad eyes stared back.

I looked back at myself.

Eye bags.

Tear-stained cheeks.

Messy hair.

It's like I've been attacked by some horrendous monster, except this monster is love.

And I accepted it. I let it take over me.

I sighed. I hated myself. I hated my freckles, my dirty brown eyes, my curly frizzy hair.

I looked ugly.

That's why no one loves you.

What?

Nobody cares about you.

N-no! My friends do...

Are you sure?

Yes...

I shook my head, removing all the thoughts.

I take of my clothes and just took a quick shower then threw on a flannel shirt and sweatpants.

"Damn, bro, you look like shit." Herc laughed, walking from the kitchen holding some toast. He placed a hand on my shoulder. "But, seriously, are you okay at that state?"

I nodded and plastered a fake smile. "Yeah, I'm alright."

He gave me a hard stare. I didn't realize that I was holding my breath. Occasions like this, Herc and my closest friends rarely buy my words.

But.

This was an exception.

He slowly, and reluctantly, nodded his head. He sighed putting his hand down, "Alright. But just skip some classes, today."

"But-" I tried but was interrupted by Hercules. I did not want to miss class. I would fail, and my father could possibly get mad for dropping out.

"Laurens." He looked at me sternly. "Your health is much more important."

More like mental health and love life, I thought.

"I'm sure Mr. Washington will understand. Now, I have to go to class or else Ms. Sawyer will get angry at me." He waved goodbye, as I munched on a piece of toast that was left on the plate.

I retreated back to my bed and sighed.

I'm boooooreeeeddddd, I thought.

I muttered to myself, "Come on brain, think of things. Come on brain, think of things. Come on brain, be so smart."

I groaned. I like being alone, but I'm so bored without my friends. I pouted and tried to think of what to do.

I turn my back to Alex the turtle. I stood up and started petting him.

"Aww. You little cutie." I grinned. A turtle is enough to put a smile on my face...

And Alex.

I frowned at the thought of him. I looked back down to see my turtle nibbling at a piece of pebble. I tutted, "No, no, no. I'll get you some food." 

I went to the kitchen and chopped some lettuce, humming a small little tune from DEH.

"If I could tell her." I sang, retreating back into the room with a handful of leaves. "Tell her everything I see. If I could tell her, how she's everything to me." I dropped the chopped leaves.

I sighed. "Now what? Sing love songs the whole day?" I sadly laughed.

I flopped down on my bed and opened my secret drawing book I hide under my pillow and a pencil. 

For the next few minutes was me doodling blobs. I go with the flow when I draw. I started doodling lines. I continued singing the same tune. 

In the end, my drawing surprisingly turned out to be the boy I love.

Alex.

"But we're a million worlds apart." I sang, tears strolling down my freckled cheeks."And I don't know how I would even start. If I could tell her. If I could..."

I decided to continue with this masterpiece.

Alex is truly a beautiful masterpiece. 

I colored it with my new color pencils from Theo. They were from Arteza, and I could say, they were amazing and perfect for blending.

When there was a knock.

"John?"

"Pegs?"

"Where are you?"

"In mah room." I smiled as I see Pegs open the door. She fixes her gaze on my drawing book and I quickly hide under my pillow.

"Oooh!" She teased. "You're drawing Alex?"

"Y-Yeah..." I blushed.

Peggy frowned. "Now, straight to the point, why weren't you at class?"

"I didn't sleep..." I mumbled.

"John." She sat down beside me. "We both know that you sleep early, unless you go to the bar or some party." She chuckled.

"I couldn't sleep." I frowned.

"And why?" 

"Nothing..." I muttered under my breath, but Peggy heard.

"Jack." She crossed her arms.

"Don't call me Jack." I whined.

"Fine. Tell me what's bothering you." She hugged me. Platonically, of course.

"Nothing's wrong." I suddenly found interest at my hands, to avoid eye contact.

"Jack." She lifted my chin to look at my eyes. "I knew you since high school. There's definitely something wrong."

"Fine, maybe there is." I pouted.

"What?"

"I may or may not be jealous of Thomas..." My eyes started to pool with tears.

"What?! But you guys are best friends!" She exclaimed.

"Not really. Close friends, maybe, but you guys are my best friends." I looked at Peggy who was on the verge of tears.

"My
  My heart." She sobbed and hugged me tightly.
"But seriously. Why on earth would you be jealous of him?"

"Nothing..." I said. But I blurted out, "I think Alex likes him." I covered my mouth in surprise.

Peggy looked horrified. "No way!"

"Yeah, but-"

"You think. John, it couldn't possibly be true..."

"But what if he is!" I snapped. "Sorry, Pegs, it's just..."

"The Francis incident." She mumbled. 

Peggy's POV-

"The Francis incident." I mumbled.

Now, let my brain process this.

You readers don't know what I'm talking about.

But after about a minute you'll understand.

Just read.

You're probably thinking: Oh, Francis. That biatch- Like in other fanfics.

No.

Francis was John's best friend. Our best friend at highschool, except he moved to South Carolina for college. We stayed here.

Eventually, that's when John noticed he was gay. He loved Francis. They started dating but once Francis told John that he was moving back to the South, they broke up, since a long-distance relationship was too risky. Francis also broke up for another reason: They were better off as friends. Francis didn't want to hurt John, but the  feelings disappeared suddenly.

They were still best friends, but John still loved him, until he finally accepted it. 
They would meet up every once in a while, but so far, the last one was a couple of years ago.
Eventually, John grew distant from him and all the romantic feelings were gone, until Alex walked into his life.

Or rather flew into his life.
Since, they met in a plane.
No?

I'll stop now.

"It's just..." He continued. "I don't want love a person who wouldn't love me back...But I can't let go, Pegs. Somehow..." He sobbed onto my sweater.

That was my favorite sweater!
Eh. This is more important.

I really, badly, wanted to shout, "But he does love you! He wrote those letters!"

But I couldn't.

"Hey, John?"

"Yeah? Sorry 'bout your sweater..."

"Nevermind about that. How about your secret admirer."

"Oh? They dropped out a letter 2 weeks ago." He smiled.

"Oh, alright. Just curious..." I paused. "Want to go binge watching?"

He laughed at my random suggestion. "Sure."

-time skip-

"HONEY WATCHA WAITIN' FOR! STEP INTO MY CANDY STORE! IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO PROVE YOU'RE NOT A LOSER ANYMOREEE!" John and I sang.

We heard the main door open and close. "Guys, what the fuck?" We turned around and saw Herc, his book bag on his shoulder.

"Are we not allowed to watch Heathers?" I placed my hands on my hips, as John snorted, as Hercules rolled his eyes.

"If I'm allowed." And with that, he threw his bag somewhere and hopled on the couch with us.

"STEP INTO MY CANDY STORE!" We all shouted.

"Shut the fuck up guys!" Someone's muffled voice came from the room beside us.

-later (sorry)-

John's POV-

Peggy has passed out on the couch, so me and Herc agreed to let her spend the night here. I shoot a quick text to Angie to not worry about Pegs and that she's with us.

Hercules retreated to his room, maybe to stalk Lafayette's Instagram account and just blush all night.

I went back to my room and sighed.
I remember.

Alex doesn't love me.
Alex doesn't see me more than a friend.

I put on my headphone's to block whatever the people are saying from the other side of the fourth wall.

Nothing can happen.
Absolutely nothing.

(, TW!!!!!)

Hey, guess what?

Want to see a magic trick?

I'm clean for a year now.

Poof! That can change.

I hesitantly walked to the bathroom.

Fight pain with pain.

I dig around my bathroom closet until I spot what I'm looking for.

A knife.

I never told my friends that I had this knife, hidden away in here.

Just a few cuts...

I hiss in pain as I cut the first cut at my wrist.

1 cut for being gay.
2 cuts for falling in unrequited love.
3 cuts for being such a burden.

No one loves you.

No one ever will.

Before I knew it, my left arm was covered in cuts and blood.

It looked like my hand was biten by a shark except my hand was still there.

I quickly wash away the blood and the mess I made and wrap my arm in bandages.

I clean the floor and hide the knife.

One year clean?

Not anymore.

---
YOU CAN LOOK NOW!
Hehe.

Can I brighten up you up with thiz?

HAPPY JOHN LAURENS DAY!!!
May 17, 2020

I own the art.

I also want to thank you guys for reading!