I know, I probably sounded ungrateful, but please trust me, I wasn't. It just...came out wrong.

It's almost always like that, you see. When I try to open up, or when I try to speak up, I tend to say the wrong stuff out. Usually, I keep silent because I'm well aware of this stupid fact, however, I've been too exhausted these days. Mainly because, I've been storing up my anger inside of me, for a very long time, and it hasn't been out yet, it's still all bottled up, which is not healthy, I'm perfectly aware of that. So whenever I utter a word, everything else comes out, stupid, little stuff like, "there's no one out there who can't get me," or "it's really all pointless." I'm sorry if I make you feel bad about it, I really am sorry, I know your intentions are/were always good, but again, you've made me feel so low, and I guess, I gave you the 'permission' to do that, so it's partially my fault, you could say? I'm trying my best, I really am, it's just...lately the stuff you're saying is mainly bullshit. And stuff loaded with lots of my pet peeves, like, how, "I'm not trying hard enough" or like, "I haven't seen the world yet," listen, I have, and I can't really blame you for not believing that because I hid that from you. I hold so much in. You have no idea.

I'm really sorry if I don't consider you as someone 'close' for only a few people get that title.

I know, I have to get out of this depression myself- I know...I'm just coming out of it at my own pace, please understand that.

Please don't yell at me because that only makes me want to die more often than not. I've been numb to insults these days pretty much however at the same time, with this heavy emptiness, there's just too much to feel. I mean, how is that even possible, you know? Not feeling anything and yet, caring so much, like- how at all? I'm sorry, if I said that "jobs" were pointless, to get a "grip" on life, and I'm sorry if you think, me finding peace within myself is enough for me, is plainly stupid.

Listen, I don't want to transfer into a living machine, I don't want to feel caged, I already do feel like life's caging me, completely, but I don't want a life which's even more emptier. I mean, logically speaking, yes, jobs leads to earning, and earning leads to living your life in a better standard, but it's just too much work load, and I'm already in stress because of school, and I'm glad that you're aware of it but you're not really understanding how the fuck I feel. Because you had supportive parents, and you were focussed, and even if you weren't concentrated regarding school, you managed to find a way to get back on a track. No, I'm not saying you haven't faced any hardships, yes, yes- you have. You've gotten through a lot, and you're strong, and I'm proud of you, but hey, pushing me to the front of my anxieties, isn't going to help, you know? It's not "facing" or "coming to terms" with my anxiety. It's exposing me to it, even more. Making me feel insecure.

Please, don't force me to speed-en up my pace for getting better, I really am moving forward even if you can't see. I am. In bits and pieces, I truly am. I'm not going to let these fears of mine stay by my side forever. I won't allow it. I will face them, and I am facing them in ways you can't see. I am making my own decisions and I am starting to be independent. I'm learning and I'm growing, maturing by making both, the right and the wrong choices.

The thing is, you don't get to see that. You just don't. Why? Because, we aren't that close, and because of that; I'm not willing to share, it's that simple, and I can't blame you. I can't. I do try to interact with newer people, I try more to get out of my comfort zone, but again, you can't see that. Whenever I try to express how I feel, there's something in me that stops me, or instead, I get to sound like, 'someone who's being ungrateful.' I'm not. And God, I know sometimes anger can't be taken out, but I've been taking it all in from the very start, and you still don't understand, do you...? I need to let it all out, I need to. But I can't, because you'll get the literal wrong idea of it. Instead, I bottle it up usually and exhaust myself to the fullest. In days like these, I don't feel like interacting much and I need some time alone from everyone possible, and some space. I know, "life goes on," and I know, "you can't just not talk to people, or leave them", and I know, "you'll meet different people," and God, I know- "there'll be lots of hardships", I KNOW. Every single advice, is literally pointless because I know of them myself, again it comes to the point of moving at my own pace, why can you not understand? My head's too loud with thoughts and regrets, and it eats me up, my stomach's in knots almost every single time, and I've been loaded with exhaustion and hollowness and I can't do anything about it because at the same time I question about my existence and how pointless everything is, and I think too much about everyone, everything, and I think about the past, and the future a lot, and it just caves on me and it hurts a lot, so it's pretty much like I'm going to explode any moment from the inside.

YET. You think I'm not mentally exhausted, yet you don't process that thing that yes, I'm a human being who has her own pace and has her own life.

No, I've told you before, I can't just live for other people, I have a right to live for myself, give myself time, spoil myself if I must, because I literally deserve it. Build new bridges, get rid of the ones which are dangerous, and I know, life can be so stupidly cruel, at the same time, unbelievingly beautiful. I'm not asking for anything, no support, no appreciation, whatsoever.

I'm just asking you to understand me because it hurts that you don't. But then again, I can't make you understand me because I, can't understand myself, either.

Please know, that I will get out of this phase, just as you said. However, I'm doing it in ways that I think are right for me. I'll be okay, and I'll be alright. It's just, I believe, sometimes, it's really, perfectly, okay to say, that, "I'm having it low."