He heads into the kitchen to get something to drink and his stomach growls loudly, but he's not interested in eating anything still. He instead returns to his office and has a seat on his couch, rubbing his eyes; his head is pounding and he doesn't know why.

He leans back, letting his eyes fall shut. It's quiet and there's nothing to disturb him, so he easily falls asleep. He's not sure how long he sleeps for at first when he wakes up, but turning on his phone screen, he finds that it's almost nine already. Somehow the whole day flew by, and now he just wants to go home and go back to bed.

Leaving the office, he heads back home in silence. It allows him to get lost in his own thoughts on the way. He misses Suzy, misses Dan. He's been away from both of them for longer time periods than this, but not often at the same time like this. Besides, this is different. He knows that Suzy is up half the night worrying and that Dan still isn't interested in seeing him right now, and it hurts. It's all his fault.

What if Dan really does quit? What if he's through with it all now, and it's all Arin's fault? What if Dan doesn't want to do the show anymore because Arin kissed him and made every joke and bit between them a thousand times more real than before? What if Dan is disgusted by him now and wants nothing to do with him because of it, never wants to see or talk to him again? What if he loses his best friend for good over this? Over the kiss, over his feelings for Dan?

Arin has to pull the car over, the thoughts rushing through his head too fast and making him have an anxiety attack. He feels like he can't breathe, he can't see- he can't even function right. His chest hurts and he feels like vomiting, and he's so, so dizzy. His fingers are yanking at his own hair and then they're scrambling to get a grip on the car door's handle. He struggles to get the door open to get some fresh air, but he does get it open, thankfully.

He turns so that his legs are hanging out of the open door and he's leaning forward, his face between his knees. His fingers are in his own hair, yanking at the strands on the back of his head, close to his scalp. He's trying to take deep breaths, trying to calm down, trying to remind himself that Dan isn't the kind of person who would act the way Arin is afraid he might. Dan wouldn't be disgusted enough to stop speaking to him or to quit. He's not like that. Arin knows he isn't.

He just can't help how he's feeling.

Several cars zip past him on the main road, not too far from where his car sits in a mostly empty parking lot. He's already been sitting here for five minutes, but he's slowly calming down. Slowly, but surely.

When he can finally catch his breath, he slides his legs back into the car and closes the door. He still sits there for a moment, unmoving as his hands grip the wheel and turn his knuckles white, but he eventually pulls out of the parking lot and finishes the drive back home.

He immediately goes inside when he gets there, getting himself something to drink. His hands are still shaking a little, but his heartbeat has finally slowed. He makes sure not to drop his glass of water as he takes a long sip and then sets what's left on the countertop.

He should call Suzy, but he doesn't want her to worry even more than she must be already with the way he was acting at Brian's. Honestly, Arin wouldn't be surprised if Brian already told her about the whole killing himself thing, but he hopes that she knows that he wouldn't do that to her. He wouldn't; he loves her.

He settles down on the couch and tries to relax for a moment. It's a bit after 9 now, so he checks the TV and sees what's on. Nothing really, but he watches something anyway. After all, he's not really even paying attention- too busy zoning out.

The thing that snaps him back to reality is the sound of the doorbell ringing about twenty minutes later. Arin frowns and stands, feeling lightheaded as he makes his way over to his front door and pulls it open.

Never in a million years had Arin expected to see Dan here right now, standing in front of him, looking nervous and a bit in distress with his bottom lip pulled between his teeth and his face and hair partially illuminated by the porch light in an oddly pretty way. The younger man is so shocked that he doesn't even know what to say- he really didn't think he'd be seeing Dan this soon.

"Dan," tumbles out first as he blinks stupidly, "You're... what are you doing here?"

"I'm sorry, I know it's late, Arin," Dan starts, his curls bouncing a little when he lifts his head higher, "But can I come in?"

Arin nods wordlessly, probably looking dumbfounded as he steps aside and lets the older man into his home, closing the door behind him. When Arin turns to look at him, he almost wishes he hadn't. Dan looks so... worried, nervous, stressed out and pained in a way, all at the same time- Arin can't think of the proper word to describe how the older looks right now, but it's strange to see him like this. Arin hasn't seen this side of him in a long time.

Neither speak at first, but then Dan breaks the silence. "So I talked to Suzy," he says, scratching the back of his head, "And I talked to Brian, too. Suzy told me some things about you, some things about what you guys apparently talked about, and Brian gave me some advice. Part of me... wanted to come sooner to talk, but... I didn't know how to. I couldn't do it. But I'm here now, so... let's talk about things."

"Alright," Arin murmurs, leaning against the door. He feels nervous as he lets his eyes roam over the older man for a moment, but he forces himself to look away. "I'm listening."

"Just... to start things off," Dan begins again, standing awkwardly in the middle of the walkway, "How are you? How have you been? Be honest, and tell me everything."

Arin shrugs, biting down on the inside of his cheek. "If you want me to be honest, then shitty," he answers, eyes falling to the floor as he shifts from one foot to the other. "I, um... I'm sure you heard from Brian about me driving drunk over to his house and talking about killing myself even though I had- have no plans to- I was being stupid, as always. I had a hangover yesterday... and oh, um... I recorded some shitty solo let's plays today, and I've been sleeping a lot the past two days. I haven't eaten since Wednesday night and I had an anxiety attack on the drive home tonight because I'm pathetic as fuck and always gotta be a drama queen, so that's fun, right?"

He lets out a sigh, afraid to see Dan's expression. "You- you should eat, Ar," Dan utters softly, shaking his head as he stands there, looking uncomfortable. "I don't want you to get sick or anything, and about the other things... I'm sorry, Arin, are you okay? Do you want to talk to me about it?"

Arin manages to shake his head. "Yeah, I'm okay, but no, thanks. We don't need to talk about any of that right now; we can get into all of that unimportant shit later."

"But it is important-" Dan attempts to argue, but Arin doesn't let him.

"Dan, why did you even come here?" the younger asks him suddenly, interrupting. "If we're going to talk about things, then let's fucking just... get to it already. I'm... I'm not trying to be rude or cold to you or anything, but I'm just really tired and I honestly want to get this over with, so please don't ask me how I'm doing and don't make me fucking talk about what's going on with myself. Say what you have to say- what you really came to say."

He knows that the only reason Dan is here is to tell him that he forgives him and they can still be friends, even if it'll be awkward, and honestly Arin would rather just be done with it all already so he can have time to be alone and process it better and think about how to act from now on.

"I can just go and come back another time," Dan tells him, but Arin stops him from coming closer to the door with a firm hand to his chest. Dan looks down at it and stops.

"No, just talk now. You're already here, so... so don't waste the trip. What do you want to say, Dan? Tell me."

It's kind of an excuse- he honestly just doesn't want Dan to go yet. He's missed him so much and even seeing him is helping a little. All Arin wants is for him to stay and tell him that everything will be okay between them. He just wants for it to be better, but the selfish part of him wants more than that. He wants more than what Dan is willing to give.

Dan reaches up and moves Arin's hand off of his chest gently, but instead of letting go, he holds the younger's hand in his own. Arin looks at where their fingers are intertwined, slightly surprised, but he tries not to let it show on his face. His hopes are higher than he knows they should be right now, and it's scary.

"I'm sorry, Arin," Dan finally murmurs with a soft exhale. "I'm sorry for the way I walked out on you like that the other night. I... I didn't mean to be such an asshole about it."

Arin shakes his head, his hair falling into his eyes. "No, no," he says as his eyes stay locked onto the floor, "I fuckin' completely deserved it. I'm sorry for, um... for what I did."

"No, don't be sorry, Ar," Dan replies, squeezing Arin's fingers a little. "It's just that I... When you... when you kissed me, I... got scared. I got scared and I ran away, and it was such a shitty thing to do to you, and I didn't mean it."

"What scared you?" Arin whispers, finally meeting Dan's eyes with his own.

Dan shrugs with a smile, his eyes full of tears when he breathes out, "There was a brief second where I realized that... I liked the feeling of your lips on mine- a brief second where I thought about you, about us together, about... taking things further, and it scared the fucking shit out of me, Arin, because you know me- I don't really like guys in that way. I never could've fucking imagined myself seriously kissing another guy and enjoying it, and the fact that I did... it terrified and disgusted me at first, so I pushed you away."

Arin bites his lip, deciding not to interrupt with his questions or concerns.

"And then my next thoughts were of Suzy. She's my friend and I couldn't help but feel like I made you cheat on her in a way, and it made me feel awful and sick to my stomach. That was part of the reason I was so angry when I left, and I didn't know what to do about it. And then she called me when I was right around the corner from my house, and we talked. She helped me calm down a little."

"And then...?" Arin asks as they slowly make their way over to the couch in the front room and sit down. Dan holds Arin's hand tighter as he continues to speak.

"Then," Dan begins again, "I told her what happened, and that I was sorry, but she said that she already knew- she'd just talked to you and you were really upset. She then went on to explain to me the reason why you'd started getting depressed again before you talked to her- she... informed me of your feelings, and... she explained to me the deal you two made. About me."

Arin nods slowly, a little embarrassed, but he wants Dan to go on anyway.

"She asked me why I acted the way I did, and told me that you said that it really hurt you. Of course I felt like shit over it, but she told me that you would forgive me, and then asked me again so I told her the truth; I was scared that I could end up being gay or bisexual and having feelings for you- another man.

"I confessed that maybe I'd thought about it before, but I always told myself that it wasn't a serious thing and shrugged it off like it was nothing. Every joke we made about sex and every time you asked me to kiss you, every time we slept beside each other, every time you ended up in my arms or in my lap, every pet name we gave each other... I had to convince myself that all of this was normal best friend shit and didn't mean anything more, but deep down I knew that we were closer and acted a lot more fuckin' different than what's normal for even best friends.

"Like when we smoked that weed together the other day. I knew that shotgunning was an intimate thing that couples do, yet I dared myself to ask you to do it anyway and made up an excuse in my head to make it okay. And maybe I noticed how disappointed you were when I said that we weren't going to kiss, but I pushed that all away and convinced myself that I was imagining things."

Arin's quiet, not really sure where this is going so he just waits instead of speaking, listening carefully.

"So anyway, back to what I was saying, Scuze told me to think about things, and maybe give it a shot. And after I got home and after I spoke with her, I slept on what she said the best I could and in the morning, I asked Brian to meet with me so I could talk about it with someone else, too, and get a second opinion. He listened to me and gave me some advice in his own way, and his words almost echoed Suzy's- except he said that I should do what I feel is best and what is good for my heart or something, whatever the fuck that means, and again, I was left torn on what to do. I spent most of yesterday and today trying to figure it all out."

"So, if you're here, then you must've figured out something," Arin concludes, taking a deep breath. Dan gives a nod.

"Yeah, I um..." he starts, but pauses, his curls bouncing around as he looks down at his lap and tries to get the words out. "I'm still trying to figure out how I'm feeling- about my sexuality, about you, but what I do know is that despite all that, I still... want to try."

Arin's heart is pounding, unsure if he understands what he's hearing right. "You... what?" he questions blankly, "Are you fucking with me?"

Dan flushes, embarrassed. "Goddammit, Arin, no," he sighs, but then he smiles a little, shaking his head. "I really... wanna try. To be with you. In... in a relationship."

Arin blinks, looking confused and dumbfounded. "Dan, are you fucking serious right now, dude?"

Dan rolls his eyes, giggling. "Well, yeah," he says softly, "But like... m- maybe we could... start things off slow, I guess? Like with everything we used to do, except... I dunno, maybe we could hold hands more often, and give longer hugs and cuddles and like... go on dates. Shit like that, but just for now. Later, when I'm more comfortable, we can try other things, like kissing... or whatever. What do you think?"

His eyes meet the younger's, and Arin sits up straighter, his own eyes widened. "Holy shit, you're serious," he whispers as it just now hits him how real it is, running a hand through his hair. Dan smacks him really hard on the arm for it.

"Yes, I'm fucking serious, you idiot. I've only said that two or three times already."

"Shut up! I'm just... shocked. I don't know how to even respond to any of this shit, dude. Holy fuck, my head is whirring right now."

Dan tilts his head. "You could fuckin' say yes," he suggests with a shrug. "Unless you don't like the idea."

Arin grins, shoving him playfully. "Of course I'm gonna say yes, you fuckin' doof," the younger man tells him, pulling him in for a hug. "Goddammit, Dan, I... I love you so much. Thank you for giving me a chance. You... you don't understand how fucking happy this makes me."

"Thank your wife," Dan responds seriously, holding Arin just a little tighter. "If she hadn't called me, then I probably would still be at home, freaking out. She convinced me to try it, and see how I feel. So that's what I'm gonna do."

Arin bites his lip as they separate, his thumb brushing against Dan's cheekbone. "Fuck, I wanna kiss you right now," he admits, his eyes unable to stay away from the older now that he pretty much has permission to look, "But I won't until you tell me that's what you want. Not again. I feel really bad for freaking you out and making you pretty much rethink everything. I'm sorry."

"Hey," Dan murmurs, brushing the hair away from Arin's eyes, "Don't be sorry. If you hadn't done that, I'd still fuckin' be in total denial and would've been for the rest of my life probably. But I should be the one apologizing anyway- I shouldn't have left like that, leaving you all alone when I know how you get when that happens. I'm so sorry. Can you forgive me?"

"Of course I fucking forgive you," Arin breathes out, his forehead resting against Dan's chest. "How could I not? I know you didn't mean it. You don't know how fucked up I was without you around and I... I don't want you to go away again."

Dan doesn't say anything to that, but he does pull Arin closer, and he does speak again after a moment. "Don't be afraid to like... push me a little, okay?" When Arin looks up at him to figure out what that means, Dan's eyes fall away from him. "I know that it's not wrong or disgusting for me to like another guy- it's not wrong or disgusting for me to have feelings for you, but it doesn't mean it's easy for me. All of this is so new to me, so scary, and more than likely I'm going to start doubting everything and I don't want to freak out and think that it's bad, because it's not. So if for any reason I start to grow more distant, push me a little, don't give up on me, because I really am trying hard, Arin. I am, and I will continue to."

"I understand, and I won't give up," Arin starts, his fingers digging into Dan's jacket, "Just promise me you'll let me know when I'm going too far for you, okay? Don't like... be afraid to tell me to back off."

Dan nods, and then slowly leans forward with a shaky breath, pressing a soft kiss to Arin's cheek. "That sounds good to me, big cat, so... I promise, if you do."

"I promise," Arin whispers back.

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