He has time to think about things while he drives, the ride home quiet. He actually feels a bit better after that good cry and after actually listening to Dan for once. Arin knows he shouldn't be so sad over his feelings for him because there's no point. He's going to ruin things if he stays like this, and he's going to be missing out on so many wonderful moments because of it all.

Instead of being depressed because he loves Dan, Arin thinks that maybe he should try to feel better about it, try to get over it, or at least try to ignore it if he can.

But with the amount of time that Arin has to be around Dan, it won't just go away- his feelings will probably get stronger, if that's possible, and it actually kind of scares him. What if it gets to the point where he can barely stop himself from making a move? What if he says too much- something he can't take back? What if he crosses a line without realizing it? What if he does something too inappropriate, even for them? What if it gets so bad that he starts thinking of Dan whenever he gets off, if he accidentally calls out Dan's name instead of Suzy's when he's in bed with her?

And what if it just eventually becomes too obvious?

Arin doesn't know what the hell to do. He doesn't know why he feels this way. He doesn't know what Dan would probably think of him if he found out, how Dan would react, what he would say and do. What if he leaves Game Grumps and disbands Starbomb? What if he distances himself until they stop being friends? What if Dan is so disgusted, he stops talking to him and never wants to see him again?

It scares Arin to think about the possibility of losing Dan because of his stupid feelings, but he doubts it would actually happen. Dan would probably be weirded out, maybe even flattered, and he would turn Arin down and then probably distance himself for a while. And things would be awkward, but then eventually things would probably go back to normal, to an extent. The things they do now, the way they act around each other, all the jokes... it would all change. Dan wouldn't be too comfortable around Arin anymore.

Maybe Dan wouldn't be too weirded out by it though. Maybe he'd be flattered, politely turning Arin down in his own way because he doesn't share his feelings, giving any excuse he can. Maybe they'd pretend like Arin's feelings never existed for a while, and Dan's side of the playful flirting would stop. Maybe one day, the feelings would be brought up because Dan just doesn't get it, he doesn't understand, and it bothers him still. Maybe he'd ask Arin if he still felt the same, and be upset when the answer is 'yes'. Maybe Dan would get a girlfriend and then grow distant, and it'd get to the point where they never talk about Arin's feelings for him again, barely even talk anymore in general.

But in every scenario Arin can think up, it doesn't go too well. That's just because he knows Dan and knows that he wouldn't seriously be interested. He jokes about that shit, but he's never as serious as Arin sometimes is about it. And that's what really fucking hurts the most about it- there's no way Dan could ever look back at Arin the way Arin looks at him, there's no way Dan could mean things the same way Arin does.

He exhales, gripping onto the wheel tighter. He needs to stop thinking about all the bad things that could happen, all the ways shit could go wrong, all of the worst parts of the whole situation, and needs to start thinking about what the hell he's going to say to Suzy when he sees her at home. He has to apologize for starters, but he isn't sure if he should talk to her about his feelings, especially right now. He doesn't know what she'll say if he does.

Would she be okay with it or would she be upset and jealous? He doubts it would be the latter because Suzy has always been there for him and she's always been so supportive of him and his interests and everything. Maybe it would work out if he told her and maybe he'd feel better about it all. Maybe she could help him, give him advice on what the fuck to do, how to go about it, and tell him if he should give up and move on or not.

He pulls into the driveway, shutting off the car as his stomach rumbles. He sits there for a good minute or two before he gets out and heads to the door, stepping inside almost silently.

Suzy's in the kitchen, once again working on things but this time on her tablet; probably designing new stickers. She looks up from the screen when he walks in, frowning sadly as she takes notice of his red, puffy eyes.

"Hey baby," she murmurs when he sits down across from her at the island, setting down his phone and keys and resting his chin in his palm. "Is everything okay?"

"No," Arin tells her softly after a moment of silence, drawing invisible shapes with his finger on the countertop. "Everything's not okay because I was a dick to you- I fucking snapped at you for no reason and you didn't deserve that shit at all because it wasn't your fault in any way, and now you're sitting here, only worried about me and how I'm feeling when I'm doing anything but being a good husband to you, and I... I don't fucking deserve you, Suze. I really don't."

"Arin, it's-" Suzy tries as she sets down her drawing tablet and clicks off the screen to focus on him, but Arin only shakes his head, interrupting her before she can finish speaking.

"Don't say that it's okay; it's not. You should be so, so fucking pissed at me and I can't figure out why you're not."

"Because I understand, and I love you. It's not that big of a deal, baby."

Suzy looks just as saddened as Arin's feeling again. "It is to me. I'm sorry for talking to you like that. You should have hit me for it, or Dan should've done it. It's not okay and I have no good excuse. I really, really am sorry and I promise, it wasn't because of you at all. It was because of me and how I've been feeling lately. It made me feel like I had to push you away to hurt you less and I know that it makes no fuckin' sense. But I love you so much, and it won't happen again. None of it."

Suzy reaches over and takes his hand in her own, bringing it to her lips and kissing his knuckles. It's so sweet that it makes him want to smile, but he just can't bring himself to.

"I forgive you," she whispers as she lightly squeezes his fingers, a smile on her lips. "I know you didn't mean it, so stop beating yourself up over it, okay?"

Arin swallows, gently pulling his hand away from her to run a hand through his hair. "I want to talk to you," he says suddenly, unable to look her in the eyes. Her smile fades at that, and she sits up a little straighter, nodding. Arin clears his throat before he speaks again. "I have to do it now, or else I'll just fuckin' talk myself out of it again. So, um... firstly, I really, really do love you- I don't think it's possible that I could ever stop loving you, and I still want to be with you no matter what, but... I understand if you feel differently because of what I want to tell you."

Suzy can't help but to feel panicked. She doesn't even know what to expect. "Go on," she utters quietly, reaching for his hand again. "I'll listen to whatever you have to say, even if I may not like it. But whatever it is, I wouldn't leave you. I couldn't ever."

He nods, letting out a shuddering breath. Here goes nothing.

"I- fuck, how do I even say this?" He pauses for a moment, frowning. "The reason I've been so... weird lately- the reason I've been so depressed again out of nowhere, the reason I've been drinking more, and just... the reason for everything, I guess, is because I'm an idiot, and I feel selfish, and greedy, and wrong. It feels awful having to hide something like this, especially from my two best friends, and I can't do it anymore. I'm tired of feeling so trapped and alone when I shouldn't."

He speaks slowly, finding it hard to get the words out, his heart pounding away in his chest. Suzy listens carefully, trying not to interrupt him.

"And I don't want to hurt you, Suze, I really don't, but somehow I feel like I am just because of this. I need to be honest with you about it- I need to tell someone or else I'm going to end up going out of my fucking mind or something. It's eating away at me and the guilt is overwhelming. I don't even know why, because it's not like I've really done anything to feel guilty about."

Suzy holds her breath, waiting for him to come out and say it- that he's cheating on her or wants to leave her or something. That's gotta be it, right? That's what it sounds like, but...

"Tell me," she pleads softly, biting down on her lower lip hard enough to taste blood and squeezing Arin's fingers without realizing. "Arin, please, tell me. What is it?"

"I'm in love with you, but..." Arin takes a deep breath, heartbeat getting faster when he gives up and lets it come out, "I think I'm also in love with Dan."

A moment passes and neither say a word. Suzy blinks, and then she relaxes a little, exhaling and feeling slightly relieved that he isn't cheating or considering leaving after all, while Arin just sits across from her looking terrified and guilt-ridden, unable to meet her eyes. When it's been silent for too long, he speaks again.

"So um, that's why I've been so fucked up lately; I... I love you both, and I want you both and it's so selfish of me. I feel like shit for also loving him when I'm supposed to be fucking dedicated and faithful to you because you're my wife, and you're so good to me. So, so fucking good to me. Goddammit, I don't deserve you."

He pauses, wetting his lips and swallowing thickly. "I don't know how this even happened, but Suze, I'm so fucking scared of losing either of you because of it. It's so hard to deal with this alone, but I was so afraid to tell you, and I know I can't tell him, and I just didn't know what else to do or who to go to besides you after all. And right now, I just don't know what to do about anything. But please, don't be upset with me. I really can't help myself. I didn't want to feel this way but somehow it just happened. I love you, and I also love him, and it's messing me up for real. I want to just get over it or something, but I don't know how."

He finally looks her in the eyes then, and she stands up, quickly coming to the other side of the island to hug him tightly. He holds her close, and for a while they just stay like that.

When Suzy pulls away, she looks at him, cupping his cheek. "I'm not upset," she starts, kissing him lightly on the forehead, "Not in the slightest. I'm a little surprised, but I can't say that I never thought that you could possibly have feelings for him too. And you know what, Arin? I don't mind. I know that you can love more than one person at a time. You do now, and it's okay."

Arin doesn't know what to say, but he instantly feels like a heavy weight has been lifted from his chest. He lets out a sigh, resting his head against Suzy's shoulder.

"You don't know how relieved I feel right now," he whispers as she plays with his hair. "I hated keeping it from you. It fucking sucked, but I feel a little better now that it's out there. I just don't know where to go from here, what to do now. It's gonna be so hard to get over him."

"You don't have to," Suzy tells him, and he lifts his head to look at her, a puzzled expression on his face. "We could work out a deal. If anything were to ever happen between the both of you, then it would be okay; Dan can be an exception, as long as you wouldn't, like, neglect me, of course. And you'd have to give me every detail of what goes on."

God, Arin loves her so fucking much. His face lights up and he hugs her again, pressing a kiss to her shoulder.

"How did I end up with the greatest woman ever?" he asks, knowing that he really doesn't deserve her one bit. Suzy giggles, kissing the top of his head. "I'm so glad that I have you."

"Pure luck, maybe, but I'm glad I have you too, baby."

A moment of silence passes between them, but there's still one thing bothering Arin. "I just..." he starts again with a sigh, "I don't think that Dan shares my feelings at all though. You've met him obviously- he's as straight as a fucking board, and even if he weren't, just look at me. He wouldn't be into me; I'm too fat and gross."

Suzy lightly smacks his arm. "Shut the fuck up," she swears, which she doesn't do too often. "I think you're beautiful, not fat and gross, and I love every single inch of you. I bet that Dan would agree with me on this one."

"But you have to think I'm beautiful- you're married to me," Arin protests with a roll of the eyes and small smile, but Suzy shushes him, letting him go to head to the fridge.

"Not true, but anyway, just let things fall where they may, babe. You don't know how Dan feels yet, so just have some hope and don't give up. Who knows, maybe Dan is in the same position as you right now- unsure of how you feel, so just keep trying. Maybe drop hints more often, flirt more with him, you know. Do whatever you need to. People's feelings can change. And if he really, really isn't interested? Then that's when you decide to get over him, but don't just assume he isn't into you. Let him say how he feels himself."

Arin nods as Suzy pulls some food out of the fridge for the both of them. "Maybe you're right," he says, and at that she smiles.

"Of course I'm right, silly."

After they both eat, they sit down to talk for a while longer before they both do their own thing. Arin feels so much better by the time he crawls into bed sometime after midnight, so much so that he's able to fall asleep easily, his mind clear and free of negative thoughts.

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