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Arin isn't sure when his jokes stopped being jokes and started becoming more... serious. Every "kiss me" now carries a hint of hopefulness, every teasing, flirty sentence about Dan that starts with "I want" carries some truth, and every "I love you" now has a different, more real meaning behind it than it used to. Every touch lasts longer, every look holds something more, and every word is filled with a lot more meaning than before.
When did it get like this? Since when has his heart insisted on beating too fast when Dan's around? Why is it that Arin can't stop himself from smiling so much when he sees him now, can't stop his heart from aching at the same time? Why can't he handle Dan making flirty jokes back without worrying so much about whether or not he really means it anymore?
Since when has Arin started meaning all of the shit he says now? Since when has he started thinking of Dan in a different way? And what about Suzy? He loves her, of fucking course he does and he doesn't think he could ever stop loving her, but... what if...
What if it's possible that his heart has enough room for more than just Suzy?
His mind is wandering too much, the thoughts all too distracting to be able to properly focus on anything. On screen, Mario falls right into a normally easy to avoid spike and dies immediately, causing Arin to have to start from the very beginning of the level all over again, yet he doesn't even register it right away. Dan's laughter pulls Arin out from his thoughts and he looks over to see Dan smiling widely at the screen.
"Dude, what just happened right there?" the older questions with another laugh as the level restarts and Arin begins playing again, still unable to pay attention to the game at all. "You were doing so good. Did you fuckin' forget to jump over that spike or something?"
"Nah, I'm just being a fuckin' idiot," Arin replies, meaning for it to sound like he's joking, but instead he just sounds really dejected and he can't seem to make himself force a laugh to play it off. He winces at the sound of his own voice and keeps playing even though he's sure Dan is looking at him now; he can feel the older man's eyes burning holes into his temple. Arin goes silent for a moment, but dies again immediately and huffs. "Fuck, alright, next time on Game Grumps."
He tosses the controller lightly onto the table as Dan cheerfully says goodbye into the microphone. Arin writes down the stopping time as Dan pushes his mic away from his face and sits forward to grab his drink. Arin can still feel his eyes on him, but he doesn't look over and check to make sure, even as the notepad is tossed onto the table and as he leans back into the couch.
"Hey, big cat," Dan murmurs suddenly as he slowly scoots closer to Arin, touching his shoulder gently in a comforting way. "Are you alright? I noticed things have been kinda... weird with you lately. You haven't seemed like yourself. What's up?"
Arin finds himself letting out a sigh, too afraid and too ashamed to look at Dan when he lies to him. "I'm fine," he answers, lightly patting Dan's leg to reassure him somehow, maybe also to reassure himself. "I've just been feeling tired or something, and... yeah. Anyway, I'm good. Don't worry, man."
He drags a hand over his face before he looks over at Dan and forces a smile that it seems Dan can see right through.
"Are you sure that's all that's wrong? You can tell me."
Dan's watching him carefully now, so Arin doesn't bother with lying too much again. "I guess I've just been feeling down again lately, but it's nothing to worry about," he tells him, running a hand through his own hair. It's a half-lie, of course, but it's still closer on the truth side of the scale and more believeable too. "I just... fuck, I've been thinking too much about all kinds of shit, you know? But I don't wanna talk about it. I'll try to be better about it by tomorrow."
Dan nods, deciding not to push it even though he finds himself worried that Arin's depressed again. But Dan is then scooting closer and Arin finds himself leaning into Dan's side when his hand moves so that he can wrap his arm around the younger, as if he is trying to hug him or snuggle with him. Arin lets his head rest somewhere between Dan's shoulder and chest, listening to his strong and steady heartbeat. It helps a bit.
"Well, do you wanna stop recording for today then?" Dan then asks him, and Arin shrugs his shoulders a little. He doesn't feel like playing the game if he's honest, and he's torn between wanting to be around Dan and wanting to be away from him to clear his head, but he doesn't want Dan to worry about him anymore. "We can order some food and just fuckin' hang out or do whatever you want."
Arin nods slightly, deciding. "Yeah, okay," he says, playing with one of the buttons on Dan's shirt and tracing patterns on the fabric over his flat tummy.
When they're sitting here like this, all snuggled up together, Arin's bare legs across Dan's lap with his head upon Dan's shoulder, it's hard not to imagine what it'd be like if they were really together. And suddenly, it becomes easier to understand how the joking and playful flirting turned into something more real for Arin.
Maybe in another world Dan would pepper kisses all over his face until he was giggling and smiling, tucking a stray piece of hair behind his ear and kissing the tip of his nose as he looks at Arin in the same way that Arin looks back at him. Maybe in another world Arin would kiss his collarbone, kiss his neck and hold onto him just a little tighter, never wanting to let go- even as he felt better. Maybe there, Dan would let him. Maybe there, Dan would want him.
But this is not another world- it's reality, and it's all Arin's got. He can't ruin it with his dumb feelings and childish fantasies, so he tucks them away for another time, shoving them into the far corners of his mind for now.
Dan grabs his phone from his pocket and unlocks it, lightly squeezing Arin's arm. "What do you want to eat, Handsome Hanson?" he inquires, eyes flickering to the younger's face as he prepares to pull up any website or call any places to order.
The corners of Arin's lips turn up a little in a smile at that. Dan doesn't miss it, grinning as he waits for an answer. "Maybe Thai?" Arin suggests with another shrug, one-handedly undoing one of Dan's buttons and then quickly putting it through the hole and back into place. "I don't fuckin' know, whatever you choose is fine."
"Thai it is then," Dan hums, ordering their usual online through a delivery service. He tosses his phone onto the cushion beside him when he's done, watching Arin draw shapes on his shirt with one finger absently. "What do you want to do, baby bear? Watch a movie?"
"I guess so," Arin replies softly. Dan untangles himself from him to move the mics and turn them off and to shut off the game, setting up something to watch even though that's not quite what this room is meant for so they don't have many dvds lying around.
Dan makes sure to grab the blanket before settling down next to Arin again. The younger wants to ask to cuddle, but he doesn't want to seem too clingy. It's just that even though it starts to hurt him, he wants to be around Dan, wants to be as close as he can without stepping over any boundries or crossing any lines.
After about twenty minutes into the movie, the food arrives so Dan goes to get it for them. Arin checks his phone in the meantime, finding a text from Suzy saying that she went home about 45 minutes ago and that she loves him and will see him soon. He sends a response as Dan walks in and sets his phone back down so that he can eat.
He eats less than maybe half of the container before he's shoving it away, not feeling up to eating. Dan looks at him, puzzled, swallowing before speaking.
"Hey, is everything okay?" he questions, but Arin doesn't answer, leaning back and pulling the blanket up higher over himself. "Are you not hungry?"
"I just don't feel like eating," the younger says truthfully, eyes on the TV. Dan sets his own food down and Arin feels bad, knowing Dan won't finish if he won't. He feels guilty all of a sudden for keeping Dan here with him, making the older man worry about him and all but it feels so wrong to lie to him, especially to his face. Arin feels like maybe he should just head home and go to sleep or something, but before he can say that, Dan's speaking again.
"Do you want snuggles from your snuggle man?" he asks Arin all of a sudden with a slight smile, opening his arms a little. Arin sighs- it's too hard to turn him down.
"Fuck, yeah dude, please," he gives in with a nod, voice quiet. He curls up half in Dan's lap and half on the couch, making sure the blanket is over both of them as they both keep their eyes on the screen. Dan relaxes and so does Arin, so much so that the younger finds himself falling asleep in Dan's arms.
"Wake up, big cat," Dan whispers at some point, gently shaking him what feels like only seconds later, but when Arin opens his eyes, he finds that the movie's long been over. He must look confused when he looks around because Dan's speaking again. "You fell asleep, but the movie just ended and I thought you'd want to go home to Suzy. Do you want me to drive you?"
Arin thinks about it and figures that if he agrees, he gets to spend just a bit longer with Dan, and he can always just ride back up to the office with Suzy tomorrow and get his car then.
He nods, so Dan once again untangles himself from Arin to shut everything down while Arin puts his hoodie on over his tank top, zipping it up. He grabs his leftover Thai food and his drink, slips on his sandals and then he and Dan are walking out of the Grump room.
It's only about 8PM or so, so some people like Ross and Brian and Jory are still lingering, working on their own things. Arin and Dan wish everybody they see goodnight as they leave the office.
The ride to Arin's house is mostly silent, but it seems to be comfortable to Dan- Arin is lost in his thoughts again as he looks out of the window though and it's hard for the older of the two not to worry. When they arrive, Dan surprises Arin with a hug.
"I'll see you tomorrow," he murmurs as he pulls back, one hand back on the wheel and the other lingering on Arin's shoulder. "I hope you feel even a little better by then at least."
"Thanks, Danny," Arin replies as he opens the passenger door, giving Dan a small smile. As he heads to the door, he hears Dan pulling away behind him. Without looking back, he goes inside, trying not to be too loud even though he knows Suzy is up.
He sets his stuff down on the kitchen's island where Suzy sits, perched on top of a barstool, working on something on her laptop. She smiles when she notices him there, but doesn't look away from her work.
"Hey babe," she greets, and only looks up from the laptop when he's leaning over to kiss her lightly on the lips. She can tell something is up with him again, so she closes her laptop lid when he makes his way to the fridge to grab the half a bottle of whatever alcohol they'd had left from the other night, Suzy's eyes flickering to it. Arin's been drinking a lot more recently, and she isn't sure why. "What's the matter, baby? Is everything alright?"
He keeps his back turns when he lies to her. "Yeah, everything's fine, I'm just tired and wanna have a drink," he tells her, trying to sound convincing. When he reaches the stairs, he turns back to look at her. "Um, I rode home with Dan by the way, so my car is still at the office. I'm gonna ride in with you tomorrow."
"Okay," she says, still feeling like something is wrong. Before she opens her laptop back up to finish her project, she looks at her husband again, worry in her tone and in her eyes. "Are you.. are you sure everything's okay?"
He fakes a smile. "Yeah, Suze, I promise. Love you."
"I love you too, sweetie. Don't drink too much tonight- we have to get up earlier tomorrow."
Unconvinced but not wanting to push him, Suzy sighs and returns to her work as Arin heads upstairs. If he doesn't want to talk, she's not going to force him. She just hopes that he's not depressed again and that if he was, he'd tell her. God, she doesn't know if she'll be able to handle it if he's depressed again and it's as bad or worse than last time.
He starts undressing before he even reaches the bathroom so that he can take a shower. The water is too hot, but he doesn't mind. He's in and out within ten minutes and heads to the bedroom to get dressed, putting on only a pair of boxers before he slips into bed, uncaring about the pillow getting wet from his hair.
He doesn't lie down right away, scrolling through his phone as he takes sips from the bottle he'd brought up with him, working towards a buzz at the very least.
It takes him a while to fall asleep after he drinks the last little bit, his thoughts too loud in the mostly dark room and his face feeling all warm and flushed, his body feeling too hot. But when he does finally doze off, it's almost like a wave of ease takes over, drowning out everything else in his head. He doesn't even stir when Suzy comes to bed a short while later. He just sleeps.
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