After wrenching Koa away from Ivy, his hands grasping at the air, I set him down carefully on the floor and handed him a bottle. He swatted it away and made for Ivy again. 

Turns out babies love cats.

The knock on the door was my saving grace and Mum answered it, letting in Koa's father. Snatched away from Ivy's wrath, Koa stuffed his mouth with his favourite blanket and let his father take him to the car. Mum waved them off and sighed closing the door. My bones ached as I stood up from the floor. "Well. Time to make dinner."

**********

"When should I expect him back? Should I be looking for letters? Should I have given him my phone number? They're coming back to Australia in a few months to finish the tour, should I buy a ticket? Even if I did he wouldn't see me from the stage. And right now I can't afford a backstage pass. Should I-"

"You're worrying for nothing, Hannah," Maude said over the phone. "Just as soon as you've forgotten about him, he'll send you twenty letters to sweep you off your feet. And I'll bet he'll propose in one of those letters." I could almost hear her cheeky little smile. 

I rolled my eyes. "Sure. He'll propose to me and we'll live happily ever after, right?" I played with the phone cord. "What would I tell my family? No matter what they say about him I'll always love him. But....I'm not sure I even want to get married." I blinked back tears. "And if I did....I'm not sure I'd want my family to come...."

"Ouch," Maude said. "I know where you're coming from....I'm sure if you explained that to Angus he'd understand."

"Understand?" I almost laughed. "He probably has the greatest family ever. He'd never consider not inviting them to the happiest day of his life."

"I meant understanding about not wanting to get married."

My heart cracked a little. How could I possibly refuse him if he asked? The man I loved, the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with....

My hesitation had nothing to do with commitment. But a wedding? Wearing an itchy, impractical dress costing a thousand dollars just for one day? Angus taking my garter off with his teeth only to throw it to a pack of ravenous groomsmen? In front of my parents? Sweating bullets as every eye in the church watched me walk down the aisle and recite vows? Having to greet all the guests? I had a huge family and I was sure Angus did too. I wasn't nice enough for that. Painkillers and Dramamine getting me through the day, feeling like a zombie by the end of it. Angus probably expecting us to make love that night, feeling dejected if I declined. I enjoyed being with him, and of course I'd do it again. But some people desired it more often than others and....I wasn't one of those people. Not to mention I'd be so tired after the wedding....Angus deserved better than to deal with me. 

How pathetic. He hadn't even asked me and I'm dreaming up wild scenarios. 

"He won't ask," I said shaking my head of any crazy possibilities. "I still want to make this work, I want to take this slow." I let out a long sigh. "I want a real relationship with him. One that lasts a long time before we decide to get married. If he decides he still wants me."

"You want to fall deeper in love with him?" Maude teased. 

"Yes."

"You want to know everything about him? Know his every craving and desire?"

I tore my dressing gown off as my whole body heated up. "W-well...yes, yes I do...."

"Support him while he supports you? Be his best friend? Make him happy?"

I almost swooned. "Yes, I do," I said. 

Maude broke out into maniacal laughter. "And I'll be your maid of honor! Mwahahahahahah!"

I laughed. "Yes, of course you will be. And I'll take you dress shopping for the both of us." My smile vanished. "But that's not happening any time soon, if at all. So don't start cancelling any plans." Despite my pessimism I couldn't help but want so badly to go wedding dress shopping with Maude. Picking out the most beautiful black dress in the world....my dress will be black, you know, I look ghastly in white. Looking at tiny wedding cakes and rings with tiny diamonds... Oh, hell, I trusted Angus with that.

I could have slapped myself in the face.

Get over yourself, Hannah, he's not asking you!

"Did....you die?" Maude asked breaking me from my thoughts.

"No, I'm still here."

"Good. I'm sorry to cut our call short but I've got to go. I'll ring you up later. And Hanny?"

"Yeah?"

"He loves you. You'd have to be daft to not see that." I blushed. "And I love you too! Goodnight!"

"Goodni-" She hung up before I could respond. I hung up the phone and scurried off to my room, jumping over the kitten pile. 

**********

"Hannah! It's for you!"

I opened my eyes, my bedroom dark from the clouds and rain outside. Grabbing my blanket and wrapping it around myself I stumbled into the kitchen to see Mum holding out the phone. I grabbed it and put it to my ear expecting my Maudie. "Maude?"

"Not quite," a man's voice answered. My eyes widened. 

"Ang?" I murmured. He laughed a little. 

"Yeah," he sighed. "It's me."

"How did you....how did you get my number?"

"Listen, love....can we talk?" I glanced at Mum who was frying an egg. She didn't appear to be listening but I didn't want to take that chance. What I wouldn't give to be able to talk to him in person! 

I couldn't believe it! He called me!

"Uh...sure." He cleared his throat a few times. 

"Uh...well.....it's like this, see? I've been meanin' to tell you....I thought it were right that I told you....an' I know it'd be better in person, ya' know? But I don't think it can wait..." My heart pounded and my palms were wet. I felt my face get hot and my ears were ringing. What could he possibly have to tell me that couldn't wait? He kept stuttering and stumbling over his words. "I jus' wanted to tell you....I love you."

I could have turned a cartwheel. I could have swam the Atlantic ocean to England, could have ran and jumped into his arms. Could have kissed him right there in front of anyone who might be watching. Smiling from ear to ear, I opened my mouth to answer. 

"I love you, but..." I stopped, my mouth open in suspense. "I'm not in love with you. At least, not anymore."

And just like that my heart shattered. A strange sort of calm chaos buzzed inside of me. Like trying to process something you didn't want to hear. Sorting it all out and doing your best to keep it together. 

Before completely falling apart.

"...what?" He sighed.

"I'm sorry, love, I jus'.... See, it's been a long tour, ya' know? An' we meet a lot of people an'....listen, it's not that you're not wonderful. You are. But....a friend of mine introduced me to someone an'...." Tears stung my eyes hard. "I'm real sorry, love...."

I choked on my words. What could I possibly say to that? "O-oh....I....I see..."

"You okay?"

No, I fucking wasn't okay. I swallowed back the lump in my throat. "I'm fine. Everything's fine. Fine...." Mum kept her back to me, still frying that egg. Thunder roared in the distance. 

"I jus' wanted to tell ya'...now, ya' know? Instead of waitin'....I couldn't have you go who knows how long without knowin' the truth....ya' know?"

"Y-yeah....I know...." I grabbed at my chest, a deep ache threatening to tear me in two. 

"So....I guess this is goodbye...."

Tears fell freely now. "Yeah...."

"Goodbye, love. I'm sorry."

Someone put the phone back on the hook. Someone trembled where they stood, hot tears flowing down their face. Someone sank to the floor while their mum called their name, asking what happened. 

It had to be someone else, because I was far away.