"But, Maude, the bookstore doesn't even open until ten," I said clutching the stitch in my side. Maude grabbed my arm and hauled me along, Brett lightly jogging behind us. His held his silk scarf tightly in place. 

"Ten or not, I'm getting there early before all the good books get taken," Maude said. "And it closes at ten so I might just be there all day!" I sighed.

Maude had the brilliant idea of visiting the bookstore we saw on our night on the town. Brett was feeling well enough for some fresh air and Maude wanted to get my mind off things.

'Things' being the imminent parting between me and my Angus.

I spent the entire day yesterday crying in my room. Hardly eating and only coming out for a hot shower. Absolutely pathetic. But a necessary step to moving forward, if you ask me. I assured her I was much better today and despite the fact that I only held Ang's jumper up to my nose one fucking time to remember his scent, she scooped me up and out the door. 

Letting me go Maude ran to the shop and plastered her face against the glass. Huffing and puffing I joined her, both of us leaving nose prints on the window. 

There were even more books than before. All of them glorious. 

"Oh, mama...." Maude whispered leaving a circle of fog. I marvelled at the leather bound books in the back of the shop. Brett stood behind us putting his hands in his coat pockets. Bit chillier today than the past week. 

"What's our budget?" I asked Maude. 

"What budget?" she asked sounding a little distracted. 

A man in glasses and a cap on his head came to the window. He jumped a bit when he saw our big, fat smiles staring back at him. He winced in disgust when we gave him flirty little waves. Carefully he turned the "CLOSED" sign to "OPEN" and hurried away from us. Poor Brett almost got knocked over as we busted into the store.

"Grab everything you can!" Maude shouted. "Leave no book unread!"

"Hey, hey, this ain't no robbery, is it?" The man in glasses asked, looking ready to ban us from the shop. Maude turned to face him with a steely look. 

"No, sir, even worse. This is a shopping spree."

He didn't talk to us after that.

One by one we pulled books from their shelves, inspecting covers. Brett moved at his own pace, carefully examining titles and reading excerpts. Under normal circumstances Maude and I would do the same and take our time. But one of us had two cups of English Brekkie this morning and the other was getting over a broken heart. 

So you can understand our insanity. 

A few other customers came in, unfortunately picking today the day to visit. We weaved our way around them but not without stirring a breeze. Maude seemed hellbent on buying every book she touched but I was on a different mission. The Women's Room had to be around here somewhere. 

Brett had found a nice nook in a corner of the shop to read his pick. I kept sniffing around for my book and Maude already had four books under each arm. Large ones. 

"Any luck?" she asked setting her books in a pile next to Brett. "I've already taken the best ones, these other guys will have to try a different shop." She laughed fiendishly to herself. 

"They've hidden The Women's Room. I can't find it anywhere," I said, dizzy from scanning shelves. "One minute it's on display and the next, gone."

"Maybe someone bought it," Maude suggested trying to balance the book pile. "It's a terrific book, you know."

"Well now I'll never know because it's not here." I stamped my foot and crossed my arms like a spoiled child. Something within me ignited a spark. I refused to give up. "They have to have more than one copy around here somewhere," I said looking around. 

"You could ask for help." Our eyes landed on the man with the cap and glasses. When he saw us he put serious distance between us, almost knocking a customer down. "Maybe not..."

"I'll find it," I said. "If I have to turn this place upside down, I'll find it." Maude pointed at something behind me.

"Don't let him hear you say that." I turned around to see the man again getting scolded at by the woman he almost took out. "She's a beast," Maude snickered. 

Diving once again into the murky shop waters I slowed down my approach and took my time on each shelf. There were plenty of books by Charles Dickens but I already had a lot of those. Some on Greek philosophy but I got enough of that in University. There were a couple magazines too. I almost skipped them until I noticed one of them had a familiar band on the cover. It was an older magazine given that Mark was on the cover instead of Cliff. But staring back at me was Angus McKinnon sporting the most beautiful head of helmet hair and missing teeth I'd ever seen.

He was gorgeous.

Snapping myself out of my trance I tucked the magazine back on its shelf. Some teenage girl could pick it up if she wanted, I had the real thing.

For now.

Find The Fucking Women's Room!

Right. I began my search on the next shelf, starting to wish these books were in alphabetical order. Names the likes of Alice Walker, Leon Forrest, and John Steinbeck graced the shelves but they weren't quite who I was looking for. 

I still had eleven and a half hours. I had time.

Children hung on their mothers' sleeves and some sneaked away to climb on the shelves. By the looks of things it would seem Maude and I had started a riot. The man running the shop had his hands full making sales and giving directions. I couldn't ask for help if I wanted to. Thankfully as luck would have it, the next shelf I scanned took pity on me and I finally found four copies of The Women's Room, two in pristine condition. The other two were yellow and used, but at a lower price. I grabbed the better looking of the used copies and rushed to find Maude to make our purchases. 

"Good, you found it!" Maude said carrying an extra three books. "I found some things on gardening and crafting. This should keep me busy on the plane back home."

Brett returned his book to the shelf and he motioned to Maude that he was going to wait outside for us. The line was exceptionally long and I wondered if perhaps there was a sale going on or something. Slowly we progressed to the front, the tiny shop airing out from departing customers. Waiting in line drove me nuts so I shifted my weight from foot to foot. 

"I can't wait to read these," Maude said hidden behind her tower. "I can feel myself getting even smarter..."

"You're already brilliant," I said feeling self conscious of my one measly book. "You probably already know that stuff."

"Oh, hush," she said. 

We finally made it to the front and I let Maude go first so she could get a bag to hold her books in. After she left to the man's delight, he sold me my book and wished us a good day in a snarky tone.

He wasn't pleased to see us again that afternoon.

**********

After browsing the shop several more times over the course of the day, with or without Brett, the owner of the shop finally got rid of us at ten that night, looking quite ready to ban us from the city. With how many books he sold to Maude, I was shocked he didn't want us to come back. 

Maude spread her books out on the floor and lay on top of them, making a carpet angel. I would have done the same but I had to make a call home. As it was nighttime here I counted on the hour being a bit more agreeable for Mum. She finally picked up and sounded a lot clearer and more  awake. "Hi, Mum."

"Hello, Hannah," she said. "Been awhile since we heard from you."

"I know," I mumbled. Maude lay quietly on the floor and Brett was sitting patiently on the couch watching his love decorate herself in books. "How is everyone?"

"Well...." Mum sounded nervous but also excited over the phone. "We're all fine. The kittens are fine..."

Kittens?

"What kittens?" I asked suspiciously. Maude and Brett's attention turned to me. 

"We....went out and bought kittens while you were gone," she said. "Two of them."

"Two??"

"Yeah, their names are Ivy and Magnolia, they're sisters." I stood there in shock, not knowing how to respond. Mum sounded so excited on the phone. I couldn't possibly ruin that for her but....

A few years ago I came to the realisation that I'm not mentally or physically well enough to care for a pet. With three babies and my dog sitting job, I was booked on responsibility. I couldn't give a pet the life and love it deserved. A kitten would bring in extra work, but two kittens?

"That's a lot of work," I said, choosing my words carefully. I knew how much Mum loved cats and how she always had one in the house growing up. "Are you sure that's what's best for us?"

"If you saw how cute they were, you wouldn't care how much work they are," she said. I could hear a faint purring on the other end of the phone. 

"You can't let cuteness decide for you," I said. 

"Since when did you become an animal hater?" she asked. "You used to love animals, now you're anti animal these days."

I gripped the phone in my hand. "I don't hate animals," I said as calmly as I could. 

"You're sure acting like it," Mum snapped. 

"Animals are a lot of work--"

"But, Hannah, they're so cute!"

I sighed. "Maybe so but--"

"You really do hate animals," she accused. "I got these kittens for us to have a companion and you don't like them, you haven't even met them." I heard other human voices in the background. Mum's voice sounded faint. "She says she doesn't want them," I heard her mutter. 

"I never said that!"

"She says they're a lot of work," Mum explained to the rising voices in the background. "She barely has to do anything, she barely does anything around here anyway."

Tears sprang to my eyes.

"You brother wants to know why you hate animals," Mum asked me. "We all do."

Trembling with anger and hurt I slammed the phone down. Just hung up. I could feel Maude and Brett's eyes staring at me. "Hanny?" Maude asked timidly. "Is something wrong?"

Without a word I left the room and slammed my bedroom door behind me. Tears had already cascaded down my cheeks and my hands shook. How could they possibly think I hated animals? 

Who picked my unconscious dog up from the floor after his seizure?

Who held him up when he used the bathroom so he wouldn't fall in his own shit?

Who cleaned him up after he did fall in it?

Who put ointment on his wound after finding rings of blood scattered on the living room floor?

How could they possibly accuse me of hating animals? 

My memories turned sour. Every time I let my dog down or almost lost him came back to me. It got worse in his old age, the near death experiences. He wasn't even my first dog; I had three others. One was diagnosed with a neurological disorder and died. Two were sold to someone else. Sold after my parents couldn't keep them anymore. Didn't want them. 

I'm just as devastated now as I was then when it happened. 

My last dog had died a few years ago, suffering from every ailment known to man. Arthritis, dementia, deafness, blindness....losing him was too much to bear, the final straw. Ever since I became an adult my own health took a toll for the worse. Pets were too much for me to handle and I made the choice not to have any. I just knew I'd end up helping more than I promised, the work being more than I bargained for. I knew Mum would hand them off to me or even sell them if she didn't want them anymore. 

My heart wasn't in it. I couldn't take that again. 

I love animals. But time and time again I've let them down. I've lost them. My words of explanation lost in my family's accusations. 

You can't let the cuteness decide for you.