What should I say to him?

What should we do?

Does my breath stink?

....do I stink?

"You're gonna put a rut in the floor going on like that," Maude said putting her earrings on. Neither one of us brought up the night before and I refused to be the first. I did bring up my little talk with Phil at the store. Both of us hoped he was okay and not too under the weather.I smoothed out my new slinky black dress with the long sleeves. I was right, my boots did look smashing with it. "Where's he meeting you?"

"I told him our room number and hotel," I said pacing again. "I don't know where we're going or what he has planned....should I wear a necklace?" 

"Absolutely, a gold one," Maude said fluffing her curled hair. Brett invited her to an art show downtown and she was thrilled. The rain finally stopped giving us a chance to enjoy a fair day out with our men. I ran to my room to fetch my gold necklace and came back to see Maude with a look of concern. 

"What's wrong?"

"I don't rightly know if it's my place to say anything," she started. "But I just want to be sure you understand."

She was starting to scare me. "Understand what?"

Her hands wrung together and she bit her lip. "I know how you are....I know your...apprehension...." My brow furrowed. "And I know you really like him...."

"What are you talking about?" I asked. 

She sighed and crossed her arms. "If he takes you back to his place...." she said. "or you end up back here...." My face heated up. "I just want you to know you don't have to....you know," she mumbled. 

"Why would we do that?" I asked, keeping my voice low. Come on, Hannah Ruth, you know perfectly well why you'd do that.

"You have to decide for yourself if you're ready or not," she said. "And I know you already know that but...." She placed her hands on my shoulders. "Please please don't ever feel pressured to do something you're not ready for." I looked down at the floor. Of course I really liked Angus, more than I've ever liked anyone. But...we just got back together after being apart for months, would we really jump the gun so quick? That kiss at the studio, though....I didn't know the relations Angus had with women in the past but surely something must have happened between them. He'd probably expect the same from me. Maude was right about my apprehension. Intimacy was something I left for the world to taste. Something about it was too much for me, too close for my comfort. 

And what if that bothered him?

"I know you really like him," Maude repeated with my gaze still glued to the floor. "But remember you don't ever have to do something you don't want to. Even if they ask." My eyes finally met hers. 

"You think he'll want to?"

She shrugged. "I haven't the faintest. And who knows, maybe it's still too soon for both of you but...." Her eyes stared at the spot mine once did. They had a faraway look to them. "Brett and I....have never done that....." she said. "We've never...." I didn't make her finish.

"Really?" I asked surprised. I had always assumed....but then, perhaps we shouldn't assume in these matters.

She shook her head. "I'm not comfortable with....certain things," she admitted. "I told this to Brett and like a sweetheart," she faintly laughed "he understood perfectly. And we're happy doing our own thing and fuck whatever the world thinks." A light smile took over her face. "Don't let anyone force you into something you're not ready for. If they're decent they'll respect that."

I smiled and placed my right arm on her left hand, still sitting on my shoulder. She embraced me tightly then let go to return to her spot by the mirror. 

"I'll want to hear all about your night when I get back," she said pointing a manicured finger at me. "Every last disgusting detail."

I saluted her. "You got it, Captain."

Checking herself one last time, Maude suddenly sprang for her bedroom. "Shit, forgot perfume!" I made my way to the couch and almost sat down when I heard a knock at the door. Brett was coming to pick Maude up so I answered for her. But rather than a tall lanky man I was greeted by a short skinny man in a denim jacket. 

"Afternoon, love, I--" I just about tackled him to the ground in a hug, burying my face in his shoulder. He held me in his strong embrace and I heard him laugh. His long hair tickled my cheek and he smelled like Marlboros. 

I strangely liked it. 

He rubbed a hand across my back and kissed my hair. "You smell nice," he said stepping back to look up at me. "You look nice too."

"Thank you," I said. I stood to the side letting him in the room. "I thought you were Maude's boyfriend. He's taking her out today too." 

"Really?" he asked as Maude stepped out of her room. 

"I can't believe I forgot to pack my special rubies perfume bottle--" Maude said before she saw our newest company. "Oh! Hello, Angus."

"My dear," he said giving her hand a shake. Maude blushed like a fire engine. Her inspiration to pick up guitar just shook her fucking hand. She didn't seem this way at the studio but she was good at keeping her cool. But now, without a crowd milling around....

I led Angus over to the couch and we sat down. Maude grabbed her purse off the table. "So, have any plans for my Hanny?" she asked. Angus looked at me. 

"Uh....well, ya' know....food, sight seein', maybe....ya' know?" he said. 

"Sounds very exciting."

"Hope so, don't wanna let my girl down, ya' know?" Now who's the fire engine? I took his hand in mine and played with the ring on his finger. Despite years of playing guitar his hands were still very soft with few callouses. Soon after there was another knock at the door and Maude went to answer it.

"Bretty!" she yelled jumping up and pulling him down for a hug. 

"Nice to see you, my love," he said almost gasping for air. Angus and I waved goodbye as they left for the art show. Angus nodded his head toward the door. 

"That her boyfriend?" I nodded. He grinned. "I can see why you'd mistake me for him."

**********

After chatting for a bit at the hotel room Angus and I decided to go for a walk in the park. Get outside for a bit of fresh air and sunshine. We found a cute little place with a duck pond and ash trees and started there. A cool breeze whispered by every few minutes and I was glad I grabbed my leather jacket on the way out. Angus swung our clasped hands back and forth with his other in his pocket. "Glad we got a day off," he said. "Glad it's nice out."

"Me too," I said shyly. I was never good at making conversation. Angus didn't seem to mind, though. You can hear the birds sing better when you're quiet. A few ducks swam around on their pond dipping their heads under the water only to instantly come back up. Angus and I watched for a minute when two ducks collided into each other and began an argument consisting of vicious swearing disguised by noisy quacks. "You think they'll fight?"

"Well, it is springtime...." Angus said as the ducks started circling each other. "My money's on the fat one." The fat one in question had a steely look in his black eyes as he stared down his smaller companion. Their quacking had died down to raspy mutters. "They sound like they've been smokin'." Angus pulled out a packet of cigarettes and lit one. "You guys shouldn't be doin' that, it's bad for you."

With a magnificent flapping of his wings the larger of the two snapped his bill down on the smaller one's feathers resulting in a wheel of ducks spinning across the pond. I couldn't believe it, a nature show in the flesh! We stood back a bit in case it got serious and found a bench to sit on to watch. A couple of passing children also stopped to watch the fight. 

Angus smiled. "Reminds me of myself an' Mal in school," he said. "Or Mal an'....anybody, really. Even got a crowd gatherin'."

"Did you win?" Angus sat quiet for a second. 

"Mal's pretty tough, let's leave it at that."

I see.

The ducks starting biting each other's bills when a pair of lady ducks swam over. After a few rounds of pointless chest bumping the ducks called a truce and swam away with their girlfriends. "Come on," Angus said taking my hand and helping me stand up. "Show's over, I guess."

**********

"You don't say...."

"You should see her art sometime," I said taking a hot chip from the tray. Angus and I decided to get some chips and chocolate milkshakes like we used to. England has some pretty good chips but my favourite will always be Oz. Angus couldn't get enough of them and his milkshake was already gone. "Maude's one of the best I've seen."

Angus used up his third napkin wiping his hands and appeared to be finished. "Does she have her own art shows in New Zealand?"

"Not yet," I said. "She's sold quite a few things but she hasn't displayed any. I know she would like to." I finished half my milkshake and decided that was enough. "I hope she does."

"Me too. Ya' know, I wouldn't mind displayin' my stuff," he said putting money on the counter. "But I can try that later, I wanna play guitar first."

"How's the album coming?"

Angus sighed. "It's comin', alright," he said. "Our new producer is good at his job, ya' know? Scary good. But it's been nonstop work since February an' I haven't sat down in weeks." He glanced at the rest of my milkshake and I laughed. 

"Want the rest?"

"Ya' sure?"

"Take it," I said handing it to him. He didn't leave a drop behind when he set the glass down. 

"Thanks, love." He grabbed the napkin again and wiped his mouth. "Haven't eaten in weeks either, ya' see. Management is tighter than a drum these days an' we have to beg for food." He grinned cheekily. 

"Maybe you're almost done," I said. "Then you'll go on tour." I did my best to sound optimistic despite knowing we'd have to say goodbye again. Angus must have sensed this because his smile disappeared.

"You're not comin', are you?" I shook my head. "I thought not. I mean, you're always welcome to...as my guest, ya' know? But...I know how difficult the last one was...." He sighed and folded his hands over his lap. "I don't blame you, sweetheart."

I was just getting used to being in England, going on tour meant changing locations every couple of days and I couldn't put myself through that again. My respect for these men went up tremendously. They did put themselves through it. Every year. Months at a time. Had Angus and I's relationship been official I would want so badly to go with him and show my support. 

But I couldn't.

Maybe we should change the subject. I racked my brain for something, anything, when I remembered my run in with Phil. "I saw Phil yesterday," I said getting Ang's attention. 

"Did ya'?" he asked. "Was he talkin' shit about us or somethin'?" he joked.

"No, he said he was getting lunch for you guys," I said. "After you begged for it." Angus laughed. "I saw him at the store." I decided not to mention his sickly appearance. Angus saw him every day, after all.

"Oh. Oh yeah, I think he did mention briefly that he saw you when he came back to the studio," Angus said. He looked at me sheepishly. "I was only sorta half payin' attention, ya' know...workin', ya' know, haven't slept in weeks."

I laughed. "Haven't showered in weeks either, I presume?"

"Nope," he said sniffing his denim jacket then airing it out. "Nothin' but rain an' our tears."

He grabbed me and pulled me in for a tight hug. "Gross, let me go!" I laughed.

"Don't act like you don't love it," he said pulling me onto his lap. 

Well....he wasn't wrong....

But I fought to get away anyway. We had already paid for our food so I broke free and ran out the diner doors and down the street. I heard the doors open behind me and I made for the record store a few metres away but that man is fast. He had me in his iron grip, both of us laughing and panting from the excitement. We got a bit of attention from passers by but we ignored them. My feet ached from the short run and I wondered why I thought I could have sprinted in my boots. Angus wrapped an arm around me and we walked down the street much slower this time. "Sorry, 'bout that, love," he said. "Bit of a sugar rush there."

**********

We ended up walking the entire afternoon around the city. We saw Big Ben but it was too early for him to ring so went on. The sun started going down around eight or so and Angus decided it was best we got back to the hotel. He saw me up to my room but didn't come in. 

"This the end of the road?" he asked standing in the hall. It was a bit crowded as lots of people and families were returning to their rooms after a long day out. I didn't really want our night to end yet...surely Maude wouldn't mind?

"You can come in, if you want," I said standing aside. He smiled shyly and accepted my offer. I took my jacket off and set it down on the couch along with my boots. The room was quiet and Maude's door was open. "I guess they're not back yet." Angus sat down on the couch and crossed one leg over the other. 

I mean....I guess I can sit next to him....I guess we can cuddle....

I took a spot next to him and leaned on him in exhaustion. He was very warm and I wondered if I might fall asleep where I was. 

Then I remembered my manners.

"Did you...want something to drink?" I asked sitting up straight. He pursed his lips in thought. 

"Well, if you're out of vodka an' gin I'll have a cup of tea instead," he grinned. Giving him a kiss on the cheek I left for the kitchen to make two cups of earl grey tea. I brought them back and handed him one. "Thanks, love. Might regret this later when we're both up in the middle of the night, but..." He shrugged and took a long sip. "Can't be bothered."

"We'll be feeling this tomorrow," I said taking a drink. "Hopefully the boss lets you use the bathroom during work."

"Yeah, didn't think about that...well, we have some potted plants around the place. They could use a drink, ya' know?" I almost choked on my tea. "Think Bon might have beaten me to it, though, last week on a rather busy day. His crabs are gone, did I tell ya'?"

I smiled in a disgusted way. "I was hoping to forget about that."

Angus laughed. "Sorry, love. Thought I should let you know." We were silent for a while. "Boy that was a rough time..."

"Angus, please, I'm drinking!"

He held his hands up. "Hey, it is what it is, ya' know? You don't abandon your mates in a crab crisis, we were all there sufferin' with him...." Angus started giggling then the giggles turned into a cackle. "The poor fuckin' guy...." He couldn't finish his thought with his laughing fit. I started laughing with him, I couldn't help it. "He was so...he was so pissed the entire time....." Angus covered his face with his hands. "He was so crabby...."

I had to laugh at the silly joke, especially if it tickled Angus so much. The man looked ready to pass out from laughing. After quieting down he pulled his hands away and wiped away any stray tears. "You alright?" I asked.

"Yeah, yeah," he said coughing a bit. "Sorry about that." His cute face had the biggest and the goofiest smile on it. Gulping more tea he set his mug down and leaned back on the couch. I returned my head to its place on his shoulder and resumed our peaceful silence. The only noises were voices in the hallway and some footsteps leading to doors opening and closing. One luggage trolley and a couple of running children. Then nothing.

Angus' chest moved slowly up and down as he breathed. His heart beat and he hummed to himself. My body relaxed into his and I couldn't remember a time feeling so tranquil. Soft lips pressed gently against my temple and I sighed. He kissed my cheek a few times before turning his attention my lips. Time healed the cut on his lip and they were as beautiful as ever. My arms instinctively wrapped themselves around his neck while his hands rested carefully on my back. Once again I got a bit tangled up in his hair.

Couldn't help myself.

My heart swelled with emotion and it spread throughout my entire body. This man was so important to me and I wanted nothing more than his happiness. He deserved the world and so much more. Distance couldn't separate us nor time and I wouldn't let them try. His lips found their way to my jawline and eventually my neck. I tilted my head slightly, letting him show his  affection. He wouldn't hurt me.

He wouldn't ever hurt me. 

My lips met his again and I held him against me as close as I could. One of his hands left my back and rested on my leg. His skin was warm and it burned in a good way when he touched me. My right hand gently brushed his hair away from his face and I stroked his cheek with my thumb. A small moan rumbled within him. I could feel his passion and life through my fingers as I placed my hand against his chest. 

His own hand snaked further up my leg. The fabric of my dress melted away to make room for his touch. Gentle and patient were his movements, harmless were his intentions. I let him slide his hand up further and further when suddenly my mind began to race.

Was this what I wanted?

Maybe.

Was this the proper time?

Define "proper". 

Was I one hundred percent ready to commit to this?

I carefully broke away from the kiss.

"Angus..." I said panting. He opened his eyes and stared at me with concern. They were darker than they were ten minutes ago. 

"What's wrong?" he asked. Immediately he moved his hand out from under my dress and rested it on my knee. "You alright?"

His heart was beating frantically under my hand. I finally met his gaze. "I just....I forgot to tell you about Maude's gig...next week," I said. He tilted his head. "On Friday, she's playing at a bar." I couldn't seem to catch my breath. "She invited me and I wanted...to invite...you."

Blues and greens returned to his eyes and his heart relaxed a bit. "Yeah?" he said brushing a strand of hair behind my ear. "She doesn't mind?"

"No," I said. "I think she'd like it if you came." I managed a smile. Angus seemed unsure. 

"Friday evenin', or night, or..."

"Evening. I don't know the details yet, but Brett booked her a spot playing at a bar and...." I waited for Angus to say something.

"I dunno....I've....sort of got somethin' on Friday...."

"Oh...that's okay, she'll understand--"

"Well, I might be able to make it," he said almost to himself. "If I can...leave early enough...." He sighed lost in thought. I didn't press him for more information but curiosity almost got the better of me. "Maybe. Maybe, alright?" 

Maude would be thrilled to know her idol might be there to watch her play live music. I hoped it wouldn't make her nerves worse. Her mood already seemed spoiled by the audience. But Angus knew all about playing music you wanted to play despite what anyone thought of you. Maybe his encouragement would help. In a moment of hope I pulled him in for a hug. His hand left my leg completely and settled in my hair. "Thanks," I mumbled into the crook of his neck. 

"Course, love." I wanted to kiss him but I didn't in case things escalated. I'd wait just a little bit longer if I could. 

Probably good we didn't start kissing as right at that moment a key rattled outside the door and it opened. There in the dark stood a man with red lipstick on his cheek and a figure slumped over his shoulder. "Oh, hello," Brett said as he saw us. He closed the door and carefully set Maude down on the floor and caught her when she almost collapsed. "Don't mind us, we had a bit of wine at the show."

"Best wine I've ever had," Maude giggled. Her cheeks were glowing. I could tell she was about to fall asleep any moment. It had been a long day for all of us. "Brett didn't let me bring a bottle back with me so I'm afraid there isn't any to share."

"That's alright," Angus said smiling. "I think Hannah an' I are set on the beverages." I glanced down at our mugs of tea on the little table, abandoned and cold. "You two have fun?"

"Best show I've ever seen," Maude said. "Real da Vinci and none of that poser shit." She gently pushed herself out of Brett's arms and stumbled towards her bedroom. "I need to get these clothes off, I'm burning up..."

"We took a cab back," Brett explained. "To be honest I'm a bit off myself. The wine was truly fantastic."

"Best wine I've ever had," Maude's voice trailed down the hall. "My Bretty really knows how to pick 'em."

"Are you alright here, love?" Brett called. "Or should I stay?"

"I'm sensational!" she answered. "And you're sensational! Best boyfriend I've ever had!"

Brett laughed to himself. "She'll be alright with you, Hannah. I trust you had a nice night?" Angus and I nodded, blushing from realising how tangled up we were in each other. "Then I'm off. Need a hot bath and some food. Ahh..." He pressed a hand to his forehead. "And some water. I'll see you sometime."

"Bye, Brett," I called after him as he left. Angus and I were left to stare at each other. Now suddenly didn't seem like the proper time. 

"Well...I suppose I should be off too..." I didn't want him to go. I wanted him to stay with me and hold me in his arms. But he had work tomorrow and I couldn't keep him from it. Regrettably we stood up from the couch and ended our embrace. I saw him to the door and got a better look at his disheveled appearance in the hallway light. His shirt was tousled and his hair was a mess. But he looked like the happiest man alive. "I'll see you as soon as I can," he said holding my hand in his. "An' I'll see about Friday. If I can't make it I'll call or somethin'."

"Sounds good," I said. 

We stood there a moment holding hands. Neither one of us were ready for the night to end. I was the first to let go and gave him one last kiss on his bottom lip where the cut had been. 

"Goodnight," I smiled.

"Goodnight, sweetheart."

And I closed the door.

My face felt flushed. I may as well have been drinking wine with Maude for how giddy I felt. Giving a little twirl across the living room rug I went towards Maude's room and knocked on the door. She was lying face down on the bed, her shoes having fallen to the floor. Her purse lay beside her. I stole into the kitchen and brought her a glass of water along with two painkillers. There was a blanket on the edge of the bed and I draped it over her and planted a small kiss on her head. "Hanny?" she muttered.

"Yeah?"

"Best friend I've ever had." I laughed. 

"Goodnight, Maudie."