CHAPTER NINE.
a love that never was

( tw! contains mentions of attempted suicide )

     VIENNA WINDSOR, quite frankly, did not know what to expect when she walked into the large house belonging to the men who lived there.

From how Joel and Ezra described it, it was just them keeping the town safe and secluded from the rest of the world. Bill wasn't the type to keep the place tidy, but Frank was, which begs the question as to why, when they walked in, why was it covered in dust, like the home hadn't been touched in weeks? Why were there rotten food spread across the dining table? And why was it so quiet that you could simply hear a pin drop when there was not one, but two occupants living in what should've been a loving home?

     With all of those questions in mind, Vienna stood by the dining room table with a weary look burning bright in her electric, green eyes. While Joel and Ezra searched for the two men, Vienna and Ellie were left to wonder with a long string of endless possibilities crossing their minds about the whereabouts of the couple. The woman scanned her eyes of her unfamiliar surroundings, watching briefly as Ellie disappeared into the next room, before her gaze travelled back to the decor that surrounded her, pacing quietly around the room in the process.

     Vienna then looked down at the dusty mantelpiece, wiping her finger across to see it was thick with dust, more than she had originally seen with her own two eyes. The woman felt this strange, foreboding feeling bubbling in the pit of her stomach. If what Joel and Ezra had told her about the two men were true, then it was safe to say they were probably long gone. If raiders didn't get them, or the Infected, then surely it was something else. Vienna had done this dance one too many times before to know that something out of the ordinary, especially in a world ravaged by death, meant one thing and one thing only.

Bill and Frank were gone.

The woman's questions and suspicions were soon answered when, from the corner of her eye, she saw Ellie walk back into the room with a letter in one hand and a key in the other. Vienna turned her full attention to the young girl, watching as she took a seat at the dining room table before she opened up the envelope and pulled out a letter. The woman looked down at the envelope torn at the seams that Ellie had placed carelessly onto the table, seeing that the letter was addressed to Joel, or at least, the letter was intended to be found by him.

Vienna then walked over to where Ellie was sitting, hovering over the young girl, only reading a small section of the letter to discovery that her worries were correct, and Bill and Frank were in fact dead. Vienna couldn't help but let out a quiet sigh of exasperation before a sympathetic stare became more evident in her eyes when Joel and Ezra joined them both in the room once again. Both of them glanced between Vienna, Ellie and the letter in the girl's hand, saying nothing while they waited for one of them to say something, to confirm what they all already knew.

"It's from Bill." Ellie informed, lifting her gaze to stare back at Joel and Ezra. "To whomever, but probably Joel. We both figured we fell under whomever." Ellie added, gesturing towards Vienna and herself before she parted her lips to speak once again. "Came with this."

Ellie slides the key she found across the table, allowing Joel to step closer and pick the item up, twiddling the key between his fingers for a moment, swallowing thickly before he spoke the words they all knew. "So they're dead?" He asked in a rhetorical manner.

     Vienna glanced over at Ezra to see him stepping away, and for a moment, she watched as her son felt the pain of losing someone he truly cared about. He was allowing himself to grieve instead bottling his emotions up. The woman couldn't help but sympathise with the boy, an apologetic look plastered across her face. "I'm sorry." She told them, but her eyes remained on her son the entire time.

Neither of them said anything. Instead, Joel just gave Ellie a slight nod, telling her to read the letter. The girl nodded back to him before she lowered her gaze to look down at the letter in her hands. "August 29, 2023. If you find this, please do not come into the bedroom. We left the window open so the house wouldn't smell, but it will probably be a sight. I'm guessing you found this Joel, or Ezra, because anyone else would've been electrocuted or blown up one of my traps...hehehehehe." Ellie paused, awkwardly glancing up at Joel and Ezra while she imitated what sounded like a mischievous roar of laughter.

Ellie was quick to clear her throat before she continued. "Take anything you need. The bunker code is the same as the gate code, but in reverse." The girl paused again, inhaling sharply before she continued to read the letter further. "Anyway, I never liked you, but still, it's like we're friends, almost. And I respect you. So, I'm gonna tell you something because you're probably the only person who will understand." Ellie spoke, lifting her gaze for a brief moment to stare at Joel before she lowered her gaze once again.

"I used to hate the world and I was happy when everyone died. But I was wrong, because there was one person worth saving..." The girl trailed off, the words written in the letter causing for Vienna to lift her gaze to stare over at Joel, who for a quick second, was staring straight back at her. But he was quick to tear his eyes away from the woman the second she caught his gaze. Vienna quickly shrugged off the moment while Ellie continued to read the letter.

"That's what I did. I saved him. Then I protected him. That's why men like you and me are here. We have a job to do, and God help any motherfuckers who stand in our way." Ellie paused again, rolling back her shoulders while she let out a quiet sigh. "I leave you all of my weapons and equipment. Use them to keep—"

Ellie was quick to cut herself off, swallowing thickly for a moment while she stared at Joel and Ezra with a pair of sad eyes. Vienna furrowed her brows for a moment before she gently took the letter from Ellie and into her own hands, reading until she found where the girl had previously stopped. Inhaling sharply, Vienna parted her lips to speak. "Use them to keep Tess safe." She informed, her voice shaky.

All of a sudden, Vienna looked up from the letter to see Ezra had stormed out of the room, and out of the house altogether. This caused for the woman to walk around the table, handing Joel the letter before she chased after Ezra down the vacant street. When she finally managed to catch up to him, the boy was sitting down on the pavement with his head in his hands, muffled cries echoing harrowingly through the warm air. The sound of her son's cries were almost heartbreaking for Vienna to hear, wishing there was something she could do or say to stop his pain. Despite how he's treated her the last couple of days, he was still her son, and in this very moment, whether he would admit it or not, he needed her.

The woman didn't even hesitate to take a seat beside her son on the edge of the pavement, a quiet sigh leaving her lips. "I know I'm the last person you want to talk to. We don't even have to talk, but I still want to be here for you. So, if you want to get it out, then okay, but if not, we can sit in silence. No matter what though, I'm not going to abandon you with your grief—"

"I was sixteen." Ezra interjected, cutting his mother off.

This caused for Vienna to glance back at her son, watching as he lifted his gaze to lock his teary eyes with her own. "What?" She inquired, sounding almost confused.

Ezra hesitated at first, clearing his throat for a moment before he swallowed thickly. "I was sixteen when I took someone's life. And I'm not talking about the Infected. I'm talking about someone who was living. I didn't have a choice. I was outside of the wall for the first time since I came to the QZ. I was searching for supplies that Joel, Tess and I could smuggle, make a decent trade with. On my way back I was caught by a group of raiders. They pinned me down, beat me, and when one of them wasn't looking, I fired my gun and killed him. Then I ran and I didn't stop until I was back behind the walls of the QZ."

Vienna listened as her son continued to speak, her eyes softening at the thought of him having to defend himself when he himself was still a child. She wished she could've been there to protect him. "You did what you had to do." She reassured him.

"Yeah, Joel and Tess said the exact same thing." Ezra laughed bitterly, shaking his head. "But I couldn't stop thinking about him. I know it was him or me, but what I did almost destroyed me. I couldn't go a second without seeing his face as the life left his eyes. I was broken. And I thought the only way to make it all stop was a bullet to the head." He explained, pausing the second he admitted his past to his mother, telling her all about the darkness that once consumed him.

Vienna didn't say anything. She just allowed her son to continue, watching as he inhaled sharply before he parted his lips to speak again. "I traded with that Robert guy, gave him all of my ration cards for a bottle of whiskey and a gun since I lost my other one. I drowned myself in it before I put the gun to my head and pulled the trigger, but the gun didn't go off. Well, it didn't kill me. The bastard gave me faulty ammo." Ezra laughed again, lowering his gaze to look at the concrete ground while he wiped away the tears that threatened to spill.

     Vienna felt a dull ache erupt in her chest the second she heard those words leave her son's lips, tears of her own welling up in the corners of her eyes, but held them back. She couldn't believe she wasn't there. She should've been there for her son. That's what she kept telling herself; I should've been there to protect him. And in that very moment, Vienna felt as if she had failed her own son, wishing she looked harder for him after he ran away, wishing she didn't do the things that caused for him to leave in the first place.

     "I'm sorry." Vienna told him, her voice barely above a whisper.

     "Don't be." Ezra replied, shaking his head before he diverted his gaze back to her. "It wasn't your fault." And for the first time, Vienna spotted a glimmer of the old Ezra — the one who loved his mother.

     Ezra then shrugged his shoulders. "After that night I kept going, then the next morning I was being dragged to Bill and Frank's for a trade. Everything changed for me that day. Bill was a paranoid freak show, but he cared more than he tend to let on. And Frank...he knew I had gone through something and told me I could come back to just be a kid whenever I needed to. That's exactly what I did. Whenever I felt like I needed a moment to forget about reality, I would come here and just forget. If it wasn't for them I don't think I would've been around long enough for you to find me again." He explained, a ghost of a smile forming across his lips.

Ezra sniffled before he wiped away his tears again. "And now they're gone. Just like Tess. Just like Dad." He whispered, his voice shaky as he dwelled on those who he had lost throughout the last two decades.

Vienna let out a quiet sigh. "From the sounds of it, they died peacefully. They weren't infected. They weren't murdered. They went out on their own terms, together, and in peace. Bill and Frank...they were ready to die when they did. When you lose someone, Ezra, it's going to hurt like hell, but when you realise they weren't in any kind of pain when they died, you'll accept it. You'll grow, and you'll live for them. It'll get easier with time." She reassured him, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"How do you make it look so easy?" Ezra asked her.

Vienna could only laugh. "Trust me, it's anything but easy. I just know how to hide my grief and pain better than others." Ezra nodded his head in response, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

"Look, I'm sorry for how I've treated you these last couple of days." Ezra blurted, pausing for a moment. "I'm just so angry, and I don't know if that's ever going to change. But Tess' dying wish was to make sure Ellie got to the Fireflies. Bill and Frank are gone, which leaves us. So, by the looks of it, we're going to be spending a lot of time together over the next couple of months. I don't think I'll ever forgive, or forget about what happened to dad. But I'm willing to try."

Vienna couldn't help but smile in response to her son's words, a spark igniting in her chest the second she heard him say he was willing to try and forgive her for her wrongdoings in the past. The woman then nodded her head, wiping away a stray tear of her own. "I'd really like that." She replied, removing her hand from his shoulder in the process.

     And for the first time in a long time, Vienna Windsor felt hope for the future. A future involving her son.

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     Vienna Windsor made her way through the house, walking up the stairs and into the room where she could shower. After Joel declared that they would go up to Wyoming to find Tommy and get his help, well, it was up to them to take what they need to prepare for weeks, maybe even months on the road together. When Ellie informed her that Bill and Frank had running water, the entire group jumped at the chance to use the only running shower, and one by one, they did exactly like that, knowing it would be a while until they felt the comforting warmth of a hot shower again.

So, Vienna slowly pushed the door to the bedroom open with a towel in hand, walking around the bed until she stopped outside the bathroom. The woman lifted her hand to curl her fingers around the door handle. However, when she made an attempt to grab it, the door quickly swinged open to reveal Joel Miller on the other side, dressed in clean clothes, his wet hair slicked back. Vienna took a step back in surprise before she rolled back her shoulders, clearing her throat.

     "I'm sorry. I thought you were sorting out the truck." She apologised, avoiding the man's gaze for a moment.

     Joel shook his head. "It's fine. You can head in there now while the kids and I bring the supplies to the truck." He informed her.

     "Thanks." Vienna lifted her gaze, her eyes locking with Joel's while a small smile tugged at the corners of her lips.

     Joel pursed his lips into a thin line before he made an attempt to leave the room and give the woman some privacy. However, Vienna was quick to wrap her hand gently around his bicep, causing for Joel to turn back around to face her, a confused look burning in his brown eyes while he waited for Vienna to speak. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry about Tess, and Bill, and Frank. I know you don't want to talk about it, and I'll respect that. But you cared for all of them one way or another, and I'm sorry that you lost them this way." She explained, sincerity laced in her voice.

     The man was silent at first, and Vienna watched as he lowered his gaze to look down at the ground for a moment, inhaling sharply. At first, Vienna thought Joel would come out with some harsh remark, or not say anything at all. That seemed to be how they spoke to each other these last couple of days. Not with compassion, like most friends shared. But with hate and distain for one another. However, Joel didn't do any of those things. He turned back to Vienna, his eyes softening for a moment while he turned his attention back to her, nodding his head.

     "Thank you." He told her, his voice barely above a whisper.

     Vienna spared the man one last look before she let out a sigh. "Well, I'll be quick, and then we can head over to Wyoming." She elaborated before she turned on her heel and pushed the door close behind her.

     However, when Joel looked up at the door, he saw that it was slightly ajar, revealing Vienna with her back facing him, and he couldn't help but watch as she pulled off her jacket, and then her shirt. Joel knew he should just leave, but the man found himself standing in awe of the woman. There was a moment where he remembered their last exchange before the outbreak, and how much he had craved to feel the way he felt that night all over again; the taste of her lips, the burning electricity of her skin against his, and the hope that they could start a future together the morning after.

     But that was then, and this was now. And Joel Miller wouldn't allow himself to open his heart to possibility of a future with a woman he saw more as a stranger than a friend, or former lover. So, Joel was just as quick to turn away and leave, his desperation to run being stronger than his yearning to stay.

When Vienna later joined the others inside the truck, sitting in the backseat with Ezra while Joel and Ellie remained in the front with Joel sitting at the steering wheel, she noticed the man was avoiding her eye contact, almost like he was trying to distance himself all over again. She wondered if she had said, or done something to push him away when they were starting to break through each other's barriers after two decades of separation. Whatever it was, the question would soon go unanswered when both of them were quickly distracted by the sight of Ellie fiddling around the car, a look of amazement glimmering in her eyes.

"It's your first time in a car?" Joel asked her, being the first to speak up amongst the group while they all continued to watch Ellie.

"It's like a spaceship." Ellie told them, an excited grin tugging at the corners of her lips.

Joel let out an agitated sigh. "No, it's like a shit Chevy S10, but it'll get us there, I think." He corrected.

Vienna rolled her eyes in response to Joel's words before she leaned over and tapped Ellie on the shoulder, causing for the young girl to turn back around and face Vienna. "Ellie, put your seatbelt on." She instructs.

However, Ellie could only stare back at the woman with a confused expression plastered across her pale features, her brows furrowing together while she looked around aimlessly. That was until Joel reached over and grabbed the girl's seatbelt, showing her where it went before he gave it to Ellie. "Seatbelt." He stated firmly.

Ellie smiled again, muttering quietly underneath her breath, "So cool."

Shortly after the girl had spoken, Joel started up the engine and began to drive them out of the garage and down the vacant street, and while most of them would've preferred the silence, Ellie was quick to rummage through the glove compartment until she found an old tape. "Would you leave it?" Joel asked her before Ellie took the tape out of the case and pushed it into the player, turning it on in the process.

Ellie then pulled a face and made an attempt to change the song. But both Vienna and Joel were quick to stop her. "No, this is a good song." Vienna told her.

Joel nodded his head in agreement, still avoiding the woman's gaze while his eyes remained on the road in front of him. "This is Linda Ronstadt. Do you know who Linda Ronstadt is?" He asked the girl.

"You know I don't know who Linda Ronstadt is." Ellie argued, a look of disbelief evident in her eyes.

While Vienna Windsor continued to listen to the song, she couldn't help but sigh, but not because of the song, but because of what it reminded her of. The woman then began to think about the last time she heard the song, a chill running up her spine as her gaze slowly travelled to Joel, her eyes watching the man contently, her gaze softening as her thoughts drifted back to her wedding night all over again.

THEN.

Weddings were suppose to be every bride's dream come true. The big dress that made them look like a fairytale princess, the big three tier cake, the speeches made in their honour, the extravagant celebration surrounded by their family and friends, and to finally bind themselves to the one they would love until their last dying breath. A wedding was meant to be the start of something new for the bride, and the person she would love for the rest of her life. They would go on to start a family, and celebrate their love until the end of time.

     However, for Vienna Windsor, it was difficult to be happy on her wedding day when the man she had pledged the rest of her life too was nothing like the Prince Charming she had once dreamt for herself. It was only hours before she walked down the aisle her husband paid her a visit. He could sense Vienna was having doubts and put the woman in her place with a harsh strike to her left cheek. Of course no one knew. It was nothing that she hasn't covered up before. But while she sat down at the table, watching as her husband twirled young twelve year old Sarah Miller underneath his arm, she couldn't even smile, or feel even an ounce of joy.

In fact, all Vienna Windsor could do was look down with a dull ache erupting in her chest, lifting her to graze her thumb over where Jack's hand had previously collided with her cheek earlier that morning. She squirmed uncomfortably, her mind flashing back to the moment his palm came in contact with her soft skin. Vienna knee deep down she shouldn't have said those words, "I do," but she was terrified, and even now, she still was, knowing that the pain she felt in her cheek would only be the beginning of what was to come.

Suddenly, Vienna was snapped back to reality when she noticed someone take a seat next to her from the corner of her eye. This caused for the woman to swallow thickly before she lifted her gaze to see Joel was the one who had taken the seat beside her, dressed in a suit with a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips. Vienna gave him a small smile back before she glanced back over at Jack and Sarah, trying her best to hold back the sadness weighing heavy in her chest.

Joel was the first to notice her swift change in demeanour, causing for the man to furrow his brows. "You know, most brides would be on the dance floor right now. You've been sat here for most of the night." He pointed out.

     Vienna then turned her attention back to Joel, a sigh leaving her lips. "I'm just saving myself for when the champagne kicks in." She joked, earning a chuckle from the man in response. That gave Vienna to opportunity to change the subject. "So, where's Tommy? Did he finally ditch you?" She asked him.

Joel pulled a face, nodding his head. "The last time I saw him, he was chatting up one of the bridesmaids." He informed, earning a roar of laughter from Vienna, and for the first time since she woke up that morning, her smile was genuine.

"Oh God," Vienna paused, trying her best to hold back her laughter. "That's not going to end well."

Joel nodded his head in agreement. "Agreed." He muttered underneath his breath before he took the beer in his hand and lifted it to his lips, gulping it back for a moment before he sighed. "But at least he's happy for now." He told her.

     "Yeah, we could all use a bit of that." Vienna replied.

"And what about you?" Joel inquired, causing for Vienna to lock eyes with the man, her gaze softening. "Are you happy?" He pressed further, his question surprising Vienna at first.

Truth is, Vienna didn't know how to answer that question. She wanted to lie and tell him that being married to Jack Lawson was the most happiest she's felt in a long time. However, that was far from the truth, and she wanted to escape sooner rather than later. Vienna knew what she had to do, the woman inhaling sharply before she parted her lips to speak, but nothing came out, because she wasn't given the chance before Jack's best man stood up on the stage with a microphone in hand.

"Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to clear the dance floor for the bride and groom's first dance." He announced before he leaned over towards the music coordinator and whispered into his ear.

Vienna turned back to Joel for a moment. "That's my cue" She sighed again, standing up from her chair before she moved over to the dance floor to join her husband.

The soft symphony of 'a long long time' by Linda Ronstadt began to play through the speakers while Vienna wrapped her arms around Jack and rested her chin on his shoulder. The couple began to sway gently to the music, and soon all eyes were on them, watching the happy couple contently with love and admiration burning bright in their gazes. However, Vienna's eyes remained on one person, and one person only — her best friend — Joel Miller.

     Vienna watched as he sat with his daughter, his eyes staring into her own, and as much as she wanted to turn her attention to the man who she had pledged her undying fidelity to, it was impossible to pull her eyes away from Joel, and even if she could, Vienna didn't want to. She felt her breath hitch in the back of her throat when she saw him smile slightly back at her, and felt every moment when her heart decided to skip a beat.

     And it was in that moment she knew what she wanted, or more like who she wanted. However, it was impossible to start a future with the man she knew would never be hers to call home. So, she watched him contently, acceptance living in her heart with the knowledge that she would one day move on. But, if there was one thing that would never change, it was that Vienna Windsor would love Joel Miller for a long, long time.

NOW.

     "Oh, God..." Vienna trailed off, pulling her gaze away from Joel the second before her eyes flickered over to the radio where the same song continued to play.

     "It's better than nothing." Ellie retorted, basking in the sunlight piercing through the windshield of the car.

     Then the car drove off into the distance, but Vienna couldn't help but stare at Joel from where she sat quietly in the backseat once again as the song continued to play in the background. The lyrics "I think I'm gonna love you for a long, long time," began to ring through Vienna's ears, causing for the woman to let out a sigh as she turned away again, her gaze drifting over to the window, that same dull ache pulsating sharply through her chest.

     But little did the woman know, there was a single moment when Joel stared back at her through the rearview mirror of the vehicle, his eyes softening, living in the memory of a love that never was.

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authors note.
This chapter actually took me out. I don't think I'll ever recover from the emotional damage my own oc's have done to me in this chapter. But anyways, I really wanted to use this chapter to set up Ezra's character development and Vienna and Joel's relationship arc, and the more I think about it a long long time by Linda Ronstadt is so them like??? They're my favs for real.

But anyways I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter and I'll update again soon!!