CHAPTER EIGHT.
it still hurts watching him fade away

LOSS WAS SOMETHING Ezra Windsor was forced to grow accustomed too. From the moment he witnessed his father slip away from him one cold night, fading away like breath on a mirror, grief, pain, and loss were three feelings that the young boy had come to know with time. He grieved for his father, and he grieved for the time they could've had together, but tragically lost down the line. He grieved for every life his mother took in order to protect him throughout the years. He grieved for the lives he took over the years. He even grieved for the childhood innocence he was once owned. The innocence he was forced to sacrifice in order to survive by taking the lives of people. People who were just trying to survive like he was.

Of course, Ezra was no fool. He knew he wasn't going to die of old age surrounded by his loving family in a comfortable bed as his final resting place before he took his last breath. Ezra knew he would meet death in one or two ways; he would either bite a bullet at the hands of his enemies, or succumb to the infection that's ravaged the world in the last twenty years. He was never destined to have a happy ending. That seemed to be the case for many others like him. They were all just people who were never destined for the fairytale ending they read in storybooks. But it never meant it didn't hurt any less when he lost someone because of their gruesome fate and even more tragic ending.

     Ezra couldn't help but think about Tess when he thought about tragic endings. If there was one person the boy believed would make it to the very end, it was her. She was the exception. She was everything that no one else was. Someone they could never be. Tess was a survivor, and did everything in her power to keep fighting despite the loss she had endured prior to meeting Ezra. She was his moral compass in an ugly world, where it was easy to lose himself in the middle of it. And she fought every day until the time came when she no longer could.

He could never forget the sight of that bite mark carved into her skin like a bone chilling indentation — a constant reminder of their failure to keep each other alive. That's what it felt like to Ezra. He felt as if he had failed his friend, allowing her to succumb to the hands of a cruel and harrowing fate. Ezra felt a lot of things all at once. The pain, loss, and the indescribable wave of trembling grief was only the beginning of it. Ezra hated himself for not being able to do more. He felt guilty for leaving Tess behind to die in that fiery explosion, and he couldn't do anything to stop it.

Ezra Windsor had heard of survivors guilt once before, however, he never believed he would eventually feel every emotion, and every feeling himself.

The sun was beginning to rise into the next morning. Ezra and Joel had left Vienna and Ellie further in the woods while they went somewhere private to allow themselves to feel the pent up emotions they've tried to hide for too long. Ezra was the one who suggested they go somewhere quiet to say goodbye to Tess since they didn't get to once before. With the horde of Infected on the way, they really didn't get a chance. At least this way, in the quiet, they had that chance, even if it wouldn't be face to face with Tess.

     Ezra was crouched down by a river beside Joel, making some sort of monument for Tess by placing one rock on top of another. It wasn't anything special. It wasn't like they could bury her body. So they had to settle for an alternative. Ezra placed another damp rock on top of the growing pile until he felt like it was enough, a shaky breath leaving his lips while he continued to stare at the tribute made for the woman they had both lost only yesterday. It was like gaping hole had been left in the boy's chest. An endless void to represent the loss and grief he felt in that very moment.

The boy then turned his gaze away to look down at the running water, watching as the clear ripples travelled down the stream, wiping the stray tear that began to roll down his cheek. He had secretly hoped Joel didn't recognise it. But it didn't take long for the older man to speak up. "Are you okay, kid?" He asked, his voice low and almost emotionless, however, Ezra knew the man was just as crushed by Tess' death than he was.

     "Yeah, yeah..." Ezra trailed off, his voice barely above a whisper while he continued to speak. "I just, I just can't believe Tess is actually gone." He admitted, lifting his teary gaze to meet Joel's once again.

     Joel sucked in a sharp breath, lowering his gaze for a moment to look down at the monument built to honour Tess. There was this dull ache that quickly erupted in his chest while he stared at the stones, thinking about the woman that should still be with them now if they didn't agree to the task to smuggle an infected girl out of the city. Now they were left with no other choice than to continue their journey, having to fulfil the last dying wish that Tess had begged them to take on. He wished it didn't have to be this way. He wished he had just said no the day he stumbled into Firefly territory. Life would have been a whole lot simpler that way.

     "I know." Joel replied before he reached over and placed a hand on Ezra's shoulder, swallowing the lump lodged in the back of his throat. "We should get back to the girls. The sooner we get to Bill and Frank's, the better." He added, removing his hand from Ezra's shoulder and standing back up onto his feet.

Ezra knew Joel was right. The sooner they rid themselves of the burden that was forced onto them, the sooner they could go back to their lives inside the Boston QZ, as it always should've been.

     The group had quickly packed their bags and continued their journey. A five hour hike seemed a lot to most. But Ezra had done the same trek through the woods and down the vacant roads one too many times before to get to Bill and Frank's, and it wasn't always for smuggling goods in and out of the QZ. Sometimes he just liked to visit the couple when he could, firmly believing that the old town, cut off from the rest of the world, was an escape from the insatiable reality he lived in day after day.

     Bill and Frank were different in many ways. Ezra knew that. Bill was a paranoid and incredibly unhinged man at times, and even now, he never seemed to trust Ezra, or he at least never liked him. On the other hand, Frank was the total opposite. He was like a ray of sunlight with the brightest rays, providing light and warmth wherever he walked. Ezra met him during a time when he needed guidance — someone to show him that he could still be the best he can possibly be — to prove there was beauty even in the most ugly and cruel parts of the world.

     Ezra's weekly trips to the small town became less and less frequent throughout the last couple of months. It had gotten more difficult to sneak out of the QZ as the ongoing war between FEDRA and the Fireflies brewed behind the crimson walls of the zone. Ezra always knew it would be too risky to sneak out, so he kept quiet and hoped for an opportunity to land in the palm of his hand, and when it did, it left him feeling almost optimistic. He needed a break from the last two days. Especially after leaving Tess behind to die a brutal death.

     The burning sun beat down on her pale skin while he walked up the vacant road, walking beside his mother while Joel and Ellie led the way, the pair talking amongst themselves to kill time and fill the deafening silence. Although Ezra knew Joel would prefer the silence more than anything. He definitely preferred the silence more than ever right now, not wanting to engage in a single conversation after losing Tess. Ezra couldn't even fathom the thought of having to talk about anything else and act like it never happened. That's why he wanted to see Frank, to grieve in the way he needed to without feeling weak.

And just as Ezra was starting to believe he could get through the trip without having to talk to a single soul, a familiar voice lured him out of his thoughts.

"Hey..." Ezra turned his head to see his mom staring back at him, a sympathetic stare burning bright in her electric, green eyes. The boy didn't say anything. He just continued to stare back at his mother, waiting for her to continue speaking. "I know I'm probably the last person you want to hear this from—"

"Then why say it in the first place?" Ezra asked in a rhetorical manner, his voice barely above a whisper, but loud enough for his mother to hear.

Regardless of her son's blunt tone, Vienna released a shaky breath past her lips before she decided to speak once again. "All I wanted to say is that I'm sorry for what happened to Tess." She apologised, expressing her condolences for his loss.

"Why are you apologising?" Ezra questioned further, the same familiar sound full of bitterness laced in his quiet voice. The boy then sighed, "It wasn't like you were the one that killed her."

Vienna nodded her head in response to the son's words. "I know. It's just...I understand how it feels to lose someone, and I don't want to see you bottle up your emotions and shut it out, like what happened yesterday didn't happen." She explained, pausing for a moment while she inhaled sharply. "You lost someone, Ezra. I just want you to grieve in a way that's healthy for you—"

"Like how you grieved for dad?" Ezra interjected, doing what he did best, and that was pushing those who cared about him away.

Vienna was surprised at the sudden mention of her deceased husband, her body tensing slightly in the process. Ezra noticed his mother's change in demeanour, causing for the boy to scoff quietly. "You never grieved for him. After he died, you just acted like he didn't even exist." He reminded the woman, a coldness in his voice that sent a chill up her spine.

     "Ezra..." Vienna paused, sucking in a sharp and harrowing breath. "I did grieve for him." That was a lie, and she knew it. Of course, she felt some sort of remorse for the life she took that night. But she never grieved in the way a wife should for her husband. "I was just focused on surviving. Protecting you became my priority."

     Ezra was silent for a moment, nodding his head before he parted his lips to speak once again. "It doesn't make it right, mom. You never even talked about him. But I guess that's why it was easy for you to kill him, right?" Ezra's passive agressive tone pricked at Vienna's skin, her breathing becoming shaky when she dwelled on that night again, and she resented her own for using it against her, acting as if her decision to kill his dad was easy.

It was moments like these that made Vienna look at her son, and for a moment, she didn't even recognise him herself. It was like he was slipping away with every conversation they seemed to share these last couple of days.

That was when Vienna chose to stop in her tracks, grabbing her son's forearm to stop him too while she let Joel and Ellie continue moving forward. They would catch up in a second. Once the woman knew there was some distance between them and the pair walking further ahead, she snapped in a way she didn't expect to in front of her son. She wasn't proud of the tone she used. Especially when he deserved to be angry at her for the things she did in the past. But she wouldn't put up with his hurtful words much longer. She had more respect for herself than that. Her marriage with Jack Lawson taught her she deserved more than that.

"Listen, you can be angry with me all you like. It's justified. You deserve to feel this way towards me. I've accepted it. But I am still your mother whether you like it or not." Vienna spat harshly, watching as her son lowered his gaze for a moment to avoid her angry gaze. Once he lifted his gaze to stare back at her, his jaw clenched, that was when she parted her lips to speak once again. "My relationship with your dad was complicated, and I don't have to tell you the reasons why because that's my business. It has nothing to do with you. And if you think killing him was easy, you're wrong. I did it to protect us. I made a choice, and I'll live with it. But you don't get to speak to me like that. Got it?"

     Ezra continued to stare at Vienna for a moment, watching as her features softened soon after she had spoken, waiting for him to say something in return. However, the boy just nodded his head and turned on his heel before he followed Joel and Ellie further down the road. Vienna watched as her son stepped further and further away from her. A sigh left the woman's lips, running a hand through her brown locks before she picked up the pace and caught up with the others to see they were coming up to what looked like an abandoned rest-stop.

"Cumberland Farms." Ellie chimed, breaking the deafening silence between the group.

Joel looked back at the rest of them, a serious look burning in his dark gaze. "Hang back a minute. I've got to grab some stuff I stashed." He informed.

However, the group continued to follow him closer to the building while Ellie continued to speak. "Stashed?" She asked. "Why do you stash stuff here?" She questioned further.

"You ask a lot of goddamn questions." Joel pointed out obnoxiously.

Ellie only smiled at the older man, nodding her head. "Yes, I do." She declared, following Joel into the rest-stop.

"I'm going to hang back out here." Ezra informed the group while Vienna followed Ellie and Joel into the small and condensed building.

Once they were inside, Ellie parted her lips to speak once again, looking up at Joel with a curious twinkle glimmering in her bright eyes. "So, are you gonna answer me or what?" She inquired, hoping for an answer.

Sighing loudly, Joel told her, "We hide supplies on routes in case we find ourselves short on gear, which we currently are 'cause—"

"No way!" Ellie's excited voice cut Joel off before both Vienna and him glanced over at the girl who had ran over towards a broken game machine. Ellie then turned around to look at the two adults, a large grin tugging at the corners of her lips. "You ever play this one?" She asked, fiddling with the buttons and game stick in the process. "I had a friend who knew everything about this game." She informed, slowly beginning to ramble a string of words that became almost incoherent to Vienna, who glanced over at Joel while he searched for where his stash could possibly be.

     However, when it became clear to Vienna that the man was struggling to find his supplies because he may have forgotten, a ghost of a smile slowly formed its way across her lips. "You've forgotten where it is, haven't you?" She asked him in a rhetorical manner, saying the one thing they both already knew.

"No, I'm just zeroing in on it. It's been a couple of years." Joel retorted, kicking some debris around in hopes of finding it.

Vienna let out a chuckle, and not once that sounded force. It was genuine. Something the woman hasn't felt in a long, long time. Joel glanced over at Vienna for a moment, watching her with a look of annoyance in his eyes. But deep down, although Joel would never admit it out loud, seeing the woman smile again reminded him of his life before the outbreak — a life he wished he could get back to. Maybe in another life he did.

     All of a sudden, Ellie cleared her throat, snapping them both back to reality before the pair turned around to stare at the young girl. "Well, I'm gonna take a look around, see if there's anything good while I let you guys catch up more." She told them.

     "Trust me, it's been picked over already." Joel argued, shaking his head.

     "Maybe, maybe not..." Ellie trailed off as she neared the door into the back of the small building. However, she quickly stopped in her tracks and turned around to face them again. "Is there anything bad in here?" She questioned.

     "Just you." Joel replied bluntly.

     Ellie turned around, unamused at his bad attempt at a joke. "Ha, even funnier." She muttered underneath her breath before disappearing into the next room, leaving Vienna and Joel alone together.

Vienna then turned around to face Joel, her smile remaining plastered across her lips while she watched him rummage through the store. When Joel finally noticed the large grin on the woman's lips, he stopped what he was doing and stared at Vienna, looking almost confused. "What?" He asked her.

"She's a funny kid." Vienna admitted, shrugging her shoulders.

Joel let out a scoff in response to the woman's comment, shaking his head in the process before he continued to search for his hidden stash. "She's a pain in the ass, that's what she is." He retorted.

     "All kids are like that Joel. Sarah used to talk back to you like that all the time, remember?" Vienna reminded him, the mere mention of his daughter's name being enough to make the man stop in his tracks before he inhaled sharply and continued looking for his stash. "It's just a phase they go through."

     Joel then stood on some sort of panel. This caused for him to stop again before he pulled back the debris and opened up a loose floorboard to reveal what he had been looking for. It was quiet for a moment before he let out a sigh. "So, is that why you can handle Ezra talking back to you all the time? Because it's just a phase?" He questioned, using the woman's own words against her in an attempt to change the subject.

Vienna folded her arms over her chest, her breath hitched in the back of her throat. "Mine and Ezra's relationship is complicated to say the least." She muttered underneath her breath, but loud enough for Joel to hear from where he was kneeling down.

"Just complicated?" Joel pushed, sounding almost curious while he shrugged his shoulders.

"There's, uh, something about Jack's death I left out..." Vienna blurted out, her choice of words being enough to catch Joel's attention before he stood back up onto his feet, his tall figure towering over her in the process. Vienna then lifted her gaze to stare back at Joel, shuffling uncomfortably for a moment before she parted her lips to speak. "We were trying to get somewhere safe for the night. There were Clickers all over the building. Jack was hurt after we were attacked by raiders a few nights before, and when we got caught by infected, he was slowing us down. I had to make a choice."

Joel rolled back his shoulders, sighing loudly. He already came to the realisation of what Vienna had done to her late husband. But he needed to hear her say it. "What did you do, Vienna?" He inquired.

Vienna released a shaky breath past her lips. "I stabbed him, and I left him behind to die. I had to protect myself and my son. Just because the world ended didn't mean he stopped being his true self. I knew it was just a matter of time before he got us killed." She explained.

"But why would Ezra hate you for killing the man who—" Joel cut himself off when he met Vienna's gaze once again, realisation coming over him. "He doesn't know about Jack, does he?"

     "Uh, no. No, he doesn't." Vienna replied truthfully, lowering her gaze to stare down at the ground again.

     And despite how Joel felt about his former friend, perceiving her as more of a stranger than anything else, he could sense the pain in her voice. This caused for him to take a step closer, a sincere look evident in his eyes. "You should tell him, Vienna. He shouldn't be allowed to idolise the man that hurt you." He told her.

     "I can't do that, Joel." Vienna argued, shaking her head.

     "Why?" Joel questioned, a confused look washing over his face in the process.

     "Because...Jack might have been a shitty husband, but he was a good dad. Every time he hurt me, he would do it when Ezra was sleeping, or when we were in a separate room from him. He hit me in places that I could keep covered up, so he would never know. Jack was a hero to Ezra, and after he saw what I did to his dad, I became nothing more than the heartless villain who took his dad away from him." Vienna paused for a moment, a bitter chuckle leaving her lips soon afterwards. "It's crazy. Even after he's been dead for fifteen years, Jack Lawson still finds a way to hurt me."

"Well, maybe if you told him the truth—" Joel started to say, but Vienna was quick to cut him off.

"No. He already hates one parent. Nothing is going to change that. I don't want him losing the love he has for the other. Even if he is an abusive asshole." Vienna retorted. Joel made an attempt to say something again, but Vienna shook her head. "Joel, he's my son. I can deal with him on my own. I don't need you to tell me what I can and can't do with him. Just promise me you won't say anything to him about Jack. Promise me, Joel."

Joel was hesitant at first, but instead of fighting the woman any further, he nodded his head while he pursed his lips into a thin line. "I promise." He assured her.

     All of a sudden, it grew silent between the pair before a loud rustle from the next room echoed through the air, catching both Vienna and Joel's attention. The pair quickly exchanged a series of looks before Vienna looked into the next room. "Ellie, is everything okay?" She called, but there was no reply.

     Joel slowly approached the door while Vienna hanged back, watching nervously before he peaked his head into the next room. However, their worries were quickly extinguished when Ellie came skipping out of the room. "Picked over, my ass." She laughed, holding up a box of feminine products.

     Vienna couldn't help but sigh in relief, glad to see Ellie was safe before she turned back to face Joel. "We should keep moving. The sooner we get to your friends' place the better, right?" She told the man, turning her back on him and leaving the abandoned store soon afterwards.

     Just a little further now. She told herself. Just a little further and then it's all over.

━━━━━━━━

authors note.
Okay this chapter took me ages to write and I don't know why, but anyways Joel understands why Ezra resents Vienna and that's going to bring them closer since he's the only person she's opened up to about what really happened to Jack. And the next chapter is going to possibly be a long one because there's going to be a lot to cram in when the group arrive at Bill and Frank's so prepare yourself for the emotional damage *proceeds to laugh*

Until then I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter and I'll update again soon!!