FOUR.   NO, I'M NOT AFRAID TO DISAPPEAR

tw:
mentions of self harming
and suicidal thoughts

Mia stared out the window, stormy eyed, with her chin placed on her arm as she watched the trees sway outside. It was a cold November. Thanksgiving was one of her favorite holidays. Her mother made the best Thanksgiving dinner. The Jones home was full of decorations and scented candles of cinnamon and apples. The smell of apple pie and freshly banked bread filled her nostrils. The kitchen table was stocked with big bowls of mac and cheese and mashed potatoes, trays of deviled eggs and different meats, and all kinds of desserts.

Lucas stared jaw slacked at all the food and attempted to grab one of the muffins from the table. Madeline smacked his hand away. "Hey now, you know the rules. No eating before we say grace." She waved a finger at him.

His smile disappeared and he lowered his hand. "Sorry, mom."

"Can we hurry up? I'm hungry!" Paris whined.

"I agree with the princess. I'm hungry." Said Riley and he picked the little girl up, making her giggle.

Madeline took out another pie from the oven and carefully walked over to the table, sitting it next to the apple pie. "Okay, that's all the food. Everyone sit." She told her family. "Mia, come on!"

Mia tore her eyes away from the window and quickly ran to the kitchen. She sat between Lucas and her father and the family joined hands. Madeline reciting grace, something they did before every dinner.

Thinking about her past life tortured her more than the life she lived now. The smiles of her family. The sound of their laughter. It felt like someone was stabbing her heart. Like she couldn't break. Her bottom lip started to tremble. No matter what time of day, what the weather was, what mood she was in, they were always on her mind. Being alone, she had all the time in the world for the memories of her dead family to haunt her in her dreams and nightmares. Pain was a loaded gun and it was constantly pointed at her.

The torn flannel was tied around her waist and she trudged through the woods, gripping her knife and backpack straps tightly.  Mia felt physically sick. Sick of seeing the same trees. Sick of not knowing where she was going. Sick of being alone. It was so tiring. A wave of sadness washed over her and before she could stop herself, Mia let out a choking sob. She bent down to her knees. Her hands closed over her heart as her chest twisted painfully. Images of Lucas flashed in her mind, and then to Paris, her mother, her father, and then somehow they all morphed together. It changed to her father and little sister lying on the concrete with their bodies torn apart and then to Lucas with his shoulder and stomach ripped out.

Mia pulled her knees to her chest and sobbed. "Please, go away." She cried, squeezing her eyes shut.

"Mimi."

Another sob escaped her mouth and she quickly covered it. She saw her twin lying in her arms, his body torn to pieces. "Get out of my head!" She pleaded.

"Mia, sweetheart." Her father appeared in front of her. His sun kissed skin was clean and his kind eyes were shining brightly. All at once, then she was plagued with his torn apart body. His eyes gone from his head.

She screamed.

Then he was gone.

"It's your fault. You killed them."

Her own voice haunted her. "No. No. Please stop." She sobbed.

"It should've been you!"

Her nails sank into her palms so deep she drew blood,  but she paid no attention. She couldn't even feel it. The pain in her body shouted I'm coming for you! Her chest was a wall of fire creeping up through her throat and blocking her airway. Mia felt like she was drowning even though she wasn't swimming. She banged her head back against the tree again and again as her cries scratched her throat raw. She looked to the sky. "Why did you do this to me? Why did you take them from me?"

Feeling a wetness on her hand, Mia looked down to see the indention of her nails embedded into her palms. Blood trailed down her hand and down her arm. She stared at her stained hands. The same hands that held the knife that killed her brother. That were washed in the blood that belonged to her twin. Survivor's guilt plagued her soul and left a hollow hole in the center of her chest. There was a piece of tree bark next to her. Mia picked it up. The edges were jagged and sharp.

The voices in her head taunted her. They asked her questions: Why are you still here? Why did you survive? How did you make it this long? Tears leaked from her cloudy eyes and her hand began to shake. She pressed the jagged edge of the wood to her wrist. She counted in her head. One, two, three. A clock went off in her head. One, two, three. Mia swallowed a thick lump that seemed to get stuck in her throat. Salty tears mixed with sweat and dirt trailed down her cheeks and onto her lip.  She pressed the wood harder into her skin until it broke. Her body temperature heightened and she felt like she was on fire. 

What was a life worth living if you spent it completely alone? She had no one. Her mom was dead. She survived a car crash. She watched her father and baby sister her ripped apart. She killed her brother. Mia dragged the jagged edge of the wood across her wrist again. She gasped at the pain. She held her bleeding wrist and cried hysterically. The crimson red stained under her nails. She cut across her other wrist. The wood was covered in blood. Her blood. Mia tilted her head back against the tree. Her breathing deepened. She felt a white hot pain. Her clothes were stained red along with her skin. Everything was red. 

Mia stared up at the sky with her bloody wrists facing upwards. It was terrifying. She felt like she sinking, waves tugging her back and forth, up and down. One second her head was pushed under and she was withering and the next she was above surface gasping for air. She felt like she was walking a tightrope for survival.  Sh didn't want to live like this. She wished the corpses would come already.

"Daddy." She uttered with teary eyes. She shut them for a brief second. The world went black and she sat with her body against the tree, blood still trailing from her arms.

A body of water surrounded her. Her head was back and moved side to side as the water rippled from under her. Her arms sprawled out at her sides. The coolness of the water sent chills down her spine. Her body rocked up and down. Up and down. Up and down. It was soothing being able to just float. Blue eyes closed, lashes fluttering against her cheeks. She was at peace. Then suddenly, the waves picked up and interrupted that feeling of serenity. Currents washed over her until it took her body under. Her arms flared around her head as water filled her lungs. It was dark. Completely dark. The waves above the surface were coming down hard. It was like a barrier was between her and the surface and she couldn't get out. 

Is this what dying feels like? She thought in her head. Had she done it? She felt her body shake with a strong force. Am I dead? There was another shake. Mia opened her eyes. She wasn't in the water. Her back was still pressed against the tree. There was a woman crouched in front of her.

"Can you hear me?" Her voice was light. A southern twang nestled in her words.

Mia just blinked, still very much spaced out. "It didn't work?" Was the first thing she uttered.

The woman with the green eyes frowned. She looked over her shoulder and that's when Mia saw two men. She looked back again and saw the young girl spaced out. "Sweetheart, are you there?" Again, her voice was sweet. The kind of voice a mother had.

Mia's blurred vision went back into focus. The woman's green eyes became more clear. Her hair was brown, short, and her skin was sun kissed. The first thing Mia thought was that she was beautiful. "Who are you?" She stuttered. She looked at the two men and her breath began to quicken. "What's going on?"

"It's okay, honey. You're safe." The southern woman assured her. "I thought you were dead."

Mia glanced down, expecting to see her wrists covered in blood, but instead saw them wrapped up poorly with an old cloth. Her bottom lip began to tremble and she closed her eyes. She was supposed to be dead.

The unnamed woman continued to stare at her, her forest green eyes full of worry. She remembered when she found her. Passing through the woods, a young girl pressed against a tree, her wrists pouring blood, she'd already looked dead. But she wasn't. And she wasn't going to just leave her there. "My name is Maggie. Maggie Rhee. What's your name?"

Mia's breath shook. "Mia."

"That's a beautiful name." She pointed over her shoulder. "This is my husband Glenn and our friend Daryl."

The man called Glenn watched the interaction with worried eyes. The man called Daryl looked cautious and he clutched a bow in his hands. He was tall and gruff looking, which worried Mia even more.

"Are you alone, Mia?" The woman called Maggie asked.

God, she hated that word. "Y-Yes."

She watched the three strangers have a conversation in their minds with one another. Maggie's expression read that she wouldn't leave her. Her husband glanced between her and Daryl, seemingly going to do whatever his wife wanted. Mia spoken a word to the man and already she couldn't tell that the man, Daryl, was a tough nut to crack.

"Do you have anywhere to go, Mia?"

"It's just me and the trees."

Maggie sized her up. Green eyes examining everything from her eyes to her clothes. She couldn't be no older than fifteen. "How old are you?"

It was a tough question to answer. "Fourteen, I think?" Mia responded. She did the math in her head. "I'm pretty sure."

"We have a camp not too far from here. We have a group. Lots of people. Kids around your age. It's safe there. Please come back with us." 

"Maggie—"

Maggie only gave the young girl a warm, trusting smile. She reminded Mia a lot of her own mother. Just younger. But they both had the same kind eyes. Kind voice. Sweet smiles. It was the first interaction Mia had since Lucas died. It was strange to her. Especially because she had two men with her. But one was her husband. They couldn't be dangerous. Right?

But she also remembered that she hadn't eaten in days. Or slept. "A camp?" She questioned in a small voice.

Maggie quickly nodded as if she was happy that she was asking questions. "It's a prison. Plenty of room and good people. You'll be safe there. I promise."

Mia looked like a deer caught in headlights, Glenn noticed. But she was softening under his wife's compassion. She was all alone. A little bit of kindness can go a long way, he figured out. She was just a kid. She deserved a chance.

Mia didn't want to be alone anymore. She'd I've just about anything to sleep in an actual bed for one night. "Okay." She finalized.

"Now, hold up,  before everyone gets excited." Daryl stepped in. He directed his attention to Maggie. "You know we have to take her stuff. Rick won't be happy we just let her in without questioning."

"Rick will be just fine." Maggie took the girl's hands and helped her up from the ground.

Mia bent down and grabbed her backpack. She held it close to her. "You have to take my stuff?"

"It's just a precaution." Glenn told her, speaking for the first time.

She hesitated. But ultimately Mia handed her bag to Maggie. The took the knife out of her wristband and gave it to her, sharp facing her. Maggie smiled at her again. She followed the three adults through the woods. She felt a gentle hand being placed on her shoulder. Three heads she'd been out here. Alone. Scared. Hungry. Tired. She had been given another chance.