Really?

Really?

I don't even wanna look at Travis ever again, I think, why the fuck would I wanna talk to his ugly ass.

I know I'm a hypocrite, but you can't help your past and you can't help how you feel when your brain is completely and utterly intoxicated. My friends are so perfect. Their problems are so perfect. And so they treat every little thing so dramatically.

I never knew such perfect people existed until I met them. Look at Kylie and her sweetheart Ryan. They've ever been dating since 7th grade. They barely ever fight. They never cheat on each other. I thought shit like that only happened on tv. Lauren is so perfect with her red hair and her great life. The new girls are supposed to have a hard time fitting in but no, she's doing so well it's almost annoying. Kenny is so fricking sexy, his existence should be considered illegal. His only problems are his crush Harry and if his makeup is bad that day.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I still love them but maybe they're just not like me. Not selfish and rude. Not annoying and shitty. Not always-mad-and-sad. Their shopping trips and expensive as fuck channel bags don't excite me. The only thing that excites me is...

Wait. It's nothing lol.

"HONEY?", mom says, stepping into my room. I say, "Yea?" she says, "How do I look?" I look at her and say, "Really sexy. Where are you headed?" she twirls and says, "A friend's house, then the club. Wanna come?"

"Nah!", I shake my head. "Already hungover from yesterday." She shrugs. "Ok." And then she leaves.

"WAIT!" I yell after her. "What?", she turns around.

"Make sure to use protection", I say. "We don't want another Mia or Lilly running around the house."

Hey will you look at me! Giving my own mother 'The Talk'.

And she bursts out laughing.
***
I'm scrolling through Instagram when I get a private message there. It says it's from an unknown person. I don't usually go ahead and open unknown messages but in the moment, out of curiosity, I do.

It takes a second to open up and I see an eggplant emoji. I roll my eyes. Then after another small second a picture pops up and I nearly throw up again. It's a picture of the dude's penis. Disgusting. And it's tiny, Gawd.

Enough internet for the day Cath, I think and throw my phone on the bed.

I spend the next few hours just lounging around in my room and reading a book called 'Flawed'. It's actually really good and an inspiring piece of work. About after 1:30pm everyone else starts waking up and I can hear Mia and Lilly preparing 'breakfast' downstairs. Jacob is usually dead most days, except for when he gets called to go back to college or the days Mia or I go out on a date or bring a guy over or basically anything that somewhat includes somehow hurting us, and our feewings.

I can't tell you how hard it was for me to have sex with Travis. Mom was a drunk mess that day and couldn't stop Jacob from questioning me stupid questions about where, when, how, what, why am I going to Kylie's house for a sleepover, when I've never been interested in sleepovers before. Well that's what I'd told him. He dropped me at Kylie's house and talked to her parents, telling them to not let me go anywhere else. But of course, I did. I got drunk, sneaked out of Kylie's window and ran halfway to Travis's house completely barefoot and with a box of condoms in my hands. Kylie ran behind me, with lube and a pair of flipflops in an H&M shopper.

Yea... it was a scene worth watching.

Travis met us halfway and couldn't stop laughing when he saw me so desperate to get myself deflowered. He thought it was that and the fact that he was really hot. But no. I actually just really desperately wanted to get rid of the 'Cath is a lesbian pussycat' rumours.

I guess I was wrong about that though, because soon after, the 'Cath is the school whore' rumours started. The world is never happy with you now is it?

I go downstairs and am greeted by a Mia making pancakes and a Lilly sticking her fingers inside a bowl of yougurt.

"Hey!", I say to Mia and she turns around from the stove to look at me. Ah FUCK! She's so beautiful.

She finishes up making pancakes and places them on the plate. Then motions for me and Lilly to sit at the dining table. I carry a sleepy Lilly and sit her down on one of the chairs.

I walk around the table and sit in front​ of Mia rather than sitting next to her.

"Want some?", she points at the pancakes. That's what he said. I shake my head no.

I sit there silently as Mia and Lilly eat.

Suddenly, Mia looks up at me and says, "Cathryn?" Since I'm taken by surprise, I flinch a little. "Didn't mean to scare you", she smiles, knocking me out of my daze.

"It's ok", I say. She nods slowly and I notice she's a little hesitant before she says, "I'm glad you're feeling better. I mean, back to norm-" "I don't wanna talk about it", I cut her off. She looks up at me. "I'm just, glad", she says.

"Where's mommy?", Lilly asks, looking up from her plate. I notice these girls aren't actually eating anything. Lilly is playing with the food and Mia's just poking at it with her fork.

"Where is she Cathryn?", Mia questions me, anger and hurt clearly visible in her eyes, "Where is our beloved mother?"

I glare at her. "She just wanted a break. She's at a friend's-"

"She ALWAYS wants a break", Mia snaps at me. "Why doesn't she just take a permanent break?"

Silence.

"You know", Mia scoffs, "this girl isn't my daughter", she points her thumb at Lilly, "she isn't my responsibility." Pause. "If you mother-daughter are done partying and taking breaks, then can you take a second and notice how this girl's losing so much weight and how she's failing all her tests. See how she's crying at night from her nightmares and calling out for her mommy when actually her mommy is busy having sex and partying."

I stare at her. Tears prick at her eyes and her nose turns red. It's always so fucking emotional with Mia. Is she always on her period?

"Why do you always side with her Cathryn?", she says and I instantly look down. I shrug.

"You do know the emotional scene we put up yesterday was just an act right?" I swallow and look up, "No." "Do you really think I give a fuck about how she loves me?" "Woah! Easy there. You're just twelve, remember?" She scoffs, "I just stayed behind for Lilly. I knew she'd die of suffocation and loneliness if I left her alone with you guys." I smile, "Well, this house actually has pretty good ventilation... Better than the last one at least."

She frowns at me and then starts crying. "You can never be serious can you Cathryn? You're just too busy being a  slutty ass bitch. Aren't you?"

I would've​ slapped her so hard across that tiny, beautiful face of hers if she wasn't my sister. I want to.

I take a deep breath. "Stop it Mia."
"Stop what?"
"Stop acting like you're the hero and everyone else here is the villain. You're not", I snap at her, "You're just a little 12 year old girl who's had a little too much to cry about and now whines about everything. You don't know anything. You don't know what we've been through. You don't know what mom's been through. She's walked through hell to give you all that you have today. Stop. Being. A. Brat."

She sets her jaw. "What has she been through? A bad breakup? Haven't​ you been through it too?"

"Stop it", I close my eyes.

"But didn't you pull through it Cathryn? You made it out alive, didn't you? You don't scream anymore. You're not on pills anymore-"

"I said STOP it, Mia."

"But that old hag still is. She still takes anti-depressants. She still complains about how your dad left her in her stupid red dress. WHY CAN'T SHE GET OVER IT? HUH? WHY CAN'T SHE GET OVER IT LIKE YOU DID? YOU GOT DUMPED TOO, DIDN'T YOU?"

"SHUT UP MIA", I yell, standing up and bursting my ears. Mia looks really shocked and Lilly starts to cry. "Just shut, the fuck up." Mia starts to tremble because of my outburst and I suddenly feel bad for her.

I sigh. "Ok."

"What?"

"I'll do something about it."

She scoffs. "You can't do anything. You're as useless as dog shit. I thought maybe your stupid Travis incident had knocked some sense into your shitty, selfish​ and bitchy brain that only cares about sex and drugs and boys and herself! But no. I was wrong...... so wrong."

I stare at her blankly. I'm not one with emotions and feelings. I like feeling numb and empty. That way, nothing hurts. Nothing gets to me. I set my jaw and nod at her, "I see", I whisper. Then I turn on my heel and silently walk to my room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I swear I died in vain but now have returned to life. I need to write a lot more and a lot better. Am going to try my best. *Deep Breath*

Also, secrets revealed thanks to our lovely Ms.Mia.