I sort of understand when people say, "suicide is for cowards"; is not that hard to see the point, because, after all, life itself can be the scariest thing of all.

At the same time, I can't avoid to think it's an oversimplification of an incredibly complex issue, and to call those who think of taking their own lives like that... I don't think it helps them. At all.

To preserve your own existence is one of the most basic instinct any life form is born with. It's so elemental, most of us don't even think about it, until of course, it starts to fail, more often than not because the way you have lead your life has started to fail. Taking the decision to fight that self-preservation impulse is not easy, and I can guarantee you stop trying it after you had decided to end it isn't because suddenly, you feel courageous or brave.

As I see the revolver over my table; I have heard is a very delicate one, and must be taken with care

I can't be brave enough to answer myself for once and for all: am I gonna do it? Am I not? Am I just a drama queen that can really go through it? Say whatever you want of those who in the end, walked that line that separates light from dark, but at least they went for it. That's something... I guess.

And I guess a lot of it have to do with, precisely, drama: we fantasize about how others are gonna react. Are they gonna cry? Is someone going to say, "he finally did it?" Someone is gonna... care, a bit? At some basic level at the very least?

They pretend to care, of course: they will see you moody and gray, and will ask you if you're feeling alright. That's nothing but a common courtesy, though. The intention for that question, at least in my experience, is not really to know if the other truly feels well, but as a social norm: you're not supposed to make others feel awkward with your own shit, so they ask you that, and you're supposed to answer, "yeah, I'm fine": the worst crime is to make others feel uncomfortable for a couple of seconds. No, you better snap out of it, life will have to go on with or without you.

Well, at that point, some of us decide the former.

I take a look at my phone: I thought my overly-dramatic status updates would attract sympathy, but if anything, it just brought mockery, and to be honest, I can't say I don't see where they're coming from: I have abused so much of the "suicide card" so much you could never be able to hide behind it an ace of spades. I kinda wish, in my egotistical, fucked up way to see things, that I was able to meet more people; people who will be surprised because of my displays, but I know how that story ends, and I just don't have the same energy I used to even present a stage, a parody of my feelings.

I kinda want to, but I won't, and neither I'm going to really do it, right?

In moments like this, I start to hesitate; women at least are smarter than us, even the suicide ones, since they go for other methods: sweet, relaxing drugs, that make you feel no pain at all. But no: we as men, we have to play the "macho" role, and show-off we can deal with a bombastic, explosive end. And let's not kid ourselves, the one who truly are going to deal with it are the poor forensic personal cleaning our brains and blood from the floor and walls.

And I laugh a little... laughter always makes life look like is worthwhile, even in the darkest times. Is just a coincidence that usually those groups, at the margins of what society sees as the standard, are usually the best comedians? But then again, many of they are able to make smile everybody else, but themselves. I don't want to perpetuate the stereotype comedians are depressed, but nowadays, when there's a clown in a movie, a film, a book or any other form of media, it is a sad one, at least when is not a complete pyscopath murder.

No, I won't do it: I'm not brave enough to fight against what nature programmed into all of us, nor coward enough to just take a fast show and throw everything by the window. I wish I was a little more of the former or the latter, but I'm not. To all of those who decide to finally go for it, I don't want to say they have my respect, but at the very least, yeah, you're balled. To those who decide to take a turn in their lives, and walk on, congratulations, I think you all are going to be fine. And I sincerely say so, not just because that's what I'm supposed to say.

But I'm not even in the middle of the storm; I'm the middle between there, and the shore. Oh well, in any case, tomorrow is going to be a whole new day.

I better hurry up and hide that damn gun before I hurt someone. I don't even remember if it's charged or not, that's never a good sign, but as I carry it, and take a good look of it, doesn't look like it i--