My head rested against Ian's shoulder as I finished telling him about Harry. He liked listening to me talk. I think in a way, my stories of coming out helped him. He knew his family would be fine with his sexuality. Luella was pansexual and openly so, his mom always talked about how she liked girls as well as men, and his dad had divorced his mom because he was gay. His family was very queer, so there was no way he'd be shunned. But he was scared, as more cis men were. High school boys weren't often the most accepting, and he was so deep in the gaming world that he probably encountered mostly homophobes on the daily. 

"Text him." he said softly 

Surprised, I sat up and looked at him.

"What?"

"Text him. You're obviously upset about his reaction. Leo, he's your best friend. You've been out to everyone for two years, and you were so scared that you didn't tell him, even after you started transitioning medically. Maybe he was just surprised. You know, it's a big change for him, and you never brought it up before. Maybe he'll accept you with time."

"I don't know, Ian." 

We rarely talked this much. More often than not I would rant and he would sit in silence, his thumb caressing  mine softly. Communication wasn't something I was used to. I was used silent affection from him. And awkward teeny words. 

"Well you won't know if you don't try right?"

Right. Silently, I pulled my phone out of my pocket. It was two in the morning, and knowing how Harry always respected his parents rules, he'd probably be fast asleep by now. 

"What do I say?"

Ian hesitated a moment.

"That you're the same person. You didn't change."

That's good. 

" That's a great idea. Thanks."

hey harry. i wanted to tell u that I'm still the same person. Still ur little dummy. still ur marvel buddy. I didn't change. I just accepted myself. I love you to the other galaxies and back <3 

I pressed send before I could give myself a chance to overthink. But then, I saw the three little dots. He was typing. 

"Uh. Ian. He's up. Oh my. Oh no. Oh no no no."

Anxiety welled up inside of me. I was starting to panic. Ian gently wrapped his arm around me. 

"Breathe. It's okay."

... 

... 

don't contact me again "leo". i am not gay. i do not share beds with men. i do not kiss men's cheeks. Tyler told me u were out for two years at your school. also told me you were taking hormones. why would you lie to me about that. Why. do you not trust me??? and why did you let me act gay with u? 

He kept typing. Another message arrived. 

i am christian, Sarah. I do not want to be gay. 

Salty tears ran down my cheeks. We had been painfully close for years, acting in ways that sure, could be considered ambiguous, could be, I guess, considered gay, but the blatant homophobia he was showing right now ripped me apart. He had always been accepting of people, from afar. He liked Luella and her family, he didn't care for her sexuality. Why was it now an issue? Why did he have to deadname me? Pain danced inside my chest and I cried, burying my face against Ian. I lost my best friend. 

Ian held me, awkwardly patting my back.

"It's okay Leo. You're okay."

It felt like my world had come crushing down. I knew when he left for "dinner" that he was walking out of my life. I wasn't dumb. But now, it felt like there was no going back from this. Maybe he didn't mean it, maybe he was just being hurtful on purpose, because he felt angry, or betrayed, or maybe he just was a homophobic jerk. Maybe I didn't know him that well after all.

Being comforted by Ian felt alien. Normally, this would be Harry's job, after a boy had rejected me or a particularly hard day at school. He'd been everything I needed for ten years. Ten beautiful years. 

Ian held me close. It felt nice, but so insanely strange. 

"I think I'm going to go sleep, Ian."

He looked taken aback. Saddened. 

"Oh. Uh. Okay."

I got up. Right before I made my way through the window, he grabbed my waist, and pulled me against him.  His eyes looked at mine, then glanced lower— was he looking at my lips? Self conscious, I bit my lower lip. He pulled me closer, his eyes closing. Before I knew it, our lips connected, and I was gripping onto his arms for dear life. But I felt nothing. I just felt out of breath. And confused. 

Where were the butterflies?