Growing up I wanted to be famous. I wanted to star in movies and be a famous actress like Jennifer Lawrence. So when fifth grade hit, I signed up for the theatre elective right away. Unfortunately, acting was a lot harder than it looks. How can I ever think of a scene to improvise in under TWO MINUTES? Why is blocking so hard to memorize? Why must I speak THAT loudly in front of an audience? I feel like I'm going to get an asthma attack from all that projection! And most importantly, WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF MONOLOGUES!!! Let me get this straight: I HATE monologues. I DESPISE monologues. I STRONGLY DISLIKE monologues. I just don't get it! Why must I spend hours and sometimes DAYS and if I'm feeling super lazy, WEEKS to memorize 10 minutes worth of paragraphs? It feels SOOOOOOO awkward talking to yourself in front of a crowd. It's kinda like ranting for a whole ten minutes but you don't have any friends to rant to. I feel bad for whoever is a character in a monologue. It must be sad for them to have an author throw unfortunate life scenarios and unfavorable personalities at them for the sake of an "interesting monologue". To be honest, monologues aren't even intriguing! They're literally like those boring speeches that last for over thirty minutes. I usually doze off after the first two minutes. It's THAT lame. Plus DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO FIND A GOOD MONOLOGUE?!?! It is so difficult. My theatre teacher, Ms. Oliver, wants us to find a monologue that's at least six minutes long. I skimmed through websites and the script books on her shelf and 90% of the monologues are three minutes or shorter. I would find some tearjerking dramatic monologue on a website and it would be around one minute long! Most of the time I would give up and actually USE a short monologue. I would stretch it out like this:

I............ Am................ Soooooooooooo......... Deeeeeepreeeeesssseeeddd. I..................... Have................... No............. Friends...........

Ehh... That's probably the reason why I have a D in theatre. Whenever I actually find a monologue that reaches Ms. Oliver's requirements, it's super cringy. I found one about romance and it went a little something like this-

I look through the window. I see him. My love. My love has beautiful blue eyes and a nice chest. I stalk my love day and night. However our love will forever be locked away in a dark tunnel... For he.... loves another man.

Um... no... Ms. Oliver will question my monologue choice. What's even worse is an ASSIGNED monologue. You're forcing me to MEMORIZE a monologue I never chose or even liked just because it's for a grade?!?! Just... WHY? I remember this one time Ms. Oliver told us to memorize this annoying Shakespeare monologue and I actually recited by memory without stretching the words out... Yet I still got a C. Why you ask? (imitates Ms. Oliver) Hannah sweetie! I'm glad you memorized the monologue but you gotta have character! The highest grade I can give you is a C. gReAt JoB haha.... (stops imitating) LADY I did have a character! My character was an exhausted student attempting to recite Shakespeare! What's wrong with that?!! Didn't she say that I could modify the character any way I want it? What a hypocrite! Plus don't me started with comedic monologues. A synonym for "comedic monologues" would be paragraphs with lame dad jokes and children humor. I'm sorry but am I suppose to find a monologue about a cow jumping over two bales of hay humorous? Or am I suppose to chuckle at a story about a girl getting detention? I get detention all the time, sweetie. Your cartoony reasons for receiving the punishment does not amuse me. The only time a comedic monologue actually makes me giggle at least once is if it has a dirty joke. For example- OH HI MS. OLIVER!!! I WAS TOTALLY NOT TELLING A DIRTY JOKE HA HA HA!! I WAS JUST... um... SINGING KATY PERRY LYRICS! <sing a Katy Perry song> HA HA HA!!! SEE??? BYE NOW! MUAH! (unamused) You can now see what's restricting me from having an actually funny monologue. (points to the left) HER. Apparently, Ms. Oliver believes that dirty jokes that not hilarious. But then how come the judges at those theatre competitions always laugh?

In conclusion, monologues suck! They have no purpose and make the actor feel awkward! I hate monologues! I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! Next time I get assigned with a monologue I'm going to- What Billy? Did you just say Ms. Oliver posted a new assignment on the board? Hang on let me see... "Write a monologue and perform it.... Must be at least six minutes long... Project due next Friday...." PFFFFFFTTTT WHAT!!!!!! I just finished ranting about my everlasting hatred for monologues and now I gotta write one?!?!?!? UGHHHHHH!!! What the heck would I even write about anyway?!?!? A dramatic monologue about a how an orphan girl lost her car, boyfriend, Michael Kors purse, and homework in one day??? A humorous monologue about a whale dancing on the moon??? I DON'T KNOW, A MONOLOGUE ABOUT HOW STUPID STUPID STUPID MONOLOGUES ARE?!?! Wait... (evil grin) I think I can finally pass a theatre assignment.