Lee Know p.o.v.

Chan looks at me concerned. He's worried but he decide to dismiss the staff and other members who had approached. He knows it's better not to have crowds around Han during a panic attack.

It had been months since he had one, but this stadium is too important for us and I think this has put a lot of pressure on him.

I hug him tightly, taking his hands and bringing them to his shoulders, like Changbin did that day in the elevator. That was the first time I saw a panic attack and it was also the first time I saw Han as helpless and felt like protecting him, even though I wasn't ready to admit it to myself yet. That day, in fact, it all began.

I caress him, I give him little kisses on the head. The noise of STAY from the the stands is too loud, so I whisper to him and cover his ears.

Han turns and meets my eyes, his are full of tears. He's so small, my little love...

The attack is over, he can speak and breathe again. And now I know, I know he will collapse.

«Minho» he moans and starts sobbing, shaking like a leaf, «how do I get back there?»

My heart aches, but I must be strong. I caress his face and leave a kiss on his forehead: «Don't worry, let's stay here as much as you need.»

I look around. I would love to kiss him but, although I don't see anyone, we are too exposed.

He looks at me, still shaking with sobs: «Minho, you have to go on stage»

What? Like hell I'll leave you here in this state!

I open my mouth to speak but he blocks me, bringing a trembling finger to my lips: «I would just feel more guilty, Min, please»

In his eyes I read that he already has too much concerns. He wouldn't forgive himself if he made STAYs, who have been waiting for this concert for months, miss both his performances and mine.

I sigh and, despite myself, I nod. The last thing I want is to leave him alone, but I can understand him.

He takes my face in his hands, the tears still flowing from his eyes, but at least the shaking and sobbing seem to have subsided. He hints at a smile, a beautiful smile, one of those that look like the first ray of sunshine after a storm.

«Do you know that I love you so much?»

My heart skips a beat. It still has this amazing effect on me after all this time. 

«Oh really?» I say chuckling.

He covers our heads with the stage jacket Chan gave him, and before I can ask what he's up to, I feel his lips on mine. He kisses me, softly, but desperately. 

It's just us, under a sweaty leather jacket, hidden behind the scenes of one of our concerts, one of the most important fo Stray Kids. Yet, for a few seconds, it's just us.

He is my everything and I am his and it goes without saying.

«Really, you are my world, Lee Minho» he adds, giving me a last peck on the lips. I meet his eyes, barely visible in that pitch dark. And they are so beautiful, so sincere.

He uncovers our heads and the world reappears. The world, the STAYs, the members waiting for me, the concert.

«I love you too» I whisper, wiping his face with my thumbs.

He smiles again, smiles to reassure me: «Come on, now, go!» he exhorts, pointing to the others who are preparing to reappear on stage after the break. They give us worried looks and Han holds his thumb up in their direction.

I nod and, without going even a meter away, I start undressing and changing my outfit to get ready for the next performances.

Han's eyes scan me. Who knows if looking at me helps him to distract.

I smirk and I finish fixing the pants and the microphone. 

«Ready, guys?»

Chan is calling, but I can't take my eyes off my little squirrel. I know he's strong, my boyfriend is very strong, but I would always want him by my side. Not only for him, but for myself as well. I need him too.

«I swear, love, I'm fine. I'll join you in a while.»

His deep gaze reassures me. He is not lost, he is not lost in fear as before. I can see my Han again, the strong one, the combative one, who always gets up despite everything. My Jisung that, despite the heavy burns, continues to embrace the volcano that is his life.

I nod, leaving him a gentle caress on his face.

«I'm waiting for you» and reach out to others.

The concert goes quite well. Changbin and Chan try to make up for Han's absence with their voices, but everyone knows it's impossible. Each of us is irreplaceable.

STAYs notice that he's missing and look at us with worried eyes. And the more the songs go by, the more I want to go backstage and see why it's taking so long. Chan gives me reassuring looks and, in fact, they calm me down a bit.

A time passes that I can't pin down, I just know it's too much, but finally Han makes his entrance again. He comes back at the end of the concert.

I would like to run and embrace him, but I pretend indifference. I give him sideways glances as I wave my hands and throw smiles, now sincere, at the fans.

He bows in apology. He continues to bow and I just want to tell him that he has nothing to apologize for. But again, I understand him. I probably would have done the same.

Finally he takes the microphone and with his usual strength and irony, as if nothing had happened, he says that the energy of the STAYs was so high that he stayed behind the scenes crying and didn't want to be seen like this.

I'm so proud of him. I'm so proud of his courage. He didn't hide his sensitivity in front of the world.

And I'm so thankful to the STAYs, that they make him feel accepted.

He gets a huge round of applause and, at the end of each greeting, he picks up the microphone and with shining eyes he yells: 

«You, guys, are my volcano!» 

My heart seems to melt. And I know that many STAYs skipped a beat too. He wrote that song for them and he's dedicating it to them, right after one of those moments in which our success turned against him.

My God, Han Jisung, I love you too much.

I hear voices in the next room. It's Monday, Chan is probably doing an episode of Chan's room, I think he's up to the 199th. But I hear that he's not alone and, pricking up my ears, I pick up a laugh, the one I'd recognize through a thousand walls. Han's laugh.

I try not to get jealous. Jisung and Chan were the first of our group to know each other and they have a very special relationship. Since our leader discovered his health problem, Han keeps him company whenever he can. He keeps him company and makes him laugh until his cheeks hurt. And even though I miss him, it's those things that make my boyfriend a special person.

After a lot of time, curiosity takes over and I decide to go and take a look at what they're up to.

I open the door slowly and immediately feel Han's eyes on me. He's holding back a smile, while Chan is laughing, as always. I'm happy to see them more relaxed: Han redeemed himself at today's concert, while Chan seems to have lifted 100 kg off his shoulders.

«Here is my husband» Han says in a serious tone.

Husband? It's the first time he's called me that. But I have to admit, I have goosebumps.

I break into their live and it's the most funny I've ever attended. Their energy together is crazy. Han seems to be hyperactive but I know him, this is his way of venting the accumulated tension.

I go back to my room, to wait for them to finish the live alone. While I'm waiting for Han to sleep together, I continue to follow them on youtube from my smartphone. He's so nice, my Jagi, when he laughs. 

As soon as the live ends I hear the door of my room, but to my surprise it's Chan who joins me.

«Han is taking a shower» he says knowing that I always want to know where my boyfriend is, «but I think you should know one thing»

I sit up on my bed and invite Chan to sit next to me, intrigued by what he has to tell me.

Chan has his smartphone in his hand, he was watching the video of the live just ended. He starts to look for a precise point in the live feed, something happened before my intrusion.

«STAYs made jokes about Han's husband, asking if it was you...» he says as he continues to search.

«Husband?» I ask. Maybe that's why he announced me like that when I entered the room.

«Here, I find it! Listen!» he says handing me his cell phone and turning up the volume.

Han's saying we're not married yet and that we haven't signed the papers yet. 

He's joking, it's obvious, but Chan and I notice something that the STAYs can't notice. It looks like his lips are curling up in a smile as he says "Not yet".

My eyes widen and I look at Chan: «Do you think...»

«Yes, I think he's thinking about it.»

For a moment I try to understand what emotions that news causes me. Did I want to be the first to ask? Or am I honored that he takes the first step?

Then I turn to Chan: «And why are you telling me?» If Han was going to surprise me, that's how it's ruined.

«I'm sorry I always have to be the one to killjoy... But we need to talk seriously about it. Will you announce it? Will you keep it for us?»

I nod. I know Chan doesn't expect an immediate response, but he wants Han and I to think carefully before we act. And he's right.

«I will talk to him after one of the two has taken a step»

Chan nods, then his eyes cross mine.

«But Minho, what about you? What would you like?» he asks again. This seems a bit strange to me, Chan never goes into the merits of these things. Not with me at least.

I sigh. I perfectly know what I would like: «I wish we didn't have to hide anymore.»

Chan smiles brightly, pats me on the shoulder and leaves the room.

And I stand dazed staring at the ceiling, imagining a reality where neither of us has to hide anymore.

. - . - . - .

Elle's note:

Here I am with the 34 part! I really hope you are fine, beauties!! <3

And I hope you like this chap! The 35th will be the last, for real this time LOL

Let me know your opinion, don't forget to vote and comment this chap!!

Kiss 

L

PS: The Chan's room 199 is amazing!! I change a little the end of the live <3