Han Jisung p.o.v.

It has been several years since our debut and several years have passed since the beginning of my secret relationship with Minho. We're fine, we really are, even if secrecy weighs on our shoulders every day, the two of us try to support it together, preventing it from crushing us.

We're on our second world tour, could you believe it? Sometimes this doesn't seem real to me. When I decided to audition for JYP, I was a disbelieving kid with an annoying cheeky facade.

What about now? Maybe I'm still a kid, but I have a wonderful band, amazing members, I compose music, which has always been my dream, I travel around the world meeting our fans. I have found the love of my life and I have learned to tell him and show him how much I care about him.

I could never have imagined getting here. And I wouldn't change a thing.

"Nothing?" you could ask me.

Nothing.

And you'll never guess who became my best friend.

Yes, it's him, Hwang Hyunjin.

A few weeks after my fight with Minho due to my jealousy, I found myself alone with Hyunjin, through a series of coincidences. I still don't know if it was Minho, with the help of the little Australian, who combined these coincidences, but in any case it worked. After an initial embarrassment, I had decided to spill the beans.

Flashback

«Hyunjin, I need to talk to you.» I say, sitting down on the sofa beside him.

Hyunjin raises an eyebrow and makes one of his usual disgusted expressions. I immediately feel like headbutting him.

Keep calm, Han, keep calm.

«Do you have a crush on Minho?» I say, straight to the point. Quick and painless, right?

Hyunjin looks at me as if I were a ghost and I don't understand if his reaction disproves or confirms my suspicions.

«Are you kidding me, Han?» he says, turning his body towards me. Finally he's giving me attention.

«In no way.» I say serious, without letting go of his eyes for a moment.

«Well» he starts, holding my gaze, «absolutely not.»

I scan his eyes again, looking for the shadow that lies usually carry with them. But I can't find it.

«How can I believe you?»

«It's the truth.» he says grabbing the TV remote, «It's not my problem if you don't believe it.» He wants to close the conversation, he's had his say and he's fine with that.

The problem is that I'm not.

I block his hand and he looks back at me, but I don't even allow him to speak.

«If you care about Minho, that's your problem too.» 

Hyunjin sighs and waits for me to continue. I have his attention again.

«Our last fight was because I was jealous of you.»

It costs me an enormous effort to confess this to him, to admit that I'm afraid of him and this could be a risky move. But I've learned that holding in doesn't help, ever.

Hyunjin's gaze seems to soften a little: «You? Jealous of me?» he asks, blinking, «And why ever?»

I roll my eyes: «Have you seen yourself, Hyunjin?»

I start counting all his qualities on my fingers, announcing them in a bored voice: «You are handsome, tall, elegant, sexy, sweet and you are a dancer like Minho.» then I point at my body, «And look at me! How could I not be jealous of you?»

A flash crosses Hyunjin's eyes and it reminds me of something... It reminds me of a certain guilt I've seen in someone else's eyes before.

«I don't know why you hate me, why you said so much behind me, I know I'm not much, but also if I don't deserve Minho, I love him too much» I continue, as I fight against the tears in my eyes. I don't want to cry, not in front of Hyunjin.

His face looks even more shocked and for a few moments he stares at me in silence. 

«I had no idea of this...» he murmurs, running a hand through his hair, «Han, you always seem so confident» he watches at me again. «I don't know why you have such a low idea of yourself, but I envy you so much.»

I open my mouth in disbelief. 

He envies me?

«What?» I slur.

«I envy your talent, your voice, your funny character.» he continues. I've never imagined hearing him say such things.

«I owe you an apology.» he speaks again, not giving me time to understand all of his words, «I dumped my personal problems on you, saying horrible things that I don't even think.»

He pauses, as if weighing his words, and raises an eyebrow: «Of course you are chaotic, you always scream, sometimes I would gladly choke you, but you are a beautiful person and a fabulous artist. So...»

He gently grabs my hand with his, making me cross his eyes: «I'm sorry.»

I look down at my hand in his and swallow, trying to process everything he's told me.

He doesn't hate me, I don't disgust him, he even envies me...

«And so why?» I ask, feeling my tears finally running all over my face. I can't hold back, no more.

«I've never had a brother, Han.» he says sighing, «And Minho was the first to treat me like one. He was my first hyung and, it's stupid, I know, but I was trying to please him.»

Everything seems clearer to me now. How he always tried to please Minho, how he always proved him right, how he was always around him...

«I have no love feelings for him, I assure you.» he repeats, nodding as if to reinforce his words, «I just wanted to be admired by him, appreciated, like I've never been before.»

His eyes are lost towards the window and, as movies teach us, when this happens the person is usually thinking about his past.

«My parents are very strict people and it was rare for me to receive compliments by my family. Minho makes them for me, often. And I know they are sincere.»

I nod and feel sad for him. I know it's time to say something, but I don't know which words might fit this moment. Every sentence that comes to mind seems like a banality to me. "But you're amazing" or "All the members admire you" and so on. Superficial sentences.

«I'm really sorry.» he adds finally, releasing my hand and wiping away a single tear that has formed at the corner of his eye.

«It doesn't matter» I murmur and I can think of only one thing to do.

I approach him and without thinking, I ask in a soft voice: «Can I hug you?»

He looks at me with wide eyes and he immediately approaches me and hugs me. We huddle, like two brothers, like two friends. He holds me as If I were the brother he never had and I hold him like the one I had used to hug me.

«I'm younger than you, but you can consider me your hyung too, if you want» I say pulling away from him with a smile.

«Holy shit, why are you so sweet!» he snaps, rubbing his eyes, «I feel even more guilty»

«Mmh do you want to make it up to you?» I say, with a smirk.

He looks at me suspiciously but nods. I pull out my little finger and he hesitantly intertwines it with mine. 

«Promise me to be a good hyung for me.» I say with a smile.

Hyunjin blushes slightly. I've never called him like that before and he doesn't know, he doesn't know yet what this word means to me but he seems to understand that it is important.

«I promise, Jisung»

We look at each other. We both have wet face, red eyes, serious and a little embarrassed expressions. We burst out laughing for the situation and hug again.

«You are stupid» I tell him jokingly, stroking his hair.

«And you are unbearable» he adds, patting my back. 

I pull away from him and grab the remote: «Movie?»

«Sure, but don't you dare put a horror» he says with a grimace.

«Okay, princess» I kid him, choosing a Marvel film that pleases everyone.

«However» he says, before the opening theme ends, «Minho loves you and you deserve each other. Don't doubt it, please.» he says with a sweet smile, stroking my knee.

I feel invaded by a familiar warmth.

This is exactly what my brother would have told me.

I crouch next to Hyunjin who makes a disgusted expression but doesn't push me away.

«Just this time, bitch» he grumbles, stroking my hair.

End of flashback

I'm shaking. There are too many, too many people and I can't even see them from the stage. The stands are huge, shrouded in darkness. I can only see these thousands of lights. They are beautiful, they are our STAYs, but they terrify me too.

Minsungers think I wrote Volcano, my latest single, for Minho. But it's not like that. I wrote it just for the STAYs.

I love them, I love our fans, they give me life, they give me everything I have. And I love my job and my life, but all this often hurts me. Sometimes all this is too much.

They are what keeps me alive and what burns me all the time.

There's a break now. We're at the Kyocera Dome, a really big place, a stadium where we've wanted to perform since the very beginning. And I didn't sleep last night, I couldn't sleep a wink because of that.

I hole up backstage and feel my breath becomes heavy. Minho is right next to me and he obviously notices. He puts a hand on my shoulder and looks at me worried.

«Jagi, are you okay. I'm with you.» he says, while caressing my face. But now it's late, the panic attack has begun.

I sit down on the floor and hug my knees to my chest.

Minho squeezes me, while Chan has noticed the situation and has grabbed one of the stage costumes to put it on my shoulders.

I can't breathe, I can't hear their voices anymore, it's all far away, muffled.

I'm terrified.

Elle's note:

Hi beauties! I finally decided: there will be 3 more chapters of this fan fiction, which will end at the 35th. Are you happy?! (Make some noiseee!)

LOL

So, how are you? 

No, wait, how really are you?

N.B. The moment I got inspired from didn't happen at Osaka, in Kyocera Dome, but in Australia, this february. I've been really worried about Han, but we all get swept up in emotion sometimes. But if it happens, if panic attacks or similar things happen to you, remember: get help.

It's okay to be helped.

Next chap: in a week!

L