"P-P-please hear what I have to say first," I mumbled out pathetically. I wasn't sure how I'd gone from I planned to ask for Logan's forgiveness to berated his feelings, then ran away and brought back, but I wanted him to know everything.

And then see if you still have the same feelings.

At the rush of negative emotions that thought churned inside me whenever this topic came up, I clapped my hands over my eyes and rounded my spine. With slow, uneven breaths, I fought against the urge to ugly cry freely, but flinched when a pair of warm, rough hands gently wrapped around my fingers, lowered my hands, then led me one slow step after another until we sat across from each other.

Once the sofa's springs groaned under our weight, two blue eyes, deep with concern, looked down on me while Logan's hands lowered mine to my lap. After he gently squeezed them like a silent assurance he wasn't going anywhere, he released my hands and shifted slightly back.

"S-sorry," I whispered and averted my eyes.

This is embarrassing. He's probably really confused because I've made everything about me.

"Ellie, I'm sorry," his voice softly washed over my ears. Warmth wrapped under my chin when one of his hands guided my gaze back to his. The tortured look in his eyes tightened my chest like a vice grip and I inhaled sharply. "I shouldn't have teased you so much this early. Me being here is a lot to deal with and part of me just can't help it. I'll -"

"No." I curled my fingers around his and lowered them to the sofa between us, where I tightly squeezed his hand. "I... I'm the one who should be sorry. Two years ago, I... shouldn't have done... what I did."

His gaze softened when I cupped my other hand up to his cheek. "I'm so sorry," I whispered as two lone tears trickled over the corners of my eyes. "Cutting you off, I was... wrong. So wrong."

"Ellie..." He pressed his larger hand over mine into his cheek and stared at me without a blink. His blue eyes looked so vivid, like a waveless ocean on the clearest summer day and I hated myself for the emotion that I'd put in them. "You were in a shitstorm, anyone -"

"No..." I swallowed hard and fought against the inner wall of restraint and self-preservation that resurfaced whenever our past came up. "I shouldn't have treated you that way, you... didn't deserve that. I could barely function but I definitely didn't handle things well between us."

If anything, my teasing with Logan also pointed out another obvious fact.

Still not handling things that well.

"With what you went through..." Logan's jaw clenched shut under my palm and the guilt that lingered in his gaze tore me up inside. "I saw what happened... I wanted to be there for you, but -"

"But I pushed you away," I finished for him. While the explanation felt stupid as the words passed over my tongue, I offered, "I thought it was best."

"I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt..." His hands moved, gently cupped around my jawline and, like he used to do, his thumbs stroked gently over my cheeks. The rough pads of his thumbs dragged the remnants of my tears away and he held me as gently as porcelain. "But I know why you did it."

"Y-you do?" My tears beaded up again, blurred the concerned look on his face that I still hadn't convinced myself that I deserved from view, and spilled over freely. Raspy breaths heaved my chest unevenly, but I sniffled in and breathed out slowly. To Logan's credit, he sat silently, just held onto me until I calmed down.

"B-b-because..." I pulled back out of his hold and swallowed hard against the emotions that painfully churned inside me. My fingers twitched to snap my right wrist band, but a warm hand left my face and clamped down before I reached there.

My eyes dragged upwards until they met his, which were full of unreadable emotions. I took in a deep breath, then started slowly. My words choked with emotion and came out in nearly inaudible confessions.

"I wuh-was weak... b-broken." My lower lip trembled violently but I squeezed my eyes shut and used every ounce of strength I knew wasn't there when I admitted, "And, even today, part of me still is. I mean, look at me. I bolted at the first sign when you apologized, then opened up about how you feel."

"No Ellie," he said softly but firmly. "You were stronger than you think. You thought you were saving me from your drowning. Because your heart is so fucking big, you tried to spare me."

I had no answer for him whatsoever, because no part of me was ready to believe his words were true. So I just stared, unblinking at him like I still hadn't accepted how he was really here, let alone forgave me, and even further, understood me. Even through the blurriness of my tears, he sat here, right in front of me, and looked at me like no one else in the world mattered.

He can't be that kind, that forgiving.

Before I answered, he continued softly, "You were wrong though, Ellie."

I must have looked at him like he'd grown another head because a spark of recognition flashed in his eyes. Right when my lips parted in protest, he only needed one shake of his head and froze my intentions.

"You were wrong years ago and that look of doubt you're giving me now is wrong," he said with the crushing weight of years of emotion, pain interlaced with sadness, threaded in his voice. "Years ago, breaking up with me really fucking hurt. Seeing you upset hurt too, but nowhere near as much as me not being with you."

"I - oh... what?" My eyes flipped open at his candid words, which paralleled his brutal honesty that I not only expected but respected him for.

His words sunk deeply inside me, like weighted stones that dropped through my well of negative emotions until they were completely submerged. All this time, I thought I'd spared Logan's feelings but instead, I'd hurt him further. The realization pinched my heart with guilt.

I thought cutting him off was best for him.

How could I have been so wrong?

"Before you start to feel guilty about that..." His lips twitched into a soft, knowing smile. "Do I get a say in this? Because my answer is still no more leaving. Stay and work things out."

Since I knew my newly displaced emotions were all over the place, I just nodded silently. His hands lifted again and reached out in slow motion like he was uncertain of my reaction. I only sat still but tensed slightly when the warmth of his hands wrapped around my jawline again. The familiar way he held me and the warm affection behind his eyes blurred under a welt of fresh tears within mine.

"I know you think you're different Ellie, but so much of you hasn't changed," he started in a low voice. "I've seen it. You're not afraid to chew someone out. You're smart, hardworking, and quietly, stubbornly independent. You stick up for your friends, even if it means going against their own faults. You love through your actions and anyone who falls within your small circle of who you allow to be important to you is really fucking lucky."

With soft, gentle strokes from the pads of his thumbs, he cleared away my tears. My breath turned shaky, almost ragged, and my heart pulsed wildly within my chest at how his gaze never wavered. His strength was contagious and pounded realization after realization into me.

When we first dated, I wasn't confident about myself within our relationship. I had a few moments, experience turning down guys' advances, but generally wasn't outspoken or overly affectionate with him. But Logan's unconditional support and his acceptance without judgement had encouraged and fueled my confidence forward.

"You... saw all that in such little time?"

And now... the longer I stared at Logan, the less jumbled my thoughts became. While I sat and said nothing, my lingered sense of guilt and disappointment that drove my self-doubt quieted down slowly in the back of my mind. Like a ray of sunshine that streamed through the darkest of storm clouds, one silent but determined nod from him and my thoughts became the clearest I remembered in years.

When I'm unstable, he's certain.

Where I have doubts, he has hopes.

And when I'm aimless, he's my direction.

That... never changed.

A shadow of a smirk crossed over his lips, then the corners twitched upwards, just once. "Well," he started slowly. "You are my wife..."

An uncontrolled giggle escaped my lips, then another. Then I couldn't have stopped the laughs that erupted from deep in my belly if my life depended on it. After he understandably looked me like I was crazy, Logan joined me, slow and apprehensive at first. 

Laughs led into laughter until we practically choked off our own oxygen. We stared at each other, laughed heartily, and gasped with shared relief like two escaped prisoners who'd carved out their escape tunnel with spoons and finally broken through to sunlight.

I'm still terrible at analogies.

"Stop," I choked out and whispered hoarsely. Despite the heaviness of our conversation and the uncertainty that still swirled inside my stomach, I couldn't have hidden my smile no matter how hard I tried.

The irony in how Logan's transfer and arrival here was exactly what I needed so that I realized that he was my direction hit me like an emotional smack in the face. The gut-reaction, sarcastic response to my 'husband' that played on the tip of my tongue was completely wiped out of my mind by what he did next.

With his eyes locked on mine, he leaned forwards and gently brushed his lips over mine with a level of hesitation that melted my heart. The feather-like touch tingled my lips so softly but felt stronger than if he'd kissed me with the fervor that only our lost time encouraged.

"When you love someone like I loved you Ellie, you take all of it." His warm breath washed over me with his whispered words. "I want all of it with you again, to know you, really know you Ellie... Even your darkest days are better than any without you."

When a silent gasp parted my lips, he pressed a soft kiss over each of my damp cheeks, then the tip of my nose, more firmly each time like a reassurance of each word. "All - of - it."

Since the fact he'd rendered me speechless was obvious, his mouth pulled back into a soft smile.

"I'm willing to wait as long as you need, Ellie." He lifted his head slightly, then his warm breath washed over my nose and cheeks when he whispered into my forehead, "But that's why I'm here. My excuse is football, maybe even school, but..."

My lips parted slightly but any and all words froze inside the back of my throat. Instead, my hands reached up and clung tightly to his wrists like he was my lifeline. His eyes never blinked with his next words.

"You're my endgame."

Right when he pulled away, I saw the slight look of apprehension in his eyes, like he feared he'd revealed too much. That emotion stole any thoughts and words of reassurance that I held inside, but I leaned through the distance between us and my actions spoke for themselves.

With trembling fingers, my hands threaded up behind his neck and pulled his mouth flush with mine. When my lips touched his, I inhaled sharply and my pulse buzzed in my neck. My lips were dried out and salty from tears, but I kissed him with the intensity of all the words that got stuck, that I couldn't yet say but desperately wanted to.

I'm sorry. I waited too.

You're my -

My brain turned to mush as his arms wrapped around my waist and he pulled me closer. He took his time and kissed me slowly, deliberately. There was no rush, no forcefulness, just... enjoyment. His clean scent washed over me like waves of reassurance and he tasted and felt like a place I couldn't believe I'd ever left.

His mouth moulded with mine, tears and all, and moved like no time had separated us. He kissed exactly as I remembered. The softness and warmth of his mouth against mine was just like I'd cried over and missed every day since the last time I'd felt this. Gently and slowly, his mouth moved over mine, like a reunion I didn't know I'd craved.

The firm, insistent press of his lips onto mine, the pull of his hand on the nape of my neck, and the warmth of his breath over my skin radiated pulses of electricity throughout my body. The velvety soft texture of his hair against my fingers, the warmth of his strong, muscular body pressed against mine, the gentle sweep of his tongue over my lips -

"Oh gosh." I broke off with a gasp because this situation, among all possible ones, was probably the worst one for me to have kissed him in. "I'm so sorry, I shouldn't -"

"It's okay, Ellie." He exhaled sharply then, before the trembles in my lower lip drew his eyes' attention, his arms wrapped warmly and securely around me. "It's okay. We have all the time you need."

He whispered the words over and over, which had the opposite effect on me at first from the sense of doubt that rose inside me in response. Quivers spread across my shoulders and down my spine while I tightly clutched onto the fabric of his T-shirt. Tiny blots appeared on the light gray material from the first set of tears I cried that weren't actually sad, more like aftershocks from the emotional release, but he only silently hugged me against him and took all of them.

My chest pitched as I took slow, deep breaths until the raspiness subsided. Logan never wavered, only his hands moved across my back with deliberately slow, soothing reinforcements of all the reassurances he'd said. Once the tension inside me broke and subsided, only one thought registered over and over in my brain.

This is what starting over feels like.

And, since the first time I'd seen Logan again, I looked at him not with apprehension, doubt, or lack of self worth. Instead, dull flickers of warmth sparked inside me until only one emotion pushed forward in the form of a shaky smile.

Hope.

He returned my uneasy smile with a confident one, parted his lips, then hesitated. While one hand swept down the side of my left cheek, his eyes never left mine like he waited for a reaction. "Can I ask one favor?"

"After what I dragged you through tonight, of course," I replied lightly, but the seriousness never left his eyes.

I knew the heaviness of our conversation had taken its toll on both of us, the hour was late, and he'd played a night game just a couple hours prior. But I wouldn't have guessed his request for anything in the world.

"Sleep with me tonight, Ellie."