Well guys, I have just been diagnosed with a mental illness (not self diagnosed, actually diagnosed by an actual doctor)

Excoriation Disorder, also known as dermatillomania.

What the fuck is that?

Skin picking.

Now I'm sure you're all like What the fuck, I do that too. You aren't mentally ill. And you're right, we all do this. We all will occasionally pick a scab or some acne spot on our face/bodies from time to time, but dermatillomania is a next level kind of skin picking.

It's an OCD disorder where you cannot stop, and this skin picking is "triggered" by either stress, anxiety, or depression (I'm sure there's more but those are the big three), and most people do it because they feel that they have an imperfection of some kind, and must scratch scratch scratch all the time to get rid of an imperfection that only they can see. They scratch themselves to the point of bleeding and keep going. Most of the time these episodes are preceded by a tingling or pressure sensation that urges them to pick in order to find relief.

I have a "moderate" form of this disorder, and "luck for me" it's centralized to only one area of my body; I pick at the inner parts of my thumbs where my nail meets the skin. I can rip and good half a centimeter thick, half a centimeter long chunk out of my thumb, and I enjoy the pain. It's pleasurable to me and I only feel relief once I've done so.

Isn't that completely fucked up?

Since my "condition" is in a moderate form my doctor isn't too worried about me for the time being. Like yeah, it's horrible that I rip my own skin off to feel some kind of relief but, unlike a lot of sufferers, it isn't interfering with my every day life. I can deal with this, and I will say that most of my "episodes" don't involve bleeding; most of the time it's not too bad. But don't get me wrong; I bleed often, just not all the time.

And you know, my mom has always been telling me "just don't pick your thumbs," but that never helps. Resisting the urge actually makes it worse, because the longer I go without doing it the more I rip off.

Another thing: most of the time, I am only vaguely aware of what I'm doing until something - pain, blood, or even hearing myself picking - draws my attention to it. Sometimes I'm like oh shit, when did I start doing that? And other times it's like Shit, I need to stop doing that. The latter is when I can actually recall when I started, even though I never really consciously started.

A lot of mental illnesses are like that, and unfortunately most of them are a lot worse than just enjoying the feeling of your thumb throbbing in pain after you make it bleed (I know I sound psychopathic, but it's the truth). Mental illness comes in all forms of all degrees; don't let yourself get to you. Even before I was diagnosed (I've had this my entire life and just now got diagnosed, I'm sure you smart cookies can do the math) I knew this was a problem, but I also knew that as long as it didn't become life-threatening, I would be okay.

If your illness does become life threatening, please seek help. Please be aware that if you go to a medical professional they will not question you. If you are self-diagnosed, well, that's a whole other issue. But if you have an official diagnosis, the doctors will not brush you aside like everyone else. They have been trained for a huge chunk of their life to never doubt the severity of mental illness. So do not be afraid to go to your doctor.

Now, if they do doubt you, they are a shit doctor. It's not you, it's them. Go find someone else who will take you seriously. Because if they're a good doctor, they will.