Dream #17

"I'm not crazy," I assured Layra for the fifth time.

She sighed for the fifth time and adjusted her glasses. She was talking to me as if I were insane. I'm not!

"No one is saying you're crazy, Kei. Calm down and tell me what happened in your dream," she yawned patiently.

When I looked at the wall clock in her office, it was already five o'clock in the morning. I remembered what had happened prior to my dream. I skipped the pill, and it worked for the second time. I had a dream about Kaiden, but it was unlike any other dream I'd had about him.

After my mother and Layra brought me to her office so early, I had already calmed down. I kept crying and sobbing, but I eventually stopped. I'm so exhausted that I'm afraid if I cry too much again, I'll collapse.

But thinking about the dream makes me want to cry again. It keeps playing in my head and I can't make it stop!

"Did you skip the pill, Kei?"

I didn't respond. It's clear I skipped the pill! I wouldn't have dreamed about Kaiden if I hadn't.

I'm hoping that was just a dream. I'm hoping to dream of him again soon... I hope La Mercia is all right, and I hope Kaiden is alive.

"You should speak up, Kei. Let's not waste each other's time here. I haven't had breakfast."

I raised my head and locked my gaze on her. I was also hungry, having awoken at four a.m. from a nightmare. Mom called Layra right away because she didn't know what to do with me and I was almost throwing tantrums.

"All right, I'll tell you everything... But let's eat breakfast first," I suggested, and she nodded and smiled.

We returned to her office after finishing breakfast, and as I sat in her office's comfortable chair, I sighed and looked around the room.

"I hope you don't leave anything out, but I understand if you do. Tell me everything, Kei. I understand what you're going through."

"Remember Kaiden?" I asked, not looking at her. Looking at her will cause me to overshare, so I'll just say the basics of the dream.

I continued speaking despite seeing her nod in my peripheral vision.

"I admit it, I skipped the pill. It wasn't my fault, she never fails to give me the pill every night and watch me swallow it, but I didn't swallow it. I let it stay on my tongue until she left and spit it out. I wanted to dream about Kaiden again. I feel so empty... I didn't skip it just once, it took me two pills to finally dream of Kaiden again."

I couldn't bear looking at her. I'm sure she'll make judgements on me because of it. I was so desperate to do that...

"Now I wish I hadn't skipped the pill..." I grumbled, my heart pounding even harder just thinking about what I had dreamed about.

"In my dream, La Mercia was a complete mess. All the flowers died, the mansion was crumbling and lightning kept striking it, and Kaiden and I were just lying in the grass, not caring what was going on around us. Worse, he grew weaker with each passing minute, and he looks terrible!"

I didn't mind her saying, "Hmm..." and scribbling something in her notebook.

I combed my already unkempt hair with my hand. I drew it a little to express my annoyance.

"He keeps saying he'll just sleep, and I can wake him up after I've done everything I needed to do even before I met him!"

Layra asked, "What do you need to do?"

"I don't know..." I said, trying to let all my pain out through tears, but I'd cried so much earlier that I'm completely exhausted and tears weren't coming out.

"What did you need to do before dreaming of him? What are your life goals?"

"I want..." I came to a halt as I remembered that part of my dream. "I want to finish school and pursue a career in medicine."

"Then that's it," she declared. "While he rests, he wants you to do those things..."

"How in the world am I going to wake him up?"

"You, too, Kei, need to wake up," she said softly.

When I didn't understand what she was saying, I looked at her in bemusement, waiting for her to explain what she had just said.

"You need to wake up. You need to stop living in your dreams, you know you made them all up, but you're deluding yourself."

I was surprised. I was at a loss for words. I kept quiet but continued to stare at her, and she did the same.

I tried to take in what she said. Is this one of those times when I'm in denial?

"I'm awake," I said, as if I was convincing myself rather than her.

"Yes, you're awake, but your eyes remained close. You refuse to believe in the truth. The truth is Kaiden is made up, you know that... The truth hurts, Kei, that's true, but lies are excruciating, and even racking."

After what she said, I closed my eyes. What about Kaiden and I's plans? We have a lot of big plans for the future... I can't just let them go like that. I can't bear the thought of letting go of everything as if it never happened.

"Kaiden is a creation of your imagination. This time, concentrate on what's real. Your mom... She's been worried sick about you. I know how much you love her, she loves you too. She won't bother me this early if she doesn't," she joked, but she kept her cool.

"Kaiden is true."

"He was true, but he wasn't real."

"How is that?"

She gave me a big grin as she pointed to my heart. "If you truly loved him, if you felt the love he gave you even for a short time, it's true, that's love... But he doesn't have a vessel for his soul, so he will continue to live in your heart, and that's why he wants you to continue living your life like before you met him."

Unconsciously, I extended my hand to reach for my heart in my chest. I smiled as I understood what she said.

"You're right..."

"Of course I'm right! I'm not a psychotherapist and a psychiatrist for nothing," she laughed.

"Was it difficult?" I asked after she mentioned her occupations.

"Never if you like what you're doing. If you don't give much passion to them, you won't succeed, if you did but you never loved what you're doing, then you'll be miserable."

"You liked what you did so much that you got two bachelor's degrees!"

"Of course, because if I didn't, I won't be here talking to you and giving you your prescription, will I?" she sighed. "See, Kei, doing these things is similar to being in a relationship, if you don't love them, will you stay? Will you force yourself to stay? What are you aiming for? Why are you staying?"

"I'm not sure..."

"To think about it, it reminds me of you and Kaiden."

"Huh?" When she mentioned Kaiden, I looked at her with much more anticipation of what she was about to say.

"You feel like leaving him will be the end, like it's nothing, leaving him means letting go of what's between you two just like that, as if it never happened, but you must know that you're not really leaving him behind..." she said before stopping.

I nodded, encouraging her to continue as I gradually grasped what she was saying.

"Think of a working student who has a passion for her studies, she stopped going to school to work for her family's needs, but that doesn't mean she doesn't like studying or that she doesn't love what she was doing. She'll return, but there are things that need to be done first. Put yourself in that situation or compare it to your situation."

I sighed and nodded. It means that letting go of Kaiden doesn't mean the end of the world or that I don't love him. All I have to do now is prioritize what needs to be done today...

"Do you understand what I'm saying?" she asked me.

"Yes... It's all clear to me now..."

"Listen to what he said. He wants you to finish everything you've started before him."

I nodded once more and looked around her office.

"I want to take medicine after nursing," I informed her.

"Then begin by continuing to live your life. Study, live, learn, grow, and be just like yourself when you were with him. He'll be pleased that you did."

six more sessions later...

"I graduated high school!" I exclaimed to Layra when we finally met in her office for the sixth time.

"I heard from your mom. Congratulations!"

I sat happily in her sofa and was about to settle in when she stopped me before I could make myself at home in the same chair I lie down in whenever I visit her office.

"Actually, Kei, we're not here for a session."

"Huh? Why?" I wondered aloud, giving her a puzzled look.

"I'm finally releasing you, Kei," she said cheerfully, and I frowned.

"Am I in trouble?" I worriedly asked.

She laughed out loud as I sat there perplexed by her actions.

"No, I'm finally letting you go, Kei! You're silly. You're fine now, after our last conversation. You're more than yourself now. You've become the best version of yourself!"

"I still don't understand what's going on... I thought we'd need 12 to 15 sessions?"

"Well, since you've been pretty cooperative and responsive in the last few days, we don't have to finish a 15-session because you look good to me!"

"I do?"

"Yes!" she said, rolling her eyes at me.

"Then... Should I?" I asked, pointing to the door and indicating whether or not I should leave her in the room.

"If you want to, but you can also tell me about your college plans."

"Sure," I said, finally getting comfortable in my chair.