SCENE

INTERIOR: FLAT SET - A WINDOW WITH A COUNTER. AN OLD-FASHIONED DESK BELL ON THE COUNTER. ABOVE THE WINDOW IS A SIGN READING 'RETURNS'.

ACTION: A MAN WEARING A RAINCOAT AND CARRYING A BOX WALKS UP TO THE COUNTER. HE BANGS ON THE BELL.

MAN: Excuse me!

ACTION: CLERK POPS UP FROM BEHIND COUNTER.

CLERK: Can I help?

MAN: (STARTLED) Hello? Yes.

ACTION: MAN PLACES CARDBOARD BOX ON COUNTER.

MAN: I recently purchased this item from your establishment.

ACTION: CLERK LOOKS AT BOX.

CLERK: Ah yes. Our Model 23. A very fine purchase, if I may say so. Well, congratulations. Good day.

ACTION: CLERK DROPS BACK BEHIND COUNTER, BUT STOPS AS MAN SPEAKS.

MAN: Not so fast! When I returned to my domicile, I plugged it in and.

CLERK: And?

ACTION: MAN OPEN BOX. CLERK LOOKS INSIDE BOX, THEN LOOKS AT MAN.

CLERK: Well, that is unfortunate. Good day.

MAN: Not so fast! I wish to return this item for a refund.

CLERK: Ah. I see. Well, you are aware of our policy regarding refunds?

MAN: I am.

CLERK: Then you are no doubt aware that we require a receipt or proof of purchase?

ACTION: MAN PLACES RECEIPT ON COUNTER. CLERK EXAMINES IT.

CLERK: I see. And you are no doubt aware any item returned for a refund must be in its original packaging?

ACTION: MAN OPENS BOX. CLERK LOOKS INTO IT.

CLERK: I see. And you are no doubt aware that we need a stamped copy of the guarantee?

ACTION: MAN PLACES STACK OF PAPER ON COUNTER. CLERK PICKS THE PAPERS UP AND EXAMINES THEM.

CLERK: I see. Well, I am sorry, but I have no choice but to refuse your application for a refund.

MAN: (INDIGNANT) Why?

CLERK: Because it clearly states that this is a lifetime guarantee.

MAN: Oh no! Is that the best you do? Telling me that because this does not work that it has reached the end of its life? That's despicable. You think that you can get away with that?

CLERK: (INTERRUPTING) Oh no. Quite the contrary. The guarantee is not for the lifetime of your purchase. The guarantee is for your lifetime.

MAN: So why won't you give me a refund?

ACTION: CLERK PRODUCES A REVOLVER WHICH HE SHOOTS THE MAN WITH. THE MAN FALLS DOWN, OBVIOUSLY DEAD.

CLERK: Because you're dead. Next?