T R I G G E R W A R N I N G

slight mention of death and self harm

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Eren was allowed to stay with Levi until he woke up because his information stated that Levi didn't have any living family members except for Kenny, who was not allowed to see him for obvious reasons. Levi's wrist was stitched up and he was attached to some IV's because of how weak he was due to the lack of food he had been consuming. Eren stared blankly ahead of him, just above Levi's stomach from where he was sitting and wondered how he had allowed himself to leave Levi and causing this whole ordeal to occur. He stared blankly at the wall ahead of him just above Levi's stomach from his seat as he thought how great it could be if he could torture or punish himself. The reason why he didn't have the strength to punch himself in the face in that exact moment was that he knew that hating himself never helped with anything, and unfortunately he had to learn that the hard way.

Eren was intelligent when he had to be and he knew that being separated from Levi wasn't his choice nor was it his intention, but the guilt he was experiencing was far too immense for his heart and weighed it heavily to the depths of his misery- stained soul. He was drowning in it but he felt that he didn't deserve to be the one who was upset; he wasn't the one who was abandoned. He wasn't the one who wrote an email every day as a mechanism to cope with his loneliness. He wasn't the one who cut his flesh open, making his skin scream and sting. He wasn't the one who tried to drown himself when mutilating his skin just didn't seem to be enough. All of this happened because of him, and he was going to face it and own up to it. He bit his lip to keep his eyes from watering which only made it worse and started up at the blinding lights above him. He reached out to caress Levi's face but pulled his hand back because he felt that he didn't deserve to touch him any longer, that he had destroyed every last chance to do it.

Eren was frustrated, so frustrated that it made him feel even more rage targeted towards himself. He slapped his hands over his face until his skin burned, huffing into palms until it felt moist from his breath. At this point, he couldn't tell whether he pitied himself or Levi, or perhaps a mix of both. He heard Levi stir and quickly removed his face from his hands. With stumbling feet, he sat up and pressed his hands on the crinkled bed sheets as he stood over Levi. Levi's breathing was heavy and it sounded as if his nose was clogged from the cold. His dead eyes flickered open like an ancient lighter and his pupils rose to meet Eren's. Like his body, they were still as a stone as they began to focus more on Eren and soon he figured out what was happening; he was in the hospital attached to machines with an excruciating headache while the rest of his body throbbed because had attempted suicide. Although his body begged for him to keep still, he sat up so that he was on the same eye level as Eren.

With great ease, he lifted one hand from under the covers and slapped Eren violently.

Eren's head whipped to the side as he pressed one hand tenderly to his right cheek and stared at Levi with disbelief before wiping off the shocked expression off his face. He wasn't angry and he knew that he deserved it. If Levi had the energy, he would ask him to beat him up so that he would feel a little better about himself.

As soon as Levi sat up, he collapsed back down. The energy it took to produce such a slap was too immense for him.

"I thought... I thought you hated me," Levi began, his voice barely a murmur. Eren leaned in to listen to him better. "You have a lot to explain."

Eren couldn't take it; he just had to have some form of skin contact with Levi. He reached out to take his hand and pressed a firm kiss to it.

"I'll tell you everything you want to know when you feel better."

"No," Levi insisted. "I'm finished with waiting. I've waited for so long already and if I have to wait another damn second, I'm going to vomit. Just the thought makes my stomach churn."

Eren's eyes softened. "First of all, I want to say that I am so in love with you. Second I want to say that I never wanted to leave you, nor would I even imagine doing such a thing. It tore me apart."

"You hurt me." Although he said this, Levi gripped more tightly at Eren's hand as if afraid this was all just an illusion and that he was going to disappear again.

"I'm sorry. I am so sorry and I can't express my remorse. But nothing will ever justify what I had done to you."

"What was the reason?"

(AN: *cardi b voice* wHaT WaS ThE ReAsOn???!!??!11)

"Remember our last phone call? I told you I was sitting out on the porch or something. My mom overheard my conversation with you and demanded who it was. I confessed to her, thinking that she wouldn't reach so badly because well, she's my mother. I was wrong, so wrong. I never returned from Italy and we moved there. It didn't feel like a home because I spent this whole time in my room. My mom was afraid, terribly afraid that she didn't allow me to use any form of internet in fear that I would reach out to you. I tried to tell her how wonderful you are, how wrong the idea she had of you was, but she wouldn't listen to my protests. Without my knowledge, she monitored my social media, including my email. All of those emails you sent me... she read them, every single word. When she read the last one, she snapped. She couldn't bear it anymore. I guess the guilt finally got to her. She told me everything and handed me printed copies of the emails and I knew I had to reach you no matter what. Of course, I tried to reach out to you before but when I once snuck out to a hotel near our villa with free wifi, I discovered you stopped paying your phone bill. I thought of flying over here myself, but my parents stopped giving me allowance long ago and I have no job because of my horrible mental health, and my mother locked away the passports. I tried to contact you through therapy office, but they would allow it, claimed t wasn't their job and that your information was to be kept private. It was dark and for some time I thought that you would be going to reach out to me even though I was the one who left. I had a strong hope that despite all of mother's attempts at trying to keep me away from you, you would send a sign somehow, and you did but I just couldn't read them. On the flight here I read them all. Every single one of them. Although I can't ever feel the pain you went through, I can relate. It was horrendous, like a persisting headache or living without a limb. You can live with both, but was it really living when you were in pain all the time? I slept all day to try to get my mind off of you, but my mind seemed to only want to dream about you. I understand if you hate me and I understand if you want to leave me, after all, that happened. If you tell me you don't want me right now, I would respect that. It would hurt, but I would listen to your wishes if you're disgusted with me, and I know you are. I... I don't think I would have lived with myself knowing that you killed yourself if you succeeded. If I had been a minute late, it would have been too late. If I decided to take more time to wash my face before leaving for home again, it would have been too late for me. If perhaps I took more time to leave the Uber, you would have been dead. While you were asleep I thought of what it would be like if you really did die. I imagined your funeral and composed a eulogy inside my head. 'He was like the summer. So bright and lovely but not meant to last.' I was so scared. You didn't even think I was real when I came into the bathroom to find you bleeding and almost dead. You banged your head against the wall, so I'm not sure if you remember. I wish I could smash my head against them and forget. I want to delete the image from my memory, the image of you dying..." Levi found himself choking on his words and forced himself to look away so that Levi wouldn't see tears threatening to spill from his eyes. Inside his mind he was screaming at himself not to succumb to the tears, not to bow down to the pain he didn't have the right to feel this way. "I feel so terrible. You don't deserve me, and I still find it incredible how you waited for me. You deserve all things good in this damned, brutal world."

Levi remained silent as if trying to digest everything he just said and let out an elongated sigh filled with raw exhaustion. He looked away and stared down at their touching hands instead.

"I don't want all good things. I want you," Levi gasped out as it pained him to say it. "Perhaps I am a masochist and I love things that hurt me. Because I still love you. It doesn't matter how long you could be away from me. I still love you."

"Don't say that-"

"But how do I know you're really telling the truth? What if you couldn't handle me at my worst and left me at the most convenient time for yourself and only appeared once more because you're lonely?"

Eren stared deep into his eyes and reached forward to grab each one of Levi's shoulders and for a moment Levi thought Eren was angry for accusing him of such a thing. "Do you really think I would leave you for more than a year on purpose? And to do what? Sleep all day? Stay in a foreign country where I know no one? How does that benefit me in any way? You think I enjoyed staying up every night because I couldn't stop thinking about you and then having panic attacks because I can't bear the thought of us being apart. If I wanted to leave you, I would have a long ago. Remember the many times I could have escaped when your uncle captured me? Why didn't I leave then? Why didn't I leave when we shared a home together? Why did I push you into that alleyway that day? Because I am in love with you, damnit."

"Eren-"

"I'm not finished," he interrupted. "Please stop doubting me. I can't bring myself to ever tell a lie to you. I understand why you might think I'm not being truthful, but please don't think of me as someone who would ever abandon you again. I swear on my life, Levi, I only want you. You may have kidnapped me in the past but you took my heart too. I'll make it up to you, I promise. I'll make up for lost time."

"You will?" Levi said, doubting again. The year they have been away from one another really created a gap in trust for Levi.

"Of course I will." Eren pressed his lips to Levi's hands once again, lingering long on his palm before sliding his mouth down to his wrist. "I promise I won't ever leave you again, choice or not. I'll get better for you. I'll go back to school and get a job so that we can afford a bigger place without relying on what the government gives us. I'll do it all for you."

"You would?"

"Of course I will," Eren repeated. "Because I can let you be taken away from my grasp and vice versa. It can't happen again. Ever."

"But why?" At this point in time, Levi was thinking doubtfully, but it could also be irrational thinking. Some part of him thought that Eren would run off again, and Levi needed explanations for every single claim Eren told him.

"Because I love you," Eren stated like it was the most obvious thing in the world, and he also seemed frustrated having to remind him.

"Prove it then." Levi was tired and decided to go with the flow. If Eren were to leave again, so be it. If he were to stay with him, that would be more than okay. It was simply Levi's dream to be with him. It was all he ever wanted from the moment he looked down at him when Eren had been sprawled in the trunk of Kenny's car that night. He only wanted him.

I know I said last chapter that this chapter would be the epilogue but how can I, who has a hospital scene in every FUCKING FANFIC OF MINE, pass on another opportunity to write - you guessed it- another hospital scene!11!!1

I honestly do not know why I always write one, because I never create rough drafts or plan out how I write chapters, yet I somehow always write a hospital scene :') there's a pattern going on.

anyways just in case someone might @ me, levi may seem forgetting and OOC lately in this fanfic, but I just wanted to portray his more vulnerable side because everyone seems to always write him as someone tough and sharp. second, depression is a very tiring and bothersome thing to deal with- it's exhausting and can really weigh a person down. he's kind of forgiving because to put it simply, he's tired of fighting.

anyways lol thanks for reading this long ass AN.

-t