The first thing Eren did that night was an attempt to email Levi back. At first, he felt like he knew what he had to write, but once his fingers reached the keyboard his mind went blank. How was he supposed to respond after Levi sent more than a hundred emails which Eren never got to respond to? Was he supposed to apologize? Tell him why he never returned? Although it wasn't his fault, he felt like he lost the privilege to contact him back, like he didn't deserve it. It was three in the morning and the feel of having a laptop on his lap again felt awfully foreign and reminded him of his days in university before he dropped out. 

Levi, I'm sorry. I'm fine and well. I wanted to contact you, god I wanted to so badly, but I wasn't able to because of reasons I will tell you later. I would explain in further depth, but I'm kind of freaking out right now. Please don't do anything stupid, okay? I'll be there soon. I'm coming back for you. I'm coming back home whether or not you hate me for what I've done. I miss you. I love you. Please know I still love you.

It was a short message, but that's how he left it. He wanted to say what he wanted to say to him in real life if he saw him again, which he knew he would. Sending anything through email made him feel restricted. 

The arrow on the screen hovered above the send button and he pressed his mouse with certainty but was greeted by a box on the screen saying that the message could not be sent because the email address he was trying to send it to had been erased. A stone of anxiety fell on his chest as he took a great intake of breath. He felt horrible knowing that Levi wouldn't know that he was sorry until he found him. Guilt flooded his heart as he slammed his laptop closed and set it aside. He brought his knees to his chin as he tried to keep his mind from the negative side of things. He didn't want to imagine what Levi meant when he wrote that he was going on a trip. Out of frustration, he opened his laptop again and vigorously tapped the send button, while knowing it wouldn't send, over and over again until a pulsing pain grew on the tip of his forefinger.

With a loud sigh, he closed the laptop once more and shoved it under his bed so that he wouldn't be tempted to throw it across the room. He crawled under his covers and hug himself to his body as he begged for sleep to take him so that he wouldn't have to think of the bad side of things. He was hurting and perhaps it was because of love. Humans are all masochists so matter why they do or claim to be; they all do things that may have been good but end up harming themselves and then act like they're surprised or wonder why it had happened or question what they had done to deserve such punishment. 

Eren woke up to the sound of his mother stomping up the stairs and slamming his door open. At first, he thought she was angry but figured his soft-spoken mother would not behave this way unless it was of high importance. She was huffing, and her hair was tied up in the messiest bun he had ever seen and she appeared to be flushed and sweaty. A phone was clutched in her hands as she tried to catch her breath. 

"I... I did it," she said as she raised the phone in the air like it was some sort of trophy. "I got the earliest tickets, but it took a lot of arguing and bribing. We need to be at the airport in four hours. Start packing." 

"Are you serious?" 

"Eren, sweetheart, of course, I'm serious. I have the chance to make it up to you and I don't want to mess up again," his mother explained as she pressed the back of her hand to her temple. "Just pack your necessities, I want to be at the airport as soon as possible." 

"What about dad? Is he coming?" Eren questioned as he threw the covers off of him and sprung up.

"No. He needs to watch over the villa while we're gone, and he has work. He'll be-"

"I'll be fine," his father interrupted as he snuck behind Carla and rubbed her shoulder with his free hand as the other held a mug of tea. 

Eren couldn't remember when he last spoke to his father. It had probably been weeks, but his father was acting as they had never grown apart either. 

"Eren, I know you're a grown adult but please listen to your mother while the two of you depart on this trip," his father advised him. "I... I don't want you to be hurt again. I know we may have drifted apart but I still care about you." 

Eren was touched but felt awkward hearing the kind words. It had been a while since he was told a soul cared about him, it hit his ears like a mouth speaking into a battered microphone, echoing like a long forgotten memory.

"I won't mess up this time," he stated confidently. 

"What do you mean 'this time?' You never messed up, to begin with. You were just in love and trying to live your life and there's nothing wrong with that. It was our fault, and I hope this won't end sour. The world hasn't been treating you right, Eren, but you deserve to be happy and that's what we want," his father went on, looking down at Carla and smiled. "We'll help you make things right once and for all."

He didn't exactly pack too well because he was so anxious that he spent the majority of the time checking his phone and thinking of what to say to Levi if he met him again. An hour before he as supposed to leave, he stuffed a bunch of random articles of clothing that he knew would be enough for a few days along with bathroom necessities. He threw on an old sweater of Levi's and his favourite pair of slides before telling his mother he was ready even though he didn't feel like he was ready. He felt so ashamed, so undeserving of having the potential chance of being forgiven. If Levi was here, he would get down on his knees and beg for his forgiveness over and over and over again. 

His father wanted to drive them to the airport but was stopped when Carla pressed a hand against his chest and push him back inside the house. He was exhausted from working so much the day before and Carla wasn't telling him to rest just because she was a kind wife, but because she was truly concerned that he wouldn't be able to drive properly with his sleepy, heavy eyes. It was raining, and there was a disturbing sense of peace that awakened within him as he leaned his head against the window and watched as the small droplets attacked the window panes with their weak liquid bodies. He loved the sound of the water against the windows and just stared blankly at it as the taxi drove off into the dead dark of night with smooth songs sung in Italian playing quietly through the radio. The taxi trembled and bounced from the uneven pavement as the low hum of the car carried him into exhaustion, but he couldn't sleep for he was too nervous, too afraid. The lights from the streetlight poles shined down through the window like wandering rays of sunlight, slightly stinging his eyes that had grown far too used to darkness for too long. Although he was wearing comfy clothing, he felt cold. He shivered and hugged his body to himself and thought about how good it could be if Levi would be the one with his arms around him, his face nuzzled in his neck and mouth against his skin. He quickly waved the thought away, knowing it wouldn't be wise to get hard when he had no reason to. 

The first thing he did when they finally reached the airport was search the area for any sign of a Starbucks shop, and he was lucky enough to find one. Airport food and beverages were always ridiculously overpriced, but he didn't care and just wanted caffeine in his system, he needed to feel more awake. because he was tired of feeling so dead for the longest time. Eren hated airports because they are places of both tragedy and happiness, a beginning and an end. It was probably one of the only places where sadness and joy could exist without interrupting one another. Looking around reminded him of when he and Levi said goodbye for the last time when he promised he would be back before he could even think about it. It must have been torture of the mind and soul for Levi because not speaking the truth was one of the many horrid things a person can do, and he resented himself for it. He bought his mom and himself an iced coffee and handed one to her as she pulled out a book from her carry on bag.

"He used to make iced coffees for me all the time," Eren told her suddenly as he took a wistful sip from his chilly drink. "Back when I got really bad anxiety attacks in public, he would just do whatever I wanted because I couldn't go to our favourite coffee shop without freaking out. "

Carla remained silent. She was staring down at a page in her book, but she was reading it. Eren knew she was listening.

"I was the one who kissed him first. He absolutely hated it and even threatened me," he continued with a small grin growing on his face. "But I know he only reacted that way because he knew that we were in a weird situation. Although he was grumpy and rude, he always cares. When I woke up next to him, the way the sunlight hit his face was an image to swoon over. He was beautiful, he is beautiful. He always looked so vulnerable and his eyebrows wouldn't be scrunched up like when he was awake and his lips wouldn't be pursed. One of my favourite moments was when we would watch Disney movies late at night, the glow of the television on his skin and his smile whenever some corny love song started playing is something I will never forget no matter how hard I try. I hated how sad he looked after seeing me have panic attacks and not being able to do much about it. He pretends he's okay, but whenever I looked hard enough, it was killing him. He detested seeing me that way. He is absolutely nothing like the man who took me away, the one who pinned me to the bed and held me down so that I could be tied up. I don't know that man. I only know Levi."

Carla looked up at him through her reading glasses. Her facial expression was unreadable. "I don't know how to reply to all of that."

"I just want you to know that's he's human too. Surely you already know that because of all of the letters, but I feel that you might not understand completely. I also want you to know that I didn't fall in love with him just because he saved me as most people assume. What I'm trying to say is, don't view him a someone other than his true self, because that is something he is very concerned about."

"I get it. It's the least I can do after everything I made the two of you go through. I'll try my hardest," she promised as she pressed her hand on top of Eren's hand before returning it to her book to flip a page.

He knew that he should have felt better, that everything was fixed and solved, but there was something tapping in the back of his mind telling him that things were not good yet, it was only the beginning of it all, the start of his possible doom. And he hoped with every last drop of positivity in his body that Levi was okay.

life is so stressing rn and I hate how I can't write as much as I want to, especially since this ff is reaching the intense parts. sigh. 

love you all always.

-t