| WARNING |
PTSD AND FEELINGS
OF SUICIDAL IDEATION.

If you, or anyone you know, has experienced or is experiencing trauma relating to the topic of family abuse and domestic violence you are NOT alone.

Lucifer had reacted as I expected he would have.

I wasn't in the emergency room for long, given how I could heal straight away, which it be i had checked out before humans could question anything unusual and he drove to the ER, in a haste, Just as i was leaving. He insisted I have a second opinion, at the hospital, to reinstate i am healthy.

If there is an underlying condition, even if he knew i had super high Devine pain tolerance.

" Lucifer. Like i said, on the way here, it was a freak accident. I'm completely normal. There's nothing to be freaked out about." I am certain i was committing a sin by lying. The bible reads a lie can cause a domino effect of deceit, which turns to mistrust of communication. Well that is what I learned in my time of studying Angel and divinity culture. Lucifer didn't buy my act.

" Anyways. Why do you care? You didn't care in the slightest, two days ago, when we had to pay a visit to that gourmet chef. And after in your own words Can we save this for when I don't have these fine women, here waiting to have a good time, unsatisfied?" In frustration I grunted when I notice I left a hand sized dent in the washbasin of my kitchen cabinet.

Luka, his growth spurt had made him grow to be tall enough to reach my knee caps, barks and his tail wags real hard trotting up towards where I am.

" Hey, boy. You're getting too big too fast." I itched the spot of his floppy ears, where he couldn't reach, and his eyes sparkled.

" I'm sorry, darling, is that.. is that why you were taking your anger out on our sorority girl killer friend yesterday? Because you were mad at me?"

He stated, a glint of guilt crept into his piercing shadowed gaze, shuffling his legs back since Luka tried leaping on him. Tongue out.

I didn't meet his main centralised focused look, on me, and watched Ana help her siblings get a labelled moving box each from outside.

" Cause, Ellie, I didn't mean what was said. I did it to.. it to well.. I.."

Lucifer isn't the type to be speechless. But that wasn't something I was caring for, at this time. I could be mature and have a civil conversation or completely snap at him. I chose the first.

" I was hurt, Lucifer. Even if it wasn't your intent. I thought I did or said something to you and you acted real harsh with me. I didn't like it."

I finished single filing serving dishes Linda had bought, as house warming gifts, in the cupboard moving on and set the glass cups in a strainer. " Don't give me that look. I already feel stupid, for feeling this way, I don't need you to mock me for it."

I mumbled careful as to set the recently purchased utensils, I got for an extra pair of knives and forks incase the ones I stole from home broke, in an assorted place in the kitchen. " What are yo.."

'Now he has his arm around me. Great.' If he thinks this is a form of an apology, appealing to me with a hug and physical touch, he's sadly wrong. " Yay! Family hug! Amy, Aid! Daddy is hugging mommy! Quick before he changes his mind." Seconds pass, before I knew it there are three sets of arms joining in on Lucifers arms. I heard Lucifer groaning out loud.

Amelia hid her grin, which wanted to show itself, looking a few inches from her space in the familial hug to me. She mouthes. ' He's sorry, Mom. It's ok.' Oh. Those little.. did they plan this intervention?

" For the up-tenth time, child, you can refrain from using that word as I am certain we are of no relation. I'd know if you were mine."

Untangling Ana's arm off us, I watched Lucifer lift her up and from how she is holding onto him. it's as if she wants to be held by her father who is out of reach.

I wish there's a way I could make it possible for him to see the truth. Even if I couldn't grasp the facts in front of me. " He is just playing around, honey. Go help Amelia, while I make some lunch. Aidan you as well."

The way her face fell, at the Lucifers dismissal, I wanted to give her the biggest of hugs. Amy and Aidan both were staring at Lucifer as though they were mourning a loss. How hard it must be to be in a timeline, where your father is not aware of his familial ties to you? I sigh.

" A hug isn't going to fix this, you know, Luc. I am not just going to accept a simple apologetic hug. And since when did you ever do.. this?" It was unusual, downright out of character, for him to initiate touch. It's me who does it first. I felt him tighten his hold on me. He'd went back to hugging me right after removing Ana.

" if I have learned a lesson, when it comes to you, or two in our time together its the fact you value honesty. And above all when something is unjust, you are prone to seek out a source of comfort and your answer is usually a hug. So I give you this untimely, and quite frankly enjoyable, hug as my way of saying I'm sorry. I am sorry Ellie, darling."

' Why does he have to be .. why can I not stay angry at him? I'm meant to be disappointed in him.' Ignoring the obvious fact I felt an electric burst of energy, at his touch, and the goddess's voice repeating 'Mate' in my subconscious, I face Lucifer softly pushing him back. Much as I wanted him to be closer.

" Apology not accepted, Lucifer. You can't just expect me to forgive you and to take what you say as an opportunity to think it's okay, to talk to me like the way you did at Lux. I'm hurt."

I argued back, twisting my arms in a shield around my chest. Creating a physical barrier which basically tells him touch is off limits. He didn't know how to react to my words, a flicker of incredulous laughter and surprise left him.

" I think it's best if you just left, for now, Luc. I have go help maze bring her stuff around. Dad will be here in five minutes. He can help me."

I made a deal with Maze, that she and I would be roommates. Considering Maze is one of my closest friends, well I consider her a friend and hope she did too, we would be splitting the cost of rent. She insisted on paying for the full amount but I wouldn't dream of putting that on her. " That is dad here. He's early." Luka's ears flopped on his head, bounding off to the door. Barking. Lucifer adjusts his cuffs.

" Okay. If you want me gone, I will respect that, darling. Do know I am truely sorry for how I acted." Lucifer sauntered off out of the house, just as Nathan came in carrying take-out bags of food from different places. My dad and Lucifer were not on the greatest of terms. I like to think it's because of his title but truth be told I found it hard to believe it was him being the devil. " Nathaniel. Or should I call you your real name, Charles."

Dad rolled his jawbone, it clicked in place.

" Lucifer. Go." I say, pointing out to the terrace he had one foot on. ' Luckily the kids aren't in the same space, to see this.' Aidan, Ana and Amy were surveying the apartments space to see if there were enough living quarters. " Go."

' When am I going to get a break from this.'

~•~

Despite everything being normal, for me, aunt Chloe insist she was the one to take on today's case of a famous actor murdered in his studio. I wouldn't protest, as that was a losing game of course, she is stubborn. Instead I'm at doctor Linda's for a session, waiting on her to finish eating lunch.

Dad drove me here, he said he'd unpack the remaining groceries I bought home and I am thankful to have a father such as him.

tapping on my journal I focused on the sounds of Los Angeles commuting, bustling, city life and car honks to the yelling of pedestrians at a incautious intersection. I sat up, immediately, after Linda came in shooting me a welcoming smile.

" Ellie. I'm glad to know you're still here. Sorry I made you wait, I underestimated how long lunch would be. I didn't want to keep you waiting anymore longer."

I waved her off. She didn't need to apologise for eating lunch. Linda situated her body on the newest piece of furniture, she'd upgraded, and crosses her ankles over another.

" Now. I couldn't help have a sense there's something you are wanting to talk about, over the phone. That is why I brought you in here earlier, so we can discuss it."

Linda places emphasis on our previous phone call before it lead up to today.

I promised myself I wouldn't cry.

Here I am, trying to grasp at the thread of balance between not wanting to scream my lungs until they are scarred or stare blankly pretending I am okay. Even if I'm not.

I'm not okay.

" Ellie. Remember, this is a safe place where your feelings are always valued. There is no judgement. No one will be disappointed in you for talking."

It's easy to force a fake smile and wanting to fall apart just thinking of everything.

" talk to me, please. Ellie, honey. I want anything but to help you. To hear your pain. Let it out, Ellie. Let it out. It's okay, cry."

The verbal confirmation made my body wrack in violent, body vibrating, lost in control sobs I have been withholding myself from feeling and allowed the tortured pain I've felt since I was a human.

The pain of losing myself, my identity. A girl who I used to be before I was Changed to who I am now. " I'm afraid, Dr. Linda."

I said, as I covered both my eyes. Tears stung the very top of my blemished skin that has grown tired and sore from the continuous pain I've endured. It wasn't fair. " I'm afraid I am gonna go down a path of no return. That.. I'm drowning, clawing my way up to seek and desperate for air." I cry, sorrow and the void of sadness I'm falling into weighing heavy on my heart.

" It's tearing me to pieces, Linda. And.. and.. I can't breathe.."

Was I meant to be put in a position of pain, the suffering, I've been handed? Did I deserve it? I knew that I wasn't the perfect daughter.

" I feel like I'm taking one step back, then three back each time I think there is a minuscule of progress." I clenched my jaw, trying to hold my tears back as I've felt exhaustion from crying. I just want the old me back. " when.. I was there that day, when it happened. I thought he'd.. he would kill me. I wanted him to kill me because it meant I wouldn't have had to deal with him."

Sobs wrecked my heart and soul, I could've sworn I heard a murmur in my heart strings and then collapsing in result to my crying.

" I am reminded of it each, and every, day I am around the department. Or in the safety of my home, which doesn't even feel safe no more. I hate it. I hate it, Linda. I just want it to stop. It is killing me."

Linda lips began quivering, overwhelming with a consolation that mirrored mine. She got out of her seat. " Ellie. Ellie." Linda sat next to me.

" It's not your fault." She soothingly reinstated.

" Okay? it's not your fault. None of this is your fault. None of it."

It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault.

" You are a Survivor, sweetheart. You survived an awful, traumatic, ordeal. That is what makes you strong. That's what makes you a strong woman. You are here, right now, and I am so grateful. You've been handed life's worst but you came out of the darkness a Warrior."

It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault.

I leaned into Linda's awaiting arms, weeping. I trembled hiding my eyes in her shoulder.

I am sure her clothes will be soaked by how much I have cried. I feel selfish for the thought of how I wanted to be in Lucifers arm, even if I'm still disappointed in him.

" It's not fair." I muttered, tiredly. " it isn't fair. Why me?" I had buried my faith I could be normal again. Time supposedly heals all wounds, but the scars wouldn't heal properly. Not ones which I felt that have cut deep into who I use to be. It would be extremely hard to find myself again.

' I want Lucifer.'

~•~

Entering the main foyer, of the police station, I sensed a shift in the air. More tense. There was a loud silence, which follows, as I scoured the cubicles of officers and investigators. I nearly jumped, out of my skin, when Mazikeen all of a sudden velcro herself to my side. On-guard.

" I don't wanna scare you, Lizzy, but one Lucifer's brothers is out to get you."

Uriel. Right I forgot I was being hunted by an Angel. " I know. Uriel. I didn't want to say that I knew 'cause I assumed Lucifer wouldn't care, considering how he acted before." I used a low monotone voice. Not caring, anymore.

Maze got her demon dagger and swished it around. " Want me to cut him? Just say the word. I don't care if he is my boss. He's got no right to make you feel like shit." A little on the theoretical scale, but I didn't want Maze to get in trouble with the law and cause a scene.

" He is here. Don't turn around. I have her here, all safe and secured, Lucifer. You ain't gotta be here." What is this, The Ellie decker protection unit? Whose next? Amenadiel? I shouldn't say that or it will happen. " I have it handled."

Lucifer swiftly disarmed maze, taking her blade. " Are you out of your mind? Be careful. Nothing sharp nor anything remotely close to anything that could be used to hurt Ellie, should be handled by the likes of you, Maze."

I was seriously reconsidering my choice of who I associate myself with.

Maze, a snarky remark edging to be made on the tip of her tongue, was about to open her mouth but a demonic snarl left her lips glaring at passer-by officers who were trying to get by.

" Calm down, Mazikeen. They weren't trying to hurt me." I softly told her.

" They're just new guys. That is all. Don't scare them. Besides, if Uriel was to show up here, in front of all of the humans, it would be a huge mistake for him."

" Wait. You knew of my brother? How is it you know of Uriel? Did he.. did he try to get to you and you never told me? If so, darling, that's an excellent choice of conversation starters. I need to know everything. These are cosmic and higher forces we are dealing with." Lucifer said pushing past two senior constables chatting on about the office. Maze bucked at the two which the one of the left blinked, confused. " While I know I am not in your good graces, Ellie. This is important. Your life could be in jeopardy."

I shuffled my feet in the direction of the office coffee and snack bar. I'm not a typical coffee consumer, this moment was an exception.

" So! for the next two to three days you can count on either Me, or maze here, to be your guardian devil and demon. Not that she hasn't already been doing that, for me, the past year."

I poured the stale, flat, unsweetened coffee in my desk mug. However Lucifer sweeps it out of my hand and sniffed it.

" You can't be too sure. Uriel is strategic, Darling. He relies on chance. He can create patterns and nothing impossible is possible with him." He explained settling the mug on the bench. " my second point is this's abysmal smelling. Don't drink it. Nor look at it. I will buy you fresh coffee once we leave."

I let go of the emotions I had, temporarily, and hugged Lucifer. Encasing my arms around his torso. Allowing myself to breathe in his scent. I could feel my tension falter from how close he is. My souls felt at home. He returns it. " this doesn't mean i accept your apology. I'm still really upset, Luc."

" I don't really mind, Darling. I know."

JASMINE SPEAKS;

It seems Uriel is up to his old games, again. I never did like him. He was creepy. Just plain old weird and a character you wished would be better off without. An after thought. What did you think of Ellie and Linda, in that scene I wrote where she is crying her arms? If's any correlation I had the same relationship they have with my own psychologist.

Writing Maze is so easy. cause her character is simply 'Stab. Stab. Bad ass demon. Stab.' I can have fun writing her. How do you like her with Ellie?

Ellie is my girl. I want to protect her from everything.

I feel bad for putting all of the trauma she has onto her.