Tw: murder and suicide

Awsten's POV

"You go." I say sleepily nudging my partner. "I went last night."

"Go away Aws, I never get any sleep. I always go." Geoff murmers. "You never go are you kidding me? You work late and then stay out all evening and I'm always stuck here!"

"Just go. You're better at it than me anyway." He says, before promptly falling asleep again. I sigh and get out of bed, not looking back at my useless husband curled up asleep. I'm only better at it than him because he never has to do anything! He just goes out all day and night and I'm alone here. Well, not alone but it feels like it.

Pushing open the door to our daughters room, the crying gets louder and she becomes more agitated. I look down at her scrunched up face, screams forcing their way out of her lungs, and struggle not to cry myself. I haven't slept in five months, I haven't had any time to myself and the only time I've been outside is to go to the store. I'm useless.

"Shh baby it's ok, Mommy's here." I stroke her face and held her hand but she continues to cry. "Lena please calm down." I try giving her a bottle and changing her but nothing works. I'm ready to just give up.

For nine months I carried her. I told myself that when she was here I would be the best Mom I could be but I wasn't. The second she was given to me I felt nothing. She didn't look at me, didn't cry and there was nothing. Now I can barely bring myself to pick her up. I know what she needs but I can't give it to her, I can't hold her close to me. What kind of parent hates their child?

I'm a horrific parent. I don't want my daughter, I used to but now I don't. I'm fucking twenty years old and I got married at eighteen. I thought it was what I wanted but it's not. I don't love my daughter and I can't stand my husband anymore.

"Lena sweetheart what do you want? What do you need?" A tear rolls down my cheek, falling onto her skin. For five months old she can scream pretty loudly, how is Geoff still asleep?

Five minutes pass until I snap. "You know what? Fuck you Lena. I never wanted you and I don't love you." I see red and without a second thought I grab the small cushion next to her head and place it down over her face. She thrashes and wriggles around until she stops. Silence falls.

Breathing heavily I remove the cushion and place my hand over my mouth. Lena lies with her mouth wide open, frozen mid scream. Oh my God. My body starts shaking and I collapse to the floor in a heap, sobbing into my arms. She's dead.

A picture of me, Geoff and Lena on our sofa hangs above her crib. It was taken three days after we got home. When we were all happy and in love. When my marriage was still together and my daughter was alive.

On shaky legs I walk across the hall to our bedroom and enter the en suite. The mirrored cabinet sits above the sink, holding my destiny. I open it and take out what I need. Bottle in hand I go to Geoff and plant a kiss on his forehead, scribbling down a quick note before heading back to the scene.

I empty out all the contents of the bottle into my hand and swallow them dry. Disgusting.

For the first time, I pick my still daughter up and hold her close to me. She looks like she's sleeping. Frozen mid yawn I could say. But she's not. She will never open her big blue eyes again.

I lay down on the carpet with her close to me, trying to give her my fading body heat. Darkness takes me by the hand and I let it, but not without telling the child in my arms how sorry I am, but how happy she'll be without me.

"Goodbye Lena, goodbye Geoff. It's been fun."

Dear Geoff,

By the time you read this I'll be long gone. What I'm about to tell you may shock you, unless you already found us then you'll know.

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to I just needed her to stop crying. I haven't slept, I haven't had any time to myself or any time with you. She wouldn't even recognise your name as you were never there. Our marriage ended a long time ago. We were young and in love and thought it was right and what we wanted but I was never what you wanted.

I did love you, once upon a time, but now all I feel is anger and resentment towards you and Lena. I should never feel that, especially not to my husband and daughter. It's not healthy. What I did wasn't healthy. I wouldn'tve been able to live with myself so I ended it. I hope you can understand why.

You deserve so much better baby, someone who can give you the life you want and not surprise you with a child a year after marriage. Again I'm sorry but I hope you know we're both peaceful now and I hope you can learn to love yourself again. Don't work so hard and treat them properly, show them you love them and never let them sleep alone.

We were lucky people to have you Gee, I just wish it hadn't ended this way.

Goodbye Geoff,

Love Awsten and Lena Wigington xox