So you're walking down the street and ——

Someone throws a tomato at you!

Okay, no one is going to understand that reference....

Ahem. Anyway.

What's with the whole "jerk Billionaire with a heart of gold" cliche? Why does he have to be a jerk? Since when is being a jerk sexy? 

Apparently since Wattpad was created.

And why can't he just be socially awkward and have resting grumpy face so everyone thinks he's a jerk but he's actually super nice - and not because Mary Sue "brings out the best in him". Ugh. Just because he's a nice dude.

Also, why wouldn't the billionaire drive - or rather, be driven by a chauffeur - to his destination if he's so rich?

And if he's this famous dude, why wouldn't he have bodyguards? Or limos? Or a freaking car? Why does the MC always bump into him on the street - quite literally?

What if his chauffeur runs her over with the car? Dear lord I need help, that's violent...but it's probably been done before, honestly.

+++

Mary Sue hurried down the sidewalk in her average, middle class neighborhood full of middle class people, with no big business buildings around or high class venues or hotels.

She had just gotten her morning Starbucks, obviously. She had her hair pulled back in a messy bun, and was wearing a baggy sweater and leggings and was reading Harry Potter while she walked down the sidewalk. Because there was no way she would bump into someone because she wasn't watching where she was going. Like, at all.

Suddenly, she hit a wall! But it wasn't a wall! It was a man with a chiseled jaw, jet black hair, and piercing blue eyes who was wearing a suit - a very expensive looking suit - that she had just spilled her coffee all over.

"O-oh I-I'm s-so S-sorry!" She stammered, trying to wipe the coffee off of the jacket, when in fact all she was doing was rubbing it in more.

"It's fine." He said. His voice was pinched and gruff. Oh my god! He was such a jerk!

(Actually, the coffee was just extremely hot and was burning his skin - and...other...places - and it hurt.)

He slipped the jacket off his shoulders, and through his white button down shirt, she could see his bulging biceps and toned abs.

He was confused as to why she was staring at his chest. Rude. And why had she been reading in the middle of a busy sidewalk? That made no sense.

"Good day." He said in a dull tone, before sidestepping her and being on his way.

"B-but w-wait!" She cried, running after him.

"What?" He sighed in irritation. (Actually, he was just nervous about the meeting he was going to. And he was trying to mentally prepare himself for it and had been thrown off by this unexpected confrontation.)

"L-let m-me m-make it up to y-you!" She stammered, not able to look him in the eyes. Those gorgeous, blue eyes that seemed to shine from within his very soul.

"It's fine. I have plenty of suits." He said, his words clipped and tense. (Because he had business to attend to and some random girl had ruined his favorite suit jacket - the only one that he could comfortably bend his arms in - with fucking Starbucks. He kind of hated Starbucks.) 

And now she wouldn't leave him alone, and claimed she was "trying to make it up to him" when he had already told her it was fine. 

"N-no, y-you're clearly u-upset," she stammered.

Ugh. Damn his resting bitch voice. And resting bitch face, for that matter. Or was it resting dick face since he was a guy?

"I told you. It's fine." He tried to give her a smile to assure her he was being genuine, but....

Oh dear. He was grimacing at her. Why was she so horrible? She always ruined everything!

"N-no, I-it's not f-fine," she stammered.

Why was she always stammering? Was she really this anxious and nervous all the time? 

Oh god. What if she had a speech impediment - like a stutter or something. Jesus Christ, he really was an asshole! He had to make it up to her somehow.

He cleared his throat, awkwardly glancing down at her for a split second, unsure of what to do. 

"...what's your name?"

"M-Mary S-Sue," she said, stammering and glancing down at her feet.

"I'm Gavin. Gavin Sherwood." He said, extending his hand to shake hers.

She took his hand - her grip was like that of a dead bird, a.k.a. Very weak and strange - and she looked at his face, gasping.

"G-Gavin S-Sherwood? The G-Gavin S-Sherwood?" Her face was turning red, and he had no idea why. It wasn't unusually cold today.

"Sure...?" What did she mean, "the Gavin Sherwood"? He wasn't particularly noteworthy, he just went to some business meetings in the absence of his father. That's all. And he wasn't even exceptionally good at that to boot.

"Oh my god! I can't believe I spilled coffee on Gavin Sherwood!" She muttered frantically, mostly to herself.

"Yeah, speaking of which...." He dug a hand into his pocket. "Here, this will buy you a new coffee."

Her eyes widened at the sight of the bills he held in his hand. "I-I c-can't."

"I insist."

"Okay," she said, accepting the money.

Well she gave in easily. What if someone tried to get her to do something dangerous, and she was always this easily convinced to do things? What if she got hurt? But it wasn't his place to worry about that.

Why did he always worry about people? Seriously, he was surprised he still had money at this point because he was always giving it away. Wait. Did that sound cocky?

"Good day," he said again, and with a polite nod, he started across the crosswalk. But, to his dismay, she followed him.

"Please let me make it up to you - or thank you for the money," she was saying.

"No, thank you." His worry about her being easily convinced was unnecessary. She was obviously very stubborn. And kind of annoying, honestly. But perhaps she was just awkward. 

Also, she kind of sounded like she was trying to imply sex. Or maybe his mind was just in the wrong place? 

"No seriously-"

"Just stop following me!" He bellowed, "leave me alone! I don't feel like being chatty today!" The looks from the other pedestrians were not welcoming, so he ducked his head and hurried out of sight.

What a horrible start to the day - he had to yell at someone. He hated doing that.

Perhaps he should take his father's advice and stop trying to save the environment and just take a damn car.

+++

Just a little insight into the socially awkward billionaire's mind. I mostly write this rant book to write weird oneshots like this.

Anyway, we just need to stop making these male love interests and main female characters so bland and one-dimensional! Give them some depth - they deserve it. Or at least, the readers deserve to read about people who are actually interesting.

That sounded a little aggressive. I'm not mad! I just have resting bitch writing voice! Or whatever....

The original "jerk Billionaire with a heart of gold" was Mr. Darcy, in Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice. But see, he was written before it was too cliche. 

And also, the thing with Mr. Darcy is, yes, he was arrogant. He was a bit of a prude, a butthole if you will. But Elizabeth gave him the verbal ol' one-two, told him how he was acting badly, and guess what? She didn't talk to him after that for a long time. And during that time apart, Darcy took her words to heart, and worked to improve himself. For the sake of improving himself. 

Also, Jane Austen was kind of making fun of a lot of the books and "proper manners" of the time. So of course she has to stick the, even way back then, somewhat cliche "dark and brooding man" in the story for her feisty heroine to tame.

Just stop making being a jerk out to be sexy. I like nice fellas, I don't want them all to train themselves to be jerks because they think that's what girls want.