Ai did her work as usual in class, she passed her Chemistry test with flying colors, she did well on her English quiz, and she was doing okay in literature. Everything was going okay grade-wise in school, but her relationships were strained.
Reo often came to talk to her at lunch, but when she saw him, what Kuroo said came back to her. The lack of physical intimacy in the relationship made her uncomfortable and insecure. Reo has never once initiated a kiss, it made her feel awful. What was worse was that she knew he cared for her, but she still felt insecure. They went on dates regularly in the following weeks. She had fun, but deep down, she felt unsettled. She wasn't used to relationships with little physical contact. She wondered if she had done something wrong. Her last boyfriend never ceased to pepper her with showers of kisses and hugs, of holding hands. So why wouldn't Reo do the same. Did he hate her? Not talking to him about the lack of intimacy made her feel worse.
What was the cherry on top was that for the past week she couldn't stop thinking about Kuroo. His eyes, his stupid hair, the way she could smell him when he was close to her. The way he didn't judge her over her desires, but for her actions. She barely slept that night when he stayed over. He had spent the next day recovering from his hangover at her apartment, and later that day they caught a movie with Bokuto. Being around Kuroo had always been easy, but it wasn't now that she remembered what she did every time she saw him. It was foolish considering she hadn't kissed him, much less anything else to be embarrassed about. Still, it felt like a rock in her throat.
She sighed as the bell for lunch rang. She had a lot to think about.
After school, they sat on a bench in the park. She turned to him, "Reo-san?" She leaned in to kiss him and he turned away. She frowned and flinched.
"Not in public." He blushed.
"Then when?" She gritted her teeth in frustration, trying to not convey her grief as outwardly. "You never do anything when we are alone." She tried not to speak too loud, she was upset but didn't want to draw too much attention. She knew that if they never talked, she would eventually explode. It seemed like that time was as good as any to completely lose it, while she could still maintain any semblance of composure.
"Ai-san?" Reo had a look of bewilderment on his face, along with concern deep within his reflective, big eyes. They were beautiful, but not the same as Kuroo's sharp, golden eyes. Kuroo had eyes that were playful but concentrated on the court. Reo's eyes reflected whatever she looked at him with. She could see her own angry and hurt expression in his glassy, colorless eyes.
"You're so nice," she frowned, looking away. "You're too nice and you never touch me." She sighed. "It feels like you don't even like me."
"But Ai-san!" He blushed. She felt bad, like slapping a puppy. "I do like you!"
"That's precisely why we should stop seeing each other." She took in a breath and looked him in the eyes once more. She spoke softly, but her voice quivered though she tried to be strong. "I don't ever want you to feel uncomfortable, because I care about you," she rubbed the back of her neck taking a breath. "However, because I am selfish, I don't think I can be with you."
Reo frowned, he still looked confused. He was so cute when he looked like he was about to cry. His ruffled brown hair, his deep and caring eyes, his normally upturned lips. She admired all of those features, but it wasn't enough. As much as she adored how he looked or how nice Reo was, Ai couldn't justify the empty pit in her chest that was unfulfilled. "Reo-san, you deserve someone who can be more at your pace. I'm greedy by nature, I won't be able to stay away from you if I grow any more attached. Reo, you should be with someone who's gentle and kind,not like me."
She expected him to cry, but instead he had a plain disappointed and astonished expression. Part of her realized he saw it coming and this might not have been the first time for him. Ai could tell she was hurting him a lot, but he wouldn't cry. She got up and smiled at him bitterly, dusting off the skirt of her uniform. He opened his mouth to say something, but he must have realized that Ai had made up her mind and wouldn't change it.
It didn't make much sense, what she was doing. Maybe Ai could have gotten over it, though the lack of intimacy might drive her crazy, Reo was a good guy, it might have been worth it if she stayed with him. Perhaps she could have gotten over his reserved nature. But maybe not. Perhaps his shying away from her touch, would gradually stop. Deep down, there was a pit in her stomach that had her believe otherwise. It wouldn't change the hurt and resentment that was brewing inside of her. Though she had no right to expect him to touch her, the lack of boundaries set and the longing for physical contact made her chest hurt when she was near him.
She turned away and walked solemnly from the park and entered a Japanese sweets shop. "Welcome, what can we get for you today?" The old lady said from behind the counter.
"Strawberry daifuku please." She paid for her sweets and continued her walk home. The park was the opposite direction from school that her house was, so she was in for a long walk. This was supposed to be a better way, but all Ai felt was empty. Sure, she didn't like Reo the same way he liked her, but that didn't make it any less painful.
She found a taiyaki stand and bought one and began eating it on her way. She always liked the fish-shaped pastries the warm and comforting flavor of red bean reminded her of her mother. She continued her walk home, her mind was heavy.
The only thing that made her feel better was knowing that Reo would be happier, maybe not today, but her pressuring would cease and maybe he would feel relieved. She licked her fingers and watched her reflection in the glass as she passed by stores and restaurants. She had taken her hair down and it flowed as she walked. Maybe she should have gotten bangs cut like everyone else? Ai thought she looked pretty the way she was. She was beautiful but she looked so plain with her hair parted in the middle, no makeup except mascara. There was something missing. She frowned. Ai couldn't place quite what it was. She was beautiful but vain. Her avarice always got the better of her. She couldn't help but think Reo would have been better off without meeting her.
Ai snapped out of it when she felt soft silk run around her legs. "Ah, Neko-san." She smiled a bit and knelt on the ground and leaned her head against the wall. "You are so cute~." She cooed at the cat, running her fingers through his coat. The cat purred and nuzzled into her hands. She was a bit dazed,staring into nothing as she stroked the cat's fur. The sun was dipping lower and lower on the horizon, it would be sunset soon. She knelt there on the pavement as the suburbs around her bathed in a peachy glow.
"Ai-chan?" Someone called from behind her. Kenma and Kuroo were walking towards her. She didn't realize how late it was, but somewhere along the line volleyball practice had ended. The cat peeped its eyes open lazily and made a round around Ai's legs once more before walking off down the street. She watched the cat saunter away, not a word. She stood up and dusted off her skirt.
She curled the corner of her lip. "Let's go home."
"You okay?" Kuroo asked after they started walking a little ways. She tried not to look at him, she knew if she looked him in the eyes, she would be trapped, he would know all of her secrets.
Ai shrugged, pushing her hair off her shoulder. "I've been better." She steered Kenma further away from a lamp post. Kenma had a good sense when objects were close as he walked but she was still afraid that he might accidentally ram into something. Kenma continued playing on his gaming console. He was going to give her a heart attack one day.
"Ai-chan," there was a warning tone in there that only her mother used on her, "what's actually going on?"
Ai rolled her eyes and pretended she was fine. She mustered up her most convincingly nonchalant voice when she said "I broke up with Reo, though I am not even sure we were ever dating."
Ai didn't want to admit how attached she actually was to him. He had gone out of his way to take her further into Tokyo than she had been before. Even though she wasn't fond of crowds, she was reassured by Reo that everything was fine. In the end, she had a good time and quite a few good meals when venturing into the city with Reo. Next to Kuroo and Kenma, Reo was perhaps the one close friend she had. Now that she had gone and broken up with him, they wouldn't be able to have fun in the city like they did before. It just added to the pile of bullshit her day was turning out to be.
"What?" Kuroo asked, slack-jawed.
"Why are you so surprised?" Ai looked at his profile inquisitively. "You're the one who suggested it."
"Yeah, but I thought you guys would talk through your issues, I didn't think I would actually break you two up."' He said defensively. They had arrived at the apartment complex and Ai had begun climbing up the steps.
Ai sighed and rolled her eyes. "It doesn't matter." She marched to her apartment and unlocked the door. "I think it's all for the better that this was nipped at the bud." She smiled at him. "Goodnight, Kenma, Kuroo, see you tomorrow."
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