I'm scared.

I'm scared that for the rest of my life I will have this unbearable pain on my chest which suffocates me day in, day out. At night it presses down so hard that I am scared I won't wake up.

I want to wake up.

I am not ready to see what's on the other side, I have so much more I want to do.

I want to travel, I want to become a fully published author, I want to find myself and so much more.

But what if I never achieve that?

What if my life is destined to continue down a long, whirl-winded spiral and drifts further away from the light.

There are people around me, yet I feel so lonely. It's hard to formulate words when it comes to describing them because I simply do not know who they are to me. I feel so alone. Like nobody cares. But do they? Or do they just say they do?

I am not everyone's cup of tea, in fact, I doubt I'm actually anyone's to be honest with you. I don't fit in. But I don't stand out. I'm weird but I'm not extremely weird. I'm not skinny, but I'm working on that. I've lost a bit but I still have a long way to go. I'm not pretty, no matter how hard I try, I don't even think money and surgery would fix that. I don't wear makeup and even if I did it wouldn't make me look better, it would probably make it even worse. My skin is not normal, I have psoriasis and it's commonly seen as a contagious disease by people especially when it flares up badly. I wear glasses and have done so since I was one years old. My eye sight is pretty bad. My eyes work separately so I only focus with one at a time (usually my left, so my right eye just wanders on it's own), I have a squint too. I have spots and blackheads. My hair is not straight, but not curly, it's sometimes frizzy, sometimes not. I can't really describe it. It's not all one colour because I dyed it back to brown from ginger and it didn't match my roots so there's now two tones of brown with a major ginger tint (but hopefully my hair will be done this week). I'm taller than most girls (5'7), nobody likes a tall girl apparently and even say you can't be classed as a female, so... thanks, I guess? My feet aren't the best, a little bigger than most girls', I don't like them but I don't really like feet in general. And I'm a fussy eater, so that doesn't help either. But I don't really like eating anymore. I have become opposed to it tbh but will for the sake of appeasing my parents.

I'm not funny.

I'm not talented.

I'm not beautiful.

I don't have a great personality otherwise more people would like me, right?

I overthink everything and anything.

I cry multiple times a day, most of the time I can't explain why, I always cry before I sleep.

I don't sleep much.

I apologise too much.

I annoy people too much.

I ramble/ waffle because otherwise I won't speak to anyone and I don't want the conversation to end. Even if it's messages. There are a few people I really want in my life and I will drag the conversations on and on in hopes they will continue... most of the time they don't.

You can mess me around a thousands times but I'll still keep you in my life because I'm afraid that if I let you go then I wouldn't have anyone at all.

I'm afraid of failure.

I'm afraid of life.

Most of all, I'm afraid of myself.

I don't like who I was in the past, I don't like who I am now, I don't like who I will be.

I haven't changed much because people don't like me either way.

But it still doesn't stop me from loathing myself.