Silence descended over us after the door closed. Nathaniel hadn't moved an inch from the moment he closed the door. His left hand was still pushed against the door while his right hand gripped my wrist firmly, but not to the point that it hurt. I had gone to defend Nathaniel instinctively, but now I regretted it. He needed to get away from me. Far away so that I couldn't ruin any more of his life than I already had. But there was nowhere for me to run now that we were in Auntie's apartment.

Nathaniel's grip on my wrist loosened and I watched silently as he turned and fixed me with a hard stare. His face had transformed into an impassive mask that I'd never seen before and the guilt inside of me intensified as I wondered if he really had come to hate me now. I blinked in shock though when Nathaniel reached down and took one of my hands in his and then pushed my sweater sleeve down, inspecting my wrist. I stood flabbergasted as he did the same thing with the other one.

When Nathaniel's odd inspection was completed he slowly let out a shuddering breath through his nose. I flinched when he leaned forward until his forehead was resting against the top of my head.

"I thought you were going to kill yourself," Nathaniel breathed out in a voice that quivered with more fear than I had ever heard from him before. 

My mouth dropped open in shock, but then his strong arms suddenly were wrapped around my shoulders and he held me tightly against his chest. Tears threatened to spill knowing how much I scared Nathaniel but I forced them back.

I don't deserve to cry in this situation. This was all caused by me and I have to accept that, I thought sternly to myself. I forced my arms that were itching to circle Nathaniel's torso to remain by my side stubbornly.

"That's... not what I meant when I said goodbye," I explained softly. 

Nathaniel suddenly pulled away. The anger that I had been expecting this whole time finally was flashing in his eyes as he looked at me and I waited for him to realize I wasn't worth worrying over.

"What was I supposed to think in that situation, Opal? Wait... then what did you mean?" Nathaniel asked, his eyes narrowing as he looked around the apartment. 

Part of me was glad that he hadn't given me time to start packing, but even if he did know my plan, what difference would it make?

"It doesn't matter," I replied dully, repeating the words he had used just earlier that evening. Nathaniel flinched slightly but then shook his head and gave me an imploring look.

"Opal, PLEASE talk to me. Whatever made you think you have to stay away from me, I can help you through it. Just trust me," Nathaniel pleaded while taking a step toward me.

I met his beseeching gaze and felt my shoulders slump, but I forced myself to remain firm and keep eye contact.

"It's not a matter of trust, Nathaniel," I said sadly. "Nothing good will come of me being near you. I've already caused you enough pain." 

My words choked off as I looked down at his ribs, picturing the large bruise that was there, hidden by his winter jacket. Nathaniel let out an exasperated grunt and ran both of his hands through his hair roughly.

"Opal, you can't blame yourself for that! You're an amazing student. That has nothing to do with my issues with my dad," Nathaniel argued passionately. 

I couldn't help but give him a sad smile. It really amazed me how truly good of a person Nathaniel was. Even after he had gone through such a terrible experience because of me, he didn't blame me at all.

"If I hadn't moved here though it wouldn't have happened," I pointed out logically and Nathaniel frowned heavily.

"I would take a hundred beatings if it meant I got to meet you," Nathaniel said firmly.

I gasped in horrified shock at what Nathaniel had just said. My legs went weak and I stumbled back, grabbing onto the armrest of the couch and sinking down into it as I tried to get my breathing to even out.

"Don't say that," I barely managed to whisper before suddenly Nathaniel was on the ground kneeling in front of me.

"It's true," Nathaniel reiterated, his voice sounding soft and comforting and I looked over at him in horror. "It doesn't matter what I have to go through. If there is a chance that you feel anything for me like what I feel for you then I want to be with you."

His words stunned me and I blinked mutely as he stared unwaveringly at me. Disbelief raced through me at what Nathaniel was implying and I opened and closed my mouth mutely. All I had to do was say that I had no desire to be with him... it would save both of us so much heartache... but the words just wouldn't come. Nathaniel's features softened as he watched me struggle for words and he slowly reached out to touch my cheek for the fourth time today.

"I love you, Opal," he whispered.

Those three words simultaneously hit me like a bag of bricks straight to the gut and made me feel like I was lighter than air. The horrendously euphoric sensation was soon overtaken by a memory that I had long since attempted to bury.

I was watching a movie when I heard the door open. Frantically I searched for the remote, but before I could find it Mother strode into the room and glared at the TV then down at me. Misery gripped me as I inwardly yelled at myself for being so stupid. Instead of screaming at me and sentencing me to no food for a day though, Mother walked in and sat down on the couch next to me. I barely held back my gasp of astonishment as she sat, turning her attention to the screen.

"Turn it up, this is a good part," she snapped at me. I

 tripped over myself in my haste to retrieve the remote and turn the volume up. Not knowing what to do, I looked back and forth between Mother and the staircase.

"Sit down already, you're distracting me," Mother snarled and I quickly complied.

She didn't say another word to me as the movie played, but I stared at her silently instead of watching the movie. Mother truly was beautiful, and with her work makeup still in place, she looked like a princess.

I nearly fell over again when at one point Mother actually smiled at the TV. Quickly I turned to see what prompted her to make such a remarkable face and saw the main characters expressing their love for each other before kissing tenderly. The movie ended soon after that, but Mother made no attempt to move, and elation coursed through me.

What an amazing opportunity! I could actually talk to Mother without being in the car driving to a hospital. Desperately I tried to think of something to say when I thought back to her smile. What would it be like to have her smile like that at me?

"M-mother?" I asked tentatively.

"What do you want?" she asked, but her usual sharpness was gone and my eagerness increased.

"Mother, do you love Father? Like the people in the movie?" I asked and she turned to face me. My blood froze as she gave me a glare full of the most intense hatred I'd ever seen.

"Your father used to be a strong, independent, and focused person and I fell in love with him. But you." 

She slowly stood up and glared down at me. I wished that I could disappear into the cushions and never come back out.

"When you were born, he became a whining, overbearing tyrant. I was the problem. I must not have eaten the right gobbledy-gook junk that he forced me to eat or drink because it was supposed to make me have a boy. You! You turned my husband into something disgusting. If you think for one second anyone in this world would love something as horrible as you, you're a bigger idiot than I thought!" Mother screamed and stormed out of the living room.

I sat shaking on the couch when a rough hand suddenly yanked the back of my shirt and forced me over the couch and onto the ground. My head cracked painfully against the ground but I bit my lip to keep from crying out. Terrified, I looked up into my father's black eyes. He leaned down and his jaw clenched, causing the scar on his mouth to turn white and his teeth to grit together.

"So, the little girl thinks that since she looks like her model mother she can find someone to fall for you, huh?" he spat at me and I shook my head fiercely.

"N-no, Father! I-" 

Father slammed a hand onto the floor right next to me and I clapped a hand to my mouth to keep my whimper from coming out.

"You call me sensei, you brainless mistake!" he roared. I nodded as tears streamed down my cheeks.

"S-s-sensei. I-I-I was just asking Mother if she loved you..." I tried to explain. 

Father's harsh, cruel laughter seemed to slap my eardrums.

"Love? Love doesn't exist! Love is an illusion brought on by idiotic fairytales." His eyes narrowed as he looked at me then snarled, "But some stupid boy who doesn't have any sense might tell you he loves you someday. You just remember." He leaned in close and my entire body quivered with fear as he glared down at me. "You ruined my life, and the only thing you should ever experience is the misery you put me through. You don't deserve love."

"Opal? Opal, what's wrong?"

Nathaniel's voice penetrated the fog my recollections had created. I desperately clawed my way out of the memory, not wanting to relive any more of that day when Father had dislocated both my shoulder and knee. Mother had stayed in her room the whole night and came down the next morning to find me on the ground, too weak to even move. My shoulder twinged at the memory and I instinctively reached up and held it to remind myself that I was uninjured.

Slowly I looked up and focused on Nathaniel's confused and worried expression. I hadn't thought anyone but Auntie would ever say they loved me. A tiny part of me desperately wished to respond to him immediately that my feelings were indeed similar to his, but both Father's and Mother's words swirled through my mind, and all but killed that desire.

Robotically, I reached up with the back of my arm and pushed against Nathaniel's wrist so that his comforting hand fell away from my face. He frowned deeply and opened his mouth but I shook my head, gripping my hands into balls on my knees.

"I don't deserve love, Nathaniel," I said in a monotone. All of my emotions seemed to be caught up in the black abyss that my mind was falling into, but I forced myself to meet Nathaniel's eyes that now shone with confusion. "And I can't love you when just being near you is causing you pain."

Nathaniel sucked in a deep breath as both hurt and despair flooded his expression.

"For the last time, it's not your fault, Opal! And everyone deserves love!" Nathaniel insisted and I was vaguely surprised that his voice almost sounded desperate.

But my mind was made up. I stood robotically and Nathaniel immediately clambered up as well. I turned away from his piercing eyes and made to walk around him. My progress was suddenly halted as warm arms circled my neck and shoulders and Nathaniel held me tightly against his chest.

"You DO deserve to be loved, Opal. I don't know who told you anything different, but it was a spiteful and cruel lie. Please just tell me who hurt you and we can figure out what to do together," Nathaniel pleaded directly into my ear.

I closed my eyes, feeling a small light trying to break through the blackness that my mind was engulfed in. Inhaling sharply, I turned around in Nathaniel's arms, wrapped my arms loosely around his injured back, and buried my face against his shoulder. He immediately pulled me even closer, wrapping a hand around the back of my head and rubbing my back gently.

I breathed in, memorizing the slightly woody scent of Nathaniel's cologne and the feel of his arms around me that seemed to block out all of the darkness of the world. But nothing could change what I was. My arms fell away from Nathaniel's body and I took a step back to look up into his face.

"There is nothing that anyone can do to forgive the pain I have caused to the people I love," I said softly and firmly. 

Nathaniel's face filled with exasperation and I reached up and covered his mouth with my hands, not being able to bear hearing any more of his tender words of comfort.

"Thank you," I said with as much sincerity as I could squeeze out of my emotionally frozen state. "Thank you for being my friend and for giving me so many amazing memories. I will cherish them always."

Nathaniel's eyes were filled with frustration as he stared down at me and I slowly lowered my hands from his mouth and placed them on his chest so I could push him gently back. He stood his ground and I let out something between a groan and a sigh as I looked back up at him.

"You are the kindest and most selfless person I have ever met, Opal. I cannot believe... I WILL not believe that you are the reason for anyone's suffering," Nathaniel stated forcefully. 

I shook my head, letting out a self-deprecating snort as I pushed harder against his chest, causing him to take one step back.

"Mother was a swimsuit model but because of her pregnancy she lost her modeling contract," I said softly, focusing on Nathaniel's chest as I continued to push him back. "Father's only dream in life was to open a karate school and have his son take over it for him when he was old." One more step back. I was nearly there. "Auntie lost her parents and went in search of her only living relative, and now he is completely ignoring her because she was sending him updates about me when he would rather that I didn't exist." Last step. "And the boy I have come to care for more than almost anyone was beaten because I happened to take an extra AP class that put me at the top of the school."

When I finally looked up Nathaniel's eyes were swimming with disgust and I almost sighed in relief. Finally. He finally understands exactly what kind of misery I bring to the people I care about. Now he'll leave.

"How is any of that your fault?" My eyes widened in shock as I looked up and saw his golden eyes scorching with pent-up rage. "Did your parents tell you you were a mistake just for being born?! That's ridiculous! Opal that..."

"That's right!" I yelled, cutting him off and trying to hold my tears at bay as irrational anger flooded me. "Since the day I was born I have caused nothing but grief and pain to everyone around me. So now that you know, please just go!"

"Opal, I'm not..."

"Just go!" I yelled again, reaching past him and yanking the door open. 

Nathaniel's face was a sheet of disbelief and bewilderment mixed with a deep sadness. He stepped forward as if he was going to try and touch me again but I glared up at him with all of the vehemence I could muster.

"Please..." my voice cracked as a sob tried to escape but I held it back as I gripped the door handle tightly. "Please go."

Nathaniel's shoulders slumped with defeat and I couldn't help but shiver as a blast of cold air seeped through the open doorway. He let out a long sigh and rubbed the back of his neck.

"Fine... I'll go. But only because we're both not thinking straight and I might do something I regret if I stay," Nathaniel said with a pained expression in his eyes and I gripped the door handle even tighter. "I'll come back tomorrow once we've both calmed down and can talk through this better."

"Nothing will change, Nathaniel," I stated sadly. 

It was pointless to keep talking, but the weak side of me was begging him inwardly to stay just for a few more seconds.

"I refuse to believe that," Nathaniel declared stubbornly and I had to look away from him before my resolve started to shake.

"I won't let you in," I choked out and even I could hear the pain in my own voice.

I flinched when Nathaniel took a small step forward and leaned toward me. My eyes widened as his lips, which were cracked and dry from the cold, pressed gently against my cheek. I bit down hard on my lip to keep tears that had sprung into my eyes from falling as Nathaniel pulled back and gently brushed the back of his knuckles against the spot he had kissed.

"Then I'll just wait until you are ready," he said with a smile so gentle and affectionate I could hardly stand it.

Quickly, I looked away and stepped back, slowly closing the door in front of me. An unexpected resistance brought the door's motion to a stop. I glanced up to see Nathaniel's hand holding onto the edge of the door. His knuckles were white from how hard he was holding the door, but after several long moments, they slowly retreated. I softly pushed, closing the door with barely a sound. I locked the door and then leaned against it, allowing the tears I had been holding back to finally cascade down my cheeks and neck because I was too emotionally exhausted to even wipe them away.

"Father was right about everything," I whispered to myself, still pressed against the door. "I ruin everything I touch. Someone like me doesn't deserve love. But Nathaniel and Auntie love me... "

My cell phone, which I had discarded on the living room coffee table earlier, began to buzz. Slowly I pushed against the door and stumbled over to the table where I picked up my phone. I groaned deeply as I saw that the caller ID was listed as 'Nathaniel'.

I silenced my phone immediately and turned it face down. A small knock came from the door and my eyes widened, realizing that Nathaniel must still be standing outside. Dropping onto the couch I propped my elbows on my knees and buried my face in my hands, refusing to move.

Why can't he understand that I am doing this to protect him? I thought in despair as the persistent but quiet knock continued to sound.

Taking a deep breath, I slowly reached out to my cell phone and saw that Nathaniel had sent me a text message this time. Against my better judgment, I clicked on the text and sucked in a sharp breath. He had sent me the picture Mrs. Giordano had taken of us in her restaurant where we were both laughing after Nathaniel accidentally tickled me. My tears came down even harder as a second message came through, this time with just normal text.

Please remember that I am way happier when we are together, Opal. Whether you believe me or not, you are the most amazing person I have ever met. You shouldn't blame yourself for all of the bad things that have happened.

A choking sob bubbled out from my throat and I pressed my hand tightly to my mouth. Nathaniel's knocking stopped and after a few more minutes I finally heard the small pinging sound of footsteps going down the metal staircase from Auntie's second-floor apartment. I was shocked at the pain that gripped me that made breathing difficult as I realized that Nathaniel had finally done as I asked and left. Even though I knew I had done the right thing... I couldn't stop the awful pain from threatening to smother me.

I cried on the couch until I felt like I had released all of the water inside of my body. My head was pounding now after crying so much and my whole body felt numb and weak. The realization that my throat felt like the Sahara desert finally got me off of the couch and moving robotically towards the kitchen.

My hands were trembling as I reached for a glass and I gripped it tightly to keep myself from dropping it as I filled it from the tap. As I took my first swig, suddenly overpowering nausea overtook me and I slammed the cup to the counter and dashed to the bathroom where the entire contents of my stomach seemed to be expelled. I coughed deeply after it was over and gripped the toilet seat to keep myself from collapsing.

"No feeling sorry for yourself, Opal," I gasped to myself. "Auntie will be home in a few days and once I say goodbye then I'll leave and I won't have to make anyone suffer anymore..."

Hot tears dripped down from my cheeks into the toilet and I turned away, flushing my mess down the drain and going to the sink to wash my hands and face. I didn't attempt to eat or drink anything after that and instead made my way back to the living room. Purposefully, I opened the laptop, beginning my research on how to live on my own.