Im 17. Im going into my senior year of high school. And im absolutely fucking terrified of the world.

I know a good amount of my audience that are gonna be reading this are younger and probably wont be able to entirely relate, because my issues are almost entirely happening because of the current events going on right now and how they line up with my situation.

This isnt structured at all, can you tell? Im just gonna be rambling about anything and everything bothering me. This is probably gonna be pretty long, and i hate being negative on here because i try my best to be a positive influence, but i also want to be heard. So im typing this right now.

So. Existential dread. Fun stuff.

I mentioned up top that im gonna be a senior, and thats a big part of what im upset about. Long story short, coronavirus is fucking everything up for me. Everyone complained that the class of 2020 was pretty screwed by Rona, but damn id say 2021 is getting fucked too. And the graduating class of 2021 is screwed along with it.

Senior year is supposed to be the year thats fun, and chill, and cool, and you're supposed to be excited to be an adult. Yeah well. Im scared. Im really fucking scared. And im mad about lots of things.

Literally your entire school education is supposed to prepare you for the "real world". And at the very last second, the world has ben flipped on its head.

All the years before this, school was setting me up for the world from a year ago. But then covid happened, and everything changed. Everything i already learned about how to survive as an adult? A good amount of it is now useless. Because nothing is the same anymore. And this all happened so recently and so fast and im fucked. Im so screwed. Im so scared and nervous. The school system has ONE YEAR to try and figure out what to do with the class of 2021, because we're going to be stepping into a completely different environment than we were being prepared for all the years prior.

I have one year of school. One year of my legal childhood. Im gonna be an adult. And im terrified of that.

It sounds childish to say that i dont wanna grow up, but i feel like i only recently got to be a teen. And now its been ripped away by forces out of anyone's control. Its no one's fault. But it still fucking sucks regardless.

For basically my whole elementary and middle school life i was told that im so mature, that i grew up so fast, that im such a good kid. And it was only recently, im talking within the last year, that i started to let go of that. I started to have fun. I stopped holding myself to being the Mature One and started to have fun and enjoy my life. I started to be a teen and go out and be dumb and chaotic with friends. And i had a pretty small window of opportunity left to enjoy that, and i wanted to embrace it while i could. Now? Its gone. It feels selfish of me to be complaining about this, that im mad that i couldnt have fun, but goddammit. I just learned to let loose and live a little. And now i cant anymore. And after this is all over, im gonna be an adult, and its gonna be harder to do that again.

Im so scared to be an adult. Scared of the responsibility. Scared of the world. Its dumb, right? I cant possibly expect to just be a kid forever. And i know that and im gonna persist, but goddammit, in allowed to be mad about it.

Im thankful that my family wont kick me out immediately when i turn 18. Ill probably be able to bank off of them for a while, theyll give me time to get my foot out the door before letting me go.

I feel like no one relates to me. Obviously i know people do, im sure millions of other 2021 to-be-graduates are worried about the same things, but not really anyone in my immediate circle. The rest of my family has sorta been carrying on life as normal. A lot of my friends online are younger than me. And most of my irl friends were older than me, and are already out in the world. I have like. 2 friends in my grade level, one of which im considering distancing from after school, and the other is probably gonna end up going down a significantly different path than me, despite all our "plans" to stay together forever and stuff. And that would be great, but the closer i get to being an adult, the less likely i think that will end up being. It could still happen, sure. It would be great if it did, but it feels more like a dream, an idea, a concept, that would be neat but may not be realistic.

Ive noticed that my mental health has plummeted recently. Ive been less motivated to do ANYTHING, ive felt lonely, any happiness i feel was just temporary before i felt sad or scared and angry again. Maybe this is just normal teen depression. Maybe its just me being angsty about having to stay inside for half a year because of covid. Maybe im just going through one of my depression "phases" that i get sometimes and ill feel better soon. But it feels heavier than that. I dont think its just rampant teen hormones or anything like that. Im just. Scared of the world. Scared and confused and i dont know what im going to do because everything changed so suddenly. Any expectations i had about how it was all gonna go have been flipped on their head. And im panicking, i dont know what to do, im torn between trying to plan ahead now despite having no idea about how the future will turn out, or just ignoring everything and living in the moment without a plan.

I just dont know what im going to do about all of this.

Im sorry again for being so negative on main. I really do try to be a source of positivity, but lately ive been slowing down and being less active, ive noticed that.

Ive been considering not using wattpad anymore. It doesnt really bring me happiness anymore, i hardly ever use it for the intended purpose of reading or writing, and i feel more disconnected with people on here. Maybe thats just because ive been less and less active here. I dont have a decision yet, and i doubt ill actually stop being active at all or deleting my profile or amything, but i just wanted to let you guys know. That i might be moving on at some point. But i dont know yet. Its just a thing ive been thinking about

Anyways, thats all my existential dread out into the world now. Feel free to discuss stuff in the comments, i wanna hear some other people's opinions on the matter. Maybe some of you guys relate to my worries. Maybe some of you dont. But regardless im glad you made it this far and listened to me. Or read me. Or whatever the fuck the technicality of this is.

Ill try to post more art soon. Not sure exactly when, but hopefully it wont be a super long time