Louis: Hi guys! This is going to by my first ever visual podcast! And I'm very nervous so I have a very beautiful man sitting to my right.

Harry: He's hotter than I'll ever be.

Louis: Ok, let's table that discussion and do an Instagram poll later on who's hotter. Because you'll win. Don't say anything, Haz.

Harry: (rolls eyes)

Louis: I'm Louis Tomlinson and this is I Can't Shut Up! The podcast where I talk about whatever I want. Today I have my boyfriend, Harry Styles with me! When this is released, he'll have just released his debut album, and we're going to get all of the hot goss on it.

Harry: All of the songs are about Louis. Every single song I've ever written, it's about Louis. All of those reporters from The Sun? Daily Mail? I'm not heterosexual, and they aren't about girls, ok?

Louis: He's speed-talking, my love. He does that in interviews.

Harry: You just normally talk at the speed of light. Except for when you say "um". That lasts for like four years.

Louis: (laughs) I didn't bring you on here to get roasted again.

Harry: Well that's what's gonna happen. I write all of my songs about you. It's what makes them so good. And when you were gone, I couldn't write anything. Except a couple of sad songs. There's Half a Heart, for one. That's going to be the most noticeably sad song. I was in a really bad headspace when I wrote that, but I love the result.

Louis: I cried when I heard the song, all mixed. He wants to make a music video but I'm going to beat him if he does.

Harry: Lottie likes my music video idea.

Louis: Lottie loves you more than me.

Harry: Maybe she's pissed that you're a bitch boi and yeeted out for three months.

Louis: Stop using lingo. You're like 80 years old.

Harry: In some ways, yes. I get up early. Eat dinner at four. In other ways, you're the grandma in this relationship.

Louis: That's not what you were calling me last night.

(Harry turns red and shuts his mic off and leaves.)

Louis: (laughing) He'll be back in a minute. We tease each other a lot. Nothing ever gets too serious. This is weird. I can see all of the boom mic guys, and Paul eating a muffin through the window. (laughs) He moved so I can't see him. Hmm, are people going to be freaked out, seeing me on camera? Seeing my lips move and form my voice? This'll really be the first time for them. Then they'll start thinking, "wow, I'm so much hotter than him."

(Harry returns.)

Harry: Had to pee.

(Microphone turns back on.)

Harry: Whatcha talking about?

Louis: How I'm just a regular celebrity now. Nothing special.

Harry: You're still you. And people will be so excited to go to like VidCon - not confirmed that he's going - to see you for the first time. And you'll get to meet the people who have been supporting you for years! It really is amazing, that part of an entertainment job.

Louis: Do people really want to meet me that bad? I just assumed they wanted to know what I look like, and that's it.

Harry: People love you, Louis. You'd know if you were ever on social media for more than one second that a time.

Louis: Isabel runs my social media most of the time. I don't care for it really.

Harry: You should see what your fans are doing online. What they're saying about you. I always peek. And I have fan accounts of my own. Mostly for you.

Louis: Oh yeah. Talking about my ass?

Harry: I don't understand why he's so thicc.

Louis: What did we say about the lingo, Haz?

(The two of them look at each other and laugh.)