HARRY is standing in one place, looking at the writing on a door - says "I Can't Shut Up LLC". He enters into a small waiting room, and walks up to the desk where CHIP looks up with vacant eyes.

HARRY

Hi, I'm Harry Styles?

CHIP

Can you please pull up the barcode we emailed?

HARRY opens the phone in his hand and shows it towards CHIP, who pulls a barcode scanner out from a drawer. The barcode is scanned, and CHIP pushes a button.

The door at the opposite end of the room opens.

CHIP

You won't make it far before someone fetches you.

HARRY leaves with a small nod, closing his phone and putting it in his pocket. By the time he shuts the door, RANDY is approaching from the other end of the hallway.

RANDY

Harry! Hello, I'm Randy. I arranged this. I'm the clientele representative.

HARRY gives a nervous smile.

HARRY

Wow, this is like a real business...

Trails off. RANDY starts walking, expecting HARRY to follow.

RANDY

I've only been a part of this for five years, but he's been doing this since 2010. Around year four, it was clear that we couldn't do this in his apartment in London anymore.

HARRY

San Francisco's far from London, innit?

RANDY shrugs, leading HARRY into a kitchen. The dining table has a plastic sheet on it with a clip-on microphone.

RANDY

Quick procedures. We take audio from a shirt mic, boom mics, and what you'll be holding. If any of those fails, we still have a podcast.

RANDY puts the mic on HARRY, who looks a little lost.

RANDY

What do you want to drink during? We have water, sodas, tea, coffee, hot chocolate?

HARRY

Water?

HARRY looks around the room and shuffles his feet nervously. RANDY picks up on his nervousness.

RANDY

It seems intimidating, I know. He's basically a celebrity at this point. But once you're in the room, it all makes sense. We'll do a quick sound check and then he'll start the intro.

HARRY opens his phone, showing off the email.

HARRY

This says that I need a "security briefing"?

RANDY laughs.

RANDY

Yes, Paul should be in right about...

He pauses for dramatic effect, but nothing happens. Then he pulls out his phone and calls PAUL, who enters as soon as the call goes through.

Calm and smiley.

PAUL

Hold your tits, Randy.

HARRY bites his lip to keep from laughing, and it starts bleeding. Everyone ignores it.

RANDY

This is the guest for tomorrow's episode.

Harry

Hi, I'm Harry.

PAUL and HARRY shake hands.

PAUL

I'm Paul, Harry. Just need to go over a couple things with you. The room we're going into has high security measures. If I say certain code words, the room will go completely dark. Where you will be sitting, you will be right next to the "famous" white box. If you attempt to touch or knock over the box, I will tase you with no hesitation.

HARRY

Got it.

RANDY

I still taste blood from the last time he tased me.

HARRY

Oh, yeah? When was that?

RANDY

Last week.

PAUL

I tase anyone who voluntarily or involuntarily attempts to lay their peepers on my client.

RANDY grabs a water and rolls his eyes.

RANDY

God, "peepers". You'd think this man was a Boomer. C'mon, Harry.

The three of them leave the room and walk down the hall, stopping in front of a door with STUDIO on it. RANDY knocks and then enters.

All that's inside is a large white box, several comfy chairs and rugs, lots of microphones and audio equipment.

LOUIS [inside box]

Get the fuckin' boom guys in here!

RANDY crosses the room and knocks on an opposite door, and several nameless sound tech guys enter and start setting up.

LOUIS

Welcome, welcome, guest. If you have any burning questions, get them out now. I've heard them all.

HARRY is silent for a moment.

HARRY

Ok. So what is it that's in there? Like how do you stay comfortable. I've always wondered.

Light chuckle.

LOUIS

It's a bed. I'm literally laying under like three blankets with my microphone.

HARRY laughs.

HARRY

Well, I hope you enjoy your little rest in there.

LOUIS

Oh, I do. It's more comfortable than my own bed. No idea why. Nice to meet you, guest. I'm Louis Tomlinson.

HARRY

Harry Styles.

In the background, the sound equipment is being messed with. HARRY finally takes a seat on the couch and is handed a microphone.

RANDY

You know how to hold one of these, right?

HARRY looks offended. RANDY laughs.

HARRY

I'm ready to roll. Nowhere near as comfortable as you might be in there.

LOUIS

You sound like you want to be inside the box without me in it than to ever meet me.

HARRY

Well, no one meets you, so I'm not considering that to happen. And I fully admire how far you've come on just your voice. I could never do that. But I'm a narcissist.

LOUIS

Let's save this talk for when the tape starts rolling, Mr. Styles.

There is silence, and then someone yells SOUND CHECK.

HARRY flips on his microphone.

HARRY

Testing, testing?

LOUIS [loudly]

WHAT'S UP, SAN FRANCISCO?

SOUND TECH 1

Stop peaking the mic, you idiot.

HARRY giggles and sits criss-cross applesauce.

SOUND TECH 2

Mr. Styles, please try singing at various volumes into the microphone.

HARRY frowns.

HARRY

I wasn't aware of a performance.

LOUIS

It's just sound check. Your song is already on every radio there is. No one needs to hear it again.

HARRY is flattered but also angry at the remark.

HARRY (softly)

Twinkle, twinkle, little star.

Thumbs up from SOUND TECH 2.

HARRY (medium)

Just stop your crying, it's a sign of the times.

Thumbs up.

HARRY (loudly)

ABCDEFG

SOUND TECH 2

That's great, Styles. Go on Tommo.

LOUIS sings Mary Had A Little Lamb, modulating his voice to hit each level.

LOUIS

How does my voice compare, you trained singer?

HARRY

If you'd bothered to read my Wikipedia page, you'd know I'm not trained.

LOUIS splutters in reply and then yells.

LOUIS

STARTING! Three, two, one! Hi! Welcome to I Can't Shut Up! I'm speaking really fast because my guest just roasted the fuck out of me and we need to get this on live audio. This is episode number 728, and today we're having my birthday special because I'll be flying home in just a short few days to spend Christmas with my family. We are also talking to Harry Styles today, the frog-looking motherfucking who just insulted me.

HARRY

Oh shut up.

LOUIS is silent.

LOUIS

It's literally the name of my life. "I Can't Shut Up". Idiot. Anyways. Harry Styles sang that song that everyone is hearing nowadays. It's called Sign of the Times. When I heard it, I thought it was good, but long. Then I heard the story behind it and put you on my short list of people to bring in.

HARRY

Well, I'm honored to be here. I'm not the biggest fan, but I just don't have the time to listen to podcasts.

LOUIS

Stop roasting me for two seconds because you want all of the attention on you.

HARRY

Sorry, sorry.

LOUIS

So, I want to hear the story in your own words, Harry.

FAST FORWARD to 40 minutes of good-natured roasting and discussion later.

LOUIS

Well, Harry. Frog-looking ass. It's time for me to segway and talk about my birthday and upcoming trip because this is my podcast. Then we'll sign off and I'll never see you again! Well, I never saw you in the first place.

HARRY

It's all good.

LOUIS

You're too nice, froggy. I'm turning 27 in just a couple days, and that's terrifying honestly. Downhill on my way to thirty. I'm still ugly and unloved, and talking into the same microphone that I've had for the last eight years.

LOUIS gets quiet.

LOUIS

You guys know I get sentimental around the holidays. I wouldn't have anything without this podcast, and I am so glad that most of you don't give a shit what I look like and just leave me the fuck alone. You'd all think I was ugly anyways. I mean, ugh. I pretty much live in this fucking box, for God's sake. God, I'm getting mean! Keep body positivity alive guys! Keep me on the trending page. Follow Harry's socials, because these pictures on his Wikipedia page show he's quite a looker. Ladies.

HARRY

Guys, actually.

LOUIS

Oops, sorry. Only guys can look at his Wikipedia page. The rest of you get your hetero shit out the building.

LOUIS sighs.

LOUIS

Well, this episode is dedicated to the gay agenda and to me getting old. Say your goodbyes, Harry. And don't forget to listen to his song.

HARRY

Thanks for listening?

SOUND TECH 3

Wrap.

The mics are turned off and HARRY immediately starts chugging water. LOUIS is silent.

RANDY

Lou, you ok?

LOUIS

Lost in thought, Randy. God.

RANDY and PAUL make eye contact, and HARRY notices but doesn't say anything.

RANDY

You are free to leave, Harry. This'll be out tomorrow.

RANDY goes over to PAUL, who has a furrowed brow. HARRY turns towards the door.

HARRY

This was fun, Louis.

LOUIS

Best of luck to you, Froggy.

HARRY exits the studio.