I Can't Shut Up [Transcript]

Episode ??? - I'm Sorry. I Love You.

Voices: Tommo, Randy.

[0:00] 

Tommo: I'm Louis Tomlinson and welcome to I Can't Shut Up. It's the middle of the night, which is unusual for recording the podcast, but this is unplanned. You guys can probably hear the tears in my voice, god. I'm here with Randy, who accidentally just met me for the first time. I was in the kitchen, crying into my tea and he walked in.

Randy: I really didn't mean to, Louis. Thought it was someone else.

Tommo: It wasn't your fault, I promise. I'm not mad. Just keep all your thoughts on my appearance to yourself.

Randy: I don't have a single one! Guys, he never does believe when anyone tells him he isn't ugly.

Tommo: I really did want to talk about everything today. Well, there's a couple things I'll keep a secret until I meet the person I'm going to be talking about, in person. It's early in the morning and I'm crying because I'm ugly. It's nothing new. And this isn't some sort of self-deprecation that your mom's Facebook friends can lift you up on.

Randy: What?

Tommo: You know? When your mom posts a photo of you on Facebook and her friends comment the nicest things about you?

Randy: (laughs)

Tommo: I probably need real therapy, guys. Maybe that's what I'm realizing. Life sucks so bad when you hate yourself. I'm not suicidal, guys. But, it's hard having the best times and then coming home to a full-length mirror that I scrutinize all of my flaws in. At least I've come to terms with the way that my voice sounds on tape. It's been eight years.

Randy: But you wouldn't do the same with your personal image? Put it out there and come to terms with that?

Tommo: In theory, that sounds excellent. But that's just another idea that sounds good on paper. Like communism. It wouldn't work out. And my entire brand is that people don't know what I look like. They can't talk about my hair and my ass, or compare themselves to me as an internet celebrity. If I can give them one less person to do that to, then it's worth it. The world is too looks-based, and that's why I'm fucked. But if I can save other people from being fucked, then that's worth it.

Randy: Your logic is too sound, Louis.

Tommo: Nobody's perfect and I'm certainly not. That's why I will never intentionally post my identity online.

Randy: Do you feel better now? Remembering what you stand for?

Tommo: Yes, yeah. Thanks.

Randy: So, did you always want to talk about him?

Tommo: *sighs* Randy is referring to Harry Styles. Big shocker. I think I'm in love with him. And this isn't a joke. He's all I think about. The curls and the green eyes. His voice and his jokes. And I feel like absolute shit for being mean to him on the podcast. *sighs* I don't know when this little podcast will be put out. It probably won't be very long. But I'm in love with Harry Styles, honestly. And he doesn't know what I look like. But I think I'd show myself to him. I know I told him, "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain". But, Harry, I'm stepping out from behind it. Submitting myself to the idea of love. Me, a podcaster whore. Harry, I'm so sorry. I like you too, you dumb frog. Let's talk.