4/23

Dear Fizz,

Yes, yes, I'm still here. Despite having a world-renowned podcast. But I'm finding that now, more than ever, there are things that I can't talk about. And it's more than just my identity. Yes, it's everything to do with that dumb frog.

I like him. More than I've ever romantically liked anyone. It's everything about him - curls, pun-filled jokes, his kindness. God, sometimes I wish I wasn't me and I could just be honest. But, I love what I do and I stand by not having an identity. I couldn't give all of that up.

I can't stop thinking about him!

So, now, for the first time in my life, I'm going to the gym. And they play his song, over and over again. Soon, they'll be playing his next single. The one that he definitely fucking wrote about me. I just put my earbuds in and blare Arctic Monkeys until the drone of the treadmill goes away. Paul usually comes with me, but he's all strong and shit, lifting weights. I just run because it drains my brain of all thoughts.

Bonus to this drama, it's helping deal with your death. I know that it gets easier over time, and that doesn't mean that it still doesn't hurt. Every single day. Being occupied helps.

Despite hating myself to the point of well, you know, I haven't deleted my fake instagram. It's not the serotonin boost from my 12 likes, I promise. Maybe some part of me enjoys not having to hide what I look like. If I get a single hate comment I'm moving to Germany and opening a brewery, though, so I'm still me.

Ugh, I'm all over the place. I miss you, I run now to forget my ever-increasing list of problems, and I miss Froggy. Anything else? Oop, yep, I'm still ugly as always. :)

-Louis