3/14

Dear Fizz,

Chip and Paul say that I am not allowed anywhere near a microphone for at least a month, so I've got to find some other way to vent my feelings out. So, I'm turning to the written word for a little while.

I hope you're happy now, Fizz. And I mean that in the least condescending way possible. I know that it was the hardest on you after Mum died. And now you're together - I believe that. I really do. And I love the both of you so much, and I know that you're going to be watching over us.

I made it to London in the middle of the night, an hour before Lottie did. I waited for her in the airport, and we sat in the middle of the walkway and cried for at least an hour in each other's arms before going to Nan's. Dad was there, asleep with the twins.

They all woke up when we got there, and we cried and talked about everything, getting all of the information. I'm crying now, just writing this. I miss you so much. I know we didn't talk as often as we should've. I know you hated me for sending you away last year.

I wish you were still here. I wish you would've stopped. Taken our advice seriously and hung out with good people and chased your dreams. Lottie is broken in half. The twins are inconsolable. I don't know if Dad will ever be ok. Will I be ok? I don't really have a choice to not be. But you know that I've always been like that. And I know that you hated how I acted like everything was ok when Mum died. I hated myself back then too. I really should've grieved properly.

I'm going to try and do that this time.

I'll write to you more, and I'm sorry this little letter is all over the place. But I really love you, Fizzy. I always did - don't say that I didn't. You were always so outspoken on dealing with mental health, and body positivity, too. You really believed in what you talked about, but we both have flaws, don't we? You talked shit about taking care of yourself and getting help in regards to mental health, but you were an addict. And I truly believe that every single body size, shape, color is beautiful, except for mine. I've got a big ass and eyes as blue as a Rice Krispie wrapper.

We Tomlinsons really have bad luck don't we? Mum got cancer, they say you "accidentally" overdosed, and I'm ugly and will be alone forever.

Ugh, this really didn't help as much as talking out loud.

-Louis