YUMIRAH

RAFE'S WORDS kept ringing inside my head. His voice, his way of speaking and his face when he was talking. I couldn't shrug them off my memory.

"I'm not jealous."

"I'm not jealous, Mirah."

"Oo, wala akong karapatan. 'Di ba?"

Parang sirang plaka iyong paulit-ulit na nag-play sa isip ko. They were so hard to forget. Kaya nga kahit 3 AM na ay gising pa rin ako. Kahit nga sa panaginip, sinundan niya rin ako. That meant I had no choice but to reflect about it.

Rafe is not just a friend of mine - he is my best friend. I know when he is sad, miserable and happy. Para niya akong salamin na nagpapakita ng reflection niya. I can see right through him. Well, there are still lots of things I can't quite figure out about him, but there's still time. Matagal-tagal pa kaming magkakasama.

Given his face, voice and words when we had a conversation, I could say that what he said was a lie. He was jealous. Sure ako roon. He was sad, disappointed and hurt - I knew that. But the million-dollar question is, why?

Why would he get jealous? Of Shan?

Sabihin na natin na oo, nagka-crush ako sa lalaking 'yon. But that was back in the past. It was dead and gone already. It wasn't a big deal, right? At kahit sabihin pang may feelings ako sa kanya, hindi no'n matatapatan ang pagmamahal ko sa kanya. No one could take his role in my life. No one could ever replace him.

Because he is my best friend.

Kung may mas dapat siyang pag-selos-an, si Yunnah 'yon. Because she is the one more likely to take his place. What if naging beat friends kami ulit at mapunta sa kanya ang atensiyon ko? 'Di ba?

But that's not what was happening. 'Yong malabo ang nangyayari ngayon.

Naupo ako sa kama at kinapa ang aking phone. Naisip kong bigyan siya ng assurance na hindi mawawala ang friendship namin, pero may pumigil sa akin. Masyado pang maaga. Bukod doon, he must be sleeping. Baka sa halip na patawarin ako, mainis pa siya sa akin. Sa personal na lang ako magpapaliwanag sa kanya.

I opened the flashlight and slowly stood up. Mga four hours lang ang tulog ko, kaya nanghihina ako. Hindi pwedeng biglain ko ang katawan ko, at baka bumagsak pa ako.

Dahan-dahan akong naglakad upang magtungo sa kusina. I needed a glass of cold water. That might help lessen the guilt I was feeling. Yeah, I felt guilty for no reason. Wala naman akong ginagawang masama kay Rafe, eh. Ang baklang 'yon, expert talaga siyang pasamain ang pakiramdam ko.

Nakakailang hakbang pa lang ako nang makarinig ng hindi ko dapat marinig. I blinked a few times, wishing I was only dreaming. But I remained standing where I was, my body frozen. I couldn't believe I was hearing my parents' voice this early in the morning, arguing.

"Just admit it, Eran!" It was my mother's voice. It was shaky and heartbreaking. I didn't know what they were talking about, but I knew it was something I should never know. Pero hindi ko kayang maglakad papalayo, I needed to hear whatever it was. "Aminin mo na lang na mahal mo pa rin siya! Na hanggang ngayon, siya pa rin ang nandiyan sa puso mo!"

"Leah naman! Mag-usap tayo nang mahinahon, at baka marinig tayo ni Yumirah."

Kinagat ko ang labi ko at pinigilan ang pagbagsak ng mga luha. Tila isang puzzle na nabubuo sa utak ko ang dahilan ng pagtatalo nila. It was some other woman. My father might have had another woman. And they didn't want to let me know. Nasasaktan akong isipin na pwede nang tuluyang masira ang pamilya namin at parang hindi ako parte ng pamilya dahil wala akong kaalam-alam sa mga nangyayari.

"Mahinahon? E-Eran! Ang tagal kong naging mahinahon!" Hindi na niya napigilan ang pagbasag ng kanyang boses. Tuluyan na siyang umiiyak sa mga sandaling 'to, sigurado ako roon. "K-Kahit alam kong hindi ako ang babae diyan sa puso mo, pinili kong maging mahinahon! K-Kahit alam kong responsibilidad lang ang dahilan kaya mo ako pinakasalan, naging mahinahon ako! Pero tama na! Hindi ko na kinakaya 'to! Huwag na tayong magpanggap na okay ang lahat, please lang . . . Mas lalo mo naman akong pinapahirapan niyan . . . "

I covered my mouth when the tears streamed down my face like a river. Muli kong ibinukas-sara ang aking mata, umaasang maglalaho ako na parang bula. But nothing happened. I was still there, with my frozen feet, face full of tears and broken heart. Tumalikod ako para sana humakbang paalis, pero hindi ko kaya. I couldn't walk away, get back to sleep, wake up later and act as if I didn't hear anything. Sa halip, naglakad ako papalapit sa kwarto nila para maging mas malinaw ang pag-uusap nila.

I had to know the whole truth. Tutal nandito naman na ako, lulubus-lubusin ko na ang sakit.

"Leah, ano ka ba naman - "

"Ano ako?! Tao ako, Eran! N-Nasasaktan din ako. Mabait ako, pero nauubusan din ako ng pasensiya. Napapagod na rin ako sa 'yo . . . " Ilang sandali ang lumipas na hagulgol lang niya ang maririnig. But she wouldn't stop spitting out the words she held back for a very long time. "Time had passed by. You were apart from her for a long while. But she's still in your heart. Kahit ako ang nandito, ako pa rin ang talo. Ako ang pinakasalan mo, ang kasama mo, ang nanay ng anak mo. Pero tingnan mo, ako 'yong nasasaktan nang ganito."

"Nasasaktan din naman ako!" There was the silence. "Leah, mali ang iniisip mo. I don't love Yunice anymore. Matagal ko na siyang nakalimutan."

Natulala ako sa kawalan. Nawala ako sa sarili.

Yunice . . .

The woman they were talking about. The reason why they were having this quarrel all along. It was because of her. Because of Yunnah's mother. Si Tita Yunice ang dahilan.

Ang babaeng minahal at pwedeng mahal pa ni papa . . . si Tita Yunice 'yon.

Para akong sinampal ng ilang beses sa mukha. Para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig. Para akong magkakasakit nang biglaan sa halo-halong emosyon. 'Yong pagtatampo ni mama, 'yong lungkot sa presensiya niya, 'yong mga salita niyang may pinanghuhugutan, 'yong reaksiyon niya nang makita si Yunnah. Hindi ko lubos mapaniwalaang lahat ng 'yon ay dahil sa nanay ng dati kong best friend.

Mas nagtuloy-tuloy pa ang luha ko sa pagpatak, parang ulan na hindi ko mapigilan. Sana . . . Sana nananaginip lang ako. Sana hindi totoo 'to.

"Mahal mo pa siya! S-Sinasabi mo lang 'yan dahil awang-awa ka sa 'kin. All these years na magkasama tayo, you've felt nothing for me but pity. Kung hindi mo ako nabuntis at umiral ang pagiging responsable mo, hindi mo naman ako pakakasalan, 'di ba?! Sa huli, ako na ang kawawa, ako pa ang masama. Kaya sorry. Sorry for making you miserable. Sorry na ako ang kasama mo at hindi si Yunice. Sorry kasi dahil sa 'kin, you had to give up all your dreams, para sa sarili mo at para sa inyong dalawa, para lang magampanan ang responsibilidad na isang parusa - "

"Hindi parusa ang anak natin! Mahal ko si Yumirah, Leah!"

"Itigil mo ang pagtawag sa kanya sa pangalan na 'yan! I loathe that name, and I loathe you!" Mas tumaas ang kanyang boses, ganoon na ka-grabe ang sama ng loob ni mama. "Pati sa pagbibigay ng pangalan ng anak natin, siya pa rin ang nasa isip mo. Hindi ko nakakalimutang plano n'yong ipangalan 'yon sa magiging anak. But what did I do? I shut my mouth, kept calm like what you've always wanted me to do and let our own child have that stupid name! Tang* ka, Eran! Pero mas tang* ako para magtiis nang ganito para sa 'yo."

"L-Leah . . . "

"I wish I could turn back the time. I wish I could go back in past and never loved you like this."

The door suddenly swang open, and my mother found me standing and crying there. I didn't move even an inch because I couldn't. Ni hindi ko mapunasan ang mukha kong basang-basa na. I stayed there and let her see me look miserable.

"Yumi . . . " Her voice was gentle, trying to comfort me and my hurt feelings. But nothing could save me right now. Not even her.

That name. Why didn't I notice? Never niya akong tinawag sa buo kong pangalan kahit ang simple naman. I should've figured out back then. I should've known that something must be wrong. Bakit ba ang tang* ko? Pamilya ba kami ng mga tang*?

"B-Bakit hindi mo sinabi sa 'kin, 'ma?" My voice broke the way my heart did.

At this moment, I realized na totoo nga ang sinasabi nila na "What you don't know won't hurt you." Pero may karugtong 'yon - "But it might hurt someone else." Kung alam kong hindi ko dapat lapitan ang pamilya ni Yunnah, lalo na ang mama niya, eh 'di sana'y hindi magiging ganito kalala ang sitwasyon. It must have been really hard for my own mother. She had no choice but swallow the fact that her daughter was best friends with the woman's daughter she has loathed the most all her life.

Sumulpot si papa sa kanyang likuran. "Yumirah, ano'ng - "

"'Pa! Ano'ng ginawa mo, pa?! Bakit hindi n'yo sinabi sa 'kin?! Bakit wala akong alam?!"

Hiyang-hiya at galit na galit ako sa sarili ko. Pakiramdam ko, ako na ang pinaka-walang-kwentang anak sa lahat. Na sarili ko lang ang iniisip ko.

Nilapitan ako ni mama, ngunit may nagpahinto sa kanya. "W-We didn't let you know kasi mahal ka namin, Yumi. Look at you now, you look so broken right now. You might have been more hurt kung nalaman mo nang mas maaga. Yumi, Yunnah is your best friend, and her mother . . . her mother . . . "

"Yunnah's not my best friend anymore. And don't look at me, 'ma. Look at you." Suminghot ako at tumingala bago siya pilit na tiningnan. "Ni hindi mo masabi sa harapan ko na nasaktan ka ng mama niya. 'Ma, sabihin mo nga, bakit kailangang ako na lang lagi ang isipin mo? May time ba na inalala mo man lang ang sarili mo?"

"Yumirah, bumalik ka na sa kwarto mo." He walked to me and held me by the shoulders. Ang galing niyang umakto na parang walang problema. I should be clapping for him for being acting as the best father in the world even though I just knew that he wasn't. "Maaga pa, anak. You need to rest, and then when you wake up - "

"I don't need anything else, 'pa. I just need answers." It was hard, but I managed to look him in the eyes. "Why did you cheat on my mother? With that woman? A-Ano ba'ng wala sa mama ko? Ha, 'pa?"

Nagsalubong ang kanyang mga kilay at mukhang galit siya. "I never cheated on her. I love her. Oo, minahal ko si Yunice, pero hindi na ngayon. Tapos na ang lahat sa amin, anak."

I wanted to believe him. He sounded so sincere. Ganyan siya kapag nagsasabi ng totoo. My brain, it didn't want to accept what he said. But my heart already did. Hindi ko alam ang totoo, pero pakiramdam ko, totoong mahal niya si mama.

Pero naguguluhan pa rin ako.

Whether he really loves my mother or not, it doesn't change the fact that he had a past with Tita Yunice. Hindi ko ma-process lahat-lahat. Why they all had to pretend that everything was fine between them. How I had been best friends with that woman's daughter. How everything was complicated and so heartbreaking to think right now. Ang gulo-gulo na.

"Kayo na ang mag-usap. I don't wanna hear a bunch of lies again."

When we turned out heads to her, she was already walking away. Naiintindihan ko ang inaakto ni mama. Sobra siyang nasasaktan at nahihirapan, kaya may karapatan siya magmura, magalit at lumayo. But I hoped in the middle of all this, she wouldn't lose her true self. The beautiful, joyful, caring and lovely woman she is.

"Chase after her, 'pa. Explain everything. Just be sincere, and she will definitely understand."

He looked at me and smiled. "Naniniwala ka sa 'kin?"

Tumango ako. "Kapag hindi ko alam kung kailan ka nagsisinungaling o nagsasabi ng totoo, I would be really get more mad at myself. Sige na, 'pa. Kausapin mo si mama at sabihin mo ang lahat ng sabihin. This might be the only chance you have now. Take it or lose it. Mabait si mama, pero kapag napagod siya, pagod talaga siya. Maaayos n'yo 'to, that's for sure."

Binigyan niya ako ng yakap at hinaplos-haplos ang aking buhok. "Salamat at naiintindihan mo ako, anak. I am grateful to God for the person you are becoming. Leah is such a great mother, I never regret loving her."

"Pasalamatan mo rin ang sarili mo, 'pa. You and mama are the best parents in the whole world, and nothing can change that truth."

He pulled himself out of the hug and gave me a big smile. The smile that could give me guarantee that anything broken in our own family right could still be fixed. That was all I needed at that very moment.

"Go na, 'pa! Itsi-cheer kita! Kaya natin 'to!"

Sa isang iglap, wala na siya sa paningin ko. Parang panaginip lang. Kani-kanina lang, nagtatalo sila, pero mukhang magkakaayos na sila. For a second a while ago, I was mad at him and thinking he was the biggest liar one could ever meet. But I just told him he was a great parent. Ang bilis ng mga pangyayari. Ayokong mahirapang sumabay.

Tinitigan ko ang loob ng kwarto ng mga magulang ko. The light was on, but it felt like I was lost in the darkness where no light could be found. The smile I showed my father, the comfort I just gave him. It was all forced. Sana'y sign ang liwanag mula sa ilaw ng silid nila na babalik din sa dati ang lahat.

My feet walked inside the room. The first thing I noticed was the picture frame on the floor. Pinulot ko 'yon at nasilayan ang basag na salamin. It made me feel worse, staring at the wedding photo of them while smiling so happily.

"Bakit ba hindi na lang kayo mag-stay nang ganito kasaya palagi? Ha, 'ma? 'Pa?"

Pumatak ang luha ko sa litrato, kaya't agad ko 'yong pinunasan at ipinatong sa maliit na cabinet. My eyes landed on the two blankets on the bed. It was funny to think na iisa nga ang kamang tulugan nila, pero magkaiba ang kumot nila. Good thing, walang mga unan sa pagitan nila. Naglakad ako at maya-maya'y may natapakang piraso ng papel. Hindi, it was a torn piece of picture.

My eyes stared at the girl with the biggest smile I had ever seen. I couldn't be mistaken. It was Tita Yunice when she was younger. She looked so happy.

Nahanap ko ang karugtong nito malapit sa ilalim ng kama at ipinagdikit sila. Katulad ng hinala ko, magkasama nga sila sa larawan. Si papa, nakaakbay sa mama ni Yunnah habang pareho silang mukhang masayang-masaya. It must be taken when they were so in love with each other. When my mother was still out of the picture.

Akala ko'y mapipigil ko, ngunit sunod-sunod ang luha ko sa paglabas. Para akong batang kinagat ng langgam. Sana nga, gano'n kasimple ang problema ko, kaso hindi.

Pinunasan ko ang aking mukha. "No, I can't be weak. Lalo na sa ganitong sitwasyon. Whether they loved each other or not, it doesn't matter anymore. Nakaraan na 'yon. Si mama na ang mahal ni papa."

Pinakatitigan ko ang punit na larawan at muling ipinaghiwalay 'yon. Right, things aren't how they were before anymore. They have changed. I realized that nothing would happen if I acted weak during this kind of times. I had to find out the whole truth myself. I had to make my own way. I have to really and fully live my own life now because I am no longer a kid.

I crumpled the pieces of paper that no longer meant anything special and threw it to the trash can. What's past is past, I should keep that in mind.

I grabbed an opportunity to talk with Yunnah at school. Sumama siya sa 'kin sa garden nang walang kahit anong tanong, which was a little surprising. Mabuti na 'yon dahil wala ako sa mood magpaliwanag sa kanya. I would have this conversation because I was looking for the right answers, hindi para makipag-chika-han na parang katulad pa rin kami ng dati.

Things wouldn't go back the way they used to. Tanggap ko na 'yon. Otherwise, magkakanda-gulo-gulo ang lahat.

Naupo siya sa bakal na upuan at ipinagkrus ang kanyang mga hita. Sumayaw sa hangin ang kanyang maikling buhok. Nagmukha siyang diyosa. If we were still the same, I would've expressed how much I adored her beauty.

"I don't think you've dragged me here only to stare at me," she said. "There must be something important you wanna talk about."

"Yeah, that's right. May mga tanong akong ikaw ang makakasagot sa ngayon."

She smiled. "Just as I expected. Bakit hindi ka muna umupo sa tabi ko? Rivals man tayo pagdating sa lalaki, hindi ako gano'n kasama para hayaan kang tumayo lang hanggang mag-end ang convo natin."

Sinunod ko ang sinabi niya upang hindi na mas mapahaba ang usapan. Pero siyempre, I kept the distance between us. Tumitig ako nang malayo, pinagmasdan ang mga luntiang bagay sa paligid upang pakalmahin ang aking isip.

"We were best friends for so many years," she said, breaking the silence. When I looked at her face, there was still a smile on it. "Hindi ko na yata bilang sa daliri ang tagal ng pinagsamahan natin. Magkasama tayo sa pagkain, pagtulog, pagpasok sa school at sa halos lahat ng bagay. Para ngang wala nang makapaghihiwalay sa ating dalawa. Dinaig pa natin ang kambal sa pagiging close."

I looked away. "Akala ko rin . . . habambuhay na tayong magkakasama. But eventually . . . like anything in this world, it came to an end. But I'm still glad. I'm glad to know you didn't forget all the memories we'd made together. And I hope . . . they would stay in your memory as long as you live."

"Mapurol ba ang memory ko para sa 'yo? Girl, mas matalas pa 'to sa inaakala mo, 'no! Pero sige, dahil desisyon ka, as long as I live, I will keep our beautiful memories deep inside my heart."

Hindi ko napigilang mapangiti nang malawak. "Salamat."

There was the silence again. Sa halip na basagin, pinakiramdaman ko ang mga sandaling ito sabay pikit ng aking mga mata. When I opened my eyes, Yunnah was still there. This was really happening. Maybe we couldn't turn back the past . . . but at least we could still make things work better at the present moment.

"So, what is it that you wanna know? Is it about Rafe? Sarreh, but I won't stop my plan on stealing him from you. I like him that much, you know."

Hindi pa rin siya nagbabago. Ano ba'ng e-expect-in ko sa kanya? Siguro gano'n siyang uri ng tao - may kakayahang maging mabuti at masama kung kailan niya ma-trip-an. She was so good at hiding her true colors back then that I didn't even had a glance at them.

Speaking of Rafe, he wouldn't even glance at me. He didn't want to have a conversation with me, I felt that. Kung may choice yata siya, hindi niya sisinghutin ang parehong hanging sinisinghot ko. Hindi ko muna pipiliting ayusin ang sitwasyon, hahayaan ko muna siya makahinga at makapagmuni-muni. Plus, marami pa'ng gumugulo sa isip ko ngayon.

I was mature enough to realize that this wasn't the right time to act on it. I just let things flow the way they wanted to.

"It's not about that," I replied. Nilunok ko ang sarili kong laway upang bawasan ang panunuyot ng aking lalamunan. "It's about our parents."

"Ohh."

Umihip ang malakas na hangin, tila bumubulong sa aking wala akong dapat ipag-alala. "I just found out about their past. Ang relasyon ng mama mo at papa ko, gano'n din ang kumplikadong kwento ng mama at papa ko. I thought my parents' love story was like a fairy tale. I thought it was like my mother was like a princess and my father was her prince, they fell in love at first sight and they ended up living happily ever after. Pero hindi pala. So here I am, gulong-gulo at hindi malaman ang iisipin."

"I'm glad na nae-experience mo 'yan." Daig ko pa ang sinampal sa mukha nang marinig 'yon. In a blink of an eye, her sweet smile was replaced with a devilish smirk. "At least you know how it feels now. Kung nabo-bother ka, paano naman ako when I knew it? Considering the fact na mommy ko ang dapat na asawa ng father mo?"

My jaw almost dropped. Mas matindi pa 'to sa pangba-backstab. Harap-harapan ang pag-atake niya, pero hirap akong paniwalaang nagagawa niya 'to sa 'kin ngayon.

Yunnah is never an ordinary girl. There is something more to her than anyone is able to see. She must be crazy.

"Oh, why do you look so surprised? You never expected to hear it? That's sad, Yumirah. In this world, hindi ka makaka-survive if you don't expect the worst. Alam mo ang isa sa mga motto ko sa buhay? Expect the worst so you'll never get disappointed. I-apply mo rin 'yon, at siguradong magiging manhid ka."

"Napakasama mo!" Napatayo na ako sa sobrang galit. Nangangati ang kamay kong sabunutan siya. Gusto ko rin siyang sampalin. Ngayon lang ako nagalit nang ganito sa kanya. Wala siyang kasing-sama!

Nilawakan niya ang kanyang ngisi, iniinsulto ako at tila ipinagtutulakang atakihin siya. "Ngayon mo lang nalaman? You're so naive, Yumirah."

"And you're the worst, Yunnah! I regret having you in my life!"

I was about to regret what I just said, but she yelled back at me, "I don't care! Wala ka namang pakinabang! You're just a piece of sh*t, Yumirah! Don't expect na manghihinayang akong mawala ka!"

Namuo ang luha sa aking mata. Kung dahil sa galit o sakit, hindi ko alam kung ano. I wished this was just a nightmare. At kung bangungot nga ito, this was the worst one I'd ever had. "I can't believe I'm hearing all these. I guess I never really knew what kind of person you are. Maybe hell does really exist, but the demons are all here."

She laughed, stood up and clapped. "You're learning, Yumirah! Ganyan nga, mag-isip ka! Hindi ka naman pala kasing-tang* ng iniisip ko, eh."

"Sana hindi na tayo nagkakilala! Sana lumayo na ako sa inyo noon pa!"

She rolled her eyes. "Hoy! Huwag ka ngang masyadong magmatapang diyan. Huwag mong kalilimutang sa kwento, mama mo ang real villain. Siya ang mang-aagaw!"

I moved closer to her and screamed at the top of my lungs. "Hindi mang-aagaw ang mama ko!"

She crossed her arms. Mas isinara ko naman ang kamao ko upang pigilan galawin siya. "Then, how should I call her? Malandi? Witch? Or . . . b*tch?"

Itinulak ko siya kaya't bumagsak ang katawan niya sa bakal na upuan. Halata ang sakit sa kanyang mukha, pero wala na akong pakialam kahit masugatan pa siya. "You're really the worst! I hate you, Yunnah! I hate you!"

"Ang sakit no'n, ha?!" Tumayo siya habang nanlalaki ang mga mata. Hindi niya ako masisindak sa nakakatakot niyang itsura. Kung wala na akong pasensiya, kanina pa pulang-pula ang mukha niya. "Tumatapang ka na, ha. Pinapabilib mo naman ako. I never expected this from you. Gano'n yata talaga kapag kumpleto ang buhay, malakas ang loob. Mapagmahal na mama, mabait na papa, gwapong best friend. Nasa 'yo na yata ang lahat. Ano kaya'ng feeling na mawala sa 'yo ang mga 'yon?"

"Nababaliw ka na!" Kahit halos mapaos na ako sa pagsigaw, pinilit kong kumalma. "I . . . understand how hard you've been through. Alam ko kung gaano kasakit ang nangyari sa 'yo at kung gaano kalungkot harapin 'yon nang mag-isa. Pero Yunnah . . . wala lang karapatang maging ganito kasama. Kahit wala nang pag-asa, umaasa pa rin akong babalik ka sa dating ikaw."

"Walang dating ako, Yumirah. Ito talaga ang totoong ako."

"Then . . . I should stop hoping." I averted my gaze for a second. "You're really out of your mind."

I turned my back to her and started walking away. Sana hindi ko na lang siya kinausap, wala rin akong napala. Being with her for a while only made me feel worse.

"Their story was really complicated." I stopped when she spoke. "Your dad and my mom were so in love. They were each other's first love. But . . . things weren't working on their side. That was when your mother came into the story. 'Tapos, sumunod ka. Kahit labag sa loob nila, they had to end things between them."

Natahimik ako at nang bumalik sa sarili'y nilingon siya. "But you and Shan also came into the picture. How could you explain that?"

She smiled. "The answer to that is something for you to find out yourself."

I stared at her, and when I realized I couldn't get anything from her anymore, I turned to her once again.

"And Yumirah . . . I didn't leave because I was miserable. I left because I wanted to escape. I made up the biggest lie. That guy in the past . . . I wasn't forced to have s*x with him back then. Ginusto ko 'yon."

- I CAN SEE YOUR TRUE COLORS -