YUMIRAH

PANSIN KO ang pagbabago kay mama. The sparks in her eyes were gone. Her smiles and laughters were forced. Her voice no longer sounded as cheerful as it always had been.

It started the day noong mahuli ko siyang lumuluha habang tinitingnan ang isang litrato. Pakiramdam ko, may kinalaman ang picture. Whatever it was, I needed to know why she was acting "strange." So I would stop worrying and overthinking.

Pagkagising ko, ang unang kong ginawa ay magtimpla ng kape. I didn't drink coffee often kaya hindi siguro nito mapapasama ang health ko. Maganda ring simulan ang umaga sa mainit na inumin.

At the living room, I found my mother crying while watching TV. Agad akong nag-alala dahil ito ang first time na nahuli ko siyang maging ganito kaemosyonal dahil sa isang drama. Pinagmasdan ko ang palabas. A scene where a woman was crying after finding out that her husband was cheating on her. Nagwawala siya at hindi makapaniwala sa mga nasaksihan na nagpa-flash sa kanyang isip.

"'Ma, are you okay?" I put the cup of coffee on the table, baka mabasag ko nang dahil sa sobrang pag-aalala. Hindi na nga ako nakapag-"good morning", eh. Mas mabilis pa kay flash niyang pinahid ang mga luha sabay tango. "Ang aga-aga, umiiyak po kayo. Iwas-iwasan n'yo ang panonood ng nakakaiyak, 'ma."

I really couldn't ignore it. Noong nakaraan, nakatulala, malalim ang iniisip at halatang malungkot lang si mama. And now, she was crying over a drama. I knew she wouldn't let me know even if I asked, so all I could do was wonder again what was really wrong.

Lumapit ako sa kanya't naupo sa tabi niya. I wanted to make her feel that she wasn't alone. I held her hand resting on her thigh. "Mama, is there something wrong? Para po kasing ang lungkot-lungkot n'yo nitong mga nakaraan. Kung may problema, huwag n'yong sarilinin. Katulad n'yo na laging nandiyan para sa 'kin, nandito rin po ako para damayan kayo."

Naninibago. Nalulungkot. Nag-aalala. My chest had been filled with mixed emotions since she turned to this. Ito pa lang ang time na nalungkot siya nang ganito. She is the kind of woman who would rather keep to herself what she was going through. Nag-aalala akong baka pati kay papa, hindi siya nagse-share.

Maybe my parents had a fight?

Parang malabo. Nothing had changed in the way my father look at, speak with and treat her. Pero si mama? Hindi na gano'n makitungo kay papa. Para siyang nahihirapang makipag-usap kay papa, kahit ang tingnan lang siya sa mata. I had been wondering why.

Suminghot siya at pinunasan ang pisngi sa huling pagkakataon. She smiled, but there was sadness in her eyes. "Okay lang ang mama mo, anak. Na-carried away lang ako sa eksena."

Her mouth said she was fine, but her eyes told me otherwise. Katulad ng best friend ko, kilala ko si mama. May mali, may problema. And that, I had to find out.

Humigpit ang hawak ko sa kamay niya. Sana'y maramdaman niyang hindi niya kailangang maglihim. It was really killing me to see her like this. "'Ma, are you sure? Pwede po kayong magsabi sa 'kin. Kayo ang nanay, but that doesn't mean kayo lang ang dapat na laging sinasandalan. Kapag hindi n'yo inilabas 'yan, I will get more worried."

She shook her head and put her palm on top of my hand holding her other hand. I knew exactly what she was going to do. She was going to lie to me again. "Don't worry about your mother, she's really okay. Totoo 'yon, na-carried away lang ako. Simula ngayon, hindi muna ako manonood ng drama. Kapag kaya ko na ulit manood nang hindi umiiyak, saka lang ako manonood."

Bumagsak ang mga balikat ko. Wala nga talaga siyang balak mag-share sa 'kin. She would deny it hanggang sa tumigil ako. But no, I needed to know why she was acting like this. So that I could help her ease the pain she was feeling inside. I just hoped that once I found out, there was something I could do to make it all okay.

Tumigil na ako sa pangungulit kay mama. Halatang kahit lumuhod pa ako't magmakaawa, she wouldn't tell me anything. Mas mauuna pa akong maubusan ng laway kaysa ang magsabi siya.

I hated watching news, pero para kay mama, inilipat ko sa balita sa umaga ang palabas. Mas kaya kong tiising marinig ang hindi magagandang balita sa bansa kaysa ang makitang umiiyak si mama. Mahirap para sa aking makitang nalulungkot ang pinakamatatag na babaeng kilala ko. Mas masakit pa 'to kaysa noong hindi ko mapanood ang favorite cartoon movie ko dahil wala na akong load. Parang unti-unti akong pinapatay sa loob.

Ang nanay ang ilaw ng tahanan. Kapag magulo ang isip niya at hindi maganda ang pakiramdam, parang nagpapatay-sindi ang ilaw at maaaring sa huli'y dumilim ang tahanan. Kapag may problema ang nanay, siguradong maaapektuhan ang buong pamilya.

Kaya nga simula nang mag-iba si mama, hindi lang ako ang naaapektuhan kundi pati rin si papa. He knew it too, he felt it too. I was sure that he was the first person to know it. But he must be trying to pretend that he didn't. He must be trying really hard to hide how worried he was. Kaya kagaya ng dati, palagi siyang nakangiti kay mama.

"How's school, Yumirah?" my father asked.

We were having our dinner, but my mind was elsewhere. I had been staring at mama. Since we started eating, she had been staring at her food. Mukhang hindi lang ako ang lumulutang ang isip.

I shifted my gaze at him, forcing a smile. "Okay na okay, papa. Sunod-sunod ang activities and quizzes dahil malapit na ang exam, pero kayang-kaya pa naman. Laban lang!"

I really tried hard to make my voice sounded cheerful. Nitong mga nakaraan, ang hirap maging masaya at masigla. Bukod sa malapit na naman akong magsunog ng kilay para sa paparating na exam, sumabay pa ang pagbabago ni mama. I wasn't as good as my best friend at hiding something, but I hoped my father didn't sense that something was wrong. I wasn't expert at pretending, but I hoped it worked.

Nag-aalala na siya kay mama, ayoko nang dumagdag pa.

"'Yan ang anak ko! Palaban!" nakangiting sabi niya. Palaban talaga ako. Otherwise, matagal ko nang naisipang tapusin ang paghihirap ko. Thanks to them, hindi ako nawalan ng mapagkukunan ng lakas at rason para magpatuloy sa buhay. "Galingan mo lang sa school. Your knowledge is something that can't be taken away from you kaya huwag kang mapapagod mag-aral. Huwag kang tumulad sa 'kin na hanggang high school lang ang tinapos."

"'Pa, huwag ka ngang magsalita nang ganyan," mahinahong sabi ko. Mas mahihirapan akong kumain dahil mas lalong lumungkot dito. "Kahit ano pa ang natapos mo, it will never change the fact that you are a good man and I have always looked up to you. Mataas ang tingin ko sa inyo, kaya huwag n'yong ibababa ang sarili n'yo. Para sa akin at sa pamilya, hindi lang ang mga pangarap n'yo ang isinakripisyo n'yo. Pareho kayo ni mama. Thank you so much po sa inyo."

When I mentioned her, my mother lifted her gaze at me and smiled. I was thankful because my words somehow made her feel better. But seeing her smile genuinely wasn't enough, gusto kong tuluyan na siyang maging masaya.

"Wala 'yon, 'nak," tugon ni papa na nakita kong napangiti nang makitang ngumiti nang hindi pilit si mama. Kita ko sa kislap ng mata niya habang tinititigan ang labi ni mama ang malalim niyang pagmamahal para rito. "Responsibilidad naming magsakripisyo para siguruhing magkakaroon ka ng magandang buhay at kinabukasan. We are willing to do and sacrifice everything, even our own happiness, just for you. Ikaw ang nag-iisa naming anak at ang pinakamagandang biyaya na natanggap namin. Ano man ang gusto mong i-pursue sa buhay, handa kaming suportahan ka at tulungang maabot 'yon."

Those words were heartwarming and touching that I almost cried. Even though it was making my throat really dry, I held back my tears. Sa dami ng ginawa nila para sa 'kin, may malaking parte sa 'kin ang nagi-guilty. I once wondered what their lives would be if they didn't have me. And that just broke my broken heart even more.

"Words can't explain how grateful I am that I have both of you in my life. 'Pa, 'ma," nahihirapang sabi ko. "Thank you po talaga. Hindi ko kailangan ng marangyang buhay at kahit anong materyal na bagay, kayo lang ang gusto ko. Mag-stay lang na kayo na magkakasama at masaya, masayang-masaya na ako."

"'Yon lang ba talaga ang gusto mo?" nakangiti pa ring sabi ni papa. "'Yan lang pala, eh! Pangako, we will stay this way forever. Nothing can break us apart, wala talaga. Until our last breath, your mother and I won't leave you at mananatili tayong kumpleto."

That made my smile grow wider. Noong wala nang sunod pang binigkas si papa, nagpatuloy ako sa pagkain. Palihim kong sinulyapan si mama, hinihintay siyang magsalita ng kahit na ano. Nang muling magsimulang mabuo ang pag-aalala sa dibdib ko, she finally opened her mouth.

Nakita ko ang bahagya niyang paglunok. I hoped she knew how I badly wanted to hear her sweet voice. Nitong mga nakaraan, sa tuwing kumakain kami nang sabay, nagsasalita lang siya kapag kinakailangan. "Tama ang sinabi ng tatay mo. We are willing to do everything we can para mapasaya ka, Yumi. But . . . we can't promise that things will stay the same as they ever were. Hindi natin hawak ang hinaharap, anak."

Ang pag-asang nagsimulang mabuhay nang buksan niya ang kanyang mga labi ay namatay matapos kong marinig ang mga salitang lumabas mula rito. I held tighter the spoon that I almost dropped as if my life depended on it. Nanunuyo na naman ang lalamunan ko kaya lumunok ng dalawang beses. A few words. A few words were enough to make me feel this way, as if my world had stopped turning.

"W-What do you mean, 'ma?" I forced a smile. Nakikita ko ang pagtuon ni papa ng paningin kay mama. Hindi ko magawang ibaling sa kanya ang buo kong paningin, pero alam kong hindi rin niya inaasahan ang sinabi ng asawa. "Ang seryoso po masyado ng boses n'yo, parang kinabahan ako bigla."

Tumawa pa ako nang pilit, umaasang ano man ang nais niyang ipahiwatig ay hindi ako masasaktan. Pakiramdam ko kasi, alam ko ang ibig niyang sabihin at hindi ko 'yon magugustuhan.

"Malaki ka na kaya maiintindihan mo na siguro 'to," she started. Sandali siyang nagbato ng tingin kay papa bago muling itinuon ang mga mata sa akin. Her eyes, I couldn't read them. Walang lungkot, walang saya. Walang kahit anong emosyon. "Kami ng papa mo, ang pamilyang 'to, tayo. There's no guarantee that we will stay the way we always have been. We will never know kung hanggang saan ka namin masasamahan ng tatay mo, kung hanggang kailan tayo magkakasama-sama nang ganito."

Nabitawan ko ang kutsara. Nagkaroon ng katahimikan kaya dinig na dinig namin ang ginawa nitong ingay. Dahil sa bigat ng damdamin, hindi ako nag-abalang pulutin 'yon. "'Ma, ano po ba'ng sinasabi n'yo? Are you saying na pwedeng masira ang pamilya natin?"

We never had this kind of conversation until now. I didn't even imagine we would talk like this, about why it wasn't as easy as I had imagined for us to stay together and happy. Pinigilan ko ang pangingilid ng mga luha. Lumunok ako upang matigil na ang pagtuyo ng aking lalamunan. Kinagat ko pa ang ibaba kong labi upang pigilin ang pagsabog ng mga emosyon sa dibdib ko at makapagsabi ng hindi ko pinag-iisipan.

Only God knew how hard I was trying right now to control my emotions.

'Yong biglaang pagbabago ni mama. 'Yong pag-iiba ng pakikitungo niya kay papa. And now, this. It was the first time this happened. At ayokong i-take ito bilang sign na may mangyayaring hindi maganda sa pamilyang 'to.

No, hindi ko kakayanin 'yon.

Kaya hindi ko masisisi ang sarili ko kung nabibigla ako at puno ng halo-halong emosyon ngayon. Pagluha, pagsigaw, pagwawala. I didn't quite know what I really wanted to do to make myself feel better. Pero ano man 'yon, I was certain it would only make the situation worse. That was why I was trying my best to maintain my self-control at this very moment.

No, not in front of them. Hindi rito, hindi ngayon.

"Everything is possible." Those three words were like a bucket of ice I didn't expected to be thrown right at me. It made me feel cold and sick. If this were a dream, I wished someone would wake me up now. And I would never want to dream about it again. "Yumi, katulad ng papa mo, I also want what's best for you. Pero tao lang din kami, may hindi kayang gawin. Katulad ng pagkontrol sa future. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say."

I opened my mouth, but I didn't seem to find my voice. Kinailangan ko pang lumunok para makapagsalita nang tuluyan. "Bakit mo sinasabi ang lahat ng 'to, 'ma? Kung magsalita ka, parang wala kang magagawa para panatiling buo ang pamilya natin. Ayaw n'yo bang manatili tayong kumpleto habambuhay?"

"Gusto ko, anak!" she replied, raising her voice. She paused when she realized she lost control of herself for a moment. May mali talaga, meron. "Gustong-gusto ko. Pero hindi lahat ng gusto mo, ibibigay sa 'yo. Gusto ko lang din maging handa ka . . . just in case something happens. Just in case things suddenly change."

It's already changing, 'ma.

I held back the words I really wanted to say and forced a nod instead, saying, "I understand, 'ma."

Before my eyes landed on my food, they caught my father giving me a look I didn't quite understand. Siguradong hirap na hirap na siya. Mahal ko si mama, pero ang pagmamahal ni papa para sa kanya'y hindi mapapantayan nito.

I couldn't wait for this to be over.

Halatang hindi okay si mama. Noong papunta siya sa kitchen sink, nabitawan niya ang kanyang hawak. Tinulungan ko siya upang siguruhing hindi siya masusugatan.

"Stop worrying about her, she'll be fine," biglang sabi ni papa habang nakatitig ako sa direksiyon kung saan wala na si mama.

I shifted my gaze at him. "Okay lang ba kayo ni mama, 'pa?"

Hindi ako kasing-talino ni Rafe, pero alam kong ano man ang problema nina mama't papa bilang mag-asawa'y hindi ko na dapat pinakikialaman. But I couldn't just shut my mouth. Hindi ko na kinakaya ang nangyayari. Nag-aalala akong baka sa susunod, mas malala pa ang mangyari. That was a disturbing thought I didn't want to entertain.

"Wala kaming problema," sagot niya. He didn't sound a hundred percent confident. "Halos hindi kami nagtatalo ng mama mo. Wala akong naaalalang may pinag-awayan kami."

I wanted to believe him, pero may pagdududa sa kanyang pagsasalita. I gave him a are-you-telling-the-truth look as I asked, "Sure po ba kayo? Kung meron, siguro pwede n'yong ipaalam sa akin. Kahit hindi na 'yong buong detalye."

He shook his head. If something was really going on between them, halatang walang balak si papa na magsabi sa 'kin. Kung gano'n nga, hindi ko masisisi ang sarili kong maramdaman na parang hindi ako parte ng pamilya. "Wala talaga, Yumirah. I don't know what's wrong with your mother. Okay naman kami at masaya noong nakalipas na mga araw hanggang sa tila may magsimulang gumulo sa kanya. Naging tulala at tahimik siya bigla sa hindi ko malamang dahilan, para bang wala siya sa sarili."

Ngayo'y masasabi ko nang nagsasabi ng totoo si papa. Hindi ko na dapat pang idagdag sa problema ang pagdududa sa kanya. What I had to do was find out what was bothering my mother, if that was really the case here.

"Stop worrying about your mother, Yumirah," he gently told me. Puno ng emosyon ang kanyang mga mata. Halatang apektado rin talaga siya. "This shall too pass. Ano man ang gumugulo sa mama mo, she'll get over it. Magiging maayos din ang lahat."

"I hope so, papa."

"Sa halip na mapuno ng pag-aalala, why don't you just prepare for your exams?" he said, forcing a smile. Para niya ring sinasabing iwanan ko na lang sa kanila ang problema. But no, I couldn't. Lagi ko na lang ipinauubaya sa kanila ang problema ng pamilya. This time, I wanted to do something. Kahit ang mag-alala man lang.

"Gagawin ko po 'yan, 'pa! Magiging mataas po ang scores ko! I won't let you down!" I said as I lifted my clenched hand, trying as hard as I could to sound enthusiastic as if I wasn't worrying about anything or anyone just a moment ago. I was still worried like I never did before, pero kailangan kong itago upang hindi makadagdag pa sa alalahanin ni papa.

He gave me a smile. This time, it was genuine one. Itinaas din niya ang saradong kamao sabay sabing, "'Yan ang anak ko!"

This shall too pass. We will eventually get over this. Together.

-

TOMORROW WAS the start of our second quarter examination. Kumpara sa pagre-review ko noong Sabado't Linggo, mas higit ang paghahanda ko ngayon. Kaya nga pagdating ko't walang naghihintay sa aking gawaing-bahay, nagsimula na akong mag-aral.

I had always believed that grades don't define one's intelligence but the amount of effort one has exerted to earn them. But no matter how much effort I exerted, hindi kasing-taas ng mga marka ng aking best friend ang akin. And that made me think that maybe effort would never be enough, kailangan may katalinuhan din. If I wasn't mistaken, I spent much more time studying compared to him, pero hindi ko pa naranasang malampasan o mapantayan man lang ang scores niya. He is a fast learner after all.

Bakit ba bigla-bigla ko siyang naiisip?

Siguro'y dahil sinabi niyang magkasama kaming mag-aaral. I asked him why, and he said he wanted to help. Siyempre, may kasama 'yong insulto. Hindi ko tuloy alam kung magiging grateful ako o maiinsulto.

My eyes narrowed into slits as they stared at the sentence I didn't quite understand. There were times that when my best friend was insulting me, nasasaktan ako. Alam ko kasing totoo ang sinasabi niya. Kagaya nang pag-insulto niya sa katalinuhan ko kanina.

KNOCK! KNOCK!

I stood up and walked to my door. It didn't surprise me when Rafe emerged from it after I swung it open. Dala-dala niya ang sariling bag na siguradong naglalaman ng kanyang sariling notes. Hindi halatang wala siyang tiwala sa taking-notes skills ko, ah.

"Mukhang nasa kuwarto ako ng babae," sabi niya habang inililibot ang paningin sa kuwarto ko. He was starting his "insulting" game, again. He didn't even started with a "hi" or "hello". Si Rafe nga talaga 'to. "Akala ko, maliligaw na naman ako gaya no'ng huli kong pasok dito. Wala na sigurong bra na pakalat-kalat?"

I rolled my eyes as I felt my cheeks burning. Normal ang tono niya, pero siguradong inaasar niya ako. Insultong may kasamang pang-aasar, great. "Forget about that, please. Hindi ko sinadyang ikalat 'yon, ang tagal ko ngang hinanap, eh."

"Bakit defensive ang beshy ko?" sabi niya sabay tuon ng paningin sa akin. "Are you sure you didn't intentionally put it on the floor para mainggit ako sa dibdib mo? Ay! May dibdib ba ang beshy ko?"

Nilapitan ko siya para paluin sa braso at pinanlakihan ng mga mata. Tumama na naman ang komento niya, nakakasakit na talaga. "Will you please stop teasing me, Rafe? Nalimutan mo na ba kung bakit ka nandito? If I could go back in time, I wouldn't have opened the door and let you in."

"Ay, ang harsh!" maarteng sabi niya. This was one of those moments I wished he was serious as hell. Mas guwapo siya kapag seryoso ang kanyang boses at mukha. "Ang bilis mo talagang majirita, sis! Meron ka ba?"

I rolled my eyes once again. Kahit nakakasira pa ng mata ang pag-irap, hindi ko ito mapipigilan sa tuwing kaharap ko siya. "Mag-start na tayong mag-aral para hindi ka abutin ng gabi. Mas delikado ang daan kapag madilim na."

"Problema ba 'yan? Eh 'di dito ako matutulog kapag nagkataon!" tugon niya habang sinusundan ako patungo sa study table. Nailagay ko na sa pinakamagandang pwesto ang mesa at may upuan na para sa kanya para kapag dumating siya, magsisimula na kami agad. "Bilang isang mabuting kaibigan, dapat handa kang i-share sa best friend mo ang maliit mong kwarto. Para namang may gagawin ako sa 'yo kung sakali."

Huminto ako at hinarap siya. I put my hands on my hips, raising my brows at him. "May sinabi ba akong ganyan? Matutulungan mo pa rin siguro ako nang hindi nagha-hanash ng kung ano-ano?"

Kapag bakla ang kaibigan mo, humanda ka nang mag-save ng gay words sa sarili mong dictionary. Noong bagong magkaibigan pa lang kami, nahihirapan akong intindihin siya at palagi kong tinatanong ang kahulugan ng salitang sinasambit niya. As time went by, nabawasan nang husto ang paggamit niya ng gay language. Napansin ko ring mas nag-e-english na siya. Siguro sa dati niyang school, puro bakla rin ang kasa-kasama niya.

He looked amused. Parang mukha ng batang dinala sa park ang mukha niya. "Wow! Borrowing my own word, huh? Bawal bang mag-hanash? Tsina-charot-charot ka lang naman, jiritang-jirita ka na."

Gustong umirap ng mga mata ko, pero pinigilan ko. Kapag nasobrahan, baka mahanginan ang mga ito at ma-stuck nang gano'n. I just ignored what he said and sat back on my seat. Mabuti't hindi na siya nagsalita ng walang kinalaman sa lessons, kaya nakapag-start na kami.

Napakagat-labi na lang ako habang pinagmamasdan ang aking score. Ten over twenty. The passing score was three fourth of the total number of items, not one half. Nilinaw pa nga niya 'yon sa decimal, seventy-five percent daw at hindi fifty. Ibig sabihin, at least fifteen dapat ang makuha ko.

Ugh!

Who prepared the set of questions I needed to answer after reviewing our lessons for this quarter? Eh, 'di ang best friend kong si Rafe! After scanning my notes, he sent me through Messenger the twenty-item test he prepared just for me. His effort was much appreciated, but I was starting to get frustrated. Isang subject pa lang ito, pero para na akong hihimatayin.

"Tsk, tsk, tsk!" Napailing-iling siya habang minamasdan ang papel ko. Heto na naman siya. "Kulang na kulang ang score mo para pumasa. I expected it to be challenging, but not this challenging. Maha-haggardo versoza ako nang maaga dahil sa 'yo."

"Should I say sorry?" There was a hint of irritation in my voice. At that moment, I wasn't sure if it was my score or him that got me annoyed. "You should've informed me na naghanda ka ng test para mas nakapagsunog ako ng kilay. Ni walang multiple choices."

"So, you're blaming me for your low score, huh?" he said, giving me an unbelievable look. Mas nagmukha siyang babae kaysa sa akin dahil sa masungit niyang mukha. "Instead of blaming me, why don't you admit to yourself that you didn't study enough to get a passing score?"

"Hindi mo talaga bagay maging inspirational speaker," komento ko. "I tried my best, okay - "

"And your best isn't enough. Mag-aral ka pa," parang nanay na utos niya. Bigyan mo siya ng wig at glasses, magmumukha na siyang masungit na librarian. Siya yata ang meron, eh. "Huwag ka kasi puro tango at agree. If there's something you don't understand, you should ask. You don't have to pretend to know something that you really don't. Otherwise, do you think matututo ka talaga?"

I shook my head, looking like a little kid who decided to obey her mom. If he were to become a mother, I was certain he would never be the best one.

Napangiti siya't ipinatong niya ang kanyang kamay sa ulo ko. I wished he did that gesture because he thought I was cute, not because I looked like a dog. I didn't even like the idea of looking like a cute puppy. "If you listen to every thing I say, you will surely get high scores tomorrow! I know you don't think you're smart, Mirah, but in order to achieve anything, you must have faith in yourself. Even if it seems impossible, you should believe that it's possible."

Nakaramdam ako ng kuryente nang hawakan ang kamay niya upang alisin sa ulo ko. His words were inspiring, but I couldn't help furrowing my brows at them. "You're like saying that I should fool myself. Tingin mo ba talaga magwo-work 'yan? Sa akin?"

"You didn't get my point, Mirah," he replied, his voice calm. "Have you heard of fake it till you make it? Your subconscious mind doesn't know the difference between an illusion and reality. If you start acting like it, you will eventually become the person you want to be. Like for example: if you want to be confident, you just have to act like you are, and voila! You'll become confident."

"Psh!" I didn't expect that sound to come out of my mouth. "Sana gano'n nga lang kadali 'yon."

"Magtiwala ka na nga lang sa 'kin." I knew he wanted to roll his eyes, but he didn't. He was probably trying hard to look like some inspirational speaker, which I didn't think would be perfect for him. "Believe it and you'll make it! Okay?! You can do it! Kaunting push pa!"

With that enthusiastic voice and pretty eyes of him, I nodded my head and smiled without even thinking. He may not be that good at inspiring me, but he was great at playing the role of a best friend.

Thanks to him, naging madali na naman ang pag-aaral ko. Hindi pa ako nakaka-get over sa perfect score ko nang dumating si mama para hatiran kami ng meryenda.

"Thanks, tita!"

"Thank you, mama!"

She may not be okay, but she managed a smile. She may have changed, but she was still the best mother in the world for me. Patunay ang hindi niya paglimot na dalhan kami ng makakain. "I should be the one saying that, Rafael. Lagi mo na lang tinutulungan ang anak ko sa pag-aaral, palaki tuloy nang palaki ang utang na loob ko sa 'yo."

"Wala 'yon, tita," tugon niya. "Just give us your blessing and be my mother-in-law, that would be really enough."

Malawak ang ngiting umalis si mama sa kwarto ko. Kahit hindi ko gusto ang joke ni Rafe, malaki ang pasasalamat ko sa kanya sa pagpapasaya kay mama. It felt like years since the last time I saw her smile as wide as that.

"How's she?" Rafe asked when the door closed. "Based from what I've observed, she's better now. Mukha pa rin siyang malungkot, but she's trying. She's trying to look okay, to be okay again."

I put my eyes on my paper where twenty-over-twenty was written. "Something's bothering her. Madalas pa rin siyang wala sa sarili. May time pa nga na nahuli ko siyang umiiyak dahil sa isang drama. We can't stop worrying about her. Wala siyang sakit, pero mas malala pa ro'n ang problema."

He held my hand. I couldn't help but swallow because it drew a weird reaction out from me. "I'm sure she's going to be the way she was before soon . . . May idea ka na ba kung bakit siya . . . "

Hindi niya itinuloy ang sasabihin para hindi mas bumigat ang dibdib ko. He really knew how to make me feel better.

I shook my head, staring at our clasped hands. "I still don't know why. Pati si papa, wala ring idea. Mas hindi tuloy namin alam ang iisipin."

He gave my hand a little squeeze. Kinagat ko ang ibabang labi nang muli nitong ibigay ang kakaibang pakiramdam. "Give her more time. She just needs enough time to clear her mind. Matatag si tita kaya imposibleng hindi siya bumalik sa dati, masaya, masigla at puno ng pag-asa. Everything will get better."

Sana nga talaga . . .

Nagpatuloy kami sa pag-aaral. Kapag may hindi ako naiintindihan, tatanungin ko lang siya at ipapaliwanag niya. Binigyan pa niya ako ng tips para mas madali akong makapag-memorize.

He was the one to fall asleep. Tumingin ako sa labas upang makitang wala na ang araw. I then shifted my gaze at his gorgeous face and stared at it, wondering about the "strange" reaction he had drawn from me. I put my head on the table, my eyes not leaving his face and thinking if he could possibly be an angel that had fallen from heaven. Hindi ko nalamayan ang pagsara ng aking mga mata.

Paggising ko, wala na siya. I opened my phone to find that it was already 7:15 in the evening. Hinawakan ko ang aking mukha at tinanggal ang pink sticky note na nakadikit doon. I was a hundred percent sure Rafe was the one who wrote what was written on it and that I owned this little piece of paper.

You really look like sleeping beauty when you're sleeping peacefully.
I hope you stop worrying about your mother. Everything will be okay.

Napangiti ako. Then a few seconds later, after I noticed that something was also written at the back, my smile was replaced with a frown.

Charot lang 'yong una, naniwala ka naman?
By the way, good luck sa exam!

He really knew how to piss me off.

-I CAN SEE YOUR TRUE COLORS-