WARNING!!!
This chapter contains a scene or two that some readers may find disturbing. Please, be mindful of this. Practice self-care as you read.

YUMIRAH

I WAS walking down the hallway. My eyes were looking ahead, kaya hindi ko masabi kung nasaang parte ako ng school. And where was I going? I didn't know. I could see, I could walk  But it seemed that my mind wasn't working.

Something was off here.

I kept on taking steps forward. I wanted to look around to find out where I was and why I was here. But my body did not cooperate. Para akong robot na hindi kinokontrol ang sarili kundi kinokontrol ng kung sino.

I stopped when a guy came out of nowhere. We were about three meters apart. Tumitig sa kanya ang aking mga mata, pero katulad ng paligid, hindi ko siya malarawan nang malinaw. All I could tell was he was in black. Black hoodie, black jeans. Dark aura.

My eyes may not recognize him, but my body and mind did. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero alam kong delikado siyang tao. My instinct told me to get away from him and run! 

So, that was what I did. I ran as fast as I could. Pero parang may mali. Tila hindi ko maramdaman ang aking mga binti o ang pananakit nito. Wala akong marinig na ingay mula sa mabibigat kong hakbang, ni ang malakas na tibok ng puso. I wanted to open my mouth and scream at the top of my lungs. Pero katulad ng katawan ko, hindi ko ito mautusan. Kahit pakiramdam ko'y hindi ako nakakaalis sa kinaroroonan ko, hindi ako tumigil sa pagtakbo.

Hindi ako hiningal. Hindi ako napagod. Mabuti rin at hindi ako nadapa.

Pero . . .

Kusang napahinto ang mga paa ko nang biglang sumulpot ang nakakatakot na lalaki sa mismong harapan ko. My eyes widened and it felt like my heart was about to explode. Sapat na ang presensiya niya para maubusan ako ng hininga, paano pa kaya ang maging malapit sa kanya?

Pero ang mas nakapagtataka, walang pagkakataong nasilayan ko ang mukha niya. Basta marahas niyang hinawakan at hinila ang aking brasong nanghihina. Sinubukan kong kumawala sa kanya, pero wala akong panama sa malaki at malakas niyang braso. All I could do was let my tears roll down my face as he dragged me somewhere I didn't know. 

In a snap of fingers, wala na kami sa hallway. Nasa lugar kami na hindi ko pa rin matukoy kung saan. Madilim na paligid. Walang tao. Walang ingay. Walang mahihingan ng tulong.

Puwersahan niya akong pinahiga. Hindi ko masabi kung malambot ang binagsakan ko dahil nanatiling manhid ang katawan ko. I couldn't move. I couldn't speak. I was filled with fears. Kahit nanlalabo ang paningin sanhi ng luha, nakita ko ang pagtanggal niya ng damit. Halos ikamatay ko nang unti-unti niyang inilapit ang kanyang mukha sa akin.

Pagkatapos . . .

Napabalikwas ako sa malambot kong hinihigaan kasabay ng pagmulat ng basa kong mga mata. My eyes looked around the place as my tears kept on streaming down my face.

Unlike the place where I was a few moments ago, I could clearly and and describe every detail of where I was now. Sa hilip na dilim, mayroong liwanag. Sa halip na school, nasa isa akong kuwarto. May cabinet, table, salamin at iba pang bagay. Higit sa lahat, I was all alone and that guy was gone.

A realization then dawned on me.

Thank God, that was just a nightmare.

I stared blankly at the wall. What had just happened felt real. It almost killed me. It already did, it killed me inside. I tried to comfort myself as I wiped the tears away.

Kahit nahugot ko na ang sarili sa napakasamang bangungot, pakiramdam ng katawan ko, naroon pa rin ako. Mukhang matagal ulit bago ako maka-move on.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and closed my eyes, hoping it would help. But it turned out to be a wrong move. Because as I saw the darkness, I started to hear "that" voice. "Her" hopeless voice. 

"Ni-rape niya ako!"

An innocent face flashed inside my mind. Her cheeks were wet with tears, her eyes filled with fears. Ang tagal na panahong hindi ko siya nasilayan, mga panahong tumatakas ako sa nakaraan. But nothing had changed. She still looked hurt and miserable as ever. Just looking at her was enough to break my heart.

Nang muli akong magmulat ng mata, kumawala ang mga luha. I realized that no matter how many years had passed, kahit kaunti, hindi nabawasan ang takot at sakit sa loob ko sanhi ng nakaraan. I had been trying to escape, but to no avail. Kahit saan ako tumakbo, mahahanap at mahahanap ako ng masakit kong ala-ala.

Maybe there really are times that when we are hurting, all we have to do is cry. That was what I did. Hindi ako nag-abalang pahirin ang basang mukha at hinayaang bumuhos ang mga mata na parang patak ng ulan.

After crying like a little kid, I looked into my mirror. I forced a smile at the person looking like a mess that I was seeing. Itinaas ko ang aking kamay sabay sabing, "That's okay, Mirah! Gaya ng sinabi ni Rafe, you can do this!"

That made me feel better, but I knew "someone" who could make me feel really fine. Tiningnan ko ang phone na nasa aking kama. Katabi ko 'yong natulog matapos naming mag-video call kagabi ng best friend ko. I badly wanted to talk to him, hear his soothing voice and comforting words. But remembering everything he had done for me, I changed my mind.

Masyado nang malaki ang utang na loob ko sa kanya.

Inayos ko muna ang sarili bago lumabas. If mama saw me like this, she would get worried. Kinailangan ko pa tuloy maligo nang maaga kahit Sabado.

I thought that seeing my mother's face would somehow lessen whatever I was feeling inside, so she was the first thing I looked for. Pero napuntahan ko na halos lahat ng sulok ng bahay, pero hindi pa rin siya nasisilayan ng mga mata ko. Kahit ang kuwarto nila ni papa ay bakante rin.

Our small garden was the last thing in my list. If I didn't find her there, siguradong may lakad siya. But I doubted that because that rarely happened. Siya ang uri ng magulang na mas pipiliing mag-stay sa bahay upang gumawa ng gawaing-bahay kaysa lumabas, maliban kung may importante kailangang puntahan.

Pagkatapak sa garden, nakumpirma kong hindi siya umalis.

My eyebrows furrowed when she quickly hid whatever picture she was holding and wiped her face the moment she felt my presence. Pilit siya ngumiti para lituhin ako, para hindi ko malamang umiyak siya. "Oh, Yumi! Good morning! Come here!"

I sensed that something was wrong, but I managed a smile. Naglakad ako papalapit at naupo sa kanyang tabi. "Good morning, 'ma! How was your sleep? Okay po ba kayo?"

My mother is a tough woman. There was only one possible reason why she cried: overwhelming emotion. Sobrang saya, sobrang sakit, at iba pang emosyon na sobra na nahihirapan siyang i-handle. Nakayanan niyang huwag umiyak sa office, kaya siguradong malalim ang dahilan ng pag-iyak niya ngayong umaga.

"Oo naman!" Tumango siya at nakangiti, ngunit taliwas 'yon sa nakikita ko sa mga mata niyang namumula pa. "How about you? Nakatulog ka ba nang maayos? Hindi ka ba binangungot?"

Sapul! Hindi man sinadya ni mama na itanong 'yon, kuhang-kuha niya ang dahilan ng pag-iyak ko sa umaga.

Nagdalawang-isip ako bago sumagot, "How did you know that, 'ma? That's what exactly happened before I got up."

Mas naging malungkot ang malungkot na niyang mukha. And I thought telling her that was a wrong move. "Tungkol saan ang bangungot mo? I-share mo nga sa 'kin."

"Nakakatakot. Nakakaiyak." Ayokong mas mag-alala siya sa akin, kaya agad akong nag-isip ng ibang bagay na maaaring pag-usapan. Dinama ko ang malamig na hangin. Bakit madalas kong maramdaman na nauulit ang parehong pangyayari? "Kumusta na kaya si Yunnah ngayon? Is she doing fine? Is she happy? Or . . . miserable?"

I saw how she forced a smile. "She must be doing just fine. She's a strong girl, wala siyang hindi kakayanin. You don't have to worry about her, Yumi."

I agreed with what she said. Matindi ang pinagdaanan niya, but she never gave up. She chose to leave the past and move on in her life, no matter how tough that was. If I was put in the same situation, hindi ko alam kung kakayanin ko.

"I am trying not to worry, but I can't help it," I said as I stared at nothing. "I've always missed her. Hindi siya nawala sa isip ko kahit matagal na nang huli kaming magkasama. If she was here, I would have been the happiest person in the world. Kahit iniwan niya ako, kaibigan pa rin ang tingin ko sa kanya. Pero baka sa kanya, parte na lang ako ng nakaraan. Madilim na nakaraan."

Everything changes, everyone does. Even this small garden would change someday. Kaya hangga't may pagkakataon ka pa, titigan at kuhanan mo na ng litrato sa isip mo ang mayroon ka sa kasalukuyan. Because in a blink of an eye, it could be taken away from you.

"Paano niya magagawa 'yon?" sabi niya. "It's impossible to forget the person who never left your side during your darkest times."

"Sana nga," umaasang tugon ko. "But I still don't understand why she cut the ties connecting us together. Katulad ng communication. I know she had to move on, but why it felt like she also cut me off her life? That even from me, she had to move on?"

Thinking about her was enough to break my heart into pieces. Dati, para kaming kambal-tuko na hindi mapaghihiwalay ng kahit sino. I loved her, I always have. That was why when she was facing the worst times of her life, I was with her. But I realized that she may haven't felt that she wasn't alone.

"Maybe in that way, it was easier for her to move forward. To get through everything." Her voice was calm and soft. I would never get tired listening to it. "Yumi, we have different ways of facing life challenges. What works for you might not work for her, and vice versa. Intindihin mo na lang siya, anak. Alam mo kung gaano kahirap ang sugat na nabuo sa puso niya. Basta kapag bumalik siya at nangangailangan ng tulong, do not think twice and offer her everything you can. Sabi sa kanta, that's what friends are for ~~"

Hearing her sing that song made me smile. Isinandal ko ang aking ulo sa balikat ni mama habang hinahaplos nito ang aking buhok. Thanks to her, hindi tuluyang nasira ang araw ko.

Yunnah, wherever you are, I hope you are happy. And please, huwag mo akong kalilimutan.

***

"Why did I have to change what I was wearing? Ang ganda na ng dress ko kanina."

RAFE AND I were inside his car. Bago bumiyahe paalis sa bahay, pinagpalit niya agad ako matapos makita ang suot ko. It was no big deal, but I actually felt more confident in that dress.

Parang may nakita akong pagkinang sa mga mata niya nang suriin ako mula ulo hanggang paa. Siguro namalikmata lang ako. Because if he liked it, he wouldn't have told me to put on another dress. Or maybe he did, nainggit lang siguro. Nalimutan kong bakla nga siya.

"That dress was so pretty that it didn't suit you," sagot niya. Sa sobrang straightforward niya, para akong nawalan ng hininga. "I know what suits you and what doesn't. Ayokong mapahiya ka sa harap ng family ko."

That was... I didn't know what to say that I almost got speechless. Mabuti't napilit ko ang bunganga kong bumukas. "G-Gano'n ba?"

Hindi ko siya kayang tingnan, so I looked away. Para niya akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig. Napatingin ako sa driver na tinitingnan pala ako sa rearview mirror. If he didn't hear my best friend's insult, it would've been better. He gave me a meaningful. Not knowing what that exactly meant, I gave a forced smile in return.

After a few moments of silence, Rafe turned his head to me. "Oh? Bakit natahimik ka?"

"Wala," maikling sagot ko.

"Nagtampo ka ba dahil sa dress na 'yon?" I almost rolled my eyes. Matagal na niya akong kilala, bakit hindi niya ako mabasa? Well, ako rin naman sa kanya. "Well, the truth is I don't think wearing that dress for the dinner was a good idea."

My eyebrows furrowed as my eyes shifted their gaze at me. Uulitin ba niya ang insulto niya para sa 'kin? "Bakit naman?"

He sighed as I hoped he wouldn't repeat what he told me a minute ago. "To be honest, you look so beautiful in that dress. But that was above-the-knee, too short and almost half of your thighs were showing. If my brother wasn't home, I would've let you wear it. Pero kilala mo si Kuya Riley. Kahit anong uri ng hita, maganda o hindi, paglalawayan niya. Kaya pinagpalit kita ng mas mahabang dress."

Ang nabuong ngiti sa umpisa ay naglaho sa huli niyang sinabi. Okay na sana, eh. "So, concerned ka lang sa 'kin? Thank you. Pero mabait si Kuya Riley sa akin, I don't think magagawa niyang bastusin ako."

He stared at me for a second, his brows almost forming a straight line. "Seriously? Parang ikaw lang ang naniniwalang mabuti siya. I've been with him since I was born, I know him more than anyone else does. Kahit yata asong babae, pinagnanasaan niya."

"Hey!" Pinanlakihan ko siya nang mata. "Sobra ka sa kuya mo. Kapatid mo siya, huwag kang ganyan."

"And? You have a crush on him?" Halos mapangiwi ako habang siya'y masama ang tingin sa 'kin. Ramdam ko ang kabutihan ng kuya niya, pero malabong magkagusto ako sa kanya. "Marami nang babae ang kuya ko, don't try to add your name to the list. He may be beautiful on the outside, but he's actually rotten - "

"I don't like your big brother," I told him to shut his mouth. Hindi ko kinakaya ang assumption niya. "I appreciate your concern. But I hope you stop being harsh to him. Mas madali n'yong mapoprotektahan si Rebecca kapag magkasundo kayo."

Bigla na lang pumasok sa isip ko 'yon. I am an only child, and I had been wondering how it would be like to have siblings. Lalo na ang nakatatandang kuya na magtatanggol sa akin. Masuwerte si Rebecca at biniyayaan siya ng dalawang kuya - O isang kuya at isang "ate."

May kung ano sa kanyang mata nang tumugon. "Kaya ko siyang protektahan nang mag-isa. I am willing to sacrifice everything, even my life, just to keep her safe. Nakayanan ko na noon, mas kayang-kaya ko ngayon."

"Rebecca is so lucky to have a brother like you. I-push mo 'yan, Rafe!" I said, beaming at him and raising my clenched hand.

Pagdating namin sa bahay nina Rafe, sinalubong ako ng mainit na yakap ni tita. Her arms were so warm that anyone would want to be wrapped around them. Para kaming mag-ina na matagal hindi nagkita.

"Yumirah, kumusta ka na?" she said after pulling herself from me. "Naku, I missed you so much!"

"Na-miss din kita, tita," tugon ko. "Parang ang tagal na nang huli tayong magkita. Kumusta po ba kayo?"

"Medyo busy ako sa bakery ng pamilya. I've been a little exhausted, pero worth it naman! Marami ang napapadayo, kaya masayang-masaya ako!" Halata nga ang kaligayahan sa masigla niyang mata at boses. I was glad to know that. "Eh, ikaw? Okay ka na ba matapos ang pagtatangka sa 'yo ng masama?"

Tila nagbago ang ihip ng hangin. Kahit nasa magkabila kong braso ang mainit na kamay ng nanay ni Rafe, parang nanlamig ang katawan ko.

"'Ma, ako rin!" Tumabi ang mama ni Rafe para mayakap ako nang lumitaw mula kung saan na si Rebecca. "Ate Yumirah! Thank you sa pagpunta!"

I almost got breathless because of her tight embrace, but I managed a smile when she pulled herself. "I'm glad to see you again, Rebecca. Kumusta na?"

"Heto, ate, busy sa school. Alam mo na, kailangang siguruhing hindi bababa ang grades." Inilapit niya ang mukha sa akin upang bumulong. "How about you and my kuya? Ano na ang relationship status n'yo?"

I forced a smile. Masyadong halatang interesado siya sa "relationship status" namin ni Rafe. I didn't wanna disappoint her, but -

"Yumirah!"

Ikukulong na sana ako ni Kuya Riley sa kanyang malalaking bisig ng harangan siya ni Rafe. "Nangalay na ang braso niya, bawal na siyang yumakap."

His brother's eyes narrowed into slits. "Huh? Eh, 'di kung gano'n, ako na lang ang yayakap sa kanya."

"You can't because you're not allowed to," he said, shaking his head repeatedly. Para siyang pulis na humaharang ng sibilyan. "You can greet her, but you can't touch her. I assume na kakatapos mo lang umihi, kaya hindi puwede."

"Psh!" He gave his younger brother a death glare. "Why are you acting like a protective boyfriend? Nahalikan mo lang siya, binabakuran mo na. Kayo na ba?"

I almost rolled my eyes. Para silang mga mata. Napatingin naman ako kay Rebecca nang marinig siyang humahagikgik, mukhang natutuwa sa eksena.

"Basta bawal," matigas niyang sabi. Kilala ko siya. Kapag sinabi niyang bawal, bawal talaga! Kahit si hulk, hindi yata kayang baluktutin 'yon.

"Guguluhin ko na lang ang buhok niya."

"No, I won't let you do that." His voice was so serious na kapag may nakarinig, iisiping nakapaseryoso ng usapan nila. "Ako lang ang puwedeng gumawa no'n. Wala nang iba."

"Ang seloso - "

"Boys, tama na 'yan!" Bahagyang nilakasan ni tita ang kanyang boses upang magtigil na ang dalawa. "Nakakahiya sa bisita. Yumirah, just ignore them. Ang dalawang 'yan, mula pagkabata, hindi mapagkasundo."

"Okay lang po."

"Let's get inside! Baka lumamig na ang inahanda kong pagkain!"

-I CAN SEE YOUR TRUE COLORS-