Chapter 29: I Need This

Studying at Yale was a dosage that I grew addicted to and the environment was now my home. Back to back classes and running from one building to the next was now a routine. After class basketball tryouts had become my responsibility and gearing my team for the forthcoming matches; my sole goal. It had been almost a month since I started attending University and each day was so taxing that it felt like I had been there for a semester already. There was hardly anything else that bothered me except for getting through each day.

I was majoring in Cognitive Science and to say I was passionate about the course would be an understatement. Riley was there with me and he was majoring in Computer Science and Psychology being the geek that he was. We were staying in an apartment, around 15 minutes away from Yale, and it was like history repeating itself when I was nominated as Yale's basketball team's leader and Riley as my right-hand man. We had our fun exploring Connecticut before Uni began and it was an excellent diversion from my messed up life.

I was glad I stuck to my resolution of using this opportunity and new stage of life to mark a new beginning for me and not get carried away by all that happened in the past. My current 'past' did honestly linger around Caroline but I chose to show indifference towards it. Too bad it didn't work out. Not everything was meant to last plus I had a lot in my hands to worry about and I wanted to make the best of what I had.

Not what I lost.

"Damn, my shoulders hurt." I groaned, my head tilting back in pain as I opened the door to our apartment.

"Didn't I tell you not to push yourself and extend practice hours for the rookies?" Riley stated pointedly and I heard him approach me.

"I couldn't help myself. Serious matches begin after Christmas break and I really don't want us to mess up." I defended myself as I closed the door and began walking behind Riley.

He stopped and plonked himself on the couch. I followed suit.

"What's up, Kevin?" He asked after a few seconds.

I quirked an eyebrow at his question.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you seem pretty tense about these coming matches."

"And do you see a reason why I shouldn't be?" I retorted.

He huffed. "Yes, I do."

"What're you trying to say, Riles?"

"Look, I know there's a huge difference when it comes to playing for the school and playing for the University but you're pushing yourself way too much. Training rookies here is as easy as how it was training rookies back in school. The only difference is that we've got to be slightly more disciplined and motivating. It's not that hard. Plus, we've got a good bunch of them who're ready to work their asses off." He explained.

I wasn't able to understand where he was getting at. "What're you exactly trying to say? Are you saying that I'm a bit uptight and harsh on them and that I need to back off a little?"

He was quiet for a second.

"What I'm trying to say is that you need to stop being uptight and harsh on yourself and back off a little."

I just stared at the direction of his voice and leant facing forward, my palms rubbing against each other.

"Aren't I right?" He whispered when he got no response from me.

"I'm just trying to be a good captain and make a name for myself and my team and make this institution never regret choosing me." I answered, softly.

He gently rubbed my shoulder and shifted the same way I was sitting.

"You know you're going to do all of that. You know you're going to make Yale proud." He started.

"But are you getting yourself too involved so that you're not bothered by other things that could bring you down? Is this your way of trying to achieve closure? It can't be that you're pressurised because of the scholarship since you're an absolutely deserving candidate and you've nothing of that sort to prove." He explained. He sounded so careful on touching a delicate topic I was trying to avoid and act indifferent towards.

I sighed.

"Kevin, don't you overwork. I know this might seem as a diversion but you're taxing your own body and that's a heavy price to pay what with the amazing results you want at the end of the day."

"That rhymed." I tried joking and chuckled slowly.

"I'm serious, Kev. I can't see you like this. You're always ready to take up each and every task the professors ask of you. You're ready to enrol for a shit amount of internships. You always make sure you finish all of your homework and assignments even though the professors give you the liberty to submit them a bit late. You make sure we've basketball tryouts twice a week until the end of this month. You call for practice every day for 2 hours after class hours and 5 hours on Saturdays and 3 hours on Sundays. You stay up almost all night to study for tests. You're ready to do all the household chores even when they're not required. This is not how one should achieve closure! You're a freaking human so stop burning out yourself!" He exclaimed, his voice lacing with irritation.

Damn it, Riley. I hated how this guy knew me like the back of his hand! He explaining everything I was doing to try forgetting my hurt and loss struck a chord because I hated accepting it. I hated the fact that indirectly all the taxing and toiling which I was going through and was a bit unnecessary was to forget a certain someone.

"I'm not doing any of this to achieve closure. I already have achieved it." I stated, plainly, trying to act unaffected.

He got up from the couch and I sensed him standing in front of me.

"Oh, okay. So has Caroline tried contacting you after you told her you were done with her?" He asked, jeeringly.

I felt a pang in my heart and my resolve and façade started fading away. After I told Caroline I was done with her, she hadn't contacted me anymore though I was dying to receive a call from her or even a text would do, but talks about Hayden and her had died down.

"Why does your face look crestfallen? I thought you achieved closure, buddy." Riley remarked.

I got up, exasperated. I tugged at my hair as I looked at him.

"Jeez, okay! I haven't achieved closure yet but I'll. I've to." I muttered the last 3 words but I knew Riley had heard them clearly.

Silence ensued between us and Riley clasped my shoulders and sat me down. I looked up at him.

"You do realise, right, that you getting yourself involved in so many things is indirectly making her have power over you?" He questioned.

I looked at him quizzically.

"Look, you want to forget the girl, correct? But here you're getting yourself involved in too many things and taxing your own damn body to forget her and when all of this affects you, you're going to remember that she was the reason for you to be in that state and it doesn't seem like you'll be forgetting her at all then thus all of this will be in vain." He ranted, pausing to take a deep breath. I could imagine him flailing his hands all around.

"Uh...what?" I asked.

"You know what, let time let you heal. Drop this whole I-don't-care-about-her act that you're having right now and let time work its magic and make you heal. You're not in touch with her, you're hearing nothing about her, you don't have to see her so moving on won't be a big deal. Plus, the coming years here are going to be intense so your mind and body will healthily stay away from this drama. Get it?" He explained.

I nodded my head slowly. He was right. Even though time working its magic could be long, the results I hoped would be something I could accept.

"That's better and whenever you think the time is right, get back to your dating life and live a little." He chirped and patted my head. I heard him walking away as I sighed.

I could stop treating my body like a machine but there was something that had been bothering me since some time. Riley was humming while chopping something and I faced the direction of his voice not knowing how to start the conversation. Rubbing my slightly sweaty palms, I readied myself.

"Riley."

"Yeah?" He continued chopping and humming softly.

"There's another reason why I extended practice hours so much and wanted maximum practice hours the whole week." I started.

He stopped cutting and I could feel his eyes concentrating on me.

"What're you talking about, Kevin?"

I took a small breath and continued, "I think I'm not as alert and aware as I used to be."

I heard him place the knife down and his footsteps approaching me.

"What're you trying to say?"

"I-I...Lately while playing small matches with you guys, I noticed how my senses were not so alert and sharp anymore. I would miss important moves of the other players like the dribbles and where exactly their feet were taking them to, the swish of the ball and how far they were from the hoop, the passes. Basically, special senses that I've that can make me stop the other player. They're very faint now. So I decided to have more practice sessions to get used to what was happening to me and try working on it. I can't accept it, Riley." I explained with sweat beading my forehead in worry.

A week and a half before was when realisation dawned on me. I wasn't in full vigour as I used to be. Sure my movements were as swift as they were but my perception and reaction time, which I could only rely on, were lagging behind. Plus, my movements could only depend on them. Sometimes I would miss a pass or I wouldn't be able to block the other player. At first I would brush it off by telling everyone on the team that I was playing with ease and not taking it seriously when they would ask me why I would miss crucial passes and lagged behind in blocking. Later on was when I realised that it had become a constant thing and it scared the living daylights out of me! Everyone on the team continued to think I wasn't sweating it while playing the game and I on the other hand found it terribly hard to digest that my senses which I relied upon with my life were weakening their support on me.

It wasn't about my hearing. My hearing was absolutely perfect. But this sense of intercepting and reacting that I had was the only reason why I was surviving basketball. It was the only reason why I was able to achieve so much even if I was blind. It was the only reason that got me the scholarship.

Apart from all my material gains, it was the only reason that helped me survive till now as a blind person. They were so sharp and knowing that they were weakening scared me because I would become like any other ordinary blind person and all my goals and dreams would be shattered. I would hate myself. I would hate the guy I would become. This would affect me in so many ways. I would in fact become an unwanted person on the team who would not even be fit to play basketball. Tears welled up in my eyes and I began crying softly.

Riley hugged me tightly while I kept crying on his shoulder. His hands seemed to tremble slightly.

"Shh...I don't think it's something to panic about...Maybe you haven't been as sharp and agile because of the amount of work you've been doing...Your body is just tired..." He tried comforting and sounded like he was trying to convince himself than calm me down.

"No, I know it's not that, Riley. I'm not going to be able to play basketball. I'm not going to be able to contribute anything to this institution in the field I was actually selected for. I'm not going to be able to lead almost the same life. I'm just going to be any other ordinary blind guy." I continued.

He stopped rubbing my back and gently pushed me behind while clasping my shoulders tightly which were shaking.

"How can a guy like you not continue playing basketball?! That sentence doesn't make sense! Basketball is in your blood and nothing can stop you from playing that game." He stated firmly.

I sat silently as the one thought that kept hovering and eating my mind ever since I realised about how I was losing touch popped up again. I had been thinking about it time and again and I just didn't know if it was the right decision to make.

But I decided I had to. I had to now no matter how I didn't consider the idea in the past. I had to survive this game.

"You're right." I started as I slowly got up. Riley followed suit.

"Definitely, we can do this. We can overcome this." He answered, his confidence slowly rising.

"So it's decided then. I'll do it." I confirmed with my hands in my pockets.

"Do what, Kevin?" Riley asked.

"I want to get my sight back. I want to get an eye surgery."

****Riley's POV****

"I want to get my sight back. I want to get an eye surgery."

He left me as still as a statue and walked out of the apartment saying he needed some fresh air. I gulped down my saliva as the gravity of what he just expressed dawned on me.

He wanted his sight back.

Kevin would no more be blind.

He would just be like any of us seeing the world in its true beauty than our bored version of it.

I pinched the bridge of my nose and plonked on the couch.

What kind of a best friend was I?! I was there by his side almost all the time and I did see his struggles and realised that he was going through all of that to forget his pain but never did I realise how internally weak he was feeling. I did not realise how he wasn't feeling like himself at all.

I couldn't blame myself completely, though, since I couldn't have particularly guessed but I should've figured something was off when Kevin wasn't acting like his usual competitive self on the court. At least I out of all the people knew him the best and I didn't even act on it!

How damn difficult it must've been for him to make such a decision?! Ever since I knew him, having a surgery was never an option he considered because he wanted to accept himself the way he was born. He loved himself the way he was since the beginning.

Tears welled up in my eyes as I was proud of the brave decision my best friend decided to choose and also out of guilt for not being there by his side through this hard time.

'Only if I had asked him what was wrong...I would've known better and would've helped him somehow...' I thought to myself.

I wanted to do something.

Anything.

My guilty self wanted to help him out. I just wanted to do something for him.

My hand grabbed my phone as a quick reflex and I saw myself scrolling through the numbers in my call log. I stopped at the number my heart wanted to call.

Would this help?

Was I making a right decision?

Would this be wrong?

Sighing, I clicked on the number and it began ringing away.

After a few rings, the person on the other line answered.

"Hello?"

"It's me. We need to talk.

And also, this could be your last chance."

Next update is on the 21st of January.