Chapter 18

Monday morning, I couldn't stop thinking of Friday night. Dad dropped me off at school. I didn't hear half of what he was saying. I kept replying with yeahs and uh-huhs. I kept questioning myself. Why did it hurt? Dean did use the lubricant...  Why am I still hurting? When I got to the school, I had trouble getting out of the car.

"Castiel, are you alright son?" My Dad asked, I could hear the concern in his voice.

"I'm okay Dad.... I think I just a little too much Truth over the weekend."  I replied, concentrating on walking.

"Uhm, alright. But you be careful okay? And take care of your trenchcoat!" He called out to me, as I continued making my way to the building.

"Okay Dad!" I yelled back, distracted by the pain. I was hurting so bad. I don't know what exactly happened that night, but it still bothers me. Every time I moved my legs, sat down, stood up, or just twitched, it shot pain up my back and in between my thighs. I wanted to cry. But I forced myself not to. I didn't want to be the crybaby anymore. But it hurt.

Throughout the day, I walked slowly to my different classes. Trying not to need anything so I wouldn't have to get up. I would rub myself, without anyone looking, to see if I could get at least a few seconds of relief, but it only got worse. In English, I needed to sharpen my pencil. As soon as I stood up, I could feel that sharp pain hit me again. I yelped, and fell to the ground. My classmates around me jumped and ran over to my side.

"Castiel! Are out alright? You just fell hun!" My teacher said. She was small and sweet. Her purple eye shadow complementing her green eyes.

Green eyes.

I teared up as I thought about Dean. Realizing that my pain could have been his fault. How he could've hurt me. Physically. He did seem arrogant and prideful that day. On his birthday. Like he could do whatever he wanted. And I agreed that he could. But to do something like this to me....?

"I'm fine..." I said, fighting back the pain and standing up.

"Would you like to go to the nurse sweetie?" She asked, worry in her voice.

"No ma'am. Thank you." I sat back down on my chair, deciding to use a pen to finish my work. I pulled my trenchcoat closer to me. I sat there and waited for the class bell to ring. But each second was like an eternity. The pain was like it was taunting me on purpose. I cupped my face with my hands, wanting to cry so bad. But I didn't... I couldn't... I wouldn't do it in front of everyone in class. It would only drive more attention toward me. Then i would have lie. And then a rumor would spread. Music to my ears, the bell rang. I got up, ignoring the pain, turned in my assignment finished or not, and ran out; ignoring the pain. I had to go to the Aquatic Center after English. Where I would meet Dean. I huffed as I thought about him. Then I could feel somebody yank me back.

"Hey Baby!" I heard Dean's voice, as he wrapped his arm around my shoulder.  Quickly, I pushed him off and stumbled a bit. He gave me a confused chuckle. "Uh... are you okay?"

I panted, I didn't answer him. I just fixed my trenchcoat and started to walk again. He grabbed my arm and pulled me around.

"Hey! I asked you a question!" He asked, a little louder. I pulled my arm from him.

"I'm fine Dean! Knock it off!" I replayed, huffing slightly.

"What is wrong with you? Tell me."

I looked at him, hesitant to say anything. "I'm hurting Dean.... Ever since Friday night... I've been feeling nothing but pain."  I stammered.

Dean exhaled sharply, and looked down to the ground. He scratched the back of his neck and wiped his face. He glanced at me. "I'm sorry... about that."

"W-What....?" I replied, confused. "Didn't you use the lubricant...?"

He didn't answer. He kept looking to the side. I grabbed his arms.

"Didn't you?!" I asked again.

"Barely..." he answered back. My heart dropped and shattered to the floor. He did it on purpose? He caused me this pain on purpose? He seemed so certain that he did that night... like if it was an accident. I panted lightly, in disbelief.

"You... did it on purpose...?" I whispered, my voice breaking up. He looked down, and nodded slightly. I pushed him. "How could you!" I yelled. I could feel people around us beginning to stare.

"I said I was going to do it the way I wanted!" Dean yelled back.

"Yeah, but--"

"And I believe, by quote, 'Baby my body is yours'!" He cut me off. I swallowed hard. "That means you agreed to what I was going to do!"

"And I expected you to be a little more respectful toward me! Knowing how delicate I am, you needed to use plenty of it!" I argued.

"Not once did you show signs of hesitation!" He persisted. My anger was building up.

"I told you, that you were hurting me! Why didn't you stop?!" I threw back.

"You had an orgasm," he walked toward me, his voice softer, to keep other people from overhearing our conversation. "I thought you were loving it...."

"I passed out in your arms..." I responded. "That should have given you a clue, don't you think Sherlock?" I added sarcasm into my tone.

"Oh, you think sass will justify the fact that you knew what exactly what you were doing? Taunting me with your seductive little words, and your sexy body language?" He gestured his hands to emphasise words.

"I was trying to be a fun, and an exciting boyfriend! You could at least be the considerate and thoughtful one!" I justified.

"What I did for you for four months wasn't considerate or thoughtful?!" He raised his voice again.

"And you couldn't use the correct amount of lubricant the second time or what?! Especially after the four months we lived and slept together, and after I gave you my virginity?!" I fought back.

"Well I'm sorry! Maybe instead of gel, I should have used something simpler! Like water!" He responded. As soon as I heard that word, my hand reacted, and I slapped his cheek. Hard. Everything felt like it slowed down. I saw his cheek turn red. And he slowly held it. I covered my mouth with my other hand, and the one I slapped him with stung. I gasped slightly. Tears fell down my face. I sobbed a few times.

"HOW COULD YOU!" I screamed. People definitely turned around to see what was going on. I cried. "YOU CROSSED THE LINE DEAN! YOU CROSSED THE LINE!!"

He looked to me, his own eyes hurt. The first time I ever saw those green eyes hurt.

"Cas--"

"SHUT UP!" I interrupted him. "I'M DONE! THAT'S IT! WE ARE OVER!" I screamed again, then turned around and ran down the hallway, my trenchcoat sleeve covering my face.

I left him behind. I didn't care who I bumped into, I didn't care what they were saying. I sobbed heavily as I ran out of the school building.

How could he say that?!

He knows me more than anyone in this school!

I ran outside and behind the aquatics building again. I completely forgot about the pain, because the knew one I felt was much worse. I fell to the ground, just sobbing and crying into the grass.

That's it. My life was pointless.

I was so done.

If Dean can't even appreciate me for me, who will?

I felt something cold against my neck. I touched it, and brought it out. It was the necklace he gave me for Christmas. I always had it on, I forgot it was there. I opened the locket, and there was the picture of us. How we looked into each other's eyes, as he held me. I could feel my warm tears fall out of my eyes and my throat began to hurt. I sobbed loudly, letting everything out. Crying harder than I ever have.

Why God? Why me?

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