21

I was in my room when it happened.

My first thought was, have I wet myself.

Then, shit. I'm only just eight months pregnant. I can't be going into labor.

'Mum' I yelled, lifting myself up which was a hard job. 'Mum.'

'What?' she asked.

I ran down the stairs 'I think it's happening.'

Her eyes widened and the wine glass in her hand dropped to the floor with a smash, staining the cream carpet. 'It's too early' she whispered.

I nodded 'mum, I'm scared.'

'It's fine honey' she pulled me into a hug 'get in the car.'

I could smell alcohol on her breath 'you can't drive mum. You've drunk too much.'

Her eyes widened further 'Oh my God...'

'You idiot' I was suddenly yelling 'how could you fucking do this to me?' Then I staggered back at a sudden sharp pain 'what the hell was that?'

'You're having contractions. Shit.' She picked up the phone and dialed.

'Who are you calling?' I asked.

'Joshua' she said, biting her lip. He's the only one. In terror I closed my eyes and tried to imagine myself somewhere else. That contraction had hurt, but I knew they got worse. It got agonizing. How had I never let myself think about this?

Joshua drove in silence, not even looking at us while mum told me to breathe and calm down. How could I calm down? I was about to have a fucking baby. This was about to happen. For real. I shivered, feeling the pain of another contraction.

'Does it hurt?' I asked desperately. 'Does it hurt mum? Please say no.'

'You'll be fine Olly' she said, stroking my hair.

'Don't tell me I'll be fine' I yelled, grabbing my huge stomach. 'Why won't it stop hurting me?'

Mum didn't reply, she just hugged me and whispered soothingly into my ear while I cried out in terror and pain. My body wracked with sobs.

When we arrived the nurse took me instantly away from my mum and left her standing with Joshua while she wheeled me into the room and lying me on the bed.

'I'm thirsty' I moaned, barely able to see anything.

'I'll get you some ice chips' she said.

'I want water' I tried to sit up, but suddenly got a contraction and collapsed back down onto the bed, moaning.

'You can't drink it' she put a cup to my lips, but it still left me thirsty. Then the doctor came in and checked on me.

'Your about six centimeters dilated' he said 'this could be over fast.'

'Why's this all happening so quickly?' I gasped.

'It happens or some people' he said.

'It's only been eight months' I said 'is the baby alright?'

'It will be fine' he replied.

'Thank God' I breathed and mum came in.

'Olly' she said, running to my side and grabbing my hand. I noticed streak marks on her face.

'What happened' I asked.

'Oh, me and Joshua' she said vaguely.

'Mum, you've got to stop this' I said.

'Stop what?'

'This' I sighed 'take control.'

She said 'Olly, I-'

Then suddenly another contraction happened and I cried out in pain 'make it go away?' I said 'get me some fucking painkillers or something.'

The doctor asked the nurse to get something called a spinal tap, which turned out to be a huge needle jammed into your spine. It was painful but it numbed below the waist, even if I could still feel the pain. My mum went outside again, and I lay still, listening.

'- can't stand it anymore' said mum. 'Just leave me alone you've screwed everything.'

'Catherine-'

'Leave me alone. I don't need you anymore.'

'I'm not going' Joshua said firmly.

'Why not?'

'Because I love you.'

Then suddenly the pain was unbearable and I cried out. 'What the hell was that?'

'Your ten centimeters' he said 'it's time to have this baby.'

'Mum' I yelled, and she ran in looking flustered and sat by my side. 'You can do this Olly. Come on baby, you can do this.'

It took twenty minutes of agony. I had never believed how much it could hurt, then that sound of a baby crying out and I knew it was over. I flopped back into the bed, exhausted. And closed my eyes. All I wanted to do was sleep. Just sleep for hours and when I woke up everything would have ended. The doctor interrupted me.

'It's a girl.'

A girl? My eyes opened and I saw mum smiling as a bundle was handed to me. 'Your daughter'he said.

She was light. But she looked so healthy. She already had my dark hair, and those bright blue eyes. I could see her dad in her as well, that nose I was only just remembering.

I looked up 'she's beautiful' I whispered to mum.

'I know' she smiled 'they'll be so happy.'

Of course. Them.

'Do you want to put her down?' asked the doctor.

'No' I said, laughing. After all that I didn't want to put her down. Never. I remembered what Kayla had said and I suddenly understood.

I had already decided on a name for her.

'Hey there' I whispered to her, not sure if I was even making a sound but I didn't care 'I'm your real mum, Olly. Welcome to the world.

22

'Olly. You should put her down.'

'No' I said, kissing her soft forehead and smiling.

'Olly you can't-'

'I never want to put her down.'

'You have to' she sighed.

'Can you leave me alone?' I asked, and she walked out. I saw Joshua still waiting as she opened the door and smiled again. I looked down at her. 'You hurt me a lot' I said quietly, 'for months and months. And I know you didn't mean it. But you did. And now you're born, you're beautiful and I can't help but love you' I sighed 'and you know I want what's best for you.'

I was crying now, and she was looking up in some kind of strange understanding.

'You know what. I'm going to tell you this now so in fifteen years time you don't have to hear it the hard way. You were a mistake. The worst mistake I ever made, and the best. And I know you don't understand me but I hope when your older you do. I hope you realize that I love you, always and what I did wasn't your fault at all. It was all me. I love you and that's why I'm doing this. I love you and that's why I'm saying goodbye.'

I sniffed.

'I love you baby. I love you so much you won't believe until you have kids as well.'

'She loves you to' said Suze, appearing next to me 'she's beautiful.'

I looked up and saw her standing next to me. Colin stood at the door, smiling but happy to watch.

'You'll tell her won't you' I said 'you'll tell her I loved her. That she was loved.'

'Of course I will' Suze whispered. 'Can I hold her?'

'Just... just give me one more moment' I stared back down at her, and stroked her head before kissing it one final time. 'Goodbye' I whispered, then looked up at Suze.

'Her name is Neve' I said.

'It suits her' she said. 'But her middle name is going to be Olivia.'

I smiled 'you will look after her, won't you? You'll love her and tell her every day? You will won't you?'

'Of course I will.'

And then I handed her over. In Suze's arms she looked more perfect than ever and I realized Suze was always meant to be her mum. It was never me. That didn't mean I didn't want it to be me.

'I envy you' I said, weakly.

'You're not the one who has to raise her' Suze was smiling. 'Baby's are awful.'

'I want to raise her. When I'm ready. Why can't she stay like this until I'm ready?'

She laughed. 'You'll be brilliant.'

I watched as Colin saw Neve for the first time. Smiling when he saw her beautiful face. Then they said goodbye and left, and I cried myself into an exhausted sleep.

Epilogue

I look down at the clothes I am wearing. Jeans and a t-shirt. I straighten them down, but I'm sure why. Who am I trying to impress anyway? The people who had seen me just after I had given birth in disgusting, wet , probably smelly clothes. And my daughter.

I breath in and knocked on the door. Suze answers and smiles when she sees me.

'Oh my God Olly, your all grown up.'

'I'm only twenty' I say, and we kiss each other's cheeks like old friends and she lets me into the flat. 'You don't look any different. Apart from that glow. Mothers glow, right?'

She smiles 'I hope so.'

'Where is she then?' I ask.

'Just coming back from pre-school. She should be here any second.'

I look around the flat, it's cluttered with Barbie dolls and fluffy toys. Some I used to play with when I was a kid. That was forever ago.

Then the door opens and Colin comes in, just in front of him Neve. She looks even more beautiful than she did in the photos. Those huge blue eyes, black hair and that smile she must have got from her dad. Apart from that she's a tiny version of me, but I doubt she realizes.

'Hi mummy' she says, in that adorable five year olds voice.

'Come over here' says Suze, walking over to her and taking her over to me. 'Do you know who this is?'

She shakes her head.

'Do you recognize her?'

She looks at me with a blankness that breaks my heart and I try and smile.

'This is Olly. She helped us make a family five years ago.'

'But there's only a mummy and a daddy to make a family' she says, doing that serious look that's a spitting image of my mum's.

Yeah, and then there's the biological mum.

'Not always. She was a huge help, she's very special.'

She looked up at me confused 'hi... Olly' she says.

'Hi, Neve' I say, but I can't hold back the tears.

'Why are you crying?' she asks.

'No reason' I smile. 'How have you been?'

She looks confused again. She looks just like my three ear old brother Daniel when she looks confused, then I remember that's her Uncle. 'What do you mean?'

'It doesn't matter' I shake my head, hearing my voice crack and I stand up 'I'm going to go.'

'You can stay' says Suze.

'It's fine' I said 'bye Suze, and Colin. Oh, and goodbye Neve.'

'Bye' she says, then turns around like I don't matter, because I don't. I turn round myself and leave, waiting until the door is closed to let the rest of the tears spill out and I crumble to the ground, hugging my knees and pretending that they could be Neve, pretending that things were different.

Then pick up my things and walk out of the building and start the walk home.

Neve. I'll always love you.

Please say you know that.

- THE END -

Hope you enjoyed. I also hope it made you sad since I was basically crying when she was saying goodbe.

The last line went a bit crazy but you know the vibe.

Cat-eyes.

xoxo