Authors note - ahhhhhhhhhhh this is totally the penultimate post!

19

In the end it took three days.

Three awful, unbelievably nightmarish days. Each somehow worse than the last. All those comments, public humiliation, my name everywhere and my locker got trashed, which the word whore written in capital lessons across it. Everything inside shredded into pieces. And when I first saw it everyone laughed, I tried to run away. To push through the crowd and get away and I achieved it, but someone yelled 'move aside. Baby on board.' Until fresh tears sprung to my yes and I locked myself in the toilet for the rest of break. I didn't go back the next day, or the day. I couldn't go through it again.

'Was it fine?' asked mum, as she pulled up outside.

'Yeah, it was fine' I said, climbing in.

'Where the other girls-'

'They were nice mum' I replied 'and they were all like me.'

'Is that a good thing?'

'I hope so.' We drove in silence until we pulled up in the driveway and mum hurried her embarrassment inside.

'I found an amazing couple' she said.

'Where?' I asked.

'I found this website and read their profile. They sound really nice, honestly even better than all the others.'

'Wow. They sound awesome' I said, opening the fridge and picking out a pile of food. Grazing as my mum called it. The fridge door was never closed.

'Yeah. They are.' She said as I made a peanut better, ketchup, chocolate spread and melon four tiered sandwich and proceeded to eat it.

'That baby's going to be born fat I reckon' she said 'that food must be going somewhere.'

'I've always had a high metabolism.'

'You did. After you've been pregnant it kind of disappears' she said.

'Brilliant. Another thing to look forward to' I said absently and took another bite. It was amazing. And gross at the same time which was a strange combo.

'Anyway I said we would go down and meet them this afternoon. By which I mean in twenty minutes.'

'Brilliant. I'll go work on looking presentable' I ran up the stairs and put on my best maternity clothes. They couldn't disguise the fact I was starting to look like a whale.

Suze and Colin lived in a flat just twenty minutes away.

'Hi, you must be Olivia' said Colin the minute he opened the door. He was about thirty, had a slight receding hairline but was otherwise handsome and wearing cool clothes. He smiled at me and I smiled back, then my gaze slid to Suze standing next to him. She was young, in her early twenties at least, small but somehow also really willowy. She had long mousy hair which I could tell she had a tendency to hide behind. Her face had a handful of cute freckles and the biggest eyes I had ever seen, fringed with huge black lashes that shouldn't be legal.

'Hey' I said.

'Come in, come in' Colin said, moving aside and I walked in. The flat was small but cluttered somehow orderly at the same time. It was cosy but modern.

'Do you like it?' asked Suze. Her eyes were looking at my face rather than my inflated stomach and I smiled.

'It's lovely' I said 'I wish I lived here.'

'I don't think so' she said 'your house must be pretty bad-' her voice trailed off.

'Just cos I got pregnant when I was fourteen doesn't mean my house is rubbish' I said 'you'd be surprised to know we're not really poor.'

'Of course' she blushed neatly 'I don't think you are.'

'You must be Mrs Williams' said Colin.

'Miss Williams' corrected my mum 'I've never been married.'

'Oh right. Please sit down.'

We sat side by side on the slightly battered leather sofa while Suze and Colin pulled up wooden chairs.

'So to start, how far gone are you?' asked Colin.

'I dunno. Six months, six and a half. The doctor said it was the third semester so basically it's just getting bigger now which is a bit scary cos there's like this human inside-' I stopped because I realized I was rambling and smiled.

'Is it a boy or a girl?' asked Suze.

'We think it's a boy' said mum 'the doctor thought it was, but because we're adopting there's never really been confirmation.'

Colin looked at Suze and they both grinned.

'We wanted a boy' he said.

'He wants someone to teach football to' she explained 'he's desperate. I'm not even remotely interested so he wants someone sporty around.'

'Do you have any other questions?' asked mum. It felt a bit like an interrogation.

'Not really' Colin looked at Suze and she nodded in confirmation.

'What are you like?' I asked, before I could stop myself and realize how stupid the question was.

'What do you mean?' asked Suze.

'What are you like?' I repeated. 'What do you like doing and stuff?' I hesitated 'how old are you?'

'Oh' said Colin 'I'm thirty one and Suze is nineteen.'

'Nineteen?' me and mum said in unison, surprised.

'I'm nearly twenty' she said, as if it was an explanation.

'Sorry' I said 'but aren't you a bit young to be marrying someone twelve years older than you and adopting kids?'

Suze half smiled. 'I always wanted to be a mum, so badly. Ever since I was tiny and it's been like an obsession for three years. And I met Colin when I was seventeen and he wanted to have kids as well. SO I fell in love with him but of course I was too young for him. But we just happened and got married three months ago. But we can't have kids, I can't...' she hesitated, her huge eyes shining 'Don'nt get me wrong I love Colin, but I have to have a child to love. You don't understand.'

'Your right' I agreed.

'But you have to know. You won't find anyone who'll love this kid more or wants it more.' Her voice choked up slightly and Colin reached his hand over and squeezed hers until she half laughed. I felt a twinge inside me of emotion, and realized it was jealousy. Why couldn't I have that? Why was everything so shit?

'It's yours' I said.

'What?'

They all looked at me in surprise.

'This kid it's yours. You can have it. Actually please have it you'll be amazing parents and I couldn't do any better for this stupid kid' I smiled, and realized tears were welling up in my eyes.

'Olly are you sure?' asked mum concerned. I looked back into her constantly shadowed eyes and swallowed a lump in my throat.

'Yeah, you've just met us' said Colin.

'That's all I need. It's yours I promise' I stood up 'I need to go sorry.'

Mum stood up 'thank you so much. We'll be in touch.'

I lay on my back in the bed and looked at the mound in front of me. They were so perfect, they would be such good parents. They would look after him, love him like I couldn't. But then there was the insufferable guilt in my heart. An awful, heart freezing emotion I couldn't comprehend.

Kayla and Freddy.

Freddy and Kayla.

She loved him so much. She needed him now. She was a mum. That could be me.

20

'Social services came round today' said Kayla a month later.

I looked up from my now grotesque stomach 'what? Why?'

'They don't trust young mums' she said 'they're desperate to take kids away. You know how it's assumed that we're awful.'

'What did they say?'

'Oh you know. Listed all the things that were wrong with him. He has a slight cold. He's a pound underweight. What the hell? He's small for his age but he looks healthy doesn't he?'

I looked at his pink face and chubby cheeks 'course' I said. Then stood up, groaning as my back caned.

'I know what that feels like' she said sympathetically.

'I need to pee again' I said 'for the...' I hesitated 'I think it's now seventh time today.'

'Fun' said Kayla.

As I was washing my hands I caught sight of my face in the mirror. My skin was greasy, permanently like that apparently even though some people called it pregnancy glow, and my hair hung lank and lifeless. Why would anyone fancy me now?

Then my mind slipped back to Mike. I used to think he fancied me, he probably did. He at least liked me. Now no one would ever fancy me. Greasy skinned, fat, stretch marks everywhere. I shuddered, my body was a nightmare.

My mum didn't turn up for me after school. I waited for half an hour, sitting on the bench and watching the looks people gave me with moderate interest. Then it started raining and I realized she would never arrive so I pulled my hood up and stared at the floor to pretend I wasn't noticing the stares and whispering going on around me.

'Hey, I recognize you.'

Brilliant. I looked up to see three guys standing in front of me. 'Wow. I don't' I said. Their eyes fell to my stomach and the grinned and nudged each other.

'You're in my school aren't you? The one who got pregnant?' said one equally idiotic one.

'Probably yes' I said, and walked forward but they were blocking of my exit.

'Didn't you like sleep with twelve guys in one night?' asked one of them.

'Shockingly enough, no' I replied, even though my heart skipped a beat. Please let me get away, please make them go away.

'No. She fucked two guys at the same time so she's pregnant with twins who have two different dads' said one of them as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

'That makes physical sense' I said sarcastically, 'now please can you not beat me up, stop asking idiotic questions and let me get past.'

'How about no?'

'Your tramp' said another.

Fantastic. Name calling. I tried to block it out 'leave me alone.'

'What, like the guys can't' said one of them, nudging the other.

'It's not their fault she never says no.'

'Piss off' I said angrily.

'You're a whore' said one of them. Closed my eyes, and pushed through them, they all coughed whore and one of them spat in my direction. Once they were gone I felt the tears start to fall, they were ruining my tough exterior but they wouldn't stop. I couldn't make them stop. They kept falling thicker and faster until I couldn't handle it anymore. I reached a park and crawled behind some bushes and just sobbed.