Alex's POV

Today has been a long day. I don't like long days. Of course with most long days, something always goes wrong. I always do something wrong. I feel like I'm in a constant loop with myself, on a spiny teacup ride that never ends. It makes me feel sick. Never helps when the only two things I have start giving up on me. In other words, I got an 89% on my test today. Not good enough, it should be a 94%. I deserve punishment. That's okay, it's been too long anyway. When was the last time... I think it's going on four weeks? That's almost a month, way too long. My wrists are starting to heal, that's an indicator it's time for another session with my friendly pair of blades.

John will be there when I get back but he should be leaving soon. Everyone's going out for dinner tonight at some bar and restaurant. Liza, Pegs, Angie, Herc, Laf, and him. I remember hanging out with them all the time, but now I'm mostly either in class or back at the dorm. I'll just get out of it how I always do, "Sorry John, but I think I'll stay back. I have a ton of homework tonight that I really should get done. Tell the squad for me? Thanks." I always add a fake a smile at the end to make my excuse seem more sincere, like I'm not the huge liar I am. Sometimes not hanging out with everyone is it's own form of punishment as well, like when parents ground their children for not being the perfect offspring they're supposed to be. Normally grounding myself is never enough though, I need more.

There's it is. Dorm sweet dorm how I missed you. People won't judge me while I'm inside your walls. It's a long walk up the stairs but it's worth it. Just to be back with my shiny chrome twins again. Finally I reach my room, 1804. I start to open the door. It's unlocked, that means John must still be inside.

"John I'm ba-"

I freeze.

John. John oh John oh John oh John. No no no no no no no.

Standing in the middle of the room he's holding my friends, still with some dried blood on them from last time. He's looking directing into my eyes. I hear words scattered through out his mind without the need to even be spoken. Feelings. Oh how much pain, anger, fear, sorrow I can see in his eyes, and I'm sure he sees the same thing looking back at mine.

"Alexander." There's a slight pause in his words. "What, the hell, is on these scissors."

He said that sentence with so much pain you could feel it from a mile away. His voice was even a bit shaky. Ouch, and he used my full name, so you can tell he's serious, beyond serious. I feel so numb inside, hell I even feel numb on the outside. I can't help but look at him with disbelief and hurt. My eyes are wide and tired. They feel wet, but not yet filled with tears. No answer is given. We both know what it is.

"Show me your wrists." Once again, John is the one to speak up. I feel so sick. The teacup ride won't stop. I want it to stop. Why can't it stop?

"Alex, show me your wrists." His voice is even more shaky, tears forming in his eyes along with mine. I can't. I won't. I shouldn't.

I must.

John slowly walks my way and stops a little less than a foot away. He looks into my eyes with so much suffering now. The anger is still there, but dormant. It's too challenging to be mad right now. It is not needed.

I look away, clenching my eyes shut. Even so tears still manage to find their way out, falling silently down my face. My lips are in a thin line, trying to stop it turning to a sob. I grab the sleeve of my hoodie and slowly lift it up.

John walks closer and slaps his free hand up to his mouth, leaving the other by his side. Tears start falling down his soft face while staring at my marks, his body beginning to shake. It takes me a few moments to open my eyes, but still looking away, down at the floor to my right. I can feel my lip quivering, legs like jello. I could collapse onto the cold floor at any second, but I don't. I remain standing, unmoving, frozen in time.

After a long pause which feels like an eternity, John looks up back towards my eyes, but can't directly into them. My gaze is still towards the carpet.

A faint whisper escapes from his lips. "Why?"

Silence.

"Why!" he yells sternly. God there's so much agony in his normally cheerful voice.

"Because my life is nothing but a failure!" I shout back, looking directly into his eyes with rage. If you look closely though, you can still see the ever growing fear inside me.

There's a pause. I both love and hate these things. It gives me a break but they're also filled with suspense, making me highly uneasy.

Nothing else is said. John and I both know he won't be able to get a real response out of me until later. He looks down again, somewhere in between my wrists that have now been uncovered for the first time in almost a year and the floor. Once again his words only come out in whispers. Sometimes it's difficult to tell whether he's speaking to me or himself. Either way I can hear everything.

"It all makes so much sense... your constant use of sweatshirts out of nowhere, even during the blazing heat, the normal rambling just stopping, turning into an odd shyness, all the 'homework,' we never see you anymore..."

Our eyes meet again, his red with tears flowing out.

"It all makes sense..."

A pause.

"Alex you should have told me..."

I don't respond for a moment, but then words manage to find their way out again, this time more gentle, but still filled with annoyance.

"You're the last person I'd want to tell."

John's facial expression changes by this. He still looks in pain, but a different kind. It seems more sorrowful than before, and he seemed taken aback by my words. I feel my heart sink a little, the numbness becoming deeper.

"What?" His whisper's so faint it's almost inaudible, yet I still hear it through the nothingness of the room. "Why?" he questions me slowly shaking his head. New tears start falling out of his eyes, quiet like peaceful waterfalls.

I say nothing in return except for my own near-silent response, looking back towards the floor mumbling "You should have just let me be..."

John is seriously hurt now, I have to say something else. I'm obligated at this point.

"John I didn't want to put my burdens on anyone, no one deserves them, especially you." This is the most gentle I've been since our confrontation, and even then I still sound a bit harsh.

"Don't you trust me? Have I done something wrong? I thought we were best friends, that we could tell each other everything." His voice is so sorrowful now, it hurts to listen to it.

I look up towards him. "That's not true! You are my best friend, you're really nice, and sweet, gentle, it's just-" I stop myself before going any further. I can't let him know how I feel. Getting rejected right here on the spot would definitely make me kill myself later tonight. Sometimes I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory, and I always wonder, when's it gonna get me? Somedays I think to myself, hopefully soon.

"Alex if you think all those things about me, you know you could have come, why didn't you?"

For probably the thousandth time tonight, I don't give a response, only returning my gaze to the ground at my side, and like every other time, John answers with the same single but most powerful word that cuts you like a knife.

"Why Alexander?"

"Don't say my full name.."

"Why Alex, why?!"

"John can we please just drop the subje-"

"Alex, tell me!!"

"John, I can't sa-!"

"ALEX FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I BEG YOU TELL ME WHY!"

"BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!"

I shout the last phrase looking directly into his eyes. I can tell mine are filled with anger, tears escaping from them. I don't know what I was expecting from John, but what ever it was, I didn't expect anything good.

Suddenly John's face softens a lot, filled mostly with grief now, but all anger and most fear wiped away. He keeps staring into my red and now helpless eyes. I'm scared. I'm so scared and so numb, and everything that's happen is just- I'm just- it's all too hard to process! I sink down to the floor, staring at it once again.

John slowly comes down to it with me, and I look up at him. He glaces down at my lips, but only for second before he slowly starts to lean in towards my face. Suddenly I feel our lips touch, John giving a sweet and compassionate kiss. It feels just like how he acts. I do nothing. I can't do anything but stare forwards at the wall while sitting on the cold floor. Two single tears fall from my eyes. John then pulls away and looks back to me. My expression of shock and numbness slowly turns into one of guilt. Suddenly I take a sharp inhale before leaning forwards and cry, cry and cry and cry and cry into his chest.