Shampoo.

SHAM = a deception.

POO = shit.

Shampoo = deceptiveshit.

What men want from shampoo:

- 5 in 1. Gel, shampoo, acid remover, carpet cleaner, stand-by petrol.

- cool colour (blue or green)

- don't really care what it smells like but for some reason they tend to fall in the category of sea salt and thyme.

- bottle is black with green, red, white and/ or blue writing (looks cool)

- only ever want one bottle and will stick with that brand for the rest of their life

What women (at least the ones on the adverts) want from shampoo:

- tons of adverts about it

- got a fancy French name

- insults you as much as possible (for thin, shapeless, useless, and utterly shit hair)

- contains completely natural ingredients

- if you look at the small print you'll find stuff like testicle of squirrel and badger shite. Really overdoing that 'natural' thing to be honest

- doesn't actually mention whether it's a body gel or a shampoo or toilet cleaner until 3/4 if the way down the bottom, in small print, on the back, and written in a language you don't recognise or even knew existed

- smells like flowers and stuff

- want 20 bottles, each of a different brand, must always use a certain one each time (there's some sort of order that I will never understand unless I spend twenty years studying it)

My advice:

Don't shower and just live in the woods for the rest of your life. Natural, alright.

And champagne. I mean please just stick to lager

Anything that's got 'pain' in its title isn't going to be especially good.