They're difficult things.

To get a better view on this, let's speak to Ben the professional friend-wrangler, who is also a scientist, by the way.

Ben will explain to us the different types of friends.

Friend 1: the devoted

These type of friends are the best. Maybe you thought they were normal, when you first met, and now you can talk about bleach and fictional people with complete seriousness. 

A typical conversation:

1: hey what's up 

2: clouds

1: man, I love clouds

2: I know.

Friend 2: the formal.

Why are you so formal with each other? You don't know.

Will you ever stop being formal? You don't know.

And do you like grilled cheese? what?

Sorry, folks, we'll be back right after this short advert.

Friend 3: the actually real

They don't exist, by the way.

Friend 4: the online.

*feels heavy pressure*

These guys, and girls- in fact mostly girls- they're cool. In fact, you probably didn't start talking until you both realised you had the same sense of humour. They're spread all over the globe, and you'll probably never meet, which is sad. Hey, never mind, you can imagine what they look like instead, based on their theme, and to hell if it doesn't make sense. You might think they look like their profile picture, or that their hair is the same colours as their theme, or that they're a dog, for some reason (sorry barney).

Anyway, now we've looked at some of the types of friends, we'll now look at getting them.

A: post an advertisement.

Owen, wildly funny, can't be serious, loves food, unversed in normal life, video game and biology enthusiast. Looking for person who can put up with him for extended periods of time.

B: use a megaphone.

Get up, as high as you can, don't fall off, and scream your demands through a megaphone.

"I NEED FRIENDS."

C: steal other people's friends.

Ah, a wonderful, lazy way to do it. First, find out who your friends have been talking to a lot recently. Check out their bio and feel offended that you haven't been included, despite the very obvious fact that your friends deserve their own privacy. 

Pah! Screw that. 

Then make frenzied notes on the person (optional, but fun) and start talking to them before bingo, you've got a friend. 

D: become your own best friend.

*takes bite of bagel*

If fun, feally. *takes another bite* like feally fe beft opfun. *puts bagel down and picks up newspaper* and after all, you know what you like *sniff*, what to say, *sniff sniff* what to avoid. It's *starts crying* like-

E: trawl the Internet.

Look through utterly random people's accounts to see what they're like. Attempt to be cool and sensible for once, fail miserably before realising that hey, they're awkward too and due to your horrible mistake you're now friends. Ay ay.

F: spam your own profile.

Be as you as you possibly can be. Make your own bio as crazy as you can, putting everything you need to say into it, and generally try to be loud. They'll eventually find you themselves, so why not make it easier for them?

Note: this is extremely effective.

G: imaginary friends.

Like Derren.

*starts crying again*

I: just stick to your own profile.

Be yourself. Don't hold back. Do whatever you do, talk about whatever you want to talk about, because you matter. You are loved. 

In my own case, that would be being as smug *laughs* and funny as possible, because that's basically my entire personality *laughter dries up*