You pick up the phone.

The person at the other end is offering you the chance to upgrade your computer before it breaks.

You have several options.

1. Laugh

Just laugh, in whatever pitch you can manage. Keep laughing until either you can't carry on any more or the person at the other end puts the phone down.

Advantages: they will be very confused or afraid. How do you talk to someone who can't stop laughing? Well, you can't. They may not call you again.

Disadvantages: it can be difficult to fake a laugh and it depends on your endurance as to how long you can keep going.

2. Speak another language

Speak another language or pretend you don't speak their language very well. If you're fluent, or at least conversable, it's great. You can test out your new language on an unsuspecting person. On the other hand, what if they know the language?

Advantages: you can test out your language and honestly, it's fantastic. If they can't communicate, what do they do? Put the phone down.

Disadvantages: they may know the language.

3. Pretend to be a different age.

(Think of the person being called as having the paedophile from Family Guys voice for maximum effect)

"Hello we'd like to sell you some killer price Windows-"

"Hello? Is that my grandson?"

"No, this is the company that's going to improve your living-"

"Are you sure? You sound so much like him... it's been so long since someone asked me how I was you know."

"Ma'am I'm afraid I'm going to have to go now-"

"Really? Oh, what a shame. It's been so long since someone talked to me you know..."

Advantages: very fun. Very, very fun.

Disadvantages: depends how good your voice is, how long you can keep going and how good your improvisational skills are.

4. Turn the tables.

Pretend to be a scam called yourself and see just how the turntables...

Advantages: it will really annoy them and you can do it in a really loud, presenter- style voice.

Disadvantages: once again, improvisation skills.

5. Whisper something funny

Whisper/ say something funny down the line, whatever you like, and then out the phone down.

Examples:

It's done, but there's blood all over the floor.

It has been completed... The antichrist himself has been summoned

I'm homeless. I don't need windows.

Oh thank god.... thank god we're saved! Listen a flying squirrel just attacked us, me and my friend, oh god *muffled choke* there's blood all over the floor.... Jimmy! Hang in there Jimmy, there's someone gonna save us! *whoop* please... please save us! We really need your help, we think there's more of them and Jimmy *whispers* I don't think he's got that long left.... you're our only hope... Oh! Oh god there's more of them... Ah- ah help- *disconnect phone*

(Just say a riddle.)

(Pick up a book and start reading them the contents, starting from the start. It's their phone, their time, but they might get very interested and not disconnect. You're going to need a lot of time. On the other hand, you can disconnect right at a crucial moment in the plot)

Nine one one/ *your emergency number* what's your emergency?

Hold on *calling to background* if you try to take the knife out, it'll just make it worse.

Do you know how to get goat blood out a carpet? I've tried but it's been there for a few years, and *laugh* getting it stained repetitively every week isn't helping!

(Whenever money is mentioned, start crying)

Pretend to be the answerphone

Start counting down from ten, when you get to zero, say 'it's been done' or just hang up

Tell them they're on air

Listen, man, you've got to help me.... Jimmy just ain't getting better and the police are still after us.... What the hell should I do?!

To talk to a customer, please press one. (Then be really quiet)

I've been waiting five whole long years for you to show up and take me to heaven.

"Nope"

Ask them questions: maths ones, history ones, homework stuff.

Ask them the sort of questions you might ask a search engine. Don't pay any attention to the answers, just ask another question. Interrupt them as much as you like.

Sing a recognisable song.

Chant poetry at them, this is the same idea as the book one. It would definelty help if the poetry is bad quality.

Say nothing at all. Just heavy breathing.

I've been watching you for a while now...

Hey, you wanna buy drugs? *pause and wait for answer, then interrupt half way through* sorry I don't have any

I- I'm not fat! It-it's just a glandular problem!

Narrate whatever you think they're doing right now. You know, "he/ she picked up the phone and their palms tightened on the receiver.... What's this, they think? But what they should be thinking.... what's behind them?"

I don't know who you are. But if you don't let my daughter go (continue with rest of quote)

If you have any ideas, please say.