You may be familiar with the name.

I'd like to clear a few things up.

Some people have been thinking about Derren.

Some people think that it's a code name. A few people proposed the idea that he's a state of mind, or one of my split personalities. A smattering of the more imaginative ones inquired whether he was an encaptured dolphin.

Derren is not a code name, a state of mind, a split personality, or an encaptured dolphin.

Derren is Derren.

He's the guy that volunteered when I asked for volunteers.

He's been working for me for three years. Supposedly he's in work experience, and he's asked a few times (about four or five times a day) whether he can leave. I don't allow him to. You see, it's most likely that he's just being polite, and really wants to stay. So I let him stay. I let him work on Christmas Day, too. Derren sometimes asks to see his family but in truth I think he ought to focus on his work, and his 18 hour day. So Derren hasn't seen his family for about three years. He hasn't seen a lot in that time. Sometimes when I call him Derren he says his name isn't Derren, but I call him Derren because he looks like a Derren, and I don't want to acknowledge that he's a person. Has a last name, a family, a house, you know. 

Derren has been clearly told that when he's working for me, his name is Derren, his family do not matter, he cannot have days off, and he sleeps outside. On Christmas Day sometimes I let him sleep in the basement, as a special treat.

I'm joking, of course. Let him sleep in the basement? Just how cruel do you think I am?

I let him sleep in a hole in the ground he's dug himself, as it's more environmentally friendly and it means he can get up far, far earlier to mow the lawn, etc.

Derren does a lot of stuff. He's the guy that steals the elephants, sticks forks in toasters for me, tries to communicate with the Dolphins, etc. He's remarkably good but I wish he wouldn't talk about his family so much. Or his 'social life'. Or even his 'life'. I've tried to explain that he no longer has a life, and that he should be dedicated to me, seeing as he volunteered to do "a little work" all those years ago. Maybe I should have been a bit more precise with the wording. But he's here now, he'll be here for many years yet. Derren, your social life does not matter. Your family does not matter. You're here to do a job, so do it. 

Sometimes he asks when he'll be allowed to leave, and as a joke I let him go up to the front gates. Don't worry, they're electrified. If he touches them he'll get a concussion.

Anyway, Derren is Derren. He seems normal. He goes to hospital a lot, when I throw bears at him, stick forks in the toaster, etc. He's cool with it, don't worry. Occasionally whimpers a bit but he's fine.

Anyway, that's Derren.

Bonus facts:

Derren is widely regarded as a universal form of currency

His purpose in life is to serve others

He's on "work experience", not slavery