Work experience - Derren

Car driver - derren in a chauffeur's uniform

The person being drive around, because what, do you expect me to walk? - me

The pathetic excuse for existence - there is None

Sniper - Audrey in her spare time

People who forgot my birthday - my friends, literally the entire school except for that one really quiet kid who I didn't even know knew when my birthday was, and me. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I forgot my own birthday. 

Déjà vu - Audrey, the clangers, derren

Wrote Hamlet- Shakespeare

Possibly one of the best comedians (we've got his book in the downstairs toilet, whenever we're taking a really, really long shit we read it) - Peter Kay

My dad - played by my dad

Another really good comedian- Bill Bryson

Sliced the bread- derren

Buttered the bread- derren

Grew some tomatoes- derren

Cleaned and washed the tomatoes before putting them in the bread- derren

Did the same with potatoes, lettuce, beef and pickles- derren

Put it all together, put it on a plate and carried it to the dining room- derren

Deemed it 'passable' - me

Ate it and told derren to get back to his basket- me

Proposed derren be upgraded to a basket rather than a cage outside- April

Had a fight with over Derren's future- April, Sasha, Audrey

Acted as lawyer- Sasha

Got pelted by potatoes- Derren (the sandwich, what can I say? Only passable)

Hid potatoes in someone's house- me

Got potatoes hidden in their house- Sasha

Expecting a confused 'what? You hid potatoes in my house?' from them- Sasha

But Sasha, the point is I've hidden them. You haven't found them yet because they're hidden- me

Should expect potatoes in their house soon (I have many and way too much free time in my hands) - April

Shouldn't really expect any potatoes to be hidden in their house, unless they've done some awful deed I haven't noticed yet that is only redeemable by having potatoes hidden in their house- Audrey

Grew the potatoes- derren

Finally upgraded derren to both an indoors basket and an outdoors kennel- me

On account of- April

Having difficulty with writing the credits- me

Wondering when on earth April's going to publish HN IV and Audrey's going to finish III? - me

Sad because yes I exist- me

Responsible for making cake- derren

Responsible for tasting the cake- me

Responsible for throwing the results of his baking at derren whether I like it or not just to prove that I am superior to him- me

Responsible for getting hit- derren

The next writer of HN- April

The one after that- Audrey

And after that- me, I think?

And after that- maybe Sasha? You ok with writing one?

Doesn't actually have a choice whether they want to write it or not- Sasha

The people who've kept up to date with HN regularly- I have no idea but either you have Saint-like patience and endurance or you're really, really in need of good literature 

How to make a raisin loaf in celebration of HN III ending: 

Ingredients:

2 ounces margarine

4 ounces Demerara sugar

8 ounces sultanas or raisins

Pinch of salt

One tsp bicarbonat of soda

Vanilla essence

1/4 pint boiling water

8 ounces flour

1 egg 

Recipe:

Put oven on to 160 degrees Celsius.

Mix together marg, fruit, sugar, salt and soda.

Pour on boiling water and stir.

Add whisked egg.

Fold in flour and vanilla essence.

Put in greased baking tin (rectangular).

Bake in oven for 44 minutes.

Use a needle to check whether it's fully cooked.

Wait until cool (really important) then remove from tin and put on plate.

My version:

Mix together marg, fruit, sugar, salt and soda.

Wonder what's next before realising you haven't boiled the kettle, and hurriedly doing that.

Adding boiling water and burning yourself in the meanwhile.

Whisking egg and dumping it in the middle of the bowl.

Stirring in flour and essence before remembering that you've got to fold it in and quickly doing that.

Quickly switching on the oven because you forgot to do it earlier.

Having a sudden heart attack when you see the mint bottle and wondering if you'd mixed up mint and v. essence like last time, when the cake turned out really, really horribly minty. Minty cake isn't nice at all. 

Shoving the cake in the oven.

Waiting 44 minutes and then sprinting through to the kitchen when you hear the ring, like a few seconds is going to horribly burn it.

Using a fork instead of a pointy thing to check whether it's done.

Taking it out of the cake tin before it's fully cool and then realising that you've just made a terrible mistake which will surely signal the end for mankind.

It turns out ok, but your father eats half of it before you can stop him.